It was so exciting to once again visit the Vampire Videos Podcast to debate the vampire merits of David Cronenberg's Rabid.
Stay tuned for more audio/visual content and browse our Podcast label for more guest appearances including:
Showing posts with label Women in Horror. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Women in Horror. Show all posts
09 September 2026
Rabid David Cronenberg Guest Podcast
20 July 2026
Aliens Guest Podcast
It's been a difficult summer - one of the toughest I can recall - yet I was determined to keep my recording date with the Greatest Movies of All Time Podcast to chat about one of my favorites, Aliens!
You can listen or watch this anniversary revisit episode and don't forget to also check out GMOAT's Cinema Legacy Poll, in which I also had a small contribution among the cinephile and podcast community.
Browse more Podcast episodes and revisit past appearances including:
16 March 2026
Women InSession 2025
2025 was a very long year but many times, recording with Amy, Zita, Jaylan, and Megan for the Women InSession Podcast at InSessionFilm.com was the shore amid too many turbulent waters. Thank you ladies for the insightful film conversations!
Here are a few of my favorite episodes, subjects, and spotlights.
Marilyn Monroe Dramas / Marilyn and Travilla
Craig as Bond / Women of Bond / Bond in the 80s / Roger Moore / 1960s Bond / Brosnan's Bond
Michael Fassbender / Fassbender Rebuttal
I was particularly proud to listen to several film critics and guests speaking about what rainbow films spoke to them and why we need to hold Hollywood accountable for its lack of onscreen representation.
Kristen Lopez and Popcorn Disabilities
Critic Spotlight Andrew Corns The Revisionist Almanac
Unlike the foolhardy majority, I am not interested in covering the ridiculously overlong and pathetically inaccurate awards season. Nor am I interested in following the cult crowd and chasing the latest new release each week because ~you aren't a ReAL fiLm CriTIc unless you get to see a new movie FiRsT neener neener haha. Focusing on the films that move us and stay with us long after the viewing ends is what is important to me.
I do not like the phrase "stepping back." I think it is an excuse when obligations become overwhelming and people would rather peace out than do what they have to do. However, now I must prioritize my health above podcasting, and thus I will be appearing on the Women InSession Podcast more infrequently.
Follow the Podcast tag for updates on more guest appearances including:
Vampire Videos - Kiss of the Vampire
After Hours Patreon Podcast - L.A. Confidential
16 October 2025
Women InSession: Horror! 🎃
The Women InSession Podcast at InSessionFilm.com fulfills all your horror needs 365- not just October!
Here's a rundown of eerie episodes from Amy, Zita, Jaylan, Yours Truly, and company to brighten your autumn listening.
Ravenous & Underrated Guy Pearce
Huge thanks to the ISF team for making this podcast possible. It's been a privilege to bring diverse voices and unique opinions to the microphone! Keep track of more Podcast appearances or Videos including:
The Jay Days Video Reviews Rundown
L.A. Confidental - After Hours Podcast
09 October 2025
Guy Pearce Birthday Special! 🎉
Despite finally having a bout with Covid, there's nothing like a birthday to sit down and chat Guy Pearce with Jaylan Salah on The Jay Days YouTube Channel! This time we discussed the three latest Guy Pearce films that viewers seemed to have missed - The Shrouds, Inside, and Killing Faith.
Visit the Video label for more guest appearances or follow our Kbatz Reviews at The Jay Days Playlist for more Guy Pearce Re-Watch Analysis including:
The Adventures of Priscilla Queen of the Desert
06 October 2025
October Literary Moods
October Literary Moods
by Kristin Battestella
These memoirs, biographies, and literary adaptations range from delightfully macabre and witty mysteries to gossipy yarns. Here's what to read or skip this autumn.
