Thanksgiving & Don't Say a Word - Jay Days Video Review

 

I'm so grateful to be appearing again on The Jay Days YouTube Channel with @jaylan_88 - and not just because it's Thanksgiving! 

We discuss Thanksgiving films and the 2001 film Don't Say a Word as well as the pros and cons of the current awards season. I'm also carving a pumpkin the entire time, just to keep the holiday chat interesting! 🦃🎃🤣

Since I've made several guest videos on The Jay Days, I've created a YouTube Playlist where you can see all my reviews with Jaylan. Stay tuned for more, too! 

DMs are still open for film and podcast contacts on Twitter, however I am much happier posting on Blue Sky. Critical and creative writing has been difficult to finish this month, but you can join in the film catharsis with the Women InSession Podcast at InSession Film! 

More Video Reviews: 

Guy Pearce Villains

Halloween & Horror TV

The Convert

Harvest Haunts to See and Skip

Harvest Haunts and More

By Kristin Battestella

Since it’s never too early to start watching spooky movies in the Halloween spirit, here’s a list of what to snuggle up with this autumn and what to avoid like cemeteries at midnight-unless you’re into that sort of thing, of course.

See

House of Usher (2006) - For a classic horror fan, little can compare to the 1960 Corman staple House of Usher.  New interest in all things Poe has however brought new remakes and takes on his macabre tales, and believe it or not, this 2006 The House of Usher wasn’t that bad. There are some good plot differences from director Hayley Cloake (Tease, Thump).   It’s creepy, yet sexy thanks to stars Izabella Miko (Coyote Ugly, Clash of the Titans) and Austin Nichols (One Tree Hill, Friday Night Lights). Beth Grant (Delta, Speed, Rock Star, Donnie Darko) as the scene stealing Nurse Thatcher also adds to the suggestion, eerie styles, and gothic feel. It’s modern and updated, yet old school and in the spirit of Poe.  Now it’s on to the fancy 3D adaptation!

Tales from the Crypt (1972) – This precursor to the anthology series has five star-studded vignettes, including a disturbing Christmas scene with Joan Collins (Dynasty) and Ian Hendry (The Avengers) in a dangerous adulterous getaway.  Peter Cushing (Star Wars, The Horror of Dracula), creepy crypt keeper Ralph Richardson (Time Bandits), Robin Hood Richard Greene, and Patrick Macgee (A Clockwork Orange) delight as well. Unlike today’s effects over-fest, director and Oscar winner Freddie Francis (Glory, The Elephant Man) keeps things largely silent, letting the creepy catacombs and twisted tales build up and progress on their mystery, suggestion, and scares. Yes there are a few jump worthy moments, and the dated seventies style only adds to the spooky atmosphere.  Perhaps there’s not a lot of rewatch value, but stick this one in amid your favorite Halloween anthology series for some old school scares. 

The Uninvited (1944) – Future Oscar winner Ray Milland (The Lost Weekend) and Nominee Ruth Hussey (The Philadelphia Story) delight in this quintessential black and white spookfest from director Lewis Allen (Bonanza, The Unseen).  Somehow, I feel this one is now unloved by the modern audience-especially in light of the also named but unrelated 2009 The Uninvited, itself a remake of a 2003 Asian horror flick.  No confusion here, however, thanks to the Oscar nominated cinematography.  The positive and negative use of candles, scary moaning, groaning sounds-the simple smoke and mirrors of early film production does wonders.  In addition to all the mood, atmosphere, and suspense, the young and tragic Gail Russell (Angel and the Badman) is as charming as Cornelia Otis Skinner (The Girl in the Red Velvet Swing) is creepy and subliminally kinky. Without thinking, I erased this one from my DVR; and since it’s not available on DVD, I’ve been kicking myself since. 

