Stars Do Thrills and Kills

Stars Do Thrills and Kills!

by Kristin Battestella

Some big names past and present take on murder, mayhem, slashers, and suspense in these intriguing mysteries and fun horrors.

The Eyes of Laura Mars – Barbara Streisand (Guilty) power ballads and photo negatives open this 1978 mystery directed by Irvin Kershner (The Empire Strikes Back) starring photographer Faye Dunaway (The Three Musketeers) and cop Tommy Lee Jones (Stormy Monday). Hazy point of view scissors, saucy magazines, fur coats, and stabbing knives contrast the Deco bedroom accented with multiple mirrors, reversed symmetry, white nightgowns, and strategic lighting glows. The swanky pads come complete with vintage photography, huge cameras, light boxes, print sheets, cases of Polaroid film, and a copy of the titular photography book. Despite dreams of killer crimes, the gallery galas must go on thanks to pushy reporters questioning the steamy, violent photos and whether such photography is just an incendiary fad compared to real artistry. Such topics are immediately fascinating to study then when nudity was relatively new onscreen and now as today's auteur photographer has taken a backseat to instagram filters and cameras everywhere. The edgy pictures here, however, are said to be a reflection of the world – recognizable selling points for our former war zone photojournalist. Funky music and great disco tracks contrast murder questioning as lingerie, lace, and garter belts accent the photo shoot montages with babes pulling each other's hair and cars on fire in the street. Editing matches the rapid fire shutter clicks until blurry visions and more death interfere with the couture and upscale time capsule. Violent stabbings and blood in the eyes overtake the viewpoint as the audience thinks we see more than what is actually shown thanks to the believe what you see or what I tell you duality. The ugly green, harsh police station and its neurotic smoking counters the glamorous scene and the slim, sexy campaign while unpublished crime photos suggest a copycat and cast suspicion on Laura's handsy ex-husband Raul Julia (The Addams Family). Sophisticated friends think she shouldn't mention these psychic visions, however the conversations happen while we're looking through the lense or at the billboards, for the images are distractions from driver Brad Dourif's (Lord of the Rings) rap sheet and details agent Rene Auberjonois (Deep Space Nine) isn't telling. Laura is no nonsense at work but reliant on the men around her once something goes wrong, and the models are to be looked at, used, or killed. Hard line cityscapes, industrial scaffolding, and massive windows are places where a lady can get hurt. Above and below chases, stabbings, shootouts, staircases, and filming through railings harken Hitchcock and Bava as deadly action happens in both the voyeur and the victim's perspectives. Video cameras and television screens filming the sex and violence as titillation layer the within within visuals while pictures within pictures and photographs provide both foreground and background subjects. More through the blinds peering and intercut editing match the slicing crimes as funerals begat admonishing sermons, intruding reporters, and hecklers blaming Laura. Trysts amid the trees and bed of furs zoom in and out of focus, and our photographer is taught how to aim, point, and shoot with a gun instead of the camera. Reflective wrapping paper reveals a picture of the receiver when he wasn't looking before he sings “I'm a jolly good fellow” and decoys of decoys, tails being tailed, and men dressed as women lead to screams, car crashes, and red herrings. Each frame is like looking at a wall of mirrors, creating tunnel vision where the audience, voyeurs that we are, see what we want to see until the double vision becomes one with elevators, shattered windows, slashed throats, and cracked mirrors. Imitators and wise viewers make the finale twists obvious now, however this should be seen more than once for the doubts on what we see as face value and not noticing what's hidden in plain sight.

The Last Horror Film – Cape wearing cabbie who still lives with his mother Joe Spinell (Maniac) fantasizes about directing scream queen Caroline Munro (Dracula A.D. 1972) to awards glory while stalking her at the Cannes Film Festival in this 1982 filmed on the fly slasher also called Fanatic. Boobs, red lights, hot tub shocks, and electrocution screams garner screening room praise amid vintage theater projectors, old film reels, and retro film equipment in a great visual capsule of New York streets, Riviera scenery, and topless beaches. Posters of the day – including the giant, unmistakable legs of For Your Eyes Only – and sly festival cameos contrast radio reports about Jodi Foster's stalker and creepy collage shrines of Munro as Jana Bates. Our obsessed wannabe blends in with the wild parties, filming within filming set ups, and crowded red carpet for his hefty but then innocuous on the shoulder camera is just one of many like today's fan encounters never in the moment but via the ubiquitous smartphone. Calls to the producer with script ideas for his leading lady mirror today's chance for anybody to @ a celebrity on social media while love triangles parallel the life imitating art relationships on and off screen. There's 212 phone numbers, too – no 555! Busy vignette filming with night clubs and neon slow the shoestring plot, yet the obviously bad toppling heads, slit throats, and slow motion scares blur the film within a film wink. Prophetic throwaway mentions of women wanting to talk film business pushed aside by producers looking for nude starlets accent debates about not needing security because the audience understands the difference between reality and illusion, actress versus character, and violence or bad influences onscreen. It's chilling how easy it is for one man to gain star access, but police suspect the crimes supposedly being committed must be performance art promotion for a horror movie – again not unlike today's fine line between PR and real life with social media photoshop and accidentally on purpose pap strolls. Babes frolicking on the beach taunt the weirdo who wants to watch before blinding spotlights in the cinema, silhouettes against the blank screen, and gory ax slices as the intercut editing merges the fantasies of our horny, disturbed director with onscreen stabs, gouged hearts, and fake blood everywhere. The audience eats popcorn while he bursts into the bathroom ready to pop the cork on his champagne, and the soundtrack fits the frenetic mental state. Lack of awareness on any wrong doing and rejection from his favorite star lead to chases through the festival wearing nothing but towels – and the cheering crowd doesn't help because they think such a fabulous entrance must be a publicity stunt. Lookalikes and security can't stop the backstage abductions as the old school horror leaves the festival for country villas and an over the top candlelight vampire meets chainsaw finale. The varying versions' gore contrasting Cannes unevenness and horror versus humor mixed tone add to the somewhat frustrating haphazard filming, however the winks come together in the end with the open for interpretation saucy, bemusement, and entertainment.

