Bad SF Action 🚀

 

Bad SF Action!

by Kristin Battestella

I caught these bad 1990s science fiction action romps late at night way down in the dearth of FAST live streaming because why not? I had the subtitles on and the volume low, which I suspect helps hide troublesome deliveries and bad crescendos, too. Despite terribly poor special effects that are dated and hokey even for such decades of yore, these pictures are bright and fast moving with a certain earnestness that still provides surprising entertainment.

Dead Space – Macho Marc Singer (V) and doctor Bryan Cranston (Breaking Bad) lead this 1991 Alien rip off oozing with nonsensical mutated viruses, junk metal comic relief robots, babes having steamy dreams in the middle of our monster outbreak disaster, and terribly obvious rubber puppetry of said monstrosity. The space shuttle action and laser battles cut so many production corners that they look like a DOS video game, and everyone running up and down the same space station corridor over and over again is bemusingly apparent. The dialogue is bad and the acting hokey with poor science and confusing story elements. I spotted this listing and tuned in for Singer, but this gets worse as the alien virus mutant thing gets bigger and kills more. Our heroes venture outside in preposterously perilous spacesuit action, yet I can't hate this goofy piece. Inexplicable moments made me laugh out loud. I smiled at The Beastmaster kicking faux monster butt, and the sideways ponytails on the babes took me back. This has very little merit beyond every laughable sci-fi cliché thrown at the screen, however I was entertained nonetheless.

Mercenary – Titular Hawk Olivier Gruner (Nemesis) must take vengeful but inexperienced mogul John Ritter (Three's Company) on a dangerous mission in this 1996 action adventure. Certainly, the weak dialogue matches the typical murdered wife angst and the expected reluctance of our capable bad ass to train the unprepared widower. However the cast is charming enough for us to stick with the grouchy good guys through the obvious betrayals, cliché set pieces, and of course, the eponymous training montages. This does get really hokey upon entering the villain's medieval castle lair as if we are suddenly in a different movie with rings of fire, killer animal chambers, and fight to the death challenges attempting to distract from what's actually a pretty easy end for the supposedly supreme baddie. Fortunately, explosions, gunfire, and hand to hand combat make for a fun escape. Equipment complaints and jokes about the wrong size shoes pepper jeep chases, helicopter shootouts, and on foot pursuits through various terrains as the mismatched heroes outsmart the mustache twirlers. Though some sequences are laughable, this was better than I expected it to be, and yes, I am game for the hitherto unavailable sequel Mercenary 2: Thick and Thin.

Velocity Trap – In some ways, if you've seen one low budget kick ass Olivier Gruner sci-fi movie, you've seen them all. Recognizable nineties faces including Ken Olant (Summer School), Jaason Simmons (Baywatch), Jorja Fox (Memento), and Yannick Bisson (does anybody else remember Hockey Night or High Tide?) also don some embarrassingly terrible futuristic armor and holster some seriously ludicrous weapons for this 1999 TV Movie. The space pirates hijack asteroids while cop Gruner romances his ex, who's trapped in a marital contract with a sleazy space mining tycoon. A double crossing shootout means our wrongfully punished space policeman is regulated to doing security on a ship carrying $40 billion in mining profits, and this packs a lots in its short time with everything from no ammo left in the gun humor and corny but creative space pirate battles. The requisite spaceship on the cheap reusable hallway for all the running to and fro is utilized to the max, and there's even a goofy montage of our good cop dancing in his long johns while the rest of the crew is in cryosleep. Naturally he has to beat the intruders at their own game with the help of a sassy babe before making off with the loot to rescue his woman, and I can't hate the bad ass fun no matter how nonsensical because everyone seems to be having such a good time.

