Pandemic Horror Pros and Cons

Pandemic Horror Pros and Cons

by Kristin Battestella

Being at home during the Coronavirus outbreak has led to new viewing opportunities and plenty of time to watch them. Unfortunately, that doesn't mean that these recent famous monsters, demon films, supernatural tales, and ghostly terrors are going to be all quality.

These were Good...

Frankenstein – Jonny Lee Miller (Elementary) and Benedict Cumberbatch (Sherlock) alternate as the Doctor and His Monster for director Danny Boyle (Shallow Grave) in these two, two hour performances presented by National Theatre Live. Tolling bells, heartbeats, billowing backdrops, red lighting, and shadows invoke membranes and tissue for the monstrous birth while circular staging, mechanical floor changes, and electricity crackle with smoke and sound effects. Sweeping camerawork and overhead views add a surreal, looking down on high symbolism as locomotives, goggles, and top hats create an industrial, steampunk mood. Well done scarring, stitching, and bald, pasty looks match the pulsing nerves and body contortions which, though melodramatic for the back row to some, are realistic discoveries. This performance requires a certain agility and flexibility – Cumberbatch shows range in the ugly, yet his portrayal is more childlike or simpleton compared to Miller's guttural cries and visceral physicality. Our Creature begins helpless, unable to control his limbs amid confusion, laughter, and pain. With no dialogue in the first ten minutes, the audience is expected to be familiar with the story, leaving the doctor's abandonment, sing song rowdy, and horrified crowds to speak for themselves alongside young innocence and an emotional score. Some viewers may find the interpretive almost performance art bemusing at first, however the beatings on the street lead to a humble homestead and a blind man unafraid of kindness, and the drama gets better as it goes on with lessons on God, sin, tenderness, and paradise. Men are hungry, thirsty for food and knowledge – asking big questions on existence, friendship, and philosophy while conflict and tragedy mount. Dreams of a female creature come to life are an unexpected but welcome ballet before fire, screams, fear, and revenge. Fiancee Naomi Harris (Skyfall) is sublime in modern regency looks, but her grace and compassion aren't what Victor wants thanks to fatal lakeside encounters and vengeful confrontations. He despises his Creation but is proud of him because The Monster proves Victor could, and superb intellectual debates on who's the hardened murderer or justified and wronged lonely are really about conquering death rather than scientific experimentation. Reasoning like men falls prey to grave robbing and aggression, and though appalled at a second, surely wicked creation, Victor delights in the female challenge. Cumberbatch is more in his element reveling in the mad science as nightmares and ghosts create a sounding board in lieu of showing laboratory wonders. This perfect woman, however, needs a man not a monster, and the conflict doesn't shy away from the marital bed. Our impotent, stitching perfection together doctor won't procreate with his wife, but the females here are objects of desire solely for the violence of men, never appreciated for their goodness and unnecessarily assaulted as father doctor and creation son each learn to lie and best each other for their own gain. Although unnecessary extras and a slow, uneven start may feel off putting or overlong to some, the action and dramatic pace increase in the second half. I personally preferred the Miller as the Creature version, but thanks to National Theatre At Home Options, this dual told story remains entertaining with some great one on one segments for an interactive classroom reading and viewing comparison.