Spinning Man – Sunny lakeside fun turns into ominous docks and police blotters in this 2018 thriller starring professor Guy Pearce (Prometheus), detective Pierce Brosnan (GoldenEye), and wife Minnie Driver (Phantom of the Opera). Foreboding flashes, yellow tape, and photos of the deceased keep restarting the story alongside snippets of seemingly happy family fun, pieces of conversations, and disjointed exposition. The professors debate hypothetical opportunities with young students and guilt versus objective reason, but working out while the students look leads to crushes, stolen glances, and unspoken flirtations accented by the camera's focusing on a smile longer than it should or lingering on the long puff of a cigarette. Family collisions, questioning versus alibis, and rival smooth, however, are enough without unnecessary hot and heavy fantasizing and back and forth intercuts. Sometimes our professor is cool, yet other times he protests where there seems to be no reason. The detectives insist this is all routine, but the viewer understands the interplay without the story resorting to sensationalism as many crime and procedurals often do. Paralleling police mirrors or the man made small and isolated in the frame visuals accent interrogations while careful editing matches the police questioning and family arguments. Again unnecessary flashes of running in the woods break the suspect or family man tension when in the classroom philosophizing and literal versus figurative plays on words build better suspicion. It's easy to talk one's way out of anything if you interpret truth as subjective, and whispers about previous students and patterns of behavior mean treading carefully in the semantics with our pesky yet thorough detective. They're both searching for the truth, but the close to the vest police unnerve their suspect with their own existential theories. The timelines don't add up, and the impounded vehicle certainly points to our professor. Lawyers, however, provide realistic doubts on the circumstantial evidence – runaways instead murder despite suspect lipstick and traps lying in wait. Awkward family trips acerbate the narcissistic blaming and maybe maybe not memories ironically a la Memento. No one says what they actually mean and a mother must protect her children even if she doubts her husband. Perception on who's guilty and deception that doesn't make one look good provide duality, for hiding suspect behavior may be as innocent as putting up missing posters for a child's pet you know to be dead or as bad as rationalizing a scandal that puts the entire university in jeopardy. A son may put on a cape and pretend to be someone else but as adults we choose the destructive facades we wear. While this straightforward did he or didn't he doesn't underestimate the audience, it is slow in some spots thanks to the round and round. Viewers looking for tense a minute will also be let down as this is really a character drama misrepresented as a thriller. Fortunately, the fine ensemble and dramatic performances provide mature introspection as the lies and what is believed to be the truth come full circle.

I Didn't Finish this Skipper:

Slasher Season 2: Guilty Party – This eight episode 2017 installment now billed as a Neflix original gets off to a very rough start with shades of Friday the 13th and I Know What You Did Last Summer. Hip camp counselors take a snowy drive with rad music to revisit a past crime before torches and a hazing gone wrong lead to a bloody picnic blanket, dumping bodies, and screams. Unfortunately, everyone is an immediately unlikable horror stereotype deserving of what comes to them. Supply stop cliches and warnings from the experts add more seen this horror movie before deja vu, and summer staff lacking in proper outdoor clothing inexplicably know how to drive snowmobiles after complaining about how much they dislike winter activities. Now the retreat is a commune with likewise trite tree huggers suspicious in their lack of suspicions, as apparently they don't hear the loud arguing and x marks the spot map where the counselors fear a new developer putting in tennis courts will discover their buried secrets. Sudden chainsaw action and gruesome eviscerations are tough to appreciate when far too many characters are throw at the screen amid more contrivances for the obvious unknown witness and/or family member revenge. From taking a vote to call the police after saying murder is not a democracy to the drinking game for each time the hysterical snob tells everyone else to calm down and everybody telling each other to “fuck off” like it's “goodnight” on The Waltons – terrible dialogue acerbates the intercut unevenness between the shouting killer crowd versus the happy whispering commune. The original camp flashbacks are more interesting than the present but the back and forth also undercuts any current tension. Strung up skeletons and ominous tracks in the snow wouldn't sustain a weekly viewing if this were a traditional series nor can the scary shocks hide the laughable action and intestines wrapped around a snowman preposterous. Emo counselors crying wolf and making themselves the victim repeatedly ask why someone is doing this – because the “I know you killed her” bloody writing on the wall isn't explanation enough? Sabotaged vehicles, bloody packages, and stupid people who don't know they are in a horror movie thinking a thirty mile hike in the winter night is better than staying in a safe building create inexplicable motivations while brief wolf perils, frostbite, being lost in the woods, and a hitherto unknown medical expert among the crowd are no surprise. Dual timelines and the all over the place ensemble can't compensate for the too thin for eight episodes derivatives. Most disturbing, however, are the racist undertones over a seriously problematic love triangle with a black man and Indian girl desperate to fit in with the white Mean Girls. After two episodes, the only person dressed for the outdoors is the somehow unseen killer in a bright orange parka, and gouged eyes or snapped necks have no deeper, vengeful meaning beyond varying the gore. There's no reason to care about who lives or dies, and reading the remaining episode summaries provides cannibalism, rape, more characters who happened to visit the isolated retreat, a just missed it plane flying by rescue, and conveniently found old camp files among yet more numerous reasons to tune out ASAP.

