Retro Sword & Sorcery Fun!

Retro Sword and Sorcery Fun!

by Kristin Battestella

Surprisingly well told tales, scantily clad ladies galore, or terribly juicy shlock – either way these vintage fantasy yarns provide some enchanting entertainment.

Erik the Conqueror – Epic music and coastal waves open this 1961 viking adventure directed by Mario Bava (Black Sunday) and starring Cameron Mitchell (How to Marry a Millionaire). Maps and scrolls hear tell of 786 A.D. Dorset invasions before longboats, bloodthirsty blonde giants, horses, axes, and village fires. Scottish rivals and coups against the British king separate the rescued viking sons, establishing the personal rivalries amid up close action and well choreographed sword fights. Although the long arrows, shields, crossbows, and costuming are probably inaccurate and the English audio and subtitles don't match, this is well filmed for its time and budget with red lighting, fiery forges, and tree motifs making the viking rituals wild and otherworldly. Festive dances to Odin by vestal virgins create pageantry – a touch of magic and fantastics contrasting the regal chorales, reverence, bright tunics, and trumpets of courtly England. The visuals parallel each brother's circumstances twenty years later with grand pink and gold interiors and wide overhead shots of the divine cathedral versus forbidden love and deadly tribunals as the vikings challenge one another in fights to the death to be the king's successor. Though apparent, the pagan and Christian conflicts don't beat the audience over the head, making room for the two fold man versus man, man versus nature, man versus himself layers alongside North Sea battles, onboard spies, and betrayals. Who's savage or civilized questions and nature versus nurture debates rise as the unknown to each other brothers switch locales, trade hostages, and swap babes amid seasonal feasts, daring escapes, and twin sisters. Sometimes the misunderstandings are bemusing – people wash ashore in exactly the right place or sail between the coasts with such ease yet the right pair can't quite both be in the right country at the same time. With all the open furs and bare chests, how has no one seen the brothers' matching tattoos? Fortunately, the tale becomes darker, intermixing its distinct worlds with green lit dungeons, spider booby traps, and evil villains making for some serious moments and dramatic twists. Rival rescues, castle raids, and a big battle finale keep what is actually a simple little story entertaining. The lively blend of historical, sword, and sandal does what it says on the tin with an extra touch of Bava panache.

Sorceress – Ye olde titles, epic music, torches, horses, and red hoods provide the fantasy atmosphere opening this 1982 romp directed by Jack Hill (Spider Baby) and produced by Roger Corman (House of Usher). Bad acting with clunky deliveries, poor dubbing of the laughable dialogue, and weird fantasy-ish names hamper the sacrifices to the gods, evil warlocks, and mystical old man in white before the usual celestial prophecies and enchanted infants growing up to exact warrior revenge for low budget village massacres and typical, unnecessary violence against women. Fortunately, there's barbarian action, women wearing inexplicable see through armor, and playmate twins Leigh and Lynette Harris skinny dipping before running in slow motion with their heroic theme and bemusing magical blue glow. Sure, they aren't doing a lot of the actual fighting thanks to sped up camerawork and compensating editing – despite the mystical girl power, their male pals come to the rescue, too. Also never mind that the ladies are supposedly disguised as men because clearly they are not, and likewise ignore any of the weak explanations on light versus dark magic, full moon rituals, and ancient temples. At only eighty-two minutes, there's no time to think on these fast moving, derivative quests complete with separation ambushes, evil princesses, fiery trials, and forbidden forests. Most of the precious little money here seems spent on the exotic bazaar with belly dancing, scoundrel princes, gambling, meddling hookers, and brothel brawls. Cruel sword slashes, arrows in the back, creepy red eyes, and horny beastly things stir up the saucy palace intrigue alongside magical green visuals, catacombs coming to life, and bewitching nectars. Twin connections, however, are able to overcome any deceptions or fire in their loins – the prince has the key to her “wonderful secret” but her moaning sister feels all the hot reactions! This could have been something if it had a proper production budget or a polished script, and not, you know, camp villains, monkey suits, or a convenient, borrowed, science fiction movie light show finale. These twin twists have fun with themselves, and if you don't expect anything, you can laugh at this late night, so bad it's good lark.