The Heretics – Kidnappings, ritual symbols, altars, torches, and cults lead to freaky masks, chanting, demons, and sacrifices in this 2017 Canadian indie. The nightmares continue five years later despite group therapy, volunteer work, and an overprotective mother who won't let her daughter walk home alone. Assaulted and abused women are meek and apologetic, comforted by time heals all wounds hopeful, but others don't want to be touched, refusing to be victims and tired of lies that don't make it better. Would they go back and change their experience or seek revenge? Our female couple supports each other with realistic conversations and maturity – not horror's typical angry lez be friends titillation solely for the viewer gaze. Unfortunately, creepy campers, chains, and a scarred abductor ruin necklaces and birthday plans, leading to skull entrance markers, an isolated cabin, and flashbacks of the original attack with hooded dead, white robes, and flowery dresses marred in blood. Sunrise deadlines, whispers of angels, fitting Gloria names, and religious subtext balance faith, doubts, God, biblical aversions, and horns. What's a delusion and who's delusional? Who's right or wrong about what they believe? The multi-layered us versus them, who's really involved in what sinister, and what is truth or lies aren't clear amid threats, stabbings, whips, and history repeating itself. Men versus women innuendo and who needs saving attempts add to the less than forthcoming police, lack of answers, and obsessive searches. Who is trying to protect whom? Violence begets violence thanks to fanatical beliefs in the ritual and long awaited ceremonies. This demon is deceptive, growing stronger and more tantalizing despite a gross, uncomfortable sex scene. Occasionally the boo monster in your face jumps are forced, but the fine body horror, creaking wings breaking out the back, squishing sounds, and black sinews make up the differences. Fevers, convulsions, hairy clumps, and visions increase along with the realizations of what is happening before candles, pentagrams, burns, and one more final sacrifice. Viewers know where it all has to go, yet this remains entertaining getting there via escalating horror invasive, ritual complications, and one ready and waiting demon.

But Jinkies These were Stinky

Annabelle Comes Home – A middle of nowhere cemetery, foggy crossroads, engine trouble, and ghosts in the backseat open this 2019 entry in The Conjuring universe with creepy atmosphere and familiar faces as Ed and Lorraine Warren (Patrick Wilson, Vera Farmiga) bless and encase the titular doll in their demonic collection. Despite warnings on possession, crosses, and phantoms knocking at the door, the nowhere left to go timeline is backed into a confusing corner – we're after the prologue but before the main events of the First Film in an unseen in between home alone with The Warrens' daughter and her babysitter. Newspaper articles about The Warrens allow for mean jokes, bullies, and nasty neighbors, however it's tough to feel anything ominous when pesky folks deliberately go into the spooky vault and get what they deserve. Sixties music cues, record players, and period patterns are just window dressing as the teen sitter and her sassy BFF look too young and modern, and our charge also seems too old to be so childish. Thanks to contrived psychic encounters, terrible serenades, convenience, and more boy trouble, they all make stupid decisions just because the plot says so. Messing with the cursed items is merely an excuse for a variety of evil games, pointless evil wolf apparitions, and pianos playing by themselves. The random ghosts unnoticed in the background as if they are always among us are chilling and the rocking chair creaking by itself accents evil brides and decent individual scare vignettes. Unfortunately, the deflated Halloween horror feels tacked on in a bad coming of age movie sleepover complete with the cliché inhaler, and we never care about the people because viewers know nothing of consequence is going to happen to upset the canon. It turns out exploring The Warrens house while they are away for most of the film is derivative and boring, and this is more like a Conjuring for kids who shouldn't be watching the R rated flagship films. I zoned out after the first hour, only to be alerted by all the obnoxious phones ringing and incessant door bells – for the most frightening thing here is trite jump scare noise.

Demonic – Maria Bello (The Dark) and Frank Grillo (The Gates) lead this 2015 ghost hunters picture within a picture from producer James Wan (Insidious). Though brief, the opening credits are typical news reports and hyperbolic headlines of satanic rituals and brutal murders. Cell phone calls fill in exposition on the crime house, the sheriff's interrupted love life, and country town first name basis. Creepy dolls, fresh blood, and new bodies are at the scene of the original crime, but then we go back to the sunny one week earlier as our paranormal, passive aggressive yuppies have ominous chats about visions, dead mothers, and pregnancy giveaways in a weak connection to the past horrors. Via interrogations and corrupted cameras, the current investigation and the precipitating paranormal house attack unfold side by side. We just saw these people's dead bodies in the house, so it's not so much confusing as it is pointless and irritating to go back and forth. Viewers aren't seeing anything in the proper time solely to delay and distort the narrative with amateur intercuts and handy cams. For seemingly sophisticated equipment, all the innate herky jerky is cheap with off camera screams and attacks unseen not because that's scary, but because it was easier not to show what matters. We don't get to follow the police discovery trying to piece together the footage from their view because we're being subjected to in your face found footage fake outs that toy with what's in camera and out of the point of view. People are missing but apparently finding them isn't as important as perusing the lame footage complete with driving to the horror, useless store stops, trite introductions, and exposition not conversations. The present adults and whiny coeds going where they shouldn't are terribly disjointed, padding the two movies in one feeling with interrogation voiceovers such as “Let me get this straight....” Critical information is deliberately withheld until contrived car chases, convenient confrontations, easily deduced laptop clues, and occult research reiterate the absolutely not surprising possessions. Cliché ghosts, black ooze, and hackneyed open mouth roars can't disguise the jumbled mess, and it all insults the wise horror viewer – treating us as if we're as stupid as the people in the movie.