Wolf – Though this 1994 lycan tale from Oscar winning director Mike Nichols (The Graduate, Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf, Silkwood) is imperfect with its fair share of plot holes and unanswered questions, I like it.  Face it; this is the best, if not the only, mature wolf movie around.  Thanks to the sarcastic and witty performances by Jack Nicholson (One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest, Chinatown, The Shining) and the rest of the all-star cast, Wolf smartly doesn’t take itself too seriously.  The beguiling Michelle Pfeiffer (Scarface, The Fabulous Baker Boys), a wonderfully disturbing James Spader (sex, lives, and videotape, Boston Legal), the charming Christopher Plummer (The Sound of Music, The Moneychangers), and plenty more on form supporting players are allowed to have their fun.  These are all great, big names one wouldn’t usually see in any old horror movie, either.  There’s even a good bit of scares and kinky violence here-especially on an initial viewing.  Some of the effects are hokey now, but others are very well done with fine spooky build-ups.  Despite plotting faults and a little confusion, there’s more good than bad in Wolf.  Multiple viewings are even in order to catch all of the subliminal suggestions.

Split

The Amityville Horror (1979) – The horror, scares, and fright fest from director Stuart Rosenberg (Cool Hand Luke) are all still there, and I love it.  Even the old looks and seventies styles aren’t so dated, just more nostalgic and period now.  However, it seems like out of all the other numerous sequels and direct to video drivel that follows, this original starring the fine Margot Kidder (Superman) and eerily on form James Brolin (Westworld) is too close to the real life circumstances that started the franchise.  Was this independent blockbuster made purely to capitalize on the scandalous book that was in turn highlighting the sketchy true story that started it all? Separate the supposed paranormal facts or hoax talk from the behind the scenes, and then you can enjoy this fine demonic haunted house in all its glory.  Likewise, we favorably reviewed the 2005 remake.  Again, take away the talk of Indian burial grounds and just scare us silly and we’re a okay. 

Haunted – Aidan Quinn (Legends of the Fall) and Kate Beckinsale (Underworld) shine in director Lewis Gilbert’s (The Spy Who Loved Me) great English locales and post World War I period piece decoration and styles.  There are plenty of fine but disturbing performances from Anthony Andrews (The Scarlet Pimpernel) and Sir John Gieland (Becket), too. Haunted has its share of creepy and kinky- both good and bad by design, nasty stuff.  Beckinsale fans will love to hate spotting her nude body double, too.  There are even a few genuine spooks and scares and though obvious throughout, the film is entertaining for the most part.  However, there simply aren’t enough scares for what’s supposed to be a good old haunted house ghost story.  There’s no mood and things are not as atmospheric as they should be.  Despite the lovely cast and wonderful locations, it’s as though we’ve seen this all before- namely in The Others.

Rogue -   This 2007 crocodile thriller has a great premise and fine acting from Radha Mitchell (Pitch Black) and Michael Vartan (Alias). Sam Worthington (Avatar) fans (of which I am not) will enjoy seeing his jerky performance, too. Writer and director Greg McLean (Wolf Creek) adds a tight, contained, ticking clock to the lush, exotic, and foreign cinematography.  The audience is hooked as things turn dark and dangerous- the issues among the stranded and perilous ship‘s crew build as our crocodile gets his chance in the spotlight. Its man against himself, man against nature, and man against man all in one- the tide is rising and time is running out!  And then….well, the silly and stupefied ending here kind of undoes all the goodness.  The viewer is asked to suspend belief one too many times for too preposterous an outcome.  Is the overall goodness worth the ill-conceived conclusion or does the finale undo all?

Skip

The Descent – Okay, so I don’t really know who the girls in this 2005 spelunking adventure are- but they are not the problem.  A stereotypical yet somehow refreshing group, yes, but the individualism and back-stories are acceptable enough. I suspect there’s plenty of ogle and subtext value for interested audiences, too.  The caves are also creepy and this is a dangerous sport after all- so why did director Neil Marshall (Dog Soldiers) have to resort to glowing cave mutants?  There’s enough internal strife and issues to mix in with the peril of falling rocks, being trapped or injured, and all that unknown caving.  Let our gals go bad and have their own hysteria do them in; we could still have a serious horror movie without rock people. Most of this film gets it right, but the deus ex machina of the creepy crawlies and open ending for the sequel tire the positive strides.   

Hide and Seek - Even Robert DeNiro (Casino) and Dakota Fanning’s (Man on Fire) battle of wits can’t save this familial thriller. Toss in Famke Janssen (X-Men) and Elisabeth Shue (Leaving Las Vegas) and we’ve still got the same old, same old suggestive psychological thriller. It’s tragic wasting such a fine cast on this supposedly scary evil imaginary friend but there’s a twist yadda yadda story. They couldn’t even decide on an ending here- there are count ‘em five on the DVD!

