Re-Watching
American Gladiators is....Weird
by
Kristin Battestella
I
used to love the original American
Gladiators. However,
upon discovering the American
Gladiators livestream
channel in the middle of the 1997 seventh and final season, watching
now is....weird.
The
rah-rah Americana attitude is obnoxious with over the top, contrived
macho dominating the supposedly competitive sportsmanship, leaving a
very bitter aftertaste on the actual sporting events. Re-starting the
livestream with Season 1, on the other hand, provides a much
different viewing experience. This was 1989 with less polished event
facilities and straightforward filming explaining the competition and
the requirements on sports agility and skill. Difficulty is placed
over entertainment ease, and the gladiators praise the impressive
contestants between events. It's surprising how little protective
equipment participants like actor Billy Wirth (“Death by stereo”
of The Lost Boys)
wear – leading to vicious, competitive moments. Sometimes the
contestants are often better than the gladiators in what may be the
best moments of the series. I can deal with the retro hokeyness and
garish, poorly lit arena, but the mullets and Aquanet hair are out of
control! Fortunately, Season 2 remains similarly focused on the
events with a more streamlined production and only a small amount of
gladiator turnover. The series premise hypes the competitors from
across America, but as much as we root for recurring contestants
through preliminary, quarterfinal, and championship rounds; viewers
are here to see the gladiators. Although their numbers expand from
eight to ten, the gladiators are quickly treated as interchangeable,
some even wearing the same costumes like Sunny and Gold or reusing
the same name like Lace. The athletes start in jackets and pants, but
sexism slowly settles in with the women increasingly referred to as
girls. Female competitors wear pink or yellow halter tops and tiny
shorts while the men remain modestly clothed in gray and teal.

By
Year 3, the early reality show vibes begin to takeover with more
bulked up gladiators adding macho asides even as the events give them
less to do. In the Assault event, contestants have the chance to
showcase their aim and dodging abilities while the gladiators merely
fire tennis balls that could have been done by a machine. In the NFL
special episodes, they “let” the women gladiators fire as a way
to “include” them. It makes viewers wonder why the opposite sex
can't always compete in Assault. The football meets wrestling
Powerball challenge also makes the gladiators look like top heavy,
unskilled bodybuilders and slow on their feet former athletes, losing
against better suited amateur contestants and Olympians. Thankfully
the Joust and Hang Tough are fun because they are one on one
competitions. There are likable gladiator moments where they answer
questions or share something of their personalities. Longer
interviews with gladiators detailing their training specifics,
regimes, and calorie counts are quite interesting. However, these
become few and far between as the female gladiator costumes become
more and more skimpy. The men can be covered head to toe but the
women must constantly adjust their bikini-style tops from near nip
slips and pick the wedgies of their tiny thong-style bottoms during
events. At some point, it doesn't matter which gladiator is doing
what event. We don't get to know them beyond their hardcore shouts at
the screen and trite sports platitudes while they're pumping iron in
between contests. Instead of their real names with “Ice” or “Zap”
as their middle name cool, anonymity becomes part of the gladiator
model. Promotions to join the gladiator fan club or see them on tour
are more important than whether you see Turbo, Tower, Thunder, or
Titan. Siren is exploited for her hearing disability amid Baywatch
crossovers and international spin-offs where the gladiators become
more like caricatures. Why are all the women blonde? Why are the
Black gladiators treated stereotypically as if they all look the
same? The commentators increasingly intrude on the participants with
silly interviews and nicknames while repeating the catchphrases of
Black contestants with backhanded racist comments about how fast they
run.
Sexist
commentary also increases, with female athletes complimented for
their beauty and grace rather than their athleticism. The gladiators
themselves seem over it as if they don't want to be there, and the
voiceovers become increasingly juvenile with redundant platitudes
when not sticking the microphone in a competitor's face before a
critical event or immediately after an upsetting loss. Some wrongs
are corrected in Season 5 with a more colorful set and time once
again for gladiator chats; but at this point, it's just easier to
mute the television so we don't have to hear the fluff dialogue.
Maybe American
Gladiators should
have been a half hour series with no attempt at personality and just
focused on the events? American
Gladiators really
jumps the shark with the Season 6 NYPD vs LAPD special. Either the
raging out gladiators really hate them or the police aren't that
good, for most of the events score no points and the commentators
have plenty of arresting
or
handcuffed
quips.
The
Olympics special is equally cringe, favoring the gladiators instead
of the athletes while the classic Bill Conti (Falcon Crest) theme is made
unnecessarily edgy, losing the unique and triumphant fanfare.
Initially I could leave the livestream on in the background like any
other sport, but the constant iN yOUr FACE! projection becomes mind
numbing, making it easy to tune out entirely. The contrived tension
overtakes the sports intensity, and the gladiators come to reinforce
the notion that the stronger you are, the more of an asshole you
must be. They sneer and rip off players' helmets, put contestants out
with concussions, and revel in firing at competitors – saying they
are hunters going after their prey. But I guess it's okay when the
contestants do back flips to rouse the crowd and get their shirts
ripped off to show their muscles.
In
the 1989 debut, audiences might have been able to believe the
competition was real; that anyone in America could truly prove their
mettle. American
Gladiators is
best when it focuses on the competitive challenges like Whiplash, Tug
of War, or the Gauntlet where the gladiators are directly engaged in
the action. Unfortunately, events seem increasingly rigged and
contrived like this is the WWE. Silly events like Sky Deck and
Swingshot overtake more athletic competitions. What is the point of
The Maze? The editing of events is likewise apparent as some contests
are merely told of rather than shown. Injuries increase and at the
ready replacements step right in be it contestant or gladiator. New
gladiators appear randomly with no explanation as if there is some
Olympus stable where they all spring forth. There's no hugs or any
respect. Viper seems downright menacing, and the commentators
embellish actions as if this is Major
League. Any
interviews with gladiators are filled with enraged threats amid
referee controversies and token female commentators. Carrying
contestants off the mat and making the gladiators unlikable seems to
go directly against the spirit of the series' premise. The seasons
are also ridiculously long with twenty-six episodes for tournaments
that should have been half that. Marathon viewing such as this
illumes all the flaws and has little repeat value once you know who
wins. Alas, we return to Season 7, where the full of itself macho is
overwhelming and insufferable as angry gladiators growl at everyone.
The final runner up is actually now a Georgia congressman who left
his second wife over an affair with a fellow Texas congresswoman.
Ironically, this sums up American
Gladiators in
many ways, for the extreme Americana hype on display then indicates
to a viewer now where some of these gladiators' political leanings
today surely lie.
Apparently
everything that could go wrong did go wrong for American
Gladiators with
behind the scenes issues, compensation disputes, steroid rumors, and
grueling international tours clearly taking their toll. The rah-rah
of it all represents a specific time and place, when the nineties
were good and we had reason to be so frivolous in sport. This
nostalgia means I can't quite tear myself away from watching even
as the horrendous hype holds the mirror up to our country now. I
liked Turbo best then, but re-watching today I'm much more aware of
the rainbow vibe. Will this proposed new version of American
Gladiators on
Amazon Prime properly address coed mix gender challenges and lean
into that camp potential? Of course not. MGM's goal is to appeal to
the white male sports viewer with the livestream's commercials
promoting the Prime sports packages. Edgy graphics with split
screens, angled photography and that espn2 cool will not fly today.
Nor would seemingly insightful interviews with gladiators admitting
they are aggressive and cocky because they can be. Who wants to watch
that?
American
Gladiators is
a sociological train wreck to view today; a time capsule ironically
capturing our country's current attitude that makes for a weird,
uncomfortable re-watch.