Re-Watching American Gladiators is....Weird
by Kristin Battestella
I used to love the original American Gladiators. However, upon discovering the American Gladiators livestream channel in the middle of the 1997 seventh and final season, watching now is....weird.
The rah-rah Americana attitude is obnoxious with over the top, contrived macho dominating the supposedly competitive sportsmanship, leaving a very bitter aftertaste on the actual sporting events. Re-starting the livestream with Season 1, on the other hand, provides a much different viewing experience. This was 1989 with less polished event facilities and straightforward filming explaining the competition and the requirements on sports agility and skill. Difficulty is placed over entertainment ease, and the gladiators praise the impressive contestants between events. It's surprising how little protective equipment participants like actor Billy Wirth (“Death by stereo” of The Lost Boys) wear – leading to vicious, competitive moments. Sometimes the contestants are often better than the gladiators in what may be the best moments of the series. I can deal with the retro hokeyness and garish, poorly lit arena, but the mullets and Aquanet hair are out of control! Fortunately, Season 2 remains similarly focused on the events with a more streamlined production and only a small amount of gladiator turnover. The series premise hypes the competitors from across America, but as much as we root for recurring contestants through preliminary, quarterfinal, and championship rounds; viewers are here to see the gladiators. Although their numbers expand from eight to ten, the gladiators are quickly treated as interchangeable, some even wearing the same costumes like Sunny and Gold or reusing the same name like Lace. The athletes start in jackets and pants, but sexism slowly settles in with the women increasingly referred to as girls. Female competitors wear pink or yellow halter tops and tiny shorts while the men remain modestly clothed in gray and teal.
By Year 3, the early reality show vibes begin to takeover with more bulked up gladiators adding macho asides even as the events give them less to do. In the Assault event, contestants have the chance to showcase their aim and dodging abilities while the gladiators merely fire tennis balls that could have been done by a machine. In the NFL special episodes, they “let” the women gladiators fire as a way to “include” them. It makes viewers wonder why the opposite sex can't always compete in Assault. The football meets wrestling Powerball challenge also makes the gladiators look like top heavy, unskilled bodybuilders and slow on their feet former athletes, losing against better suited amateur contestants and Olympians. Thankfully the Joust and Hang Tough are fun because they are one on one competitions. There are likable gladiator moments where they answer questions or share something of their personalities. Longer interviews with gladiators detailing their training specifics, regimes, and calorie counts are quite interesting. However, these become few and far between as the female gladiator costumes become more and more skimpy. The men can be covered head to toe but the women must constantly adjust their bikini-style tops from near nip slips and pick the wedgies of their tiny thong-style bottoms during events. At some point, it doesn't matter which gladiator is doing what event. We don't get to know them beyond their hardcore shouts at the screen and trite sports platitudes while they're pumping iron in between contests. Instead of their real names with “Ice” or “Zap” as their middle name cool, anonymity becomes part of the gladiator model. Promotions to join the gladiator fan club or see them on tour are more important than whether you see Turbo, Tower, Thunder, or Titan. Siren is exploited for her hearing disability amid Baywatch crossovers and international spin-offs where the gladiators become more like caricatures. Why are all the women blonde? Why are the Black gladiators treated stereotypically as if they all look the same? The commentators increasingly intrude on the participants with silly interviews and nicknames while repeating the catchphrases of Black contestants with backhanded racist comments about how fast they run.
Sexist commentary also increases, with female athletes complimented for their beauty and grace rather than their athleticism. The gladiators themselves seem over it as if they don't want to be there, and the voiceovers become increasingly juvenile with redundant platitudes when not sticking the microphone in a competitor's face before a critical event or immediately after an upsetting loss. Some wrongs are corrected in Season 5 with a more colorful set and time once again for gladiator chats; but at this point, it's just easier to mute the television so we don't have to hear the fluff dialogue. Maybe American Gladiators should have been a half hour series with no attempt at personality and just focused on the events? American Gladiators really jumps the shark with the Season 6 NYPD vs LAPD special. Either the raging out gladiators really hate them or the police aren't that good, for most of the events score no points and the commentators have plenty of arresting or handcuffed quips. The Olympics special is equally cringe, favoring the gladiators instead of the athletes while the classic Bill Conti (Falcon Crest) theme is made unnecessarily edgy, losing the unique and triumphant fanfare. Initially I could leave the livestream on in the background like any other sport, but the constant iN yOUr FACE! projection becomes mind numbing, making it easy to tune out entirely. The contrived tension overtakes the sports intensity, and the gladiators come to reinforce the notion that the stronger you are, the more of an asshole you must be. They sneer and rip off players' helmets, put contestants out with concussions, and revel in firing at competitors – saying they are hunters going after their prey. But I guess it's okay when the contestants do back flips to rouse the crowd and get their shirts ripped off to show their muscles.
In the 1989 debut, audiences might have been able to believe the competition was real; that anyone in America could truly prove their mettle. American Gladiators is best when it focuses on the competitive challenges like Whiplash, Tug of War, or the Gauntlet where the gladiators are directly engaged in the action. Unfortunately, events seem increasingly rigged and contrived like this is the WWE. Silly events like Sky Deck and Swingshot overtake more athletic competitions. What is the point of The Maze? The editing of events is likewise apparent as some contests are merely told of rather than shown. Injuries increase and at the ready replacements step right in be it contestant or gladiator. New gladiators appear randomly with no explanation as if there is some Olympus stable where they all spring forth. There's no hugs or any respect. Viper seems downright menacing, and the commentators embellish actions as if this is Major League. Any interviews with gladiators are filled with enraged threats amid referee controversies and token female commentators. Carrying contestants off the mat and making the gladiators unlikable seems to go directly against the spirit of the series' premise. The seasons are also ridiculously long with twenty-six episodes for tournaments that should have been half that. Marathon viewing such as this illumes all the flaws and has little repeat value once you know who wins. Alas, we return to Season 7, where the full of itself macho is overwhelming and insufferable as angry gladiators growl at everyone. The final runner up is actually now a Georgia congressman who left his second wife over an affair with a fellow Texas congresswoman. Ironically, this sums up American Gladiators in many ways, for the extreme Americana hype on display then indicates to a viewer now where some of these gladiators' political leanings today surely lie.
Apparently everything that could go wrong did go wrong for American Gladiators with behind the scenes issues, compensation disputes, steroid rumors, and grueling international tours clearly taking their toll. The rah-rah of it all represents a specific time and place, when the nineties were good and we had reason to be so frivolous in sport. This nostalgia means I can't quite tear myself away from watching even as the horrendous hype holds the mirror up to our country now. I liked Turbo best then, but re-watching today I'm much more aware of the rainbow vibe. Will this proposed new version of American Gladiators on Amazon Prime properly address coed mix gender challenges and lean into that camp potential? Of course not. MGM's goal is to appeal to the white male sports viewer with the livestream's commercials promoting the Prime sports packages. Edgy graphics with split screens, angled photography and that espn2 cool will not fly today. Nor would seemingly insightful interviews with gladiators admitting they are aggressive and cocky because they can be. Who wants to watch that?
American Gladiators is a sociological train wreck to view today; a time capsule ironically capturing our country's current attitude that makes for a weird, uncomfortable re-watch.