GoldenEye

GoldenEye One of the Best Bond Pictures

By Kristin Battestella

Even though I liked Timothy Dalton’s duo of Bond pictures in the late eighties, I had all but forgotten about 007 by time 1995’s GoldenEye came around. After a six-year delay, Pierce Brosnan finally debuted as our man James, resulting in one of the finest films in nearly fifty years of Bond onscreen.

Ten years after 007 James Bond (Brosnan) loses his friend and fellow MI6 agent 006 Alec Trevelyan (Sean Bean) during a mission in Russia, Bond once again finds himself in the former Soviet Union. The control keys to a powerful satellite codenamed GoldenEye have been stolen, and a reluctant M (Judi Dench) puts Bond on the case. 007 rescues Russian computer analyst Natalya Simonova (Izabella Scorupco) and uses the kinky Soviet pilot Xenia Onatopp (Famke Janssen) to find Janus-the crime syndicate secretly operated by the scarred Alec Trevelyan. Bond must stop his former comrade from using GoldenEye’s electromagnetic pulse to steal millions and decimate England’s infrastructure.

When the press about GoldenEye began in 1994, I wasn’t very interested. After License to Kill, I was hoping for another Dalton picture. Sure, I like Pierce Brosnan, but I knew and loved him in the television show Remington Steele and in some ways still prefer his role there to his Bond. After GoldenEye, Brosnan’s tenure slowly moves downhill. By time we get to his fourth picture Die Another Day, Brosnan is a smirky, quipping parody. Here, however, Brosnan adds another dimension to Bond. He’s almost the perfect blend between his predecessors. Brosnan has the dark edge of Dalton, the humor of Moore, and the strength and suave of Connery. GoldenEye isn’t a pure action and gadget vehicle thanks to Brosnan. His 007 has history and issues-grudges from the past and a current world that has no need for old time spies. Through his swagger, smarts, and style, we believe Brosnan’s Bond can endure the past, present, and future. Of course, this James isn’t all dark and dreary. Brosnan’s mannerisms and vocal delivery add just the right touch of humor and wit. It’s really a shame that half of his reign is cheap. These young folks that grew up on Brosnan’s Jimmy have the best bits of the franchise- and yet some of the worst. Still, after another viewing of GoldenEye, I can forgive Brosnan The World Is Not Enough and Die Another Day. His debut is that good.

Not only do we have a fine 007, but GoldenEye also has the extra bonus of Sean Bean (Patriot Games, Sharpe) as former MI6 Agent 006 Alec Trevelyan. In the film’s opening sequence, we meet this pair of agents infiltrating a hidden Russian base. It may seem silly, but this duo is one of the franchise’s best notions. As a kid, I didn’t care about plot references to 002 or 009; I thought James Bond was THE one and only big man in Her Majesty’s Secret Service. The fact that there are really badass agents like 006 out there brings new cool to GoldenEye. So, MI6 has skeletons in the closet, eh? Things aren’t always as cut and dry as previous Bonds would have us think, are they? Bean begins the picture as a cool and tragic agent too close to the edge and becomes the bane of Bond’s existence. Sometimes we like a Bond picture purely for the villain, and Bean delivers one of the series’ slickest and most memorable bad guys.

006 has all the charm, suave, gadgets, and babes as 007-what’s not to love? The fact that he is blonde and bad against dark haired, good guy Bond is also a subtle visual trick against our ‘black hat’ bad cowboy motifs. Once upon a time, we can believe Trevelyan was a good guy. 006 has some great lines in GoldenEye; he tends to get the last word on Bond, and his punch lines are dry and memorable. I’m sure there are other instances in the franchise, but his ‘Bond. Only Bond’ is as close to 007’s famous introduction as one can get. It’s not just the cheeky script, but Bean’s slick delivery that make 006 so bad it’s good. We believe Sean Bean could have been Bond, and as he says, ‘I was always better!’ We’re supposed to root for Bond, but Bean doesn’t make it easy. I wish it were possible for him to return to the franchise in someway, but his perfection here is tough to beat. Imagine current Blonde Bond Craig versus Bean as Lago in an updated remake of Thunderball... I can dream, can’t I?