Tales from the Crypt Season 5

Star Studded Tales from the Crypt Season 5 Remains Memorable

by Kristin Battestella

The Fall 1993 Fifth Season of Tales from the Crypt is a star studded season full of familiar faces and frights to remember beginning with Tim Curry (Clue) and Ed Begley, Jr. (She-Devil) in “Death of Some Salesmen.” Our unscrupulous cemetery plot salesman snoops in the obituaries, preying on old widows like Yvonne De Carlo (The Munsters) with a rural, door to door con as the humorous winks, overalls, and southern gentility contrast the risque sex, bloody secrets, and murderous traps. Headless revelations offer a quirky, if disturbing grain of truth on swindling salesmen getting what they deserve, but the revolting comeuppance had both me and my husband gagging and laughing at the same time. Our Crypt Keeper host is taking calls on KDOA Radio as Hector Elizondo (Chicago Hope) suspects young wife Patsy Kensit (Full Eclipse) of having an affair in director Kyle Maclachlan's (Twin Peaks) “As Ye Sow.” Unfortunately, Adam West's (Batman) upscale surveillance firm says she does nothing but go to church everyday – to a controversial priest tossed from his last parish. Debates on the church as living organ, throbbing with his flock in his arms provide juicy winks as the power of suggestion has our paranoid husband fearing betrayal and jumping to the wrong conclusion. An unreliable point of view imaging what's going on in the confessional makes for a controversial mix of sacrilegious horror, but it's cheaper to hire hit men than get a divorce. War photographers Steve Buscemi (Boardwalk Empire) and Roger Daltry (Highlander: The Series) likewise fight over Lysette Anthony (Dracula: Dead and Loving It) in “Forever Ambergris” while The Keeper himself shoots for Vicghoulia's Secret. Anything can happen during this Central America assignment, and villages contaminated with germ warfare create an elevated dramatic mood amid macho guns versus the camera, mercenaries, and screaming convulsions. Bubbling flesh, oozing blood, squishing eyeballs – what's a little imbued chemicals once you steal the award winning photographs and get the girl?

In “Two for the Show” bored, adulterous wife Traci Lords (Cry Baby) wants more passion. However, her husband is worried her leaving will make him look bad at the corporate banquet, leading to strangulation, scissors, knife play, and stuffing the body into a bedside chest even if it just won't fit. Suspicious cops, dismemberment, and a heavy suitcase provide suspense with shades of Hitchcock in the overhead parallels and two shots of men on a train hypothetically debating about killing their wives. The crime has already been committed, yet there's a classy, potboiler tense to the garbage disposal twists. Of course, the audience is on trial with the barrister wig wearing 'Honorable Judge Crypt Keeper' presiding over “House of Horror” as Wil Wheaton (Star Trek: The Next Generation), Kevin Dillon (Entourage), Brian Krause (Sleepwalkers), and more eighties teens are all grown up and trying to join the fraternity with paddles, humiliation, kneeling, and scrubbing dog poo with a toothbrush. The sister house is here for their final initiation at a haunted fraternity house with a murderous past, and one by one the plebs must make it to the attic with all the tricks, gags, screams, chainsaws, and turnabouts along the way. Assistant Maryam d'Abo (Bond Girls Are Forever) is unhappy when magician Billy Zane's (Dead Calm) show isn't a success in “Well Cooked Hams.” While The Crypt Keeper is taking French lessons for his trip to 'gay Scaree,' the turn of the century magic scene is cutthroat and our magician will kill to get ahead when not stealing the Box of Death trick from fellow hunchback illusionist Martin Sheen (The West Wing). Inserted knives, sulfuric acid, burning ropes, and handcuffs add to the magic rivalry and period mood as the disguises, reflections, and smoke and mirrors leave the audience screaming. The difference, you see, is in not when the crowd is aware of the ruse but when they actually believe it. Slick Anthony Michael Hall (The Breakfast Club) tries to outwit the mummy legends and sacrificed princesses in “Creep Course,” however his attempt to steal the mid-term answers leads to statues, tombs, torches, and a sarcophagus from the professor's private collection – courtesy of some grave robbing family history. The jocks versus academia double crossing twists provide gross embalming techniques, through the nose icky, and projectile vomiting for a fun atmosphere with good old fashioned wrappings in contemporary mummy spins.

Big CK is a flight attendant on Tales from the Crypt Scarelines for “Came the Dawn,” but the bimbo in the bathroom and the bloody ax murderer have other dismembering ideas. Good thing suave in his Porsche Perry King (Melrose Place) picks up broke down Brooke Shields (The Blue Lagoon), taking her to his cabin on a stormy night – after stopping for oysters and champagne, of course. Medieval décor with executioner artifacts and weapons accent opera, fireside candlelit dinners, and jewels. Unfortunately, tales of adultery begat black stockings bondage interrupted by an ex-girlfriend shouting at the door. Wise Tales from the Crypt viewers will figure out what's happening easily thanks to taxidermy and ladies clothing in the closet. However, that obvious doesn't make the revealing attacks any less chilling. Con artist couple Lou Diamond Phillips (La Bamba) and Priscilla Presley (Dallas) dig up their buried alive cohort and the money with him in “Oil's Well That Ends Well” – a fellow con who happens to be the man behind the Crypt Keeper John Kassir in his only onscreen Tales from the Crypt appearance. She wants another con and shows her authority at the rowdy bar, taking on the nasty boys with a great speech on how strong women are called bitches, screwed, fucked, and screwed again. Oil claims help swindle the local rednecks into drilling under the graveyard, with explosions and self-referential quips setting off the who's screwing whom. More bemusing dialogue mixed with suspense and surreal shootouts elevate “Till Death Do We Part.” Although this is another crime drama and love triangle more about violence than horror, gigolo John Stamos (Full House) and mob dame Eileen Brennan (Clue) provide diamonds, dice, jazz clubs, and saucy betrayals – leading to limos in the woods with guns, bodies in the trunk, rubber aprons, and axes. Crook Robert Picardo (Star Trek: Voyager) is just so polite in making the vomiting, fainting lady stand up and watch the quartering! Our KRPT sportscaster Crypt Keeper, meanwhile, is on the radio with the World Scaries featuring the Fright Sox versus the Boo Jays. Which team will keep their winning shriek alive?