Must Read
Yours Cruelly, Elvira by Cassandra Peterson – The Queen of Halloween's 2021 tell all book made headlines for Peterson's coming out upon its release. However, that's only one late chapter revelation in a fascinating life of highs and lows. Scarring childhood injuries and an abusive relationship with her mother led to escapism in the family's costume shop before cruising the early groupie music scene. Despite a few early film appearances, traveling to Italy to sing in a band leaves Peterson ill and destitute until returning to California has her starring in The Groundlings and living in a tree house with a Tarzan-like boyfriend. Her subsequent marriage, haunted house, and struggles with infertility are told alongside the creation of Elvira – with shrewd business deals, appearances, endorsements, and merchandise retaining Peterson's control of the character. Satanic panic backlashes, conservative fears over her cleavage, and canceled television pilots often meant struggling financially. Thanks to her provocative image, outspoken attitude, and unwillingness to compromise character or convictions, Peterson bankrolled her own films – continuing to appear as Elvira during difficult pregnancies and her divorce. There is an entire chapter dedicated to several sexual assaults of varying degrees in an extremely telling commentary on how our society treats a confident woman. In some ways, Peterson's current lesbian relationship – kept hidden for decades for fear of alienating audiences who only cared about her buxom image – is the least interesting aspect about her life. A supportive friendship blossomed into romance, written as a lovely, natural occurrence topping off an entertaining read. This both reads like the way Peterson talks but is also a chronologically laid out and well written, emotional journey of a woman finally at ease in her own skin. Although I had to avoid leaving this book lying around for my curious niece to find thanks to the topless showgirl photos!
A Fun Adaptation
The Mirror Crack'd – Murder She Wrote meets Miss Marple as Angela Lansbury leads this star studded 1980 Agatha Christie adaptation from director Guy Hamilton (Goldfinger). Classy silver screen panache, cigarettes, and scandalous revelations provide a fun awareness to the genre as viewers debate the whodunit clues, motives, and left hand versus right hand weaponry. A new Hollywood production is coming to the quaint English countryside, mixing village airs and graces with swanky jazz, vintage autos, nostalgic reels, and retro cameras. The hats and pearls are a flutter over the dalliances, backhanded insults, and catty attitudes as our jealous actresses trade plastic surgery barbs at the film party. This may be a little slow in setting the scene with who is who, but the film within a film rivalries and temperamental tension lead to murder. Flashbulb pops help the maids revisit the scene of the crime and a suspect daiquiri as Marple weasels the details from the town doctor. Poison, heart attacks, and Tennyson references move quickly once we're on set with Elizabeth I versus Mary Queen of Scots calling each other bitches. Seductive actress Kim Novak (Bell, Book, and Candle) is married to producer Tony Curtis (Some Like It Hot) and will get her way, but director Rock Hudson's (Giant) comeback wife Elizabeth Taylor (Night Watch) expects to win all the awards. Both leading ladies want to change history to benefit their onscreen queen, but which was the intended victim and who had the fatal opportunity? Threatening letters and harassing phone calls escalate the behind the scenes facades and period piece costume checks while our divas – “10 years ago, when I was 16...” – layer the Hollywood commentary, backstory, and trivial British deduction. Everybody in Hollywood is “intimate” but arsenic in the tea, switched medicines, and acid begat more deaths. The show must go on despite the Gene Tierney inspirations, and although the zany movie making and droll meddling are somewhat uneven in the end, the performances with performances remain entertaining. I want the clothes and one can totally see how Murder She Wrote was born here.