Although we couldn’t have a blonde Bond when Bean auditioned, we can have a woman as the head of MI6. Dame Judi Dench’s (Shakespeare in Love, Notes on A Scandal) debut as M is wonderfully cranky and hard-assed like Bernard Lee and Robert Brown before her. The Berlin Wall is gone, the Soviet Union dissolved-M’s sizing up of Bond as a misogynistic relic of the Cold War is completely accurate. Dench’s delivery and style are akin to the skeptical audience. Why should we still care about Bond? What is he going to do in GoldenEye to warm our hearts again? Against the definitely not Bond Girl M, Samantha Bond’s (Emma, Distant Shores) Miss Moneypenny is charming as the flirtatious secretary with a jest for James. Her talent, look, and age are on par with Brosnan, and her wit has shades of former Penny Lois Maxwell.

Stalwart Desmond Llewelyn continues as Bond’s gadget wizard Q, and the banter with Brosnan is on form. There’s just enough tongue in cheek and dry Brit wit to keep things funny, not stupid. The gadget debriefing scene packs in a lot of quips and bits- and all of it works. As opposed to some older Bond pictures where everyone is dubbed, unnamed, or well, weak; GoldenEye has a healthy supporting cast. From The Living Daylights veteran Joe Don Baker returning to the series as CIA ally Jack Wade to Alan Cumming (X-2: X-Men United) as quirky Janus henchman Boris Grishenko, each has a moment of charm. Robbie Coltrane (Harry Potter), Minnie Driver (Good Will Hunting), and Tchéky Karyo (The Patriot) shine as well.

GoldenEye of course continues the Bond tradition of hot international babes. Now very well known, Dutch model and actress Famke Janssen (X-Men, Don’t Say A Word) steals almost all of her scenes here. Her Xenia Onatopp not only has a name worthy of her vile henchwomen predecessors, but she gets off on killing-literally. It’s so twisted it’s cool. Again, you would think a woman who can kill people by crushing them between her legs would laugh folks right out of the theater; but this kitschy Bond Babe works. Janssen doesn’t speak very much, but she holds her own against the Brosnan and Bean big boys. Equally feisty is Polish-Swedish actress Izabella Scorupco (Reign of Fire) as sassy computer tech Natalya Simonova. Scorupco is a little too pretty to be a simple computer programmer, but she’s intelligent and spunky. Moreover, in a series infamous for its dubbing, her Russian accent is a-okay. Not only does Natalya get some Bond loving, but she’s got some fun dialogue. Rather than being a woman merely there for looks, she figures into the plot to disarm the GoldenEye weapon. It’s serious and realistic, too- not like flaky, buxom scientists before and after.

Perhaps the mid nineties styles and computers are out of date now, but GoldenEye has an intelligent, scientific plot to go along with all the gadgets, action, and effects. Actually, there aren’t many obvious effects to speak of-satellite shots and some blue screen work-but nothing as ridiculous as the invisible car from Die Another Day. The action here is where it’s at. In some ways director Martin Campbell (The Mask of Zorro, Casino Royale) adheres to several Bond standards-the obligatory planes, chases, and fights, of course. However, GoldenEye’s post-Iron Curtain St. Petersburg setting allows for some cool twists on the action. Snow, communist relics, armored trains, and tanks through old world city streets give homage to the franchise and real life history while upping the ante onscreen. To go along with it all, we have an updated Bond Theme; an edgy title song from U2 and Tina Turner; and sweet opening titles with plenty of babes bashing the hammer and sickle.

I have to say, my husband is not a fan of GoldenEye. He finds it too slow. Perhaps some of technobabble talking scenes do drag in the first hour of the picture, but by the finale, writers Michael France (The Punisher), Bruce Ferstein (Tomorrow Never Dies) and Jeffrey Caine (The Chief) balance the intelligence and action nicely. GoldenEye isn’t just one of the best Bond pictures; it’s meaty enough for generic action and adventure audiences. You want chases and explosions-it’s there with all the smarts and excellent performances. I would however, caution a casual fan from taking in a television viewing of GoldenEye. Though tame in that Bond only bags two babes, networks edit for time and content in all the wrong places. I was so angry that BBC America cut most of Trevelyan’s scene with Natalya-even the ‘tastes like strawberries’ zinger. How dare they!