This is a short, mostly solid season, however, there are a few less than stellar episodes of Tales from the Crypt such as Ernie Hudson's (Ghostbusters) “Food for Thought” with its carnival warped, saucy dessert metaphors, and perverted quid pro quo abuses between a mind reading couple. The racial implications among the freaks, conjoined twin ladies naked in the shower, illicit fire eater romance, and a jealous girl gorilla make for fiery consequences, yet the revenge is thin, with most of the circus designs just for show. The fourth and ghoul Crypt Keeper quarterback also can't save the uneven crimes in director Russell Mulcahy's (Highlander 2) “People Who Live in Brass Hearses.” Violent ex-con Bill Paxton (Aliens) and simpleton younger brother Brad Dourif (Child's Play) are out for revenge, harassing the suspicious ice cream truck driver before bloody hooks, murderous mishaps, gory gunshots, and safe cracking gone awry. There are some twists, but the sardonic humor and quirky characters can't carry the heist amid unenjoyable outbursts and obnoxiousness. Ghoulish bodies, morgue drawers, and colorful goo open “Half-Way Horrible” and the Keeper is shrinking heads in the dryer at his scare salon while a detective asks Clancy Brown (Highlander) about his chemical company's proprietary ingredients. These rare herbs were of course stolen in the jungle amid tribal drums, native secrets, and zombie rituals. Voodoo dolls come back to haunt the corrupt chemist, and once again it's just rich white guys learning the err of their appropriating ways – told from the sympathetic point of view of said rich white guys. It's not surprising and doesn't make us feel bad when he gets his due. As The Keeper says, 'he needed to learn rot from wrong a little fester.'

Fortunately, old fashioned kitchens, cameo jewelry, and country strings accent the rural settings of these tales again based on Haunt of Fear, Tales from the Crypt, Vault of Horror, Shock SuspenStories, and Crime SuspenStories. Cha-ching money sounds, stormy nights, and other audio bells and whistles set off the vintage video, VCRs, old televisions, giant tape reels, transistor radios, huge ass car phones, and hi tech nineties corporate contrasting the old school noir, file folders, and black and white photographs. Warped camera angles, dark lighting, shadow schemes, and colorful touches keep the on location production values top notch amid effective jungle horrors, gross make up, blood, and disturbing gore. Downtrodden circus tents and lanterns provide golden Victorian patinas while haunted houses and cobwebs create congested scares. Train tensions begat outdoor ominous and penultimate zombie gross, and though front loaded with juicy nudity, later in the season the steamy lingerie isn't as important as the swanky bling, period costumes, or Egyptian motifs. Tales from the Crypt's horror prosthetics really allow the cast per episode to sink their teeth into the role or multiple roles whether playing to or against type. Tales from the Crypt Season Five starts strong with some of the series' finest humor and horror with sardonic sexiness and star studded scares. This shorter year shines with relatively few poor outings – a precursor to today's brief, quickly digestible fall horror and anthology seasons. Tales from the Crypt Season Five is a creepy, fast marathon for Halloween or anytime of year.

Voyager Season 3

Voyager  Season 3 Getting Good

By Kristin Battestella

After two lackluster seasons of Star Trek: Voyager, Year 3 adds some quality guests, Original Series feelings, and fine two-parters for a not too bad little season. Eureka!

Captain Katherine Janeway (Kate Mulgrew) and the crew of the stranded in the Delta Quadrant USS Voyager leave their Kazon enemies behind while Vulcan Lieutenant Tuvok (Tim Russ), pilot Tom Paris (Robert Duncan McNeil) and Talaxian chef Neelix (Ethan Phillips) encounter previous friends and foes. Time travel, Ferengi, and the Borg don’t make Voyager’s long journey home any easier, either. However, Voyager’s holographic Doctor (Robert Picardo) soon has life altering experiences of his own, as does half-Klingon Chief Engineer B’Elanna Torres (Roxann Dawson) and the growing psychic Kes (Jennifer Lien).

“Basics Part II” is a nice little season opener, with ship intrigue, love to hate comeuppance for Martha Hackett as turncoat Seska, and primitive planet fun.I’m so glad to be done with Kazon, too.  After all, lingering on these factions just keeps a ship that is supposed to be moving at warp speed too stagnant, but thankfully, those impracticalities are replaced by solid SF adventure. The fine action and quality moments for Robert Picardo’s Doctor and returning guest star Brad Dourif might be resolved a bit too easily, but everything serves its purpose here.  Of course, too many frickin’ humanoid looking aliens with assorted forehead motifs and the Harry and Tom prison buddy episode “The Chute” hamper a bit of Season 3’s steam.  We haven’t seen that before, nope.  Again, these rehashings can just be too jarring and remove the hard built fantasy. Fortunately, touches of return to form Trek in “Flashback” are wonderful thanks to Tuvok and our Excelsior favorites. Okay, so it’s an obvious concept, but this re-watch, I’m enjoying Tuvok’s long-lived Vulcan dilemmas and adventure the most.  “Alter Ego” and “Blood Fever” also wonderfully explore the ship and family camaraderie versus holodeck solitude – especially when that inevitable Pon Farr comes around.  “Displaced” gives all the players their moments, complete with invasion, sabotage, and new action in the Delta Quadrant. It’s fast paced, has lots of quality effects and landscapes, and should be the ideal Voyager adventure.

It’s so nice to see all these fine character storylines mixed with good science fiction concepts, interesting themes, and heavy statements! Robert Picardo is again lovely in “The Swarm,” and the lightheartedness of “False Profits” matches with the heavy for Roxann Dawson’s B’Elanna Torres in “Remember.”  “Future’s End I and II” have fun time travel, top-notch action, a sweet Sarah Silverman (Wreck It Ralph), and a sleazy Ed Begley Jr. (St. Elsewhere). What’s not to love? One might joke that the entire reason for this double plot was to get The Doctor unrestricted from sickbay, but Voyager could have had more episodes dealing with the technological woes and abduction paranoia here. Imagine if Voyager and her crew were stuck in the right place but the wrong time for four or six episodes! Naturally, it wouldn’t be Voyager without a few loose bottle shows like “Macrocosm.”  Your ship is adrift with no sign of crew, an alien is afoot, and the holographic doctor is the last person you seek? This type of plot hole and iffy M.O. are those little holes that more often than not sink Voyager’s ship. Thankfully, Mulgrew is again delightful as Captain Janeway. Though I did like the bun, the Captain has literally let her hair down this season, and this ponytail in some small way signifies her distance from Starfleet and warms up Voyager. “Sacred Ground” does reach a little in its religious ideas with double talk and that anti-religion Star Trek feeling, but it is a solid Janeway exploration, and “Coda” is also a lovely Janeway retrospective. Bemusing spectacles with guests John de Lancie and Suzy Plakson also accent the historical action serious for Janeway in “The Q and the Grey.”    