I Didn't Like This as Much as I Did Then

Class of 1999 – Previously I loved my VHS of this 1990 too cool for school meets The Terminator parable. Unfortunately, the opening monologue recounting the excessive violence in American high schools is immediately awkward, and try hard dialogue, edgy music, leather jackets, and over the top eighties post-apocalyptic designs acerbate the confusing plot and corny punchlines. To curb the rampant lawlessness, Department of Educational Defense principal Malcolm McDowell (Cat People) tasks Stacy Keach's (Mike Hammer) Megatech robot Pam Grier (Jackie Brown) to discipline the reopened inner city school where violent events are said to happen every two hours yet no one steals anybody's unlocked, tricked out rides. These rebel youths responsible for the country's downfall are inexplicably still worried about their school attendance and being on time for class? Any analysis on the corrupt system winning while dead kids fall through the cracks is lost in messy night club riots and teens breaking into the teachers' secret WD-40 stash. The abundance of drugs is merely a plot point, and sexual violence is barely addressed even by the principal when his own daughter is assaulted. The teen murders are uncomfortable and depressing – it's tough to see fictitious violence that isn't as bad as contemporary mass shootings. The teacher droids do what they will, the scientists let it happen, and the ham-fisted gang boys become righteous friends as gym humiliations and our history bot comically spanking the ruffians in front of the assembly lead our students to take matters into their own hands. Rather than being a slick commentary with genre enjoyment, this ends up a heavy handed, contrived, overlong, full on Terminator rip off that's just not fun anymore.

Family Frights and Perils 2!

Family Frights and Perils, Second Story!

By Kristin Battestella

It's time for another round of families under siege as these recent chillers use ghosts, zombies, technology, and suspicious real estate to terrorize one and all.

Hidden – Andrea Riseborough (W.E.) and Alexander Skarsgard (True Blood) star in this 2015 parable from The Duffer Brothers (Stranger Things) beginning with dialogue in the dark before a single flame reveals a stark bunker with metal beds and a green, fall out patina. A doll, one vintage board game, a deck of cards, and a handmade periscope with distorted mirror glances of their chained closed manhole and the debris outside placate the daughter inside amid whispers of what's above and the family rules – never open the door, don't talk loud, and they must not lose control. Candles, canned food, and carving the days into the wall for math lessons reflect the functioning but frazzled underground routine. How do you raise a child in a bomb shelter? It's a miracle they have survived together this long, but they are losing weight, rats are in the food, and water is precious. After fires inside and materials lost, can they risk going to the surface? Some of the bonding time with positive Dad is somewhat saccharin, but Mom doubts this can be a home and not a prison, creating tension as they both assure their daughter comes first no matter what the cost. Fade ins mirror the darkness and suggest the passage of time while past details come as memories triggered by the current smoke and surface rumblings – outbreak flashbacks giving enough information to accent forward momentum rather than lingering long or coming as in your face dream flashes. Footsteps echoing above, an inopportune talking doll, and glowing eyes peering in hit home the fear as the family tells themselves to hold fast amid banging sounds and screaming used to chilling effect. The desperation to surface increases with tense panoramas, hectic running, and close calls once exposed with dangerous escapes, injuries, and sacrifices. Where can they run? Dark highways and siege attacks lead to a taut revelation on what's really happening as the destruction comes full circle. While not slow or boring thanks to the sense of danger and the innate understanding of what parents won't do for their child, this is a confined play with the claustrophobia felt. The well woven narrative never keeps us too far away from the shelter for too long, remaining trapped by the environment be it inside, outside, or the truth – and lies – we tell ourselves for survival. Though there probably isn't a lot of re-watch value and today it is nearly impossible to go into a picture like this cold, this is a bleak and emotional surprise.