Several DVD editions of GoldenEye can be found at very affordable prices. Mine was under $7- a fairly risk free commitment for the hesitant Bond viewer. Collectors will of course own the special edition and package sets with extensive features, but it looks like we’re still waiting on GoldenEye’s blu-ray release. I’m trying to wait for all the Bond films to be released on blu-ray before I pick up any. What if they pull out another super special ultimate blu-ray pack of the entire series like they did with the DVDs? Nevertheless, I probably won’t be able to wait once this blu-ray set comes out. I can always pass along my DVD to my dad. I’ve made him watch this one so often, now he likes Brosnan’s Bond. Even if you aren’t a Bond fan, GoldenEye should be enough to convert you.

Don't Say A Word

Don’t Say A Word Speaks Too Little

By Kristin Battestella

Maybe you’ve seen 2001’s Don’t Say A Word. Perhaps you don’t like thrillers or find Michael Douglas past his Fatal Attraction prime. You do, however, know one thing about director Gary Fleder’s tale: “I’ll never tell.”

I’m sure you know someone who imitates Brittany Murphy’s haunting chirp; perhaps you do a good one yourself. Don’t Say A Word is much more than a Murphy romp, but its not as much as it could be.

Michael Douglas (Wall Street) leads a fine cast as Dr. Nathan Conrad, a psychiatrist with a flare for helping troubled young folk. His wife Aggie (Famke Janssen, X-Men) is laid up at the Conrad’s posh townhouse with a broken leg and daughter Jessie (Skye McCole Bartusiak, 24). All seems just peachy until Dr. Conrad receives an emergency call on Thanksgiving Eve. Dr. Louis Sachs (Oliver Platt, The West Wing) needs Nathan’s insights on a new patient, Elisabeth Burrows (Brittany Murphy, Sin City). After his initial visit with Elisabeth, the holiday morning seems grand-until the Conrads discover Jessie has been abducted during the night. Jewel thief turned kidnapper Patrick Koster (Sean Bean, The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring) calls Dr. Conrad with his demands; Get the number locked inside Elisabeth’s troubled mind or Jessie is dead.

Based on the novel by Andrew Klavan with a screenplay from Anthony Peckham and Patrick Smith Kelly (A Perfect Murder), Don’t Say A Word certainly has an intriguing premise. The opening robbery scene and subsequent patient and family sets establish who everyone is and what is happening. The suspense and food for thought comes in the unanswered why. How did Koster come to Nathan? What is the number? The direction from Fleder (Kiss the Girls) and the performances onscreen are realistic and well played. It’s tough to have an action opening followed by seemingly random looks into a New York family’s life, but it works here. We are invested in these people’s dilemmas. We want answers and resolution.

Michael Douglas is on form as the sympathetic yet intelligent Dr. Conrad. At first we might find him uppity and smug-Nathan has left the down trodden psychiatric hospital for uptown and lucrative psychiatry. Oddly enough, you are rooting more for the opening heist. You want the double cross on Koster to succeed. Seeing how Dr. Conrad and his family get caught in Koster’s revenge scheme instantly makes the determined father likeable. Douglas often plays the Fonda-type innocent and wronged man with roles like The Game and more recently the elderly comedy The In-Laws; a remake co starring dad Kirk Douglas. We know he’ll do what needs to be done, and we believe his motivation.

Perhaps more intriguing is Famke Janssen as Aggie, the bed bound wife. When Koster is spying on her and carrying on glib phone conversations, you feel every bit for Aggie’s pain, helplessness, and fear for herself and her abducted daughter. It’s bemusing to see Janssen and Sean Bean on opposite sides since they were so delicious as the evil duo in Goldeneye. The turnabout makes Koster seem even more dubious, and you really want Aggie to do something about it. But what can she do? Not just a pretty face, Janssen sells what could be very claustrophobic and still scenes with real tears, intense stares, angry fidgets, and subtle movements. Untraditional camera angles also work in Aggie’s storyline. She may not move, but the camera does. Likewise the cuts to Sean Bean as Koster on the phone expand Aggie’s space.