Split Decision

The Warrior and The Sorceress – Producer Roger Corman strikes again with this short seventy-seven minute 1984 tale starring David Carradine amid interstellar mercenaries, magic swordsmen, and rival clans. The flat print is VHS poor with low volumes contributing to the whispering olde speaketh meets eighties modern and mumbled made up names. The dawdling dialogue doesn't really get the story going, and already the ensemble seems so weary of the script they can't be bothered with the typical, thin premise of tyrants controlling water rights while poor villages suffer. Mountainous wastelands, bewitching babes wearing nothing but ribbons, mystical weapons, and suave hooded cloaks can't compensate for the cheap looking prehistoric walled city. This is taking place on another planet to excuse the abysmal, embarrassing production design, and the sword and sorcery meets Kung Fu knockoff tone makes this tough to watch. Fortunately, some of the aimless fighting can be fun, with Grasshopper chopping off arms and swiftly handling the jerky soldiers before the half naked dancing babes give him a bath at the well. The castle interiors are better, and fire, green lighting, red accents, and evil orgies create more magic atmosphere alongside poisoned supplies, gluttony, and vengeance. However, any kind of social commentary gets lost – most of the story seems to be missing amid muddled action scenes and meaningless mobs. Why is this devil may care warrior telling each side when it's their time to use the well? It's not mysterious if his angry scowling has no motivation; we don't know how this planet got this way or why. Terrible armor, lookalike dirty rag costuming, and crawling men captioned as “fools laughing maniacally” don't tell us much, and it takes half the picture before the too few and far between rescuing babes from dungeons, heroic music, reptiles, monsters, and a killer four breasted woman. Although this is disappointingly slow, dry, and lacking in personality, it could be a doze worthy midnight yarn if you like the campy and nonsensical.

Top Ten: Vincent Price!

 

Welcome to our new Top Tens series in celebration of I Think, Therefore I Review's Tenth Anniversary! These monthly lists will highlight special themes and topics from our extensive archive of reviews.

This time I Think, Therefore I Review presents in chronological order...

Our Top Ten Vincent Price Pictures!

House of Wax

House of Usher

The Pit and the Pendulum

The Comedy of Terrors

The Masque of the Red Death

Tomb of Ligeia

Dr. Goldfoot and the Bikini Machine

The Conqueror Worm

The Abominable Doctor Phibes

Theater of Blood

Please visit our Vincent Price tag, browse our Horror page, or check out or American International Pictures rundown for even more classic frights!

I Think, Therefore I Review began as the blog home for previously published reviews and reprinted critiques by horror author Kristin Battestella. Naturally older articles linked here may be out of date and codes or formatting may be broken. Please excuse any errors and remember our Top Tens will generally only include films, shows, books, or music previously reviewed at I Think, Therefore I Review.

Top Ten: Directors!

Welcome to our new Top Tens series in celebration of I Think, Therefore I Review's Tenth Anniversary! These monthly lists will highlight special themes and topics from our extensive archive of reviews.

This time I Think, Therefore I Review presents in alphabetical order...

Our Top Ten Directors!

Mario Bava

John Carpenter

Roger Corman

Wes Craven

David Cronenberg

Freddie Francis

Joseph Mankiewicz

George Romero

Billy Wilder

William Wyler

Please see our Movies page for even more Classic or Horror Directors listed by Genre or Decade! And don't worry if you don't see a famous name – there are more Top Tens to come all year long!

I Think, Therefore I Review began as the blog home for previously published reviews and reprinted critiques by horror author Kristin Battestella. Naturally older articles linked here may be out of date and codes or formatting may be broken. Please excuse any errors and remember our Top Tens will generally only include films, shows, books, or music previously reviewed at I Think, Therefore I Review. 

 

Quirky Documentary Subjects

Quirky Documentary Subjects

by Kristin Battestella

From drive-ins, Star Wars, and Halloween to Steampunk and vampires – these unique documentaries offer an eclectic niche of fun, alternative insights.