House Hunting – A low priced, seventy acre foreclosure is too good to be true for two families in this 2013 mind bender starring Marc Singer (The Beastmaster). Rather than a scenic credits montage, the obligatory drive to the horrors is a claustrophobic car conversation between a young wife and the unheard step-daughter. Shrewd editing places the divided family each in their own frame, and our second trio also argues over a teen son on crutches and a grumpy dad rightfully asking what the catch is on this dream property with automated sales pitches in every room. Surprise accidents, hidden guns, tongues cut out, crazy people on the road, and disappearing figures in the woods pack seven different characters into the SUV, but all the country drives lead back to this house. What choice do they have but to stay inside by the ready fireplace? Flashlights, hooded shadows in the corners, just enough canned food for all – the families stick together in one room but cigarette smoking, hooting owls outside, and chills in the air add tense while a bloody ax and a straight razor foreshadow worse. The men take watches but one women wants to get to work on Monday while the other is almost happy to be there and clean the house. Can they wait for help to arrive? Instead of any transition, the screen simply moves to “One Month Later” with piled cans, smelly clothes, and nobody sleeping. Household papers reveal those responsible for the foreclosure are closer than they think, but they're trapped in this routine, strained by violent visions and hazy apparitions. Is it really ghosts or cabin fever? If one family stays, will the house let the others leave? Finger pointing, blame, and distrust mount amid suicides and new assaults. Of course, the metaphors on being trapped by one's own consequences and reliving past mistakes aren't super deep and the atmosphere falls apart in real world logic. Why does no one do what the real estate recordings say? Have they no pen or paper to recount events? Why don't they hunt for more food? This is a little weird with some trite points, unexplained red herrings, and an unclear frame – problems from a lone writer/director with no secondary eye to see the personal family connections through without changing the rules for the finale. Fortunately, the supernatural elements aren't flashy, in your face shocks, and the plain fade ins mirror the monotony, freeing the eerie to develop with meta jigsaw puzzles, doppelgangers, us versus them threats, injuries, and standoffs. Are they getting what they deserve? Will the house let them apologize and escape? The clues are there, but selfish bitterness and vengeance prevent one and all from seeing the answers. While slow for those expecting a formulaic slasher, this festival find remains unusual and thought provoking.

Split-Level

I.T. – Stock reports, public trading, jet setting apps, tech jargon, and mod homes spell doom for Pierce Brosnan (Goldeneye) and his modern family in this 2016 thriller. Mom Anna Friel (Timeline) wants everyone to have breakfast, their daughter in a stars and stripes bikini wants faster wi-fi, and self-made dad can't work the coffee machine, but the open, glass designs give buildings both personal and professional a Matrix style interface amid graphics or text messages onscreen and tricked out cars. We are accustomed to this technology, however, with screens on the wall and motion lights more relatable compared to expensive closets, high rise corporate meetings, big investors, and private aviation plans. Dad wants to move into the future but likes his privacy, and interesting conversations on technology, privacy, and opinion or what we must give or give away to obtain each are too brief. In the nineties when computer technology was emerging en masse, this kind of cyber thriller was common, and the green lightning, New Wave pop, and nightclub den contrasts the bright, streamline high society tech – mirroring the have and have not divide. Of course, the cliché hipster tech guy says all the right things, stalking and worming his way into this family unaware he is not included but just there to fix the internet. His crying over this misinterpreted social cue is a hammy excuse to tap into their cameras, and the parents of a seventeen year old girl are right to set boundaries on a creepy twenty-eight year old man – but how do you draw the line when one can infiltrate your home? Unfortunately, between the emo weak and solo rave fist pumping, the crazy enemy plotting is totally unnecessary. It would be much more frightening if the elite man had to sweat over his family, home, and business without knowing where this tech threat originates. Sprinklers on in the night, music blaring, and lights flashing come amid doctored paperwork, trade investigations, hefty aircraft hacks, and compromised medical records. It's impossible today to stop using computers or cell phones, and the played police disbelieve our family because the evidence is their own devices. Old school calling the cleaners, reducing physical footprints, and stealing thumb drives become an undercover race to erase, but the going off the grid response ultimately runs out of steam. This premise should be disturbingly timely, however contrived conveniences have authorities never looking at the jump drive evidence or following up at the family home – not to mention that saucy teen shower video filmed and distributed without the minor's consent is completely forgotten. The stormy, slow motion final standoff resorts to a hokey mano y mano physical confrontation rather than a shrewd tech answer, playing its hand early and falling apart instead of providing the audience with any real fear of subversive technology.

Skip the Basement!

The Open House – My husband watched this 2018 Netflix Original one morning without me and spent the rest of the day complaining about it. Who was the guy? Was he in the house the whole time? Why did the trailer play at something supernatural? What was the point of the crazy lady? What a stinky ending! Suffice to say he summed it all as thus: “I want my hour and a half back.” ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ 

Yet More 70s and 80s Horror!

More Horror from Decades Yore!

By Kristin Battestella

Low budget, bad, so bad they are good, or downright scary and entertaining – here’s a quick selection of good, bad, ugly, and macabre from those glorious seventies and eighties of yesteryear. 