Often typecast as the villain courtesy of his vile roles in Patriot Games and Essex Boys, Bean is creepy as ever in Don’t Say A Word. We’ve seen his villainy before, but American audiences may not be as familiar with Bean’s voice, unlike his popular narration, commercial, and voice over work in the UK. His delivery for Koster is perfectly vile and suave. Every time Koster calls Dr. Conrad, you know who’s in control.

Strangely, Brittany Murphy doesn’t have much to do beyond the ticks and chants of the stereotypical crazy person on film. Bartusiak’s Jessie is cute enough, but the strength of these characters is raised by the three leads. The Conrads want their daughter, Nathan reaches out to Elisabeth like a father to a daughter, and both the younger girls are very important to Koster and his schemes.

I would like to have seen more of the authorities’ storyline. Jennifer Esposito’s Detective Cassidy is always one step behind. It’s a shame her scenes aren’t given more weight to parallel the main focuses. Yes, another thread to conclude may not always be a good thing, but somewhere halfway through Don’t Say A Word, things get a little obvious. The intelligent layers peel down to other stereotypical themes. It turns out Elisabeth isn’t all that troubled after all, everyone has their rah rah moment and then it’s time to move onto Thanksgiving Dinner. For all the fine performances and mature set up in Don’t Say A Word, the end wraps up almost too nicely. I liked Don’t Say A Word and am still recommending it to intelligent audiences, but intrigued viewers must look to the DVD features for more in depth scenes and analysis. Cast and director commentaries, storyboards, and deleted scenes give some fulfillment.

Don’t Say A Word is an intelligent and well acted film when such movies are tough to find. Repeat watching may not be in the cards, but any thinking person audience should tune in.

House On Haunted Hill (s)

Original House on Haunted Hill Still A Must See
By Kristin Battestella

Ah, ‘Tis the season for horror movie marathons, is it not? On tap for my black and white movie challenged man, House on Haunted Hill- the 1959 original mind you. Even if its slightly dated and not as scary as it used to be, this classic is a must see for any horror buff.

Master of horror Vincent Price stars as Frederick Loren- a bored millionaire throwing a party for his young, jealous, and greedy wife Annabelle (Carol Omhart)- complete with a haunted house, plenty of scotch, and revolvers in mini coffins as favors. Five guests are invited by Loren-although none have met the mysterious millionaire. Lance, the test pilot (Richard Long), Ruth the reporter (Julie Mitchum), The Doctor (Alan Marshal), Nora a sweet girl of course (Carolyn Craig), and the drunk owner of the house Watson Pritchard (Elisah Cook Jr.). These financially challenged guests must spend the night locked in the haunted house-those who survive until morning will walk away with $10,000.

While that’s hardly a lot of money today, and other aspects of the film have not stood the test of time, Vincent Price is near perfection. The husky voiced veteran of such horror classics as House of Usher, The Raven, The Pit and The Pendulum, and my favorite The Masque of Red Death-not to mention mainstream roles in The Ten Commandments and Laura-Price proves his worth here. The multifaceted actor chews up Loren and thoroughly enjoys the cheeky interplay between Loren and his fourth wife. Their introductory scene is full of jealously, love of money, and reminiscing about poison.

The rest of the cast is standard in its support. Sure some of the drama and hysterics is over the top now, but each actor fits his or her part perfectly. Lance the bravado pilot and Nora can really scream-but more importantly, they serve their purpose. A classic star like Jimmy Stewart or Cary Grant-they come with a preconceived notion of who they are and what their character must be about. With a cast of relative unknowns, director William Castle succeeds in reaching his audience. The party guests are indeed regular people who need Loren’s money-desperate people to endure this house for money. Average Joes like you and me. Although it is firmly placed in its fifties mentality, Castle and writer Robb White touches a timeless concept with House on Haunted Hill-greed. What would you do for $10,000?

Unfortunately, Castle’s promotional ideas for House on Haunted Hill were touch and go. Although the low budget film succeeded at the box office, the idea of skeletons zooming across the theater at selected parts of the film was technically difficult and got out of hand with audiences. The film’s bloody heads, dangling bodies, pools of acid, and the like are also bound to the movie making techniques of the time. Observant fans will spot the flying wires and proverbial smoke and mirrors in the film. At the wrong volume, the music and screaming-and there is a lot of screaming-can be a toe towards annoying as well.