Going Attractions: The Definitive Story of the American Drive-In Movie – This 2013 hour and a half recalls the 5,000 strong fifties peak of the drive-in experience with nostalgic cartoons, vintage advertising, and old newsreels alongside producer Roger Corman, cinema historians, and theater owners recalling the glory days of neon lights, giant outdoor screens, and twenty five cent admission – not that folks didn't cheat on tickets by hiding in the trunk! Suburban expansion and cheap land or available open spaces made the post-war culture ripe for this kind of family movie going with kids in pajamas piled in the back of the station wagon. The double feature experience included playgrounds and concessions while schlock B pictures for necking teens helped the emerging independent film scene – low budget second rate films to fill these second rate theater showings. From simple wood construction and concrete or metal screens to speaker boxes hanging on the window, the rush to change film reels, and flammable projectors, technology wasn't always the drive-in's friend. The sixties loss of innocence and new X ratings led to a decline in the family-oriented as sex and violence onscreen led to a seedy, urban, and downtrodden reputation in the seventies. Everything from now banned DDT insecticide, Daylight Savings Time, and tornado or hurricane damage jeopardized drive-ins, and color television competition, gas shortages, smaller cars without bucket seats, and VCR popularity led to closures in the eighties. Before and after photos show dilapidated signs and abandoned marquees while prime real estate locations became shopping malls, and its quite intriguing to see our cultural changes paralleled with the rise and fall of the drive-in movies. Although there are sad moments and small preservation efforts – the drive-in in my hometown is one of less than 400 existing today – this well paced chronological flow does what it says in recalling the history as well as making one wonder why this private evening out in the comfort of your own vehicle ever fell out of mainstream favor. New repurposes as flea market spaces and church revivals keep the memories in our collective consciousness, and this pleasant retrospective is perfect for sentimental baby boomers or instantly streaming kids who can't fully comprehend this kind of cinema experience.

Plastic Galaxy: The Story of Star Wars Toys – As a former everything Star Wars enthusiast, this 2014 documentary is full of must see retro commercials, toy display tours, expert authors, long time collectors, and Kenner toy designers discussing the sentimental value, big business collecting, and industry changing staying power of Star Wars toys. The history of Kenner and the timing of the original Star Wars films combined for franchising that made room for imaginative play and interconnectivity in an era when you couldn't watch the movies on repeat but you could play with your toys. Such merchandising and licensing boons led to a hitherto unseen supply and demand of toy anticipation and specific timetables with their fair share of inevitable gaffs such as the infamous Boba Fett mail in offer, the Snaggletooth variant figures, unauthorized foreign releases, and empty box Early Bird Certificates. Difficulties with sounds, electronic parts, or unsafe moving pieces, however, inspired innovate thinking, and some goofy toy designs that didn't work are featured alongside rare prototypes, artwork, and detailed specifications from the film departments – not to mention the trouble in making lightsaber toys! While it's tough to fathom a time when merchandising wasn't part of a famous franchise, collect 'em all chase marketing and every tie-in imaginable kept pace with the blockbuster box office evolution, birthing today's Tickle Me Elmo fanaticism. Aging audiences and less Star Wars media after the Original Trilogy created a brief lull in merchandise and some revival misfires before the Special Editions, but the Prequels reinvigorated the vintage pursuit for parents and the next generation. Collecting Star Wars toys is both a nostalgic rekindling of childhood memories and an expensive collectible hobby made of pristine oddities and mint rarities, and this hour plus is a smorgasbord of unique treats and drippy humor recalling ye olde Star Wars playtime. I myself am guilty of building cheap versions of sets I didn't have, coordinating my play along with the Star Wars soundtrack cassettes, and not letting my nieces play with my AT-AT filled with loose storm troopers. Don't judge me. While this topic may be too nerdy and overly detailed to the layman or non-fan, it's interesting to see how one specific franchise gave rise to the now standard merchandising, marketing, and massive obsessions for, well, everything. Adults who were kids during Star Wars' infancy and parents who have fought over toys at Christmas will have a good time here. I want a room to display all my Star Wars stuff!