 

Dracula (1979) – Frank Langella (Frost/Nixon) takes the Bram Stoker mantle for this update co-starring Laurence Olivier (hello) and Donald Pleasence (Halloween). The streamlined action gets right to it with the turbulent bound for London Demeter, and there are further changes from the 1924 play adaptation – including a Lucy Steward and Mina Van Helsing switcharoo. The howls, thunder, sound effects, and mood music by John Williams (Star Wars) match all the horror visuals, gore and ghouls, transfusions, transformations, chases, fog, and lightshow graphics perfectly.  Not the usual Victorian as expected, the costumes and early cars are an Edwardian treat, and it’s quite nifty to see the traditionally Transylvania happenings take place in Britain instead. Unfortunately, the drab, dark, and surprising not colorful picture might make viewers today dismiss this as old and cheap. I understand the antique black and white-esque designs director John Badham (Saturday Night Fever) was attempting – and the patina does look nice.  However, one expects a certain amount of grandeur with these otherwise wonderful art and set dressings.  Some scenes are too flat and plain when they should have visual depth and be treats for the eye. Thankfully, the action, scares, and a decrepit Carfax Abbey work. The camerawork is creepy, with hypnotic zooms and suspense editing, too. Also of the stage revival, Langella, ironically, has the least accent of anybody. The other Brit cast seems to have a put on classic RP, but his delivery isn’t the clichéd Velcome one may expect. The suave Langella commands your attention nonetheless, and unlike today’s all action or teen dream vamps, the romance and predator balance here is just right. His charisma and the adaptation twists keep us tuned in to whatever new sensuous but oh so wrong treats will unfold next. By contrast, the ill Olivier is somewhat off. It’s amusing to see such a classy actor do horror, yes, but he’s more Velcome put on than Dracula.  He reminds me of the Dracula: Dead and Loving It spoof! I wish there was a new blu-ray release with both this devoid and a colors galore version, and the changes here might displease traditional Stoker fans. Nevertheless, there’s still enough gothic, stylized, and fast-paced drama to make this one worth a gander.

Dolls (1987) – The demented little music and titular creepy, absently staring disembodied heads are immediately effective in this 1987 eerie from director Stuart Gordon (Re-Animator). The British style is also bemusing, with bad English punk chicks and yuppie Dynasty then-sophisticates creating a lovely little ensemble accented by askew filming angles and individual agendas.  I know it all seems corny and passé, but the suspiciously broken down car on stormy night outside a spooky manor with a creepy kid, peculiar old people, and a wicked toy or two premise and gothic atmosphere more than make up for any datedness. Great candlelight, maze like interiors, and antique décor forgives any bad effects and doll animations – which are actually quite good considering the era. The seemingly obvious killer dolls may be cliché, granted, however, the unseen camera perspectives and slow reveal on who or what is doing all the slice and dice violence keeps the suspense and scary just this side of campy. I can see how some of today’s drinking game horror audiences could find this wonderfully humorous, and some scenes are indeed funny and charming, yet the witty and freaky morals are balanced wonderfully. Some viewers may also feel this is merely a supersized Tales from the Crypt episode. After all, there have been similar anthology tellings – Tales from the Hood immediately comes to mind, but more recently Dead Silence and of course, Chucky. Fortunately, at only 77 minutes, the spooky pace and fearful timing are just right here.  

Prince of Darkness – Director John Carpenter reunites with Donald Pleasence (Halloween) and Victor Wong (Big Trouble in Little China) for this 1987 companion piece to The Thing and In the Mouth of Madness, and his pulsing score adds to the freaky atmosphere. Although some of the eighties hair, big mustache hipness, and thirty something college feeling has not stood the test of time, other old technologies and the abandoned church designs are nostalgia cool. The foreboding religious implications and science secrets are also a fine premise, but there’s not a lot of dialogue to start and perhaps too much time is taken to clarify all the metaphysical and theoretical backtalk. Unfortunately, the younger cast delivering the supposedly heavy or likeability is as stiff as their Aqua Net – the forced romancey or hip scenes drag down the picture. I can’t believe that’s Jameson Parker from Simon & Simon!  Rocker Alice Cooper, thankfully, is duly disturbing, and Carpenter has left a few Hammer references and hints to his other films amid the creepy crawlies, evil slime, and sinister symbolism.  There are a few good scare moments and a great ending to set off the underlying ominous, yet this one feels as if it should be better than it is thanks to the slow pace filled with too many characters and poor intercutting.  Even if this one isn’t quite up to what one expects from Carpenter, it’s still a fun watch for enthusiasts on a late night.  