Hokeyness aside, House on Haunted Hill still provides one or two heart pounding jump in your seat scares. The first time I saw House on Haunted Hill, it wasn’t a dark and stormy night. The lights were on and it wasn’t even near Halloween. I tuned in for Vincent Price, but I thought the opening was convoluted and slow. When the first BOO moment came, I was caught totally off guard. I’ve been hooked on this little film that could since.

In 1999, House on Haunted Hill was updated by director William Malone with gore, gore, and more gore. Castle’s original is just silly enough and clean enough for a spooky night in with the kids. The remake focuses more on the actual haunting and back story of the house, but its gear toward modern fan boys with short attention spans is fleeting at best.The updated House on Haunted Hill stars Geoffrey Rush as amusement monger Stephen Price and Famke Janssen as his greedy wife Evelyn. As in the original, the woefully wealthy couple needs to add spice to their relationship by holding a party-a party in a haunted house of course. Five unsuspecting guests are lured to the fiesta, and whoever survives the entire night at the house receives a one million dollar voucher-just to keep it real for today’s audiences. Writer Dick Beebe added a psycho insane asylum back story to the house, but the plot does little. Chopped up parts, naked women, and crazy experiments try to explain the house’s evil, but in truly frightening fashions- not knowing the how or why is better. Knowing the rather weak source of your evil can make things a bit…lame.

Contrary to Malone’s belief, my favorite part of the revived House on Haunted Hill is not the opening herky jerky, cut ‘em up flashbacks, nor the subsequent roller coaster ride and stunt casting of singer Lisa Loeb and Spike alum James Marsters. My individual creepy came midway through the film, when Price views crazy psychiatrist ghost Dr. Vannacutt (Jeffery Combs) on his TV monitors. The otherworldly, stop motion, unnatural movements are the best part of the film, and they only last a few seconds. The shock value of chopped heads and good old fashioned shock therapy treatments do nothing to scare modern audiences.

Chris Kattan has a few memorable scenes as the neurotic owner of the industrial and contemporary haunt. He plays the exact same funny man as always, but it’s intriguing to see the humor in a spooky setup. Although I doubt all the humor is intentional. So if the movie isn’t meant to be funny, and it isn’t scary-who is the film for? It is rare for any medium today to not have a strict marketing campaign. Vincent Price fans will not like this new House on Haunted Hill, and teeny bopper fans will quickly dismiss it for others in this new inferior slasher genre- Thirteen Ghosts immediately comes to mind. When I tried to tell a friend about this new House on Haunted Hill, she responded, “The one with Catherine Zeta-Jones?” Of course that’s The Haunting-another remake inferior to the original.

What makes films like the original House on Haunted Hill classics is the effects-bad effects or simply the lack there of. My favorite part of Price’s version involves an old lady. I swear she is riding a skateboard to create that ghostly walk ambiance. It’s a catch-22. The effects are hokey and often as bad as hell-which of course tunes out spoiled CGI viewers. However, since old time film making effects were so bad-the story, actors, and directing needed to hold their own. The remake, however, adds nothing but bad gore and bad gimmicks. If a film must be remade, the redo must adhere to all the original’s strengths and them some. The new House on Haunted Hill is only for die hard cheese fans.

In a day and age where a film has to be rated R to be good, its amazing to recall that films like the original House on Haunted Hill succeeded with little violence, bad props, and cheeky dialogue. Kids might get genuinely spooked, and boomers might remember their first viewing at that special drive-in. House on Haunted Hill is what it is, but its old B flick fashion should not be taken at face value. Castle’s little movie is for fans young and old who appreciate good film. Clearly something was done right-we’re still watching over forty years later.

Fortunately both House on Haunted Hills aren’t over the top in price range. Check the bargain bin at your local video store for the new colorized version of the original, check the budget collections at any department store, or browse the used for a copy of the 1999 release. Hill can be found in classic sets, individually, as a double feature-even budget DVDs with cartoon shorts like the good old days. Priced at $9.99 or under-$5 or less if you know where to look-my edition contains a Superman short and the John Carradine classic Bluebeard. Two for the price of one!

Skip the remake and go with the classic House on Haunted Hill. It appeals to everyone, and you can’t call yourself a horror film buff without it!