Despite the significant improvements early on in Season 3, some characters are still showing their weaknesses, Robert Beltran’s Commander Chakotay and Jennifer Lien as Kes among them.  Ironically, “Sacred Ground” also has a strange misuse of Chakotay. After having Native American beliefs as his only attempts at character development, it’s odd that he is disbelieving his captain’s leap of faith instead of being spiritually interested. “Unity” begins as another pull the wool over on Chakotay show; however, it is a smart introduction to the Borg on Voyager. Is this separated collective doing its forced will for good any better than the assimilation and destruction of the standard Borg variety?  The debate here is just right, unlike some of the overused Borg complaints that plaque Voyager later in the series. “Distant Origins” and “Displaced” are also a fine pair discussing Delta Quadrant evolution from multiple angles. Who’s in the right place or the wrong way? We would think it would be Janeway tackling these strong SF spins and big character conversations, but it’s some of Chakotay’s best here. He’s not duped, speaks honestly, has all the facts, and tries to help someone. It seems corny, even insulting, that his finest is opposite talking reptiles. However, the advanced dinosaur concepts aren’t hokey at all – the science and effects look good. “Warlord” is a familiar tale with lots to chew, but it is a good break from the Kes routine before the weird long hairstyle and pseudo rebellious teen years hamper “Darkling,” which is otherwise owned by the Doctor gone crazy.  Somehow, the Ocampa go from nice little imps or elves to long blonde poofy and tight clothes hoochie. What happened?  

Thankfully, “False Profits” is good fun for Ethan Phillps’ Neelix. Even if you don’t love Ferengi humor and the reliance on Alpha Quadrant stories, the set ups are solid, the tie-ins are necessary to attract Trek fans back to Voyager, and Ethan Phillips always makes it worthwhile. By contrast, “Fair Trade” is a surprisingly dark Neelix foray – though I don’t want him to get too dark. His humor and softness is needed if everyone else is going to get heavy. I’m surprised there is never a mention of Tuvix, but Neelix and Tuvok are wonderful together in “Rise,” too. This episode reminded me a lot of Blake’s 7, and I kind of like the idea of Voyager as being confined, suspicious, full of dilemmas, pointing fingers, and arguing. The show pacings and occasional script confusions can make the series uneven, but the cast of Voyager is capable of this kind of meaty material. “Real Life” is another standout delight for the Doctor, but his plot is hurt by a meaningless phenomena B story.  

Some of the B’Elanna Torres meets Pon Farr twists feel a bit forced in “Blood Fever” as well, even if the Paris/Torres suggestions are intriguing. Their potential implications are done much better in the pleasantly backward “Before and After.”  This might be the first serious science fiction on Voyager. I kept asking myself, ‘How far is this going to go?’ Unfortunately, Garrett Wang’s Ensign Harry Kim gets the short end of the stick again in “Favorite Son.”  Harry being connived by women and wanted for sex is just a bit pretentious, and the copulation is all just a little too weird. At best, Harry solo episodes just aren’t that interesting. I’d much rather see an alien character slowly being diseased toward losing his alien makeup to become the human actor beneath the mask. Why fall back on evil sexy aliens? “Worst Case Scenario” provides these nice what could have been explorations thanks to a mutinous holodeck simulation gone awry. However, by the end of Season 3, it feels like we simply don’t see as much Tuvok or Paris.  Fortunately, everyone is on the same page and working together in the solid “Scorpion” finale. 

Voyager Season 3 is better than I originally remember. It’s faster and stepped up compared to the meandering first two seasons. In seeing this season now, one almost wonders why they changed things further for Year 4. Perhaps that forward movement was the natural progression of the quality created here, and the cliffhanger finale necessitates the continuation to Season 4.  One of this season’s few faults is the fact that it is not a self-contained year.  Were this pre and post not the case, new audiences could begin Voyager here. If the show had started with this new, exciting, fresh presentation and forward motivation, there would have been no need to change the series’ tone halfway thru.  Long time SF fans can delight in Voyager’s kicked up style, and new viewers or returning Star Trek fans can enjoy this largely unfettered Season 3.

Voyager Season 2

Strides Made in Voyager Season 2

By Kristin Battestella

Star Trek: Voyager’s full-length sophomore year falls prey to many of the same old reliances and hindrances of its debut season. Thankfully, quality guest stars and a fine cast make for some quality and improvements with a strong second half spearheading some credibility thru to Year 3.  

70,000 light years from earth and lost deep in the Delta Quadrant, Captain Katherine Janeway (Kate Mulgrew) and her Maquis Commander Chakotay (Robert Beltran) must battle Kazan enemies and forge new alien alliances while subduing Voyager’s old ship bound tensions between Starfleet and the former Maquis. Spies and Cardassian subterfuge put pilot Tom Paris (Robert Duncan MacNeill) and Vulcan lieutenant Tuvok (Tim Russ) in further danger as espionage grows and babies are born during the long journey home.