Better Bios Available
Montgomery Clift: A Biography by Michelangelo Capua – The format of this 2002 ode to the October 17 birthday boy is odd, with a gossipy, anecdotal tone rather than a factual recounting. Although there's nothing necessarily unusual about the footnotes being indexed in the back of the book rather than at the bottom of the page, the lack of immediate citations makes this reading hear tell frustrating. For all the book's complaints about Clift's overbearing, desperate to be well to do mother Sunny, this also reads very much like that kind of tut tutting old lady. Who said what and when quotes are treated as scandalous nuggets whispered over tea, with truth or origin unimportant compared to the trite, down low gay torment tack. Some early theater material and photographs may be new, but the author's voice is increasingly loose, as if he knew Clift's inner thoughts when most of the information is borrowed from other sources with unclear references. Whether Clift was throupled with his married friends is passed off as confirmed – continually falling back on Clift's tawdry sexuality and ill health while describing his trips to exotic islands with Hispanic men claimed to be his favorite. When not worried about which rich woman hopelessly in love with him was influencing him on set, this repeatedly recalls Clift's drunken antics, embarrassing dinner party routines, or his running through the streets naked. This is a short read with the appendices padding the page number so it maybe an easier introduction to Clift for classic movie newcomers. However, compared to older, longer biographies, this is completely superficial with an eye-rolling Hollywood Babylon pitch. New information about the behind the scenes of Clift's films is far too few and far between the garish here.
Now Reading: I Shouldn't Even Be Doing This by Bob Newhart
For more movies meets literary analysis, listen to several Women InSession Book to Film episodes including:
25 August 2025
Psycho II Guest Podcast
I am so excited to visit with Phil of the Making Tarantino Podcast again! True to our previous horror shenanigans, this episode we chatted about the underrated sequel Psycho II!
Thank you for listening! For 2026 audio/visual guest inquiries, direct messages are open on Blue Sky. Sometimes it's difficult to find an extra one or two days a month to record something but it's also so wonderful to be appreciated in the film critic and podcasting communities! You can find all my past guest appearances via the Podcast tag including:
Making Tarantino House of Dark Shadows
1999 The Podcast The End of the Affair
The Female Gaze Hateship Loveship
26 March 2025
Revisionist Almanac Women's History Month Collaboration
This month it was such a privilege to be part a small part of The Revisionist Almanac's Women's History Month Collaboration podcast!
You can hear many amazing voices amid this epic episode and stay tuned for more video chats with Jaylan Salah on The Jay Days YouTube Channel as well as my guest spot on an upcoming episode of The Female Gaze Film Club!
DMs are open on Blue Sky for collaborations or follow our Podcast tag for past episodes including:
The Revisionist Almanac – 1956
Greatest Movies of All Time – Ben-Hur
1999: The Podcast – The End of the Affair
13 March 2025
2 Too Obvious Horrors
Two Too Obvious Horrors
by Kristin Battestella
These recent women in horror films make for an unfortunately obvious duo playing into cliches and doing much too much. Pity.
Hold Your Breath – Sarah Paulson (American Horror Story) anchors this 2024 Hulu original set in 1930s Oklahoma during the Dust Bowl. Coughing and gasping dreams, our mother's prayers to not be evil, and already deceased children giveaway everything upfront along with flashbacks of dad leaving to work on the railroad and daughters locking their door. Dust lingers in streams of light shining between wood planks; the women wipe, sweep, and beat the sheets but dust is everywhere. On edge neighbors trying to escape monstrous storm clouds lead to wagon accidents and burying dead animals. Families must cling to the safety lines or be swept away in the howling winds. Bedtime stories of the previously tall, golden wheat fields don't alleviate the rattling house, creaking wood, and dirt dunes billowing against the door. Promises to join their father when he sends money become notches on the wall counting his absence while the cows quit and a self-proclaimed healing hands minister hides in the barn. Unfortunately, ridiculously loud modern crescendos interfere with the suspense – deflating the innate breathing, nosebleeds, and dirt in their mouths. There should be no music save for the banging shutters, and although they serve the plot, one wonders if all the other townsfolk are truly necessary. Even our deaf daughter is a contrivance rather than a fully developed character serving the masks, sleeping pills, unknown man, women alone, and mailbag warnings. Entertaining angels unaware Lot scripture reiterates the feminine dangers while the superfluous town gossips whisper about what violence goes on behind closed doors. Friendly knocks on the door from those colloquial ninnies are rebuffed as mom practices putting on her smile in the mirror amid congested interior barricades, fires, and sleepwalking. Pretty white dresses are ruined with blood and no one believes there was a man terrorizing them once you say he's a speck of dust that came in under the door. Viewers understand our unfit mother's selfish descent as the family cycle perpetuates with sewing needle mishaps, shooting at voices in the dust, and children in peril. However grieving visions playing at the mental versus horror metaphors become an overlong, predictable excuse when the crazed, everything's fine pretending was enough for a straight isolation thriller. Despite a fine setting, atmosphere, and performances; this is laid on thick and obvious from the opening scene.