Vintages Tomorrows – This hour plus 2015 documentary details the fantasy, sub culture, and revisionist creativity of the anachronistic steampunk movement via interviews with authors, bloggers, craftsmen, and musicians. Convention panels and roundtable conversations help define this alternative Victorian history – a broad variety of retro futurism across art, fashion, literature, music, and all demographics. Discussions on the eighties steampunk emergence from cyberpunk, the anger of past underground styles, and the inclusiveness of counter culture movements are done without judgment. Maybe some are perceived as weird or extreme and live everyday life within their alternate personas or gadgetry, but the recent coming together of like minds at conventions and with social media encourages progressive ideals, new technology, and fresh reflections on the past rather than today's stagnant monotony. From early zines to current cosplay fashions and a mixing of retro pin up, Gothic, and Victorian flair; these hodgepodge ideas are broken down in chapters describing the steampunk aesthetics – spectacles, goggles, corsets – anchoring the notion of self expression through form and function. Introverts can express themselves in unique ways or a return to a previous modesty where making the clothes fit you rather than conforming to skimpy off the rack measures. At times the intercut talking heads editing can be too speedy or confusing, interfering with interesting people and whimsical visuals that can speak for themselves. This made by and for steampunk practitioners view may not be as objective on the pros and cons, either. However, several segments do discuss that steampunk is not a recreation of the past Victorian intolerance and oppression but a reclaiming of the positive without historic offenses – a chance to rectify past wrongs and embrace all communities. Catch-22 debates on top hats from Hot Topic fads overtaking the creative philosophies and reinvented craftsmanship are self aware alongside the irony of instant technology and social media bringing together a community that rebuffs virtual pretense in favor of do it yourself mastery and the hopeful ideology that science fiction can still become science fact instead of just post-apocalyptic gloom. For those embracing steampunk, it's an open minded rebellion in search of something better than contemporary convenience or complacency, so sit back and enjoy the unique whimsy here.

Tough Call

Halloween: Feast of the Dying Sun – This recent documentary hour intends to set the holiday straight with the Celtic origins of season, adding sunsets, cemeteries, Samhain bonfires, and end of the harvest celebrations to the spooky voiceover for heaps of atmosphere. From Scottish identity guessing games and the belief that the dead visit the living to trick or treating as beggars pleading door to door and souling for small cakes, tales of how our Halloween customs came together are detailed with banshees, hidden fairy lands, and ghost sightings. It's great to see Druid practices, pre-Tolkien fantasy ideals, and Victorian fairy beliefs rooted in daily culture rather than Halloween as we know it as October 31 and done. Brief reenactments add creepy alongside authoritative, folklorist interviews, but the campfire storytelling narrative is often too abstract, meandering from one spooky specter to another with only vague, basic minutes on Celtic arrivals in Britain, early sacrificial offerings, standing stones, and ancient sites. The facts jump from 4,000 year old yew trees to otherworldly portals and fairies capturing mortals for liberating dance rituals – crowding intriguing details on the special power of nine or magic number three and church absorption of pagan practices. The generic Celtic talk drifts away from Samhain specifically, as if today's generation needs hand holding explanations on witch hunts, the origins of bobbing for apples, and the medieval transition toward All Hallow's Eve and All Saints Day. The rough timeline tosses in New World changes, Victorian gothic literature, and horror cinema fodder as we both laud Halloween with parades and an American commercial revival yet continue to misconstrue witchcraft and occult hallmarks of the season. This can be spooky fun for folks who don't know a lot about the history of Halloween, however it will be too swift and superficial for expert viewers. It's easy to zone out thanks to the random storytelling style, and the intended pagan history would be better served with a longer or specific, multipart documentary. Except for some wanton fairy queen sexy talk, as is this is neat for a teen sleepover or party background where rather than attempted academic, the tall tales can be casual fun.

Skip It!

Nightfall: 100 Years of Vampire Films – The dry, redundant, trying to be cool narration of this 2010 hour opens with Twilight mania and vampire parodies before going back to historical inspirations and Stoker's 1897 Dracula bar. The fast moving flair spends only a minute or two on each subject, and skips other literary vampire sources in favor of continually repeating the vampire hype without actually presenting any. Hokey splices with vampire re-enactors compromise fine stills, artwork, and film clips while only one or two unintroduced interviewees briefly appear. Silent staples, The Vampyre, and pre-Hayes Code seductions get pushed aside for some kind of contemporary trailer as if they were using this documentary purely to promote somebody's new vampire film, and sidetracking statistics on how there are so many vampire books and movies actually omit more content than they present. Nosferatu and Bela Lugosi leap to quick sixties sexual mentions before going back to the Universal sequels and straying into irrelevant science fiction. All this documentary had to do was tell the facts in order, but Mexican horror like El Vampiro, the advent of fangs onscreen, and Hammer color fall prey to a mocking tone with more time spent on cheesy titles like Dracula: The Dirty Old Man and Disco Dracula. Vampires in television are never given a glance, and major films of the sixties and seventies like Blacula, The Vampire Lovers, and most of the Hammer series are blatantly ignored, leaving an erroneous, glossed over representation more akin to a padded school report. It's almost angering that My Son, The Vampire is mentioned over Anne Rice – the eighties and nineties are completely absent as if there were no such thing as Near Dark, The Lost Boys, or even Once Bitten and My Best Friend is a Vampire. Wikipedia is cited as the first source in the credits, and the trying to be hip stance that vampire films were in the dirt until recent millennial popularity really feels like it should be the other way around. This is clearly meant for younger audiences new to the vampire genre, but the poor presentation is terribly frustrating for well versed vampire fans.

