Retro
Sword and Sorcery Fun!
by
Kristin Battestella
Surprisingly
well told tales, scantily clad ladies galore, or terribly juicy
shlock – either way these vintage fantasy yarns provide some
enchanting entertainment.
Erik the Conqueror – Epic
music and coastal waves open this 1961 viking adventure directed by
Mario Bava (Black Sunday)
and starring Cameron Mitchell (How to Marry a Millionaire).
Maps and scrolls hear tell of 786 A.D. Dorset invasions before
longboats, bloodthirsty blonde giants, horses, axes, and village
fires. Scottish rivals and coups against the British king separate
the rescued viking sons, establishing the personal rivalries amid up
close action and well choreographed sword fights. Although the long
arrows, shields, crossbows, and costuming are probably inaccurate and
the English audio and subtitles don't match, this is well filmed for
its time and budget with red lighting, fiery forges, and tree motifs
making the viking rituals wild and otherworldly. Festive dances to
Odin by vestal virgins create pageantry – a touch of magic and
fantastics contrasting the regal chorales, reverence, bright tunics,
and trumpets of courtly England. The visuals parallel each brother's
circumstances twenty years later with grand pink and gold interiors
and wide overhead shots of the divine cathedral versus forbidden love
and deadly tribunals as the vikings challenge one another in fights
to the death to be the king's successor. Though apparent, the pagan
and Christian conflicts don't beat the audience over the head, making
room for the two fold man versus man, man versus nature, man versus
himself layers alongside North Sea battles, onboard spies, and
betrayals. Who's savage or civilized questions and nature versus
nurture debates rise as the unknown to each other brothers switch
locales, trade hostages, and swap babes amid seasonal feasts, daring
escapes, and twin sisters. Sometimes the misunderstandings are
bemusing – people wash ashore in exactly the right place or sail
between the coasts with such ease yet the right pair can't quite both
be in the right country at the same time. With all the open furs and
bare chests, how has no one seen the brothers' matching tattoos?
Fortunately, the tale becomes darker, intermixing its distinct worlds
with green lit dungeons, spider booby traps, and evil villains making
for some serious moments and dramatic twists. Rival rescues, castle
raids, and a big battle finale keep what is actually a simple little
story entertaining. The lively blend of historical, sword, and sandal
does what it says on the tin with an extra touch of Bava panache.
Sorceress
–
Ye olde titles, epic music, torches, horses, and red hoods provide
the fantasy atmosphere opening this 1982
romp directed by Jack Hill (Spider Baby)
and produced by Roger Corman (House of Usher). Bad
acting with clunky deliveries, poor dubbing of the laughable
dialogue, and weird fantasy-ish names hamper the sacrifices to the
gods, evil warlocks, and mystical old man in white before the usual
celestial prophecies and enchanted infants growing up to exact
warrior revenge for low budget village massacres and typical,
unnecessary violence against women. Fortunately, there's barbarian
action, women wearing inexplicable see through armor, and
playmate twins Leigh and Lynette Harris skinny dipping before running
in slow motion with their heroic theme and bemusing magical blue
glow. Sure, they aren't doing a lot of the actual fighting thanks to
sped up camerawork and compensating editing – despite the mystical
girl power, their male pals come to the rescue, too. Also never mind
that the ladies are supposedly disguised as men because clearly they
are not, and likewise ignore any of the weak explanations on light
versus dark magic, full moon rituals, and ancient temples. At only
eighty-two minutes, there's no time to think on these fast moving,
derivative quests complete with separation ambushes, evil princesses,
fiery trials, and forbidden forests. Most of the precious little
money here seems spent on the exotic bazaar with belly dancing,
scoundrel princes, gambling, meddling hookers, and brothel brawls.
Cruel sword slashes, arrows in the back, creepy red eyes, and horny
beastly things stir up the saucy palace intrigue alongside magical
green visuals, catacombs coming to life, and bewitching nectars. Twin
connections, however, are able to overcome any deceptions or fire in
their loins – the prince has the key to her “wonderful secret”
but her moaning sister feels all the hot reactions! This could have
been something if it had a proper production budget or a polished
script, and not, you know, camp villains, monkey suits, or a
convenient, borrowed, science fiction movie light show finale. These
twin twists have fun with themselves, and if you don't expect
anything, you can laugh at this late night, so bad it's good lark.
Split
Decision
The Warrior and The Sorceress –
Producer Roger Corman strikes again with this short seventy-seven
minute 1984 tale starring David Carradine amid interstellar
mercenaries, magic swordsmen, and rival clans. The flat print is VHS
poor with low volumes contributing to the whispering olde speaketh
meets eighties modern and mumbled made up names. The dawdling
dialogue doesn't really get the story going, and already the ensemble
seems so weary of the script they can't be bothered with the typical,
thin premise of tyrants controlling water rights while poor villages
suffer. Mountainous wastelands, bewitching babes wearing nothing but
ribbons, mystical weapons, and suave hooded cloaks can't compensate
for the cheap looking prehistoric walled city. This is taking place
on another planet to excuse the abysmal, embarrassing production
design, and the sword and sorcery meets Kung
Fu knockoff tone makes this
tough to watch. Fortunately, some of the aimless fighting can be fun,
with Grasshopper chopping off arms and swiftly handling the jerky
soldiers before the half naked dancing babes give him a bath at the
well. The castle interiors are better, and fire, green lighting, red
accents, and evil orgies create more magic atmosphere alongside
poisoned supplies, gluttony, and vengeance. However, any kind of
social commentary gets lost – most of the story seems to be missing
amid muddled action scenes and meaningless mobs. Why is this devil
may care warrior telling each side when it's their time to use the
well? It's not mysterious if his angry scowling has no motivation; we
don't know how this planet got this way or why. Terrible armor,
lookalike dirty rag costuming, and crawling men captioned as “fools
laughing maniacally” don't tell us much, and it takes half the
picture before the too few and far between rescuing babes from
dungeons, heroic music, reptiles, monsters, and a killer four
breasted woman. Although this is disappointingly slow, dry, and
lacking in personality, it could be a doze worthy midnight yarn if
you like the campy and nonsensical.
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