Bad SF Action 🚀

 

Bad SF Action!

by Kristin Battestella

I caught these bad 1990s science fiction action romps late at night way down in the dearth of FAST live streaming because why not? I had the subtitles on and the volume low, which I suspect helps hide troublesome deliveries and bad crescendos, too. Despite terribly poor special effects that are dated and hokey even for such decades of yore, these pictures are bright and fast moving with a certain earnestness that still provides surprising entertainment.

Dead Space – Macho Marc Singer (V) and doctor Bryan Cranston (Breaking Bad) lead this 1991 Alien rip off oozing with nonsensical mutated viruses, junk metal comic relief robots, babes having steamy dreams in the middle of our monster outbreak disaster, and terribly obvious rubber puppetry of said monstrosity. The space shuttle action and laser battles cut so many production corners that they look like a DOS video game, and everyone running up and down the same space station corridor over and over again is bemusingly apparent. The dialogue is bad and the acting hokey with poor science and confusing story elements. I spotted this listing and tuned in for Singer, but this gets worse as the alien virus mutant thing gets bigger and kills more. Our heroes venture outside in preposterously perilous spacesuit action, yet I can't hate this goofy piece. Inexplicable moments made me laugh out loud. I smiled at The Beastmaster kicking faux monster butt, and the sideways ponytails on the babes took me back. This has very little merit beyond every laughable sci-fi cliché thrown at the screen, however I was entertained nonetheless.

Mercenary – Titular Hawk Olivier Gruner (Nemesis) must take vengeful but inexperienced mogul John Ritter (Three's Company) on a dangerous mission in this 1996 action adventure. Certainly, the weak dialogue matches the typical murdered wife angst and the expected reluctance of our capable bad ass to train the unprepared widower. However the cast is charming enough for us to stick with the grouchy good guys through the obvious betrayals, cliché set pieces, and of course, the eponymous training montages. This does get really hokey upon entering the villain's medieval castle lair as if we are suddenly in a different movie with rings of fire, killer animal chambers, and fight to the death challenges attempting to distract from what's actually a pretty easy end for the supposedly supreme baddie. Fortunately, explosions, gunfire, and hand to hand combat make for a fun escape. Equipment complaints and jokes about the wrong size shoes pepper jeep chases, helicopter shootouts, and on foot pursuits through various terrains as the mismatched heroes outsmart the mustache twirlers. Though some sequences are laughable, this was better than I expected it to be, and yes, I am game for the hitherto unavailable sequel Mercenary 2: Thick and Thin.

Velocity Trap – In some ways, if you've seen one low budget kick ass Olivier Gruner sci-fi movie, you've seen them all. Recognizable nineties faces including Ken Olant (Summer School), Jaason Simmons (Baywatch), Jorja Fox (Memento), and Yannick Bisson (does anybody else remember Hockey Night or High Tide?) also don some embarrassingly terrible futuristic armor and holster some seriously ludicrous weapons for this 1999 TV Movie. The space pirates hijack asteroids while cop Gruner romances his ex, who's trapped in a marital contract with a sleazy space mining tycoon. A double crossing shootout means our wrongfully punished space policeman is regulated to doing security on a ship carrying $40 billion in mining profits, and this packs a lots in its short time with everything from no ammo left in the gun humor and corny but creative space pirate battles. The requisite spaceship on the cheap reusable hallway for all the running to and fro is utilized to the max, and there's even a goofy montage of our good cop dancing in his long johns while the rest of the crew is in cryosleep. Naturally he has to beat the intruders at their own game with the help of a sassy babe before making off with the loot to rescue his woman, and I can't hate the bad ass fun no matter how nonsensical because everyone seems to be having such a good time.

I Didn't Like This as Much as I Did Then

Class of 1999 – Previously I loved my VHS of this 1990 too cool for school meets The Terminator parable. Unfortunately, the opening monologue recounting the excessive violence in American high schools is immediately awkward, and try hard dialogue, edgy music, leather jackets, and over the top eighties post-apocalyptic designs acerbate the confusing plot and corny punchlines. To curb the rampant lawlessness, Department of Educational Defense principal Malcolm McDowell (Cat People) tasks Stacy Keach's (Mike Hammer) Megatech robot Pam Grier (Jackie Brown) to discipline the reopened inner city school where violent events are said to happen every two hours yet no one steals anybody's unlocked, tricked out rides. These rebel youths responsible for the country's downfall are inexplicably still worried about their school attendance and being on time for class? Any analysis on the corrupt system winning while dead kids fall through the cracks is lost in messy night club riots and teens breaking into the teachers' secret WD-40 stash. The abundance of drugs is merely a plot point, and sexual violence is barely addressed even by the principal when his own daughter is assaulted. The teen murders are uncomfortable and depressing – it's tough to see fictitious violence that isn't as bad as contemporary mass shootings. The teacher droids do what they will, the scientists let it happen, and the ham-fisted gang boys become righteous friends as gym humiliations and our history bot comically spanking the ruffians in front of the assembly lead our students to take matters into their own hands. Rather than being a slick commentary with genre enjoyment, this ends up a heavy handed, contrived, overlong, full on Terminator rip off that's just not fun anymore.