Horror Documentaries, Again!

Horror Documentaries, Again!

By Kristin Battestella

Well I suppose we can’t watch horror all the time, so this is the next best thing – a whiff of askew non-fiction, horror informatives, and otherwise macabre programming to tide over our terrible little minds.

Biography: Stephen King – This 2000 television hour chronicling the best selling horror author details his quiet, poor early life in Maine, the abandonment of his father, awkward school years, and his initial love of reading, making primitive newsletters, and adoring horror movies. Although fans of the man himself probably feel this profile could have been longer – heck, just a full forty-five minutes of talking to King would be delightful – anyone who has delusions of grandeur about being an author can learn something here. Interviews with King, his wife Tabitha, and other family and friends keep the presentation from getting into the entertainment hyperbole style that so many of the more recent Biography episodes unfortunately offer – however some of the New England accents might be amusing or tough to distinguish for broader viewers. Thankfully, the natural, honest conversations and smooth narration focus on King’s efforts as a struggling young writer and family man, and it’s refreshing to see these behind the scenes difficulties discussed so candidly by the man we so often raise as the twisted and macabre industry standard. Newer King readers can have a thoughtful, pensive introduction here along with longtime horror audiences interested in the spooky King craft. 

Corman’s World: Exploits of a Hollywood Rebel – “By mistake he made a good picture every once in awhile,” a tearful Jack Nicholson sums up the campy but beloved tone of this 90 minutes plus with extras spotlight on Roger Corman featuring interviews with Martin Scorsese, Robert DeNiro, Ron Howard, Dick Miller, Joe Dante, Bruce Dern, Peter Fonda, Pam Grier, William Shatner, brother Gene Corman, and many more. Frank conversations on the cheap, trashy, tastelessness of Corman’s low budget style are counterbalanced with insights from the unassuming gentleman himself, and time is well spent on his early Hollywood dissatisfaction before becoming a one man movie making team for American International Pictures. Interesting retrospectives on the current outrageous blockbuster obsession and Corman’s under appreciated legacy also harken back to then radical perspectives about leaving the Golden Age studio system to develop the new wave of teen cinema and social commentaries thru lesser known, controversial work such as The Intruder and favorites like Easy Rider. There’s not a major horror focus here beyond mentions of the offbeat A Bucket of Blood and The Little Shop of Horrors or House of Usher and the success of the Price and Poe cycle, and exploitation film clips, language, nudity, gore, and LSD talk make this tough for a classroom viewing. Sadly, the references and politics of the time may also not be fully understood by today’s younger audience. However, film school aficionados and cult geeks will love seeing how many Hollywood stars and styles have a Corman independent film touch.

The Frankenstein Files: How Hollywood Created a Monster – Found on the 1931 Frankenstein video releases, this bemusing and self-referential 45 minutes begins with the Mary Shelley source and continues with the still standing film iconography. Interviews with Sara Karloff, film historians, and modern filmmakers discuss the early stage presentations, make up designs, difficulties in going from page to screen, and the long lasting sympathy of the monster and his childlike innocence. These scholars, family, and film friends have a lot to say and the presentation may seem too fast paced or all over the place to some – a little bit of everything including German expressionism, James Whale influences, clips from Gods and Monsters, Dwight Frye typecasting, and Karloff opinions is covered in the time here. Most of the time is also spent on the first Universal film before touching on Bride of Frankenstein and other sequels, the monster mash ups films, and Hammer retellings in the final ten minutes, but increasing plot implausibilities and film flaws are also frankly discussed. A lot of the material is second hand reminiscing, too. However, the anecdotes will be charming for horror fans and classic film lovers alike.