Malevolent – Scamming medium Florence Pugh (The Falling) sees real ghosts in this 2018 British/Netflix original set in 1986 as indicated with old televisions, large equipment, tape decks, and microfilm. The neon discotheques, however, are unnecessary, and the trench coats, high ponytails, and stacked bangles look more like costumes than clothes. If one misses the onscreen date, you might not even notice this is meant to be a period piece especially thanks to modern dialogue and today's terribly young looking twenty-somethings who don't seem old enough to drive much less orchestrate eighties supernatural con jobs. Grandpa James Cosmo (Game of Thrones) provides classy poise, but he's embarrassingly only used in one scene loaded with family history before spooky phone calls and bizarre self help tape voiceovers. Maybe the smoking, drug references, and warped positivity are meant to be character layers – we can understand the stress her big brother has in taking on all the family responsibilities – but his shady dealings make him a real jerk and he bullies his sister and girlfriend into the haunt hoax before blaming them for thinking the scheme's gone too far when he's at fault. Schoolgirls were murdered at the eerie manor in their latest investigation, but the maze like rooms and falling through the floor injuries feel hollow because our jerk demands they continue the faux exorcising despite the risks so he can get paid. Nosebleeds to indicate when one really has a ghostly encounter become trite when they happen every time. Once is enough, but the audience is beat over the head with this minute detail rather than seeing more about the old lady who calls their showmanship bluff. There's no sense of scale or consequences when something we already know is revealed to a character just to move the plot elsewhere. Viewers are over the footage within footage camerawork, as if we don't look at devices enough and need any type of screen to look through rather than just see for ourselves. Sideways video from a dropped camera, creepy dolls, and sing song music are getting old, too when following a silent ghost is all we need. It's tough to appreciate sinister villains cutting people's tongues out when we don't care about the victim by time we get to the haunted house meets contemporary chop shop torture in the final act. Whether it's by human or supernatural means, there's never any doubt where the cliches are going.

Recent Weres, Vamps, and Ghostly Films!

Contemporary Werewolves, Vampires, and Ghosts, Oh My!

By Kristin Battestella

Despite the abundance of low budget, poor quality scary film fair, not all modern horror pictures are that bad. Here’s a few slightly feminine wolfys, vamps, and paranormal creepies giving some hope to recent horror productions – and one stinker, of course.