“The 37’s” opens Season 2 in the already standard Voyager fashion. It’s a nice, lovely little episode and makes for a fun novelty opening. However, it still feels slightly incomplete and would have better served as Season 1’s finale. Many of Voyager’s shows have this same problem – the writing just seems so stale, episodes seem unfinished, technological pieces or effects are missing, and character details and personal touches go to the wayside.  Not only are none of the stories fresh or super new TV, but every plot seems problematic, rewritten, or churned out with gritted teeth – and it shows onscreen. Voyager doesn’t have a lot of return value as a result. If they put in so little effort, why should the audience do more? Were this Trek installment still showing in syndication, it would be very easy to miss an episode one week, happen to not catch another, and then simply tune out altogether. Even the Star Trek guest star card is used too early with a fun but obvious Nog alum Aron Eisenberg in “Initiations” and Dwight Schultz as Barklay in episode 3 “Projections.”  There are fine debates about sex on the ship and the generational aspects to come with Jennifer Lien’s Kes in “Eloguim,” but again, such thoughts are played a little too safe and easy. I’m glad Voyager doesn’t go for all the sexy stunts here, but how can a science fiction series seem so afraid of making the big SF concepts? 

Granted, this off-kilter and incomplete feeling is probably because of Voyager’s act pacing and shorter running time. Alone in syndication, The Next Generation had time for a coda or more reflection. Unfortunately, Voyager could have really used a scene of further debate or space faring costs in most of these network-carrying shows. “Twisted” is a nice ship in a crisis plot. It’s not bad in of itself, but the same old weaknesses and structural problems crack Voyager’s surface.  When Voyager does have fine science fiction materials, too many of the same elements are bunched up together. Reality alterations for Garret Wang’s Harry Kim in “Non Sequitur,” space dwelling life forms meeting paranormal clouds, yadda yadda – where’s the variety and depth? Panache from the cast keeps episodes like “Parturition” together, and yet I can’t help but hate on Voyager for being too easy, generic, and casual. There’s nothing wrong when this show has its quiet character adventures and soft SF set ups. Yes, there isn’t as much time as previous Trek dramas, thus it seems as though not a lot is actually happening on Voyager, and the result is less long lasting or simply unsatisfying.  Producer Brannon Braga was consistently unhappy and disappointed with Voyager, and the show’s faulty system is setting itself up for failure.  All these bottle episodes – ships gone awry, nebula, nebula, phenomenon, rinse, repeat – one after another stifle the stellar character moments in between. Forgive my preposition, but what the heck are they saving the budget for? As with Deep Space Nine, it just seems like Star Trek quality, time, and money can’t be sustained over 26 episode seasons.  Well then why not have 26 episodes?

Thankfully, most of the cast keeps Voyager afloat with fine performances and character explorations.  Although frame within a frame holograms with mental deceptions are nothing new, Robert Picardo holds “Projections” together and “Lifesigns” gives the Doctor a fine romance.  I like Roxann still Biggs-Dawson as B’Elanna Torres in “Prototype” and I’m not sure why there was unhappiness behind the scenes. Today when one does find something he likes on Voyager, it’s depressing to read the production notes available online. Everyone just seems so bitter and displeased already in Season 2. So what if the robots here aren’t super stylized. Was the half-black, half-white painting in The Original Series’ “Let That Be Your Last Battlefield” hokey? Of course.  Is there solid science fiction marvels and moral character dilemmas nonetheless? Absolutely, and Voyager should take this cue all the time. Likewise, “Innocence” and “The Thaw” have nice character moments, but that gosh darn iffy production and confusing plot points make no room for follow up.  Both seem to end too soon, with no time for the fine guest stars and hefty examinations left hanging. Amateur dialogue or technical errors create plot holes that ruin the viewer’s suspension of belief for the whole world. “Resistance” is an otherwise touching Janeway episode with guest star Joel Grey (Buffy) that ends up too vague. Ironically, since not a lot of people watched Voyager, many of the same fuzzy storylines are also borrowed for the subsequent Enterprise. I feel like I’m viewing the same weak swept under the carpet over and over, and the halfhearted coasting doesn’t bode well for the first two years of either series.  Am I asking too much of Voyager?

Voyager does have a solid stretch over the second half of the season, fortunately. Tim Russ as Tuvok and guest Brad Dourif (Lord of the Rings) are wonderful in “Meld,” and Torres has more technological finery in “Dreadnought.”  “Death Wish” relies on more big name guests with Jonathan Frakes returning as William Riker and John de Lancie offering some heavy suicide and Q rights debates. Ethan Phillips perfectly blends Neelix’s humor and seriousness with Robert Duncan MacNeill’s Tom Paris in “Investigations,” too. There are a lot of good Trek shows this season on Voyager, yes – morals, guests, an often united but sometimes divided people who happen to be in space experiencing weird things. It’s frustrating when you have to cut through the flak, but when the good episodes are good, it’s what Voyager should be. Why then do we have lizard baby things concluding “Threshold”? I honestly don’t think that this is that bad of an episode until that reptile mating crap got pulled out from where the sun doesn’t shine. Sadly, this treatment is 110% indicative of the great personal and character stories and potential unique SF concepts of Voyager’s lost in space elements being ruined by one personal’s complaints and behind the scenes unwillingness to push the envelope. 

Likewise, he’s a good guy and sticks by his principles, but man, Chakotay is once again the brunt of the joke. Robert Beltran’s second in command is made almost with too much heart on his sleeve, and by necessity, this creates some sort of forced point and purpose when Chakotay does get something to do in “Tattoo.” “Maneuvers” is also so dry and dismissible despite what should be heavy Kazan arc staples. Those Kazan factions and the back and forth with Martha Hackett as Seska goes on much longer than it should have and gets run into the ground with repeat subterfuge that isn’t needed. Shouldn’t Voyager just be driving by these people already? Frankly, I probably would have killed off Chakotay by now, just to get the danger of the Delta Quadrant across. Janeway doesn’t need his soft-spoken, well, burden. “Resolutions” is the one and only finest Janeway and Chatokay bam hot damn, and nothing ever frickin comes of it!  Fortunately, Kate Mulgrew has a chance to show all sides of Janeway to close out Season 2. “Deadlock” may be a little gimmicky thanks to the double Janeway ploy. However, there are wonderful dilemmas and action here and with “Tuvix.” These are spot on quality conflicts and Trek with a spin wonders upon which Voyager can build. “Basics, Part 1” makes for a solid season ending cliffhanger as well – the kind of enticement that has an audience return for Year 3.