Immaculate – The similarities to The First Omen are indeed apparent, and the obvious title is obvious to everyone but novice Sydney Sweeney (Madame Web) in this 2024 seen it all before nunsploitation yarn. Although questions at customs and searching the suitcase establish the Italian dictionary, Bible, and stuffed animal nervousness about taking the forthcoming vows; the opening runaway nun caught for buried alive screams is unnecessary. I wish the lovely on location filming and scenery were bright enough to actually see and I'm not sure when this is supposed to take place? However the American accent is jarring – an out of place modernity amid the rapid intermixed Italian exposition, diegetic choir chants, and eerie courtyard processions. Suggestive bridal vows, handsome priests, kneeling before the men, and kissing the ring innuendo are laid on thick but the spooky atmosphere and rituals beneath the inner sanctum aren't scary because the audience knows more than our vomiting novitiate. Brief visual distortions and nightmares give way to a happy daylight montage with chores and kitchen quaint even as chickens are killed and old convent patients die. Giggling bathing gossip and questions about if she has been chaste lead to humorous crescendos as they whip the cover off the ultrasound machine. Apparently, she's so faithful the miraculous mom never questions why a convent for dying nuns needs an obstetrician on call. It's tough to support a protagonist that has wine, faints, and wakes up pregnant but isn't suspicious despite Madonna ceremonies, teeth falling out, and jealous drowning attempts. Askew funerary angles, hidden scripture, hair effigies, cross brandings, and a tortured nun getting her tongue cut out attempt medieval touches while mom-to-be in white roams the halls at night with a candle. Chicken ruses, bleeding emergencies, and prayers over said bloody sheets lead to chases and a rough shower scrubbing. The priest puts on black gloves and apologizes if she feels unsafe after being subjected to a rusty nail with 2,000 year old sinews yet it's all so on the nose thanks to egotistical experiments, fetus failures in jars, misused scripture, and secret lab equipment. Questions debating why God hasn't stopped them and Ave Maria choirs feel religion-lite as our woman in labor runs, fights, and climbs the cool catacombs. She damns her water for breaking after bludgeoning the mother superior with hefty a crucifix while Carol of the Bells plays. She strangles the eminence with a rosary when he's smoking and sets the genetics priest on fire, too, as you do. Despite being eighty-odd minutes with lengthy credits eating into the actual runtime, this feels both overlong yet lacking in resolution or consequences. Fortunately our wild, covered in blood mother bites off her umbilical cord and smashes her unseen demon baby with a rock – actions accented by nails on chalkboard screaming and humorous “thump” and “sloshing” closed captions. This is a comedy and I laughed out loud.
22 January 2025
1982 Co-Ed Horror!
1982 Co-Eds in Horror
by Kristin Battestella
This oddly specific trio of 1982 films ups the fatal scares for the feather haired and short shorts wearing co-eds of the day. Familiar faces confront chainsaw killers and morgue mishaps in these diverting vintage horror escapades.