Watchers – An adorable, super smart, pc using dog you can’t help but love and so wish you could have stars alongside Michael Ironside (Total Recall) and the late Corey Haim in this 1988 teen horror chase based partly on the Dean Kootz novel and produced by Roger Corman (The Pit and the Pendulum). Thanks to a secret government science experiment gone awry, an evil monster is on the loose, too, and the vintage news reports and huge old equipment are also fun to see. Although, wow, Haim’s hair is bad, the early make out session is stupid, and the dark farm scares are a little slow to start; the steady variety of kills, frantic mash ups, and point of view editing heighten the scary build. Our monster isn’t revealed with a big CGI panoramic swoop or needlessly cool graphics, and screams, sound effects, and growls add to the rural location fears. It’s nice to see an ungraded or color tweaked picture and the photography adds to the old scares. However, the dated fashions and presentation make this one seem more juvenile than it probably is – a pink wearing, mulleted Jason Priestly (Beverly Hills 90210) calling a computer class teacher a dweeb from atop his BMX, yeah. Likewise, it’s funny to see Haim talking to a dog, because we’ve see him break the fourth wall in classics like Dream a Little Dream and License to Drive sans four legged pals. Though Barbara Williams (Thief of Hearts) is woefully unbelievable and Ironside may seem hokey, he delivers his expected badass.  The writer’s strike and behind the scenes troubles are apparent in the iffy dialogue, but there’s enough twists and entertainment here and in the 1990 direct to video sequel starring Marc Singer and Tracy Scoggins for slightly older tweens or family horror nights.

Now Here’s a Skipper!

The Devil’s Rain – William Shatner, Ernest Borgnine, Tom Skerrit, Ida Lupino, and John Travolta star in this somewhat infamous 1975 horror clunker. Things begin well and good with creepy music, eerie paintings, and lots of moans and groans over the main credits. There are scary storms, fearful ladies, and the Satanist dilemma gets on its way quickly enough. Unfortunately, bad makeup begets seriously corny gore effects; the picture is often too dark, and the sound is poor. One might like to call this a horror western due to the setting, but the dusty middle of nowhere just looks old and cheap boonies seventies instead. Unnecessary camera shots of movement from one place to another and slow, confusing scenes where nothing happens don’t help, either. Snails pacing is not foreboding, and the iffy mystery at hand amounts to a lot of double talk and threats but no real explanation. Poor editing between the storylines, visions, and shock photography are literally little more than a flash in the pan in attempt to shake up what seems like a convoluted, overlong episode of a bad horror anthology.  The creepy rituals and black masses are perhaps too realistic, granted. However, segments that should be scary aren’t because the audience is too busy figuring out what the heck is going on.  Can I get an exposition, people! The Puritan flashback might have been more interesting as the whole movie, but otherwise, one should only tune in for the cast amusements. This is just too nonsensical for anything else.  

A Stephen King Viewing List

A Spooky Stephen King Marathon

By Kristin Battestella

For being such a horror buff, I’m not a fan of Stephen King and his books. Stranger still is that I really like films based on his torrid tales. As the macabre season nears, here’s a list of scary King shows to snuggle in with this Halloween.

Carrie- Yes we can all relate to the sheltered, special Sissy Spacek and her demented mother Piper Laurie-both ladies received Oscar nominations for their chilling performances. But its director Brian Depalma’s creepy look at the trauma of high school that stays with us. The gym shower, the prom, the pig’s blood, and an all star supporting cast keep this 1976 flick worthy. Forget any sequels or remakes here.

Christine- The dream of a hot rod gone horribly awry! There are a few past names here-and the film is sometimes billed under director John Carpenter’s clout-but the 1958 Plymouth is the star here. You can still enjoy these creepy car deaths today, and the early eighties motifs and fifties sentimentalities add to the scary nostalgia.

Salem’s Lot (s) - Both the 1979 release from Tobe Hooper and the quickie 2004 version starring Rob Lowe suffice for a night of vampires run amok in a supposedly safe New England inlet. If you’re looking for goth, glamorous vampires-they’re not here; but freaky, old fashioned suspense always works. Comparing both versions back to back might also be fun. Do however skip the useless sequel Return to Salem’s Lot.