I feel like I’m repeating myself and beating a dead horse on saying all that is wrong with Voyager. There are numerous behind the scenes flaws hurting Season 2 onscreen, and this un-remediated rocky foundation makes it very difficult to enjoy when the cast, crew, and fantastical do arrive.  21^st century viewers accustomed to shorter, swift, no nonsense television won’t be able to wait around for Voyager’s goods. However, fans of the Trek universe and science fiction audiences can have a part and parcel Voyager viewing thanks to streaming and rental options and marked down video sets. If you accept it’s built in substandard designs, the positive strides made this season keep Star Trek: Voyager watchable.

Recent Horror Questionables

Recent Horror Split Decisions

By Kristin Battestella

When watching horror across the decades, one thing always seems to stand out: most recent macabre movies are kind of iffy.  Whether it’s a case of miscasting, poor effects, or weak scripts, here’s a quick look at a few 21^st century films full of undecided ho-hum or what could have been.

The Divide – Michael Biehn (Aliens), Rosanna Arquette (Desperately Seeking Susan), and Courtney B. Vance (Law & Order: Criminal Intent) star in this freaky and dirty dystopian tale with a conflicted identity. It takes several starts to get going- a disaster, credits, black outs, frenetic camera work, strobe lighting, and action that’s so fast the audience can’t tell what’s happening. Somber music notes capture the desolation as people go nuts early in this crappy, dusty basement; but these depressing montages conflict with the in your face photography. Everyone freaks out as expected, but one critical twist happens too early and is subsequently never touched upon again. Is this SF action or social serious? The Unrated Version may polish the character development, but it is frustrating to the viewer when the plot can go either way and there are two cuts of the film.  The two full hours here are both not enough thanks to the confusion and too long over the slow motion breakdown onscreen. I understand the attempt at substance, but the editing is poor and the plot unbalanced. It’s tough to tell who is who, and all the titular division, paranoia, and desperation can’t exactly be highly stylized with such dirty subject matter. The breakdown of an already fractured group of people is nicer than the herky jerky action start, but the story still degrades into mindless shock value and becomes forced as weak and crazy men create the need for an action woman and veiled political statements. The make up and plausible collapse of health and social systems may be good, but who wants to watch a disaster movie where the assholes end up in charge? This could have been a fine film, but even if a final explanation was given or the ball not dropped on such a significant twist, this one simply can’t end well. What’s an audience to do?

Evil Eyes – The writer-within-a-film-frame aspects of this 2004 thriller intrigued me, but considering it’s a video direct from that pesky low budget embarrassing genre grist mill The Asylum, one can’t expect glory. Already dated thanks to old cameras, phones, laptops, and headphones, the VHS and newspaper clippings in the plot further detract from this contemporary-set film and make it seem even more low budget old. Weird colors and dream photography, jagged angles, unflattering up shots, and music cues are a little too on the nose.  Several breakings of the fourth wall are also too obvious. Sure, the premise is a bit familiar, but it’s sound and doesn’t need all these over the top misses. Simple shots of a blank screen with a blinking cursor in the corner are chilling enough. Udo Kier (Shadow of the Vampire) is a perfectly slick and shady Hollywood executive, but Adam Baldwin (Firefly) is tough to believe as a down on his luck screenwriter to start. Somehow, we expect him to be bad or crazy not the everyman, and the character improves as the twisted action, suspicion, and madness intensify. Is it coincidence that he writes and bad things happen or is it fate? Unfortunately, there isn’t enough mood or atmosphere despite some good gore.  Except for overboard plugs for Dreamworks, the tone here is all about the on the cheap and it just doesn’t go far enough.  It’s not all bad, but everything turns out a little too trite with a dumb ending.

Jennifer’s Shadow – Also called Chronicles of the Raven stateside, this 2004 spooky has a lot going for it. Faye Dunaway (Mommie Dearest) looks classy as always and has fun with all the freaky birds and macabre. The music is moody, adding to the disturbing atmosphere and scary night terrors. Although a full on gothic feeling might have been better served had this been a complete period piece, silent, demented action and chase scenes build the sinister intensity.  The language beats, however, feel weird. There’s a stilted English and Spanish mix that should have been one or the other, not a “No habla espanol bien” bumbling. We never get a real Argentine flavor, either. The dark photography and muted palette are also tough to see at times, and the audience can figure out the curse exposition and obvious twists before their fairly late appearances.  Nonetheless, all that could have been forgiven except for one major pitfall: Gina Philips (Jeepers Creepers) is a completely unfeeling and unlikable ‘pretty American girl in a foreign country’ waste on two legs. Not only is there an additional lookalike cliché tacked on, but thru either bad acting or poor scripting, the audience can’t like such a bitchy and selfish protagonist.  It’s tough to enjoy a film when you want something bad to happen to the lead! There are great surroundings here to chew on, and one really wants to like this little thriller. However, the ridiculous characterization does not make it easy.

The Wicker Tree – A chaste Christian couple from Texas (Brittania Nicol and Henry Garrett) is thrust into the naughty Scottish countryside for this 2011 revisit of The Wickerman. Our young leads lay it on thick with some annoyingly bad acting, and though creepy, Jacqueline Leonard (EastEnders) and Graham McTavish (The Hobbit) simply aren’t as juicy as Christopher Lee was in the original. Sub par cast notwithstanding, the very premise from writer and director Robin Hardy (also of the original) feels off. The young missionaries are written as brainwashed by their religion, too naive to live, and almost deserving of the mocking of their beliefs. Then the preachy pendulum beats the viewer over the head with evidence of how most Christian elements grew from pagan roots, making this not-a-sequel potentially offensive to audiences on either side of the fence. Both cultures are portrayed as oppressive or negative throughout the film, and the mix of country sassy turned gospel turned Celtic music also won’t be for everyone. The ridiculous subtitles during a sex scene and weak TnA here barely earn an R rating, too.  Lee’s brief appearance does add a touch of class; his voice carries a wonderful alluring question- but it isn’t enough. Likewise, the scares and sinister in the final act here can’t redeem all simply because we know what’s going to happen. Rightly or wrongly, this one makes more statements than modern run of the mill slashers, and perhaps it isn’t that bad in and of itself. Unfortunately, it’s just not the original.