Byzantium – Gemma Arterton (Quantum of Solace) and Saiorse Ronan (The Lovely Bones) anchor this 2013 vampire spin from director Neil Jordan (Interview with a Vampire) co-starring Jonny Lee Miller (Hackers), Maria Doyle Kennedy (The Tudors), and Caleb Landry Jones (X-Men: First Class). The cinematography from Sean Bobbitt (Hunger) is intriguing, and a golden, antique patina contrasts the bitter daylight, nightclubs, boarded windows, and harsh concrete. Ironic uses of Etta James standards and melancholy piano music add to the slight sense of abstract– the contemporary still has a feeling of the past in old décor, fedoras, and aged computers. Nostalgic paper, pens, and handwriting or scandalous red lights and saucy lingerie establish the ladies’ personalities better than the in medias res mellow narration, which takes too long for viewers who didn’t know this movie would be about vampires. Fortunately, Arterton is sexy yet deadly and nude yet refined – she’s a killer in every sense of the word but bizarrely maternal, loving, and considerate. Although Ronan’s depressing, woe is me burdens are a bit much, her somber, hypnotic blue eyes are classy and bittersweet. Her flashbacks provide interesting snippets of period piece macabre; the past wasn’t glamorous but dirty, grimy, and violent thanks to Miller. Clearly, the emo Eleanor just wants attention, and those ready to die recognize her for what she is. Aren’t there better ways to go about your hidden existence until disbelieving authorities, prodding schools, and teen angst disrupt it? Each vampire seems trapped in easy, cliché mindsets from centuries ago – nobody can learn anything or mature in 200 years? The fine but disorienting flashback within flashback and non-linear two hours make the audience wonder why writer Moira Buffini (adapter of the 2011 Jane Eyre, where the flashback pacing worked wonderfully) didn’t put the storytelling in order or tighten the slightly long and uneven vampire mythos instead of calling attention to the hip framework. Brief shots of the seemingly aware police in pursuit go unexplained until the finale, and perhaps the plot should have been all period or totally present. Thankfully, the brooding feminine spin, artsy blood and gore, and a unique vampire creation and organization combine alongside the subtle but expected sharp nails, wrist bites, and jokes about fangs or daylight. These ladies dab the blood from their lips, quietly wait for the invitation to enter, get tempted by the sight of blood and injury, take the lives of the ill or elderly – and they watch Hammer movies! This isn’t scary, and the assorted accents and Brit-ness may bother some. However, this isn’t a sparkly teeny bopper love triangle either. The viewer doesn’t always know what happens next in the intense finish, and this tale makes for a surprising, worthy piece of vampire storytelling.

(Ironically, I must say, I have a 2008 novel about a family of vampires that goes back and forth with flashbacks and varies points in time, too, hehe.)

Ginger Snaps – This quality Canadian horror drama will be too teen girl angst for some adult male audiences; it’s not for animal lovers and today, such teen sex, drug uses, school violence, juvenile morbidity, and obsessions with death would land sisters Katharine Isabelle (American Mary) and Emily Perkins (Hiccups) in serious hot water. Director John Fawcett (The Dark) and co-writer Karen Walton’s (Orphan Black) puberty is horror theme, however, was new during the Y2K era and this Red Riding Hood equals Big Bad Wolf combination fits the solid coming of age progression and lycanthrope twists. Unlike recent in your face horror clichés, there’s sexy here without cheap nudity, the handsome blood and gore isn’t too gory, and the non-CGI wolf get ups are well done. The sharp editing isn’t hectic or seizure inducing, and the likeable, witty, sardonic characters are given full room to blossom or wax irony– the go to expert on wolfs bane is the town’s resident pot dealer! The audience doesn’t know how far the scares and suspense will escalate or if this sisterly core can survive the wolfy puberty. Unfortunately, there is a big, slightly unsatisfying problem with the typical house under construction chase finale and all the potentially worthy plot lines and red herrings left hanging in its wake. How much did quirky mom Mimi Rogers (Someone to Watch Over Me) really know? She’s giddy on periods and womanhood and just happens to buy the deadly poison needed at a craft store – seriously? Deleted scenes and extended DVD editions once again rear their head here, but none of that answers one very critical question: Who’s the original dang wolf? Yes, this lovely werewolf build up and fine feminine sisterhood feels imbalanced in the end, however this is a great, morbid teen thriller for budding macabre young ladies. 