The Shining- The recent miniseries adaptation isn’t bad, but you know I’m talking about Stanley Kubrick and Jack Nicholson’s crazy writer stranded at the isolated, snowbound Overlook Hotel. I get tired of all King’s writer protagonists and their hang-ups, but Nicholson owns the alcoholic Jack Torrance and all his drama. Say it with me now, ‘All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.’

Silver Bullet- Ah, a wheelchair bound Corey Haim insists there’s a werewolf in town but no one believes him! A well-rounded cast and scary wolf mysteries make you jump in your seat the first time you see this one. Several memorable, frightening scenes here still stick with me 25 years later. Younger audiences might be too frightened-but it’s only a movie, isn’t it?

Pet Semetary- Who hasn’t lost a pet or a loved one and wouldn’t do anything to bring them back? Another simple life truth askewed delightfully into freaky charm and horror. The cast here is small but memorable-Dale Midkiff as the desperate father and Fred Gwynne as the wise old neighbor who meets a very bizarre end. And the baby, well, he’s just so dang cute and disturbing at the same time! This is another one that might be too disturbing and confusing for super young ones.

Misery- James Caan and Oscar winner Kathy Bates are exceptional as a wounded writer and the obsessive fan who’ll do anything to keep him writing what she likes best. Another one memorable and disturbing in its simplicity; the gut wrenching thought of an entire manuscript on the barbeque, the masterfully painful two by four scenes, ouch! Known more for his charming comedies and dramas, Rob Reiner spins the creepy human elements here wonderfully.

Sleepwalkers- Often frowned upon as one of the weaker King pictures; I like Brian Krause and Alice Krige as the freaky mother and son cat people lusting after young meat. It’s bizarre, sexy, gory, and all those cats are really creepy! Maybe the effects aren’t exceptional now, but the cat morphing and slick score add some extra scary spice.

Children of the Corn- This original isn’t the best, and the entire series is fairly lowbrow in plot and effects. Nevertheless, all those rustling cornfields, creepy kids, and plant worship go a long way for a Halloween Harvest marathon. Name players come and go despite the low-budget status; and even if you’ve never actually seen all-count ‘em-seven films, you’ve probably heard of ‘He who walks behind the rows.’ I prefer Children of the Corn III: Urban Harvest myself. And to think, I grew up on a farm.

Thinner- After killing a gypsy woman with his car, Robert John Burke is cursed to waste away just by the gypsy king’s touch upon his face. The gypsy plots are a bit stereotypical, yes; but this plays into our fears about what creepy curses they might be capable of. The social analysis of weight, dieting, and such stereotypes are all here, along with the freaky deterioration of body, soul, and self. I guess guilt and food do go together.

Rose Red / Diary of Ellen Rimbauer- If Rose Red were a King novel instead of a miniseries original, I might actually read it. This lengthy analysis of the haunted house, ghosts, greed, parapsychology, and telekinesis develops all its effects, scares, and talent fully. Nancy Travis, Julian Sands, and Emily Deschanel are delightfully creepy here. The prequel telefilm Diary of Ellen Rimbauer fills in King’s back-story, but it’s not as scary or in depth as its preceding sequel. Despite its period piece explanations and charming cast, I’d spend the day with Rose Red first.

Secret Window- A little obvious toward the end, yes, but Johnny Depp fans can enjoy this creepy thriller about an unreliable narrator writer shacked up in the woods with a freaky John Turturro pursuing him over a plagiarized story. There’s nothing super new here, but this one’s creepy and violent enough for a scare or two.

The Beastmaster

What’s Not To Like in The Beastmaster?

By Kristin Battestella

 

It spawned two sequels and a syndicated television series, but according to mainstream audiences 1982’s The Beastmaster is nothing more than bad sword and sorcery and soft core drivel. I digress!