The Road to Dracula – The recently late Dracula co-star Carla Laemmle – niece of Universal head Carl Laemmle – hosts this half hour look at the Stoker phenomenon’s rise from page to screen. Film historians, museum curators, and interviews with Clive Barker, Bela Lugosi Jr, and Dwight Frye’s son anchor comparisons to the 1931 Spanish version of Dracula and clips of the Universal 1979 adaptation. Laemmle’s narration is understandably a bit wobbly and sprinkled with a few old lady saucy quips, but the wealth of insights shared is too much fun for a horror enthusiast. The discussion could certainly have been longer as well, with an all encompassing look at Dracula films and adaptations, but talk on Stoker’s genesis, silent film interpretations, Lugosi casting gold, and long lasting capes and widow’s peaks setting the vampire standards are more than enough to chew on here. Intimate, nostalgic insights accentuate the behind the scenes points, making this retrospective perfect for the classroom and horror or classic movie buffs.

An American International Pictures Rundown!

American International Pictures Delights!

By Kristin Battestella

We’ve discussed the glory of Hammer Films here at I Think, Therefore I Review as well as the joys of Amicus Productions and American International Pictures.  But when even we couldn’t find all our AIP essays, well, that meant it’s time for a handy list post. Here’s all our AIP treats all in one place!

 (Crazy Vincent Price invites you in...)

Phantom from 10,000 Leagues

The Screaming Skull

Attack of the Giant Leeches

A Bucket of Blood

The Amazing Transparent Man

Black Sunday

House of Usher

The Pit and the Pendulum

The Premature Burial

Burn Witch Burn

Tales of Terror

The Brain That Wouldn’t Die

The Raven

Dementia 13

The Terror

The Haunted Palace

The Comedy of Terrors

Black Sabbath

The Last Man on Earth

The Masque of the Red Death

The Tomb of Ligeia

Dr. Goldfoot and the Bikini Machine

Planet of the Vampires

Die Monster Die!

Dr. Goldfoot and the Girl Bombs

Queen of Blood

Circus of Fear

The Conqueror Worm

The Crimson Cult

The Oblong Box

Scream and Scream Again

The Dunwich Horror

The Bloody Judge

Count Yorga, Vampire!

Cry of the Banshee

The Vampire Lovers
Julius Caesar (1970)

Murders in the Rue Morgue

Tales from the Crypt

Baron Blood

The Abominable Dr. Phibes

Dr. Phibes Rises Again

Sisters

Madhouse
Deranged

At the Earth’s Core
The People That Time Forgot
The Island of Dr. Moreau (1977)
The Evictors 

The Amityville Horror

Saucy Science Fiction and Fantasy!

It’s Saucy Fantasy and Adventure Time!

By Leigh Wood

 

Be it science fiction, futuristic, fantasy, classic, camp, jungle, or pre-historic, these saucy romps are so bad its good glorious!

Barbarella –Producer Dino De Laurentiis (Conan the Barbarian) and director Roger Vadim’s (And God Created Woman) 1968 adaptation of Jean-Claude Forest’s comics immediately sets its camp sci-fi tone with a shiny, zero gravity, striptease and never looks back. The brassy sixties theme and score perfectly match the strangely tasteful nudity and fun fur ship interiors – although that has to be a bitch to clean! The bad SF designs, poor flying effects, ugly color, and psychedelic lighting are certainly dated, too. Awkward plastics, pleather get ups, and lots of tight tights further establish the kinky sex experimentation and whiff of bondage, lesbianism or fem-dom and liberation – toking up on “Essence of Man,” the Excessive Machine, and all that. I’m not really a Jane Fonda (Cat Ballou) fan, but surely she was very into personal grooming back in the day, for her costumes leave little else to the imagination. We don’t see all the sex glory, but it’s amazing the before and after saucy humor is delivered with such a straight face considering the preposterous technical dialogue and tongue in cheek tone. However, it is odd to have the feral kids, their ugly dolls, and the suggestive biting amid the juicy, and this kind of bad futuristic design is what gave the science fiction of the time a juvenile bad name. Poor editing and slow ass montages of bubblicious space travel and ridiculous skiing also hamper the bemusement. We get the generally pointless A to B adventures and excuses to have sex, but at 98 minutes, the lack of reason or rhythm from one scene to the next becomes overlong and tiresome. Fortunately, the goofy ship angles and wild filmmaking remain fun and mature audiences are fully aware of the viewing treats here. John Phillip Law (The Golden Voyage of Sinbad) has such nice…wings! Maybe one has to be stoned to appreciate what’s happening here – for while I can absolutely understand why its seventies re-releases raised its cult fame, I’ve never been quite sure what the heck is going on in this movie! I dare say kids can watch a television edit or the PG version purely for the hysterics and not perceive the innuendo or kinky overtone. Duran Duran anyone?