Mama – Jessica Chastain (Zero Dark Thirty) and Nikolaj Coster-Waldau (Game of Thrones) lead this 2013 scary fairy tale from producer Guillermo Del Toro (Pan’s Labyrinth), director Andres Muschietti and co writers Barbara Muschietti (from their original Mama short film) and Neil Cross (Luther). Dangerous snowy roads, car action, and police radio immediately establish the isolated cabin and wooded perils for these adorable little girls and their innocent statements. Firelight only scenes, dark surroundings, and creepy noises accent the almost livable but messy designs and wild child state of mind. Eerie observation rooms, case study reports, medical analysis, and research montages anchor the scary amid a reality of courtrooms, technology, and red tape. Some of the brighter colors do seem too pretty or oversaturated; however, pleasing shadows, reflections, and flicking lights keep the spooky subtle. Megan Charpentier (Resident Evil: Retribution) and Isabelle Nelisse (Whitewash) create an excellent mix of sympathy and disturbing – their child artwork, whispers, and games are both cute and eerie along with moth symbolisms and leaf motifs. Although she has stunning eyes and cheekbones, Chastain doesn’t quite fit her character’s short, dark hair and punk style. Her attitude and problem with kids feels fake or without cause, and she’s more worried about her own safety then helping these girls. Her Annabel is more like a stunted teen babysitter, complains this isn’t her job, and what bass we hear from her isn’t that good. Psychiatrist Daniel Kash (Hannibal) is right when he tells her to grow up, but he also foolishly doesn’t share all his case findings. Is this film about a doctor and a woman trying to help in this unique child tale or is it about scaring the obligatory but rocker babe? Realizations come too easy, the rules of the scares change, the motivation or abilities of the entity become purely opportune, convenient file folders and information are stolen without consequences, and research ladies who claim to not know anything sure do drop a load of exposition. The bump in the night scares or jump moments are typical don’t look in the closet, haunted house hijinks, and the extra boom chords and flashes of light are unnecessary, for the audience only ploys when the troubling video sessions with the girls or seeing and hearing their reactions suffice. The CGI also looks iffy and dark, and though fittingly eerie, askew and distorted coma visions and dreamy flashbacks look cartoonish. Most of all, however, I’m disappointed that the rental blu-ray is full of previews and shows the menus and features before blocking them with “This disc is intended for rental purposes and only includes the feature film.” Hmph. There is a nice pace, mood, and atmosphere here, but the lack of answers, plot holes, and thinly drawn characters will be too much for some viewers to ignore. I mean, not only do the psychology and relationship possibilities fall prey to womanly doing right by the spirit sacrifices, but explanations to the authorities are never considered and what happened to the &^$#% dog? Longtime horror viewers won’t be fooled by the surprising moments and twists here, but fortunately, there is enough child likability and ghostly traditional style for a disturbing watch or two.

Do Skip

Metamorphosis – A promising Elizabeth Bathory narration, Hungary 1610 period fine, and a firelight sweet palette rush to start this 2007 vampire tale before jumping into the present day with a superstitious funeral, great cemetery iconography, and screeching owls. On location country sides and castle filming add authenticity while crosses shake in the presence of vampires for a unique spin. Christopher Lambert (Highlander) has a lot of fun here – even when the script fails him with clichés, jokes, and bad quips ad nauseam. Lambert and family vampire curses past and present would have been enough to carry the 90 plus minutes here, but unfortunately, obnoxious BMW driving youth and their bad acting takes over most of the time. Their gallivanting is of course due to the cliché book research excuse, and a lot of plot holes and not a lot of writing ensue with Corey Sevier (North Shore) and Irena A. Hoffman (House of Flesh Mannequins). The younger cast simply seem like they are in a different, wooden, mess of a movie compared to the classy or seriousness from the elder monks or nuns at hand, and I’ve never wanted to fast forward thru such a moodless, laughable, candlelit sex scene so much in my life. The hip dialogue and delivery from the juvenile ensemble is completely unbelievable and jarring rad cool mixed with past speaketh. The entire Bathory descendants plot and purgatory talk is woefully obvious to the viewer, and it’s tough to find sympathy when the kid cast is waxing historical or mocking what we’ve already seen. The setting should have stayed in the past or gotten to the atmospheric trapped in a scary castle mood much, much sooner. Half the cast, all the comic relief, and the lame excuses disguised as twists should have been excised in favor of explanations and clarifications. Bad fang and eyes effects, pathetic faux Fu, hardly any blood, woeful staking effects, crappy car accident action, and painfully apparent post accident twists are simply too stupid to get past unless you can have a good time laughing along with Lambert.