One Dark Night – Unlike today's perfect gradients, the grainy blue night adds eerie atmosphere to this 1982 Meg Tilly (Psycho II) and Adam West (Batman) hazing horror romp with psychic undead, coffins, and creepy crypts. Despite thunder, gothic gates, funerals, and tombstones; this is very slow in getting to the actual mean girls spending the night in the mausoleum initiation thanks to bizarre opening murders, coroner vans, and crime scene carnage largely told rather than seen. Police radio chatter, onlooking crowds, and news reports waste time repeating the electromagnetic phenomenon. Back and forth cutting to the teen babes in matching bad girl jackets and photo booth fun at the arcade are also unnecessary. All of the estranged family occult, life force photographs, energy vampires, and telekinesis theories should have been shown in the beginning, and we shouldn't meet the teenagers until the drive to the cemetery. Their frienemy peer pressure doesn't need jealousy over the jock – even if that meant losing the vintage mustang and sweaty basketball scenes with short shorts and tiny towels. Dares at the door, berating threats, and Demerol ruses provide cruelty amid classism toward the poor wannabes and racism toward the stereotypical scaredy cat, toothbrush chewing Black girl who's told she's a “real” sister. Crypt plaques, flowers, sympathy cards, pews, and candles set the morose scene for the fake frights as the cracked vaults and dark windows invoke the overnight spooky. The psychic evil feeds off the delirium, vicious tricks, and growing fears inside the mausoleum maze, and it's unfortunate that the trapped suspense is continually broken by unnecessary outside scenes – delaying most of the scares until the final twenty minutes. However, the levitating caskets, reanimated rotting, and gooey bodies are superb when they do happen. Chapel prayers and individual frights escalate with crumbling crypts, rattling objects, and metaphysical winds as the mean girls get what they deserve. It's bemusing that the biggest names here have the least to do, and behind the scenes problems resulted in different video versions. Fortunately, the fun house horror finale does a lot without much gore thanks to skeletons, zombies, worms, and purple glows making for some entertaining late night ooze.
Pieces – Christopher and Lynda Day George strike again in this Boston set, Spanish produced 1982 campus slasher. The 1942 quaint quickly turns to saucy violence, rage, and surprising splatter as our ten year old boy is not going to take it anymore. Forty years later, the creative power tools and collecting body parts resume thanks to bloody mementos of his mother and a fondness for nudie jigsaw puzzles. The murderous psychosis and disturbing social commentary beget groovy skateboarding and perky retro sweaters but the giggling, skinny-dipping babes don't last long thanks to chainsaws, creepy gardeners, and dripping bags in the freezer. This video nasty isn't shy in showing the head chopping gore, and we move from one crime to the next with swanky saxophone music, raunchy couples, and scene-chewing police trying to keep the killer publicity quiet. Deaths mount in the titular assembly of the perfect woman while Fame-esque dance classes, techno music, and leg warmers add nostalgia. Undercover tennis coach Lynda is on the case – contending with pesky newspaper reporters and “Bastards!” before more dancing leads to layered maze-like chases and thunder heralds the fatal anticipation. Despite nighttime lighting and dark killer silhouettes, we can see the equal opportunity nudity and everything in the limb losing elevator. Ironic marching band music, locker room showers, knives, and waterbeds make varied use of every campus opportunity. That curious lady reporter shouldn't sneak around alone, and cops vomit at the consequences. Sure, some of the acting is over the top. However girls are being sawed in half and the authorities are one step behind what the audience knows. The self-aware slasher pastiche does what it says on the tin and comes together for a bemusing finish.
22 October 2024
Revisionist Almanac Let's Get Spooky Podcast Collab!
It was such a pleasure being asked by @AndrewCorns13 to take part in The Revisionist Almanac Podcast's Let's Get Spooky Project! My thoughts on my favorite horror films and a few more intriguing scary movie questions are included alongside several other podcasters. Listen now @RevAlmanac!
The 2024 Spooky Season Collaboration Project has arrived!
— The Revisionist's Almanac 🎥🎞️🍿 (@RevAlmanac) October 10, 2024
You’ll hear about some of our favorite horror movies, find out which horror sub genres we prefer, and much more.