Barbarian Queen – Bad dialogue, anachronistic language, old speaketh names, Valley Girl style, and poor English sound set the campy mood for this boobalicious 1985 Roger Corman produced Amazon vengeance tale. An awkward opening rape and more sexual violence scenery make it somewhat tough to enjoy this film, and yet I dare say the torture scenes are bizarrely fun for bondage fans as are the woefully bad but brief gladiator fights. The rapacious, bodice-ripping titillation may be strange, but it is probably accurate for the Roman setting. Besides, it’s nice to see the nudity and gore instead of a kid friendly, magic filled fantasy and there are a few amusing brothel scenes and orgies, too. Granted, it would have been sexier to see the gals kick ass more, but the story isn’t that bad. It’s nothing new for sure, but there is some attempted character development and moments of sentiment with children and exiled villagers. Unfortunately, bad acting makes it tough to take the opening aggression or any dramatic turns seriously. The action and fighting move quickly and aren’t bad – in fact, they are well choreographed and edited – but small-scale designs and low budget toy swords keep the 70 minutes kitschy. The costumes are also eighties over the top colorful yet fittingly fantasy furs and sexy skimpy leather. What does it matter if you can’t always tell one annoying chick from the next? We don’t need the finite details on the big rebels versus bad guys finale, either. If we weren’t in the middle of a misguided, slo-mo, ridiculously CGI revival with poor fair such as the Conan reboot and Wrath of the Titans, I would say this deserves to be redone properly. Sadly, some audiences may also tune in now thanks to Lana Clarkson’s murder and the subsequent Phil Spector trials. This one may not do the genre any favors and shouldn’t be taken too seriously, but fans of the original Conan or The Beastmaster can enjoy this Showgirls sword and sorcery good time. 

Death Stalker – Clarkson bared more bod – I kid you not her costume is a cape and a g-string – in this previous 1983 Corman romp full of magical amulets, mystical swords, and drunken chalices. Bad dialogue, woeful names, and a confusing quests amid a tournament at the local evil wizard’s place compound the plot troubles here, and poor character motivation doesn’t help. The ripped Rick Hill (Today’s F.B.I.) only wants to fight, denies a request to rescue a princess, but then accepts this power trip instead. The back and forth riddles are tiresome and the titular hero doesn’t do much except bag some babes, however, that’s better than the nasty, lecherous pig cavemen having all the action. Everyone is so dirty and scantily clad that it’s tough to tell who or what is going on – although the early and often T n A, chicks in medieval hot tubs, chicks in cages, and mud wrestling dames make up the difference. Fun set pieces, an amazing amount of prehistoric g-strings, lots of horses, a warty witch, and an eyeball in a cauldron also accent the sacrificial orgies, near bestiality creatures, and voyeuristic cave troll turned horny old man. Though the music is often out of place – dramatic swells, comical tunes, or ethereal arias happen at the wrong times – and the magical aspects could have been better, voice actor Bernard Erhard makes for a would be intriguing villain. He turns one of his henchmen into playmate Barbi Benton! The fight scenes seem strangely slow and take too long when there’s no room to spare in this 76 minutes; by time we get to the warriors tournament, there’s little reason to care. Yet the thinly plotted, bemusingly so bad its good is like porn without the explicit sex. Is this about the quest, the tournament, or bagging as many babes as possible? Who cares? The magical something or other whatnot is corny for sure, but this remains quite the watchable adult fantasy. 