Dracula 2000

Dracula 2000 A Guilty Pleasure Fun Fest 

By Kristin Battestella
 

 The 19^th century had Bram Stoker’s original Dracula, the 20^th Century had the likes of Nosferatu, Bela Lugosi, Christopher Lee, Gary Oldman, and more scary, sensual, or comedic vampire spins. The turn of the millennium, however, had Dracula 2000 – producer Wes Craven’s authorized revision of now dated camp, clichés, twists, and so bad its good delights.

Alerted by the amount of impressive security around her boss Matthew Van Helsing’s (Christopher Plummer) antique shop, Solina (Jennifer Esposito), her boyfriend Marcus (Omar Epps), and his team of thieves (Sean Patrick Thomas and Danny Masterson) break into Van Helsing’s vault, steal a dazzling silver coffin, and inadvertently unleash the imprisoned Count Dracula (Gerard Butler) on their getaway plane. Once the plane crashes outside New Orleans, Dracula quickly makes vampire brides (Jeri Ryan and Colleen Fitzpatrick) as he searches for Mary (Justine Waddell) – a young woman who shares his visions thru a unique blood connection. Van Helsing and his assistant Simon (Jonny Lee Miller) pursue Dracula and the undead in his wake – but can they stop him before Dracula takes Mary as his next vampire bride?

Although it is probably common knowledge today, I don’t want to spoil everything about the solid Van Helsing family plots, vampire blood connections, smart use of leeches, and Biblical concepts anchoring Dracula 2000. The first time you see it; these unique topics from director Patrick Lussier (My Bloody Valentine 3D) and co-writer Joel Soisson (Highlander: Endgame) stand out in very pleasing, memorable twists. However, the more one watches Dracula 2000, the more flaws and campy over substance mistakes appear. Despite the tremendous potential of these unique vampire spins, this is unfortunately not a Dracula adaptation for the new millennium, but rather a very of the moment, cliché vamp tale. From its then-hip cast, action styles, and dated fashions to turn of this century tunes and ridiculously obvious product placements, most of the excessive flash and over the top, uh, excess of Dracula 2000 has not stood the test of time. Longtime Dracula fans will spot book references like Dr. Seward, Carfax Abbey, and other Stoker connections, but there should have been more of these nuggets included even if you are updating the tale. It’s a pity, as this picture could have been a lot more than just a cheesy, pop excuse for some great bad, very bad to the point of quotable lines. I still use, “I don’t drink….coffee.” Dracula 2000 is certainly watchable and even down right entertaining if you indulge in the formulaic fun, but you have to forget the glorious potential and what could have been in order to enjoy.

Naturally, part of the joy in watching Dracula 2000 is Gerard Butler, and I actually don’t really like him without a beard. That aside, there’s still enough hotness here from the 300 star, oh yes – he’s wet, open-shirted, black trench coat wearing, kicking butt, and biting necks. Thanks to his more recent action or sour romantic comedy films, one probably wouldn’t think of Butler for a horror movie, much less as a vampire these days. Here, however, he’s the perfect mix of pale, svelte, mysterious, bewitching, and deadly. Granted, some of the vamp flying leaps and theatrics that were so popular fifteen years ago are over the top, but Butler also keeps the eponymous Count just cheeky enough alongside his angry, century long battle with Christopher Plummer (The Sound of Music, Beginners) as Van Helsing. He’s always classy and simply perfection, yet Plummer’s Van Helsing is also wonderfully shady at the same time. He’s the good guy gent who has royally messed up, yet we trust his wise ways and vampire hunting skills to out do Dracula. Plummer adds a much needed elder statesmen panache to Dracula 2000 – his potential father, son, and daughter emotions belies a hope that the film will stay a serious undead with consequences picture. Much as Dracula 2000 is remembered for Gerard Butler’s youthful glory and his 2,000-year-old twist, it’s a pity Van Helsing ends up as a secondary character. Though Direct to Video retconned sequels Dracula II: Ascension and Dracula III: Legacy do follow, today’s model would have been to keep stars like Butler and Plummer for some Hammer-esque, big ticket franchising. I would have liked to see that!  