And Do Avoid

Bride of Chucky – I thought this 1998 sequel was more recent that it actually is, and the dated music and fashion really shows. While Brad Dourif (Lord of the Rings) as the voice of Chucky is always fun, the line up of Jennifer Tilly (Bound), the late John Ritter (Three’s Company), and a very young Katherine Heigl (Grey’s Anatomy) is also too of the nineties, and the entire horror comedy plot turn comes off as a little impractical to say the least. It’s a little weird that we’re watching two dolls arguing- or worse, having sex! Tilly keeps it bemusing, but if you want true scares instead of puns, this tone just doesn’t work. Perhaps Bride isn’t a bad film on its own, and at the time, it was a good way to revitalize the Child’s Play franchise with a gimmick towards the follow up Seed of Chucky. However, the series has nonetheless ended up in direct to video and reboot territory, having traded in its original childhood fears for self-referential stupidity.

Nightwatch (1997)

Nightwatch A Creepy and Twisted Little Gem

By Kristin Battestella

I don’t remember exactly how I stumbled upon the 1997 morgue fest Nightwatch.  It was probably late at night and I must have been alone, for it scared the crap out of me!

Law student Martin Bells (Ewan McGregor) is hired as the over night security guard at a morgue- much to his girlfriend Katherine’s (Patricia Arquette) chagrin. Martin’s best friend James (Josh Brolin), however, couldn’t be more amused, and he uses the freaky and morbid aspects of Martin’s job to cause trouble and tease young prostitutes when he’s supposed to be taking the next step with his girlfriend Marie (Lauren Graham).  Unfortunately, a series of sick and brutal killings lead Inspector Thomas Cray (Nick Nolte) and his deputy Bill Davis (John C. Reilly) to the morgue- and all their evidence points to Martin.

Morgues, serial killers, necrophilia- Director Ole Bornedal (I am Dina) has all kinds of juicy and freaky to toy with in this his own remake of 1994’s Nattevagten.  The atmosphere starts on the creepy early and keeps the suspense tight with dark scenery and chilling isolation. Even with some humor, fun naughty, and a touch of coming of age tossed into the spooky, there’s plenty of real world fear to match- marriage issues, fear of life after college, losing buddies over dames. It all helps to keep the characters believable even if some of the story’s cracks show.   Indeed, there are a few flaws in the plot and pacing- careful viewers might suspect or solve the criminal twists pretty quickly- and the scares really only work on the first virgin viewing.  Having said that, there are still plenty unique and morbid thrills, joys in spotting the clues, and jump in your seat delights here for repeat viewings.

Even as Obi Wan Kenobi in the three Star Wars prequels, it seems Ewan McGregor never plays the same character twice, and his effortless style makes it quite easy to get behind our naïve and unassured college hipster Martin. We’ve all been there- wanting to have fun while trying to also take life head on and being torn between wants and obligations.  McGregor balances the seriousness smartly with the fun and kinky- in large part also thanks to his onscreen pal, Josh Brolin. Brolin (No Country for Old Men) is quite a creep in Nightwatch, poking fun at the morgue, disrespecting the dead, and speculating on the nasty crimes taking place.  We want to like him, but he’s looking for thrills and excess in all the wrong places and taking Martin down with him.  It’s not an easy part to play, but we feel for him and thus put out the sympathy because Brolin keeps the honesty and torment real.  Nick Nolte (Affliction) is also juicy good fun as the slightly askew Inspector on the case, and John C. Reilly (Boogie Nights) is also a treat as his quirky deputy.

I haven’t really seen enough of either lady to make a true assessment, but I do know Patricia Arquette (Medium) is a little annoying as Martin’s girlfriend Katherine.  This is a horror movie, we need to have opposing chicks or damsels in distress- and that is largely the roles Arquette and Lauren Graham (Gilmore Girls) play.  They are okay, I suppose, but the scenes without them are better.  Nightwatch is not meant to be a chick flick. In fact, due to the twisted nature of the crimes at hand, some aspects are even a little sexist- the use and abuse of prostitutes, feminine subservience, and marriages being anti freedom talk don’t help the ladies shine here.  Fortunately, Brad Dourif (Lord of the Rings) is always cool and fittingly freaky as a feisty nighttime mortician.

Thankfully, mood and atmosphere also add a wonderfully scary layer to the film. Yes, the ideas of solitary, dark morgues are bad enough, but Nightwatch looks scary, with lots of tricks, smoke and mirrors, creepy things in jars- all the little things that go a long way in establishing a real world, natural spooky.  The audience is prepped and tingly for violent action sequences, real scares, silly scares, sexy humor, and sex disturbia yet its all mere deceptions, only hints of sex and blood. Despite all the nasty matters at hand, we only actually see some brief nudity, pre and post naughty, or implied twistedness and gore.  The sick implications of what we think has happened gets us all psyched out- leaving Nightwatch in our minds long after the viewing.

Suffice to say, Nightwatch is not really for family audiences, and it may even gross out some hardened adults thanks to the necrophilia implications and other ill subject matter. Fans of the cast, however, can certainly enjoy, along with mystery or suspense lovers and subtle horror viewers alike. But of course, there are several varying DVD versions and director’s editions for completists to research, and purists may still prefer the original Danish production.  Thankfully, you can find some low price copies or rental options and get your freak on with Nightwatch any time of year.