Before his royal parents are attacked by Maax (Rip Torn), Dar is magically transferred from his mother’s womb and then birthed from a cow by Maax’s witch. Maax fears the prophecy that he will die by the hand of King Zed’s (Rod Loomis) unborn son and wishes the child dead, but an old man (John Hammer) rescues the baby before he can be sacrificed. Dar (Marc Singer) is raised in a poor village, keeping his unique power to communicate with animals a secret. When his village is destroyed by the Juns-the warrior allies of Maax.-Dar vows vengeance. He journeys to Maax’s dark kingdom with the help of warrior Seth (John Amos), heir apparent Tal (Josh Milrad), slave girl Kiri (Tanya Roberts) and his animal guides- a panther, an eagle, and two ferrets. Together they will restore Zed and save his kingdom.

Rip Torn is so creepy cool as Maax. He has braids with skulls along with priests that regularly hang themselves if asked. And, he sacrifices children, too. We’re given the fanciful extremes, but we all know crooked power creeps like this who need to get their due. This was an A line cast back in the day, although Singer’s voice is a bit too modern in the beginning of the film. I suppose with such weak dialogue it matters not, but Roberts’ lines have plenty of marshmallow and double entrées to them. Once the scene is set, however, the old time speak finds its rhythm.

Josh Milrad as Tal is your usual early eighties boy fare, but John Amos’ Seth adds warrior wit, wise words, and a touch of humor to The Beastmaster. Maybe it wasn’t meant to be funny, but a big black man kicking ass and taking names while wearing some ancient BSDM gear just begs to be MST3Ked! At least Amos (Good Times, The West Wing) looks to be having fun with the role.

Oh by gosh by golly, it’s time for Tanya Roberts’ body. Also known as Oh by gosh by jingle, its time for Tanya Roberts to wiggle. Either way you see it, you do see it. I may hold lots of films or actors to a very high standard, so this may sound strange, but I like Tanya Roberts. From Charlie’s Angels, Sheena, A View to A Kill, and That’s 70s Show; I like her New York sassy, sexy, campy yet tough chick. I’m sure a lot of guys my age grew up on her soft core material. Ratings were different in 1982, and the non sexual bits (though bits nonetheless) rated PG then would definitely garner more hefty ratings today. The red headed Kiri has three boob and four possible muff shots, along with another two randomly topless chicks in the film-statistics for those that like that sort of thing. You also have to wonder about the toss away line that Kiri is Tal’s cousin, and therefore also Dar’s cousin. Kinky!

Fortunately for female fans of pre history beefcake, we also get almost the whole bean from the incredibly buff Marc Singer. After seeing The Beastmaster, I was always amazed that Singer’s jeans and jacket didn’t rip off during V and Dallas. As buff as the hotties are today, Dar gives them all a run for the money in his itsy bitsy loin cloth and leather band aids. There’s the obligatory sweaty barbarian training montages in real time and slow motion to match Singer’s eighties hair cut-along with some tears from the big man.

(On a really useless note, I’ve never been able to confirm which witch woman is wife of Wayne Gretzky and sometimes actress Janet Jones. As a die hard hockey fan, this has always bugged me.)

Now that the naughty bits are out of the way, the thin set up of The Beastmaster comes through. Writer and director Don Coscarelli (Phantasm) and co writer Paul Pepperman establish the situations early with the opening scenes and set ups, but the magic and relationships and whatnot become a little confusing each time the quest is repeated. The locales are thankfully beautiful, covering up any slim story. Unfortunately most of the film is too dark. The video quality was poor then, and the digital transfer only helps a touch. The darkness and torches are cool though, authentic somehow. They didn’t have fancy lights before time you know.

Folks who caught The Beastmaster ad nauseum on TBS and other late night reruns are, however, used to bad cuts and commercials. So what if the magical elements and brief special effects are weak and the lighting is bad? The climatic battle between Dar and the Jun horde is well lit by firelight and choreographed and paced expertly. For a freak who talks to animals, Dar and his friends don’t do too bad.

The animals are great, too. I must admit. I can’t tell them apart, but the cute and cunning Kodo and Podo made me want ferrets growing up. You wouldn’t think they could help much, but these little guys are quite significant. The roars of the panther-really a tiger painted black-his action scenes, and his big cat loveableness almost make the show. As I kid of course I tried to imitate Dar’s call for his eagle Sharak, but now it is one if the hokiest things about The Beastmaster. At least the film takes the time to set up all the animal circumstances, powers, and personalities. Today it would probably be done in the quick prologue of a ninety minute kid’s fantasy if at all.