 I liked Justine Waddell’s period piece turns in Great Expectations and The Woman in White – her later work perhaps proves she has the best acting skills of all the ladies here – but her Mary in Dracula 2000 nearly sinks the entire picture. Even for the Y2K era, Mary is woefully dated, too innocent, simple, and small. She’s erroneously set up as Dracula’s main foil, but the telepathic connections and when and how she uses her ties to the vampire are conveniently utilized as needed for a plot deus ex machina or cool, dreamy effects. It’s not fresh, since Dracula and Mary so uncomfortably lack chemistry, and it’s simply unbelievable that she is the object of his affection and main foe in this battle of undead wits. Their dynamic just doesn’t register – this is the one? Really? I know it is a stupid thing to notice, but Mary also wears little flip-flop sandals for the duration of Dracula 2000’s vamp mayhem. This is just such impractical footwear when battling the nosferatu! I’d much rather have seen the blood ties between Van Helsing and Dracula explored. Two men at odds sharing such a personal, suggestive connection – now that would have been interesting! Thankfully, Jonny Lee Miller (Hackers) works as the then-cool hipster turned sudden vampire hunter in training. Yes, he has some greatly stupid but fun lines amid the preposterous slow motion action. His Simon, however, looks good with the crossbow and vampire hunting gadgetry, and Miller’s scenes with Plummer are delightful. The Van Helsing legacy comes thru far better in their early scenes than in the inexplicable Mary metaphysical moments. Besides, “Never, ever fuck with an antiques dealer!” is far more memorable.

Fortunately, Dracula 2000 is also littered with fun to spot appearances by everyone and their grandmother from back in the day. Some performances are better than others, some live longer than they should, and most of them have ridiculously bad lines, yet this, “Hey, it’s that guy!” humor adds to the audience’s good time. From Omar Epps (House) and Jennifer Esposito’s (Blue Bloods) seriously campy and innuendo-laden dialogue to brief appearances by Danny Masterson (That 70’s Show), Sean Patrick Thomas (Save the Last Dance), Lochlyn Munro (Scary Movie), and Shane West (ER), there’s a pun for everyone. And did I mention Nathan Fillion (Firefly) as Mary’s resident Priest?  Colleen Fitzpatrick, better known as then-hot singer Vitamin C, gets to stand beside her own CD for posterity, and Star Trek’s own Seven of Nine Borg hottie Jeri Ryan asks a victim if he’s ever thought about making it with a TV star. I also love how Dracula’s brides all magically get curly hair after being bitten – nyuk nyuk nyuk!  

 

While some of the special effects and paranormal designs in Dracula 2000 still look pleasing, other makeup and visuals look very poor compared to today’s high definition and CGI. Again, the of the moment need to look cool trumps any possibilities for lavish or timeless style, and what suave scenes are present are purely there for the style over substance. What is that red hallway with all the breezy red sheers supposed to be? Some of the aforementioned slow motion also contrasts with the too fast and flashy editing at times. It all looks nice and fancy when it wants to be, but the pace can be undecided if you think about it too much. Of course, all the Virgin Records symbolism, logos, Megastore fronts, and products also immediately date Dracula 2000 – our heroine works in a record store that no longer exists stateside! But it’s cool, this record store had, like, escalators, dude. The loud, unnecessary music is so in your face, and honestly, I don’t think any of it is very good. Great New Orleans locations are somehow not as cool as they could be either thanks to the cliché, unsexy Mardi Gras scenes. Clues hidden in the quick, blink and you miss it montages, dreams, and visions also don’t make sense on an initial viewing – Dracula 2000 should be viewed once for the tale, twice for the twists, and everything else thereafter is a giddy pleasure.  

Younger, contemporary audiences may not pick up on all the dated charm in Dracula 2000, but today’s generation can enjoy the indulgence of it all along with vampire viewers and fans of the cast. Keep Dracula 2000 for a goofy, brainless late night alone or for a mature Halloween party drinking game. It’s campy, cheesy, and of its time, but a blood sucking good occasion nonetheless.