Sheena: Queen of the Jungle – Bond Girl, later day Charlie’s Angels star, and That 70’s Show mom Tanya Roberts has a good time in this shockingly PG 1984 comic book stretch. The well done opening fifteen minutes of jungle exploration and orphaned origins is actually played straight with no indication of the campy fun to come. Slow motion Tanya riding a zebra, however, quickly changes that! The mystical, sensual synthesizer music over the would-be serious action scenes are as out of place as the overlong slo-mo, and Roberts’ famously husky and sexy voice doesn’t match the near spiritual telepathic talk of the land or culture clash dialogue. Granted, she has an obligatory insipid romance and lots more silly stuff to do, but Roberts looks swinging on ropes strong and bareback riding capable. Besides, the main attraction here is her bemusing total exposures, if you get my meaning. The wild storyline is quite innocent and timeless, too, but unfortunately, the dated eighties designs, contemporary lingo, standard assassination ploys, and ruinous mining on the healing land plots detract from the exotic fun and ruin cool villainess France Zobda and classy Shaman Elizabeth of Toro. The cast is racially appropriate rather than white washed, but the coup-laden western-esque and corrupt Tigora kingdom versus the peaceful Zambouli tribe faux political story feels very poorly written considering the already delicate East Africa history. It’s not well acted or clearly developed, and the PG audience to whom this too long two hours was targeted wouldn’t care about these kinds of complexities anyway. The largely mother/daughter feminism does work well, and this should have been a straightforward good and evil origin story introducing the comic foil reporters to the jungle or a defending the earth against ruthless mining mercenaries tale. Though grainy photography and mixed wide and full screen formatting make some scenes look unusual, cool elephants, big cats, snakes, hippos, monkeys, and dynamite Kenya locations, grasslands, and sunsets add a delightful sense of wonder. Tribal nudity and some rituals or animal action may be too intense for small children, but kids can enjoy the innocent charm just as much as late night adults will skip to the saucy parts. I dare say I’d like another new Sheena if it could be done with a realistically strong chick, a hunky supporting guy, and no CGI.  Till then, it’s best not to let the actual story ruin the beauty here.

Tarzan: The Ape Man – John Phillip Law joins hunky Miles O’Keeffe (Waxwork) in this 1981 John Derek directed vehicle naturally focusing on his absolutely sexy and pretty to look at wife Bo Derek (10). We open with Edgar Rice Burroughs references and a fun MGM lion roaring Johnny Weismuller calls, but the narration is pointless and establishing travels over the lengthy credits make the Parker back story sooo slooowww. The camp tone, however, is apparent in Bo’s entrance, and the 1910/quasi eighties safari style and wispy white under things accent her delightful physique – as do those nude sunset swims and bathing montages. Antagonist Richard Harris (The Field) gets his junk about, too, but his fatherly scenes with Derek are too weird. The childlike conversation amid her rough hose down and naked tribal paint job is just…ew. While the role is in keeping with the slightly more mature written Tarzan themes – I’ve never understood why these books are classified as children’s material – it also reeks of erroneous white savior knows best for the primitive jungle and doesn’t work with the off on the wrong foot attention to Jane here. Derek is still a damsel in distress and looks too modern or old for this ingénue perspective, and the meandering pace, ridiculous slow motion, and cut away montage battle action takes half the movie to get to Tarzan. John Derek lingers on his own cinematography yet inserts out of place, wide-eyed up close Bo shots. You can have both female discovery and epic scope, but not when your husband is the director (awesome Ten Commandments Joshua though he is). Fortunately, beautiful landscapes, silhouetted frames, glistening water reflections, Sri Lanka locales, lion action, and snake squeezings detract from the stilted dialogue and Bo fan’s girling over Tarzan. She feels him up while he’s asleep and peels a banana while speculating on his virginity! I’m surprised there aren’t more saucy jungle movies – the erotic opportunities and loincloths seem rampant. Though the Burroughs estate understandably wants to keep the brand Disney friendly, O’Keeffe’s tiny loincloth doesn’t exactly fit and his beefcake is eighties laughable beneath that pre-requisite headband. With all the dry skin, wet skin, painted skin, tender love, and rough touching – what’s that orangutan doing? – this is as soft core as they come. Enjoy the bevy of gratuitous eye candy here, watch on mute, or skip to the naughty parts – this picture makes no sense otherwise.