The score from Emmy Winner Lee Holdridge (Mists of Avalon) is one of the highlights for The Beastmaster. It’s a great classical composition, with all the soft somber parts and bombing crescendos in the right places. It compliments the scenery and action while rousing up images of long lost times, heroes, and places. Sometimes I watch The Beastmaster just because I like the music.

 

Fans of the fantasy genre and its sword and sorcery subset can watch anything-from the woeful Krull to Willow. The greats are indeed fewer and far between than the ill and low budget. (Dare me to review Red Sonja. I own the DVD!) Can you name me a truly stellar strictly sword and sorcery film? I had to laugh when I Love the 80s pitted The Beastmaster versus Conan. On strength, looks, sidekicks, and babes who would win? It’s a tough, but amusing call.

I don’t understand these Beastmaster and the like naysayers. Can’t we accept an attempt an some cool fantasy and mystical folks? I don’t understand viewers who complain that the Cyclops and the Medusa from Clash of The Titans look stupid or that the Ray Harryhausen effects from other classics like The 7^th Voyage of Sinbad no longer work. Hogwash. It’s a fantasy movie, sit down and enjoy while you can. Great fights, heroic themes, cake for everyone. What’s not to like?

The Special Edition DVD appears out of print, but for the die hard fans, the documentaries and commentaries are necessary. The standard DVD is also tough to find, but affordable and again worth it for behind the scenes treats and the uncut 118 minute film.

So The Beastmaster isn’t perfect, but it’s a campy, entertaining, fanciful ride. Perhaps tame enough today for tweens and up, fans of old can indulge themselves again or attempt to inspire the next generation into liking eighties sword and sorcery B flicks. It could happen!

V: The Original Miniseries

Original V a Must for Genre Fans

By Kristin Battestella

Originally posted with Creative Singularity and Flames Rising

Need some old-fashioned special effects in your sc-fi? Forget that opus opening to Independence Day, today’s genre filmmakers grew up V. The groundbreaking four hour 1983 miniseries may look hokey today, but the story, characters, and drama are top-notch. The all-star cast helps, too.

When humanlike aliens arrived on earth, cameraman Mike Donovan (Marc Singer) suspects the visitors aren’t all they seem. Scientists who can expose these visitors disappear one by one. Politicians against the visitors abruptly change their minds , and entire towns and communities mysteriously disappear- including Donovan’s ex-wife and son.

Medical student Juliet Parrish (Faye Grant) holds secret meetings with a dwindling number of resistant Los Angelians, including streetwise Elias (Michael Wright), and Michael Durrell’s Robert Maxwell, an anthropologist trying to hide his family. Of course his teenage daughter Robin falls in love with a handsome visitor. Jane Badler shines as creepy Visitor leader Diana, who has other plans for the star crossed lovers. Blair Tefkin accepted the role of Robin after Dominique Dunn was murdered by her boyfriend early on in filming. The outstanding DVD commentary highlights several shots were footage of Dunn is still in the show.

Writer and director Kenneth Johnson made V as a tribute to freedom fighters from all times and places. Nazi allegories and Holocaust moments give V extra timelessness that is often lost in today’s fast-paced action flicks. Young Michael (David Packer) joins a Hitler Youth-like Visitor Friends organization, despite his grandfather Abraham’s (Leonardo Cimino) warnings of Visitor occupation being like the Holocaust all over again. When Donovan sneaks aboard the Visitor’s Mother Ship and attempts to reveal their true reptilian nature, his own mother (Neva Patterson) sides with the powerful Visitors against him. Nightmare on Elm Street fans should also look for Robert Englund as good, non-human eating Visitor Willie.

Johnson expertly weaves the parallel storylines together into one cohesive end. When the epic originally aired on NBC, V was a complete success in the ratings and earned two Emmy nominations, as well as a Writer’s Guild nom for Johnson. Kenneth Johnson, however, left the later series over creative differences and instead penned another SF television classic, Alien Nation. Unfortunately, Johnson’s revival V: The Second Generation appears to be in limbo at NBC.

Followed in 1984 by the six hour V: The Final Battle and a lesser, 19 episode V The Complete Television Series, the original V is a must-have for fans of sociological science fiction.

All three series are available now on DVD.