Check out the episode which is available on all podcast streaming platforms. #Spooktober pic.twitter.com/I1qWq3LQOq
Also stay tuned for more 2025 spots at The Revisionist Almanac! You can keep track of my audio/visual guest appearances with our Podcast and Video labels and browse previous collabs:
House of Dark Shadows Guest Podcast
21 October 2024
Just Vamps 2024! 🧛🏻♀️
Retro Just Vamps 2024!
by Kristin Battestella
It's been awhile since I did some dedicated vampire viewing! Here's a trio of toothy throwbacks varying in their vampire success.
Pale Blood – It's 1990 and our thoroughly modern vampire traveling with a fold-out portable coffin hires a Los Angeles detective agency to solve a series of gruesome copycat crimes in this Hong Kong direct to video production that shows it's age with a flat print, poor sound, and far too many hustle and bustle traffic transitions. Voiceovers that won't make sense until the end, airport minutia, anonymous driving, logistical exposition, and then more driving make for a very slow start. Punk music at the club is edgy with tense, electronic seedy to set the mood, but the music montage vignettes serve no purpose – save for a nonchalant Sybil Danning (The Howling II) as a blink and you miss her pedestrian. Berets, brooches, boxy coats, vintage cars, and a mod vampire condo provide cool nostalgia while blue nighttime lighting, red spotlights, and neon signs pepper steamy scenes. Sensationalist news crews report on the dead body at the boutique, but our ingenue detective has Nosferatu clips and knows all the vampire lore. The clever deduction is well done with debates on the puncture marks and questions why a vampire wouldn't just take enough blood rather than unnecessarily kill. Where does the blood go if he's not drinking it? What do you do if the killer is a vampire and you actually catch him? Our cruising vampire needs no pick up lines – getting right to the strobe in the bedroom, colorful pink titillation, bitten boobs, and overhead revelry. Shadows and silhouettes accent violent flashes of the bloody crimes as the splatter and psychic visions escalate. Everyone in the club watching who might be the vampire when they each have a different piece of the puzzle creates tension. The enthralled dame loves his hypnotic eyes, but he doesn't want her to fall in love with him and uses an eerie echoing voice to make her forget him. However, our photographer repeatedly demands his models touch an egg during a suggestive shoot, luring hookers who need the money into sessions they don't want to do. Toxic masculinity abounds as the women are bitten, manhandled, and harassed before being strapped to the table with bloody tubes, sinks, and drains. Locked up vampires able to poof out and levitate make little sense before a one on one fight hampered by obvious cut corners filming. The style grows stagnant in last half hour with dated cheapness, and the silly twists run out of steam. Fortunately, the revelations are surprisingly smart with a bemusing finale comeuppance. This is an entertaining midnight movie – for the erroneous hokey as well as for the ambiance it gets right.
The Reflecting Skin – Viggo Mortensen contends with a would-be vampire in rural 1950s America for this 1990 British/Canadian co-production from writer and director Philip Ridley (also of The Passion of Darkly Noon with Mortensen). However the lovely golden fields and patriotic flag waving aren't what they seem thanks to the bittersweet score, youths tormenting frogs, and bloody pranks against kooky widow Lindsay Duncan (Rome). Unique, innocent names like Dolphin Blue and Seth Dove contrast debates on killing reptiles and if the dead are angels in heaven or in a coffin being eaten by worms. Seth's father reads a book about vampires that suck the life out of you while his mother obsessively cleans in hope that soldier son Viggo's return will make their downtrodden life better. She also makes Seth drink too much water until he pees his pants, and metaphors about drinking blood, dehydration, and thirst accent the creepy farmhouse with old whaling artifacts. It's actually funny how our imaginative boy with nothing to do jumps to the conclusion that the widow is a vampire. She gives Seth a freaky old harpoon and recounts how her husband hung himself and took all the sunshine out of her life. Of course, from a child's perspective, grief making a woman feel 200 years old is taken literally rather than as sad and lonely. When another youth goes missing, the hysterical blame scapegoats and social outcasts as the repressed isolation is passed between weird twins and screaming kids. The cartoonish sheriff advertises our dad's gay encounters because surely he must be the pervert responsible for the dead body in the well, and mom slaps her husband around for having to live down his gossip. Serving was the only way for Viggo's Cameron to get away from the fiery destruction and shrewdly layered symbolism on the repression about to burst, and he doesn't appear until forty minutes into the film. Their home is ugly and smaller now and he admonishes young Seth that he is not a hero thanks to his guilt over the atom bomb. Upon discovering a calcified dead fetus, Seth talks to it and keeps it under his bed like a doll. It's both silly and worrisome when he makes a cross and spies on his brother, not understanding the sadness at the cemetery nor his intrusion upon Cameron's flirting with Dolphin. Seth's lack of comprehension grows while his empathy diminishes; he mistakes Cameron's radiation symptoms as the vampire's doing when the naked man lies as the babe in her arms. Disturbing abductions and lies happen in the picturesque daylight, and there's no one to blame but ourselves once mentally unstable youth become little monsters filled with secrets and sin. Once his brother intends to leave with his lady love, Seth won't be left behind with his dead baby doll. He makes a demented choice to perpetuate violence as the sun sets on his innocence. Obviously this is not a true horror piece, however this dark social commentary still speaks on today's horrors of war that we pretend don't exist. This is an excellent, ahead of its time vampire as mirror to nature metaphor analyzing fear and fanatics. One bereaved mother asks what's killing our children but we are – and that's the real horror.
Skip Unless You Want to Laugh
Dracula's Guest – This low budget 2008 direct-to-video production is very loosely based on Bram Stoker's titular short story, and the amateur acting and bad accents compound the overly wordy, trying to sound ye old script. The in media res opening also has Elizabeth Murray telling her betrothed Bram Stoker that Dracula has raped her with the seed of his beast, giving away the violence, death, and family secrets before going back six months earlier for time-wasting fencing and BFF sparring. Coastal photography, spooky crescendos, and tolling bells herald Dracula's realty request for a rental with high walls and no windows. However his constant scowl is... a choice...., and the men bending over backward for his commission are humorous alongside proper Victorian fathers tut tutting at an arm around the shoulder as practically fornicating in public. Admiral Murray demands Elizabeth and Bram wait a year to marry, so she runs away to be captured by Dracula. The talking back dialogue is too modern yet naive, and cutting away from danger for men talking about what they are going to do about it again wastes time whilst also hampering any attempt at patriarchal commentary. Simple sets, low budget necessities, and minimal effects are fine; but it's a disjointed hop, nonsensical skip, and instantaneous jump to Transylvania as convenient. Rather than staying with the candlelight menace, we cut away again to lovelorn Bram taking scenic strolls when his hackney old landlady does her best Una O'Connor impression. Such unnecessary elements short change the story with unintentional laughter on top of the erroneous attempt to make the rapaciousness romantic as if this were Meatloaf's “I Would Do Anything for Love.” Despite being in a dungeon with only a mattress and her corset, Elizabeth never realizes her peril. She cries out for Bram – who's being chased by French peasants through Germany on Walpurgisnacht – and that's actually the only segment from the Stoker source. Unfortunately, the poor pacing, weak writing, and character stupidity play like a parody of Billy Crystal and Carol Kane in The Princess Bride. The entire opening scene repeats in the final twenty minutes, and despite some attempted eerie sequences, there are no really scary scenes. Action hero Bram dangles on the castle ledge, putting up his fists and vowing to defeat Dracula with his Notre Dame logo looking self before the Admiral's sword fight with Dracula makes room for a bad quip between every thrust and parry. Our Big Man Vampire is easily defeated with little point to Elizabeth being pregnant and immortal with her own supposed magical abilities. If this wasn't going to be a self-aware comedy, then it should have stuck more faithfully to Stoker's story. Although this isn't a waste of time if you can laugh, it can't be taken seriously, either.
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