Tales from the Crypt Season 5

Star Studded Tales from the Crypt Season 5 Remains Memorable

by Kristin Battestella

The Fall 1993 Fifth Season of Tales from the Crypt is a star studded season full of familiar faces and frights to remember beginning with Tim Curry (Clue) and Ed Begley, Jr. (She-Devil) in “Death of Some Salesmen.” Our unscrupulous cemetery plot salesman snoops in the obituaries, preying on old widows like Yvonne De Carlo (The Munsters) with a rural, door to door con as the humorous winks, overalls, and southern gentility contrast the risque sex, bloody secrets, and murderous traps. Headless revelations offer a quirky, if disturbing grain of truth on swindling salesmen getting what they deserve, but the revolting comeuppance had both me and my husband gagging and laughing at the same time. Our Crypt Keeper host is taking calls on KDOA Radio as Hector Elizondo (Chicago Hope) suspects young wife Patsy Kensit (Full Eclipse) of having an affair in director Kyle Maclachlan's (Twin Peaks) “As Ye Sow.” Unfortunately, Adam West's (Batman) upscale surveillance firm says she does nothing but go to church everyday – to a controversial priest tossed from his last parish. Debates on the church as living organ, throbbing with his flock in his arms provide juicy winks as the power of suggestion has our paranoid husband fearing betrayal and jumping to the wrong conclusion. An unreliable point of view imaging what's going on in the confessional makes for a controversial mix of sacrilegious horror, but it's cheaper to hire hit men than get a divorce. War photographers Steve Buscemi (Boardwalk Empire) and Roger Daltry (Highlander: The Series) likewise fight over Lysette Anthony (Dracula: Dead and Loving It) in “Forever Ambergris” while The Keeper himself shoots for Vicghoulia's Secret. Anything can happen during this Central America assignment, and villages contaminated with germ warfare create an elevated dramatic mood amid macho guns versus the camera, mercenaries, and screaming convulsions. Bubbling flesh, oozing blood, squishing eyeballs – what's a little imbued chemicals once you steal the award winning photographs and get the girl?

In “Two for the Show” bored, adulterous wife Traci Lords (Cry Baby) wants more passion. However, her husband is worried her leaving will make him look bad at the corporate banquet, leading to strangulation, scissors, knife play, and stuffing the body into a bedside chest even if it just won't fit. Suspicious cops, dismemberment, and a heavy suitcase provide suspense with shades of Hitchcock in the overhead parallels and two shots of men on a train hypothetically debating about killing their wives. The crime has already been committed, yet there's a classy, potboiler tense to the garbage disposal twists. Of course, the audience is on trial with the barrister wig wearing 'Honorable Judge Crypt Keeper' presiding over “House of Horror” as Wil Wheaton (Star Trek: The Next Generation), Kevin Dillon (Entourage), Brian Krause (Sleepwalkers), and more eighties teens are all grown up and trying to join the fraternity with paddles, humiliation, kneeling, and scrubbing dog poo with a toothbrush. The sister house is here for their final initiation at a haunted fraternity house with a murderous past, and one by one the plebs must make it to the attic with all the tricks, gags, screams, chainsaws, and turnabouts along the way. Assistant Maryam d'Abo (Bond Girls Are Forever) is unhappy when magician Billy Zane's (Dead Calm) show isn't a success in “Well Cooked Hams.” While The Crypt Keeper is taking French lessons for his trip to 'gay Scaree,' the turn of the century magic scene is cutthroat and our magician will kill to get ahead when not stealing the Box of Death trick from fellow hunchback illusionist Martin Sheen (The West Wing). Inserted knives, sulfuric acid, burning ropes, and handcuffs add to the magic rivalry and period mood as the disguises, reflections, and smoke and mirrors leave the audience screaming. The difference, you see, is in not when the crowd is aware of the ruse but when they actually believe it. Slick Anthony Michael Hall (The Breakfast Club) tries to outwit the mummy legends and sacrificed princesses in “Creep Course,” however his attempt to steal the mid-term answers leads to statues, tombs, torches, and a sarcophagus from the professor's private collection – courtesy of some grave robbing family history. The jocks versus academia double crossing twists provide gross embalming techniques, through the nose icky, and projectile vomiting for a fun atmosphere with good old fashioned wrappings in contemporary mummy spins.

Big CK is a flight attendant on Tales from the Crypt Scarelines for “Came the Dawn,” but the bimbo in the bathroom and the bloody ax murderer have other dismembering ideas. Good thing suave in his Porsche Perry King (Melrose Place) picks up broke down Brooke Shields (The Blue Lagoon), taking her to his cabin on a stormy night – after stopping for oysters and champagne, of course. Medieval décor with executioner artifacts and weapons accent opera, fireside candlelit dinners, and jewels. Unfortunately, tales of adultery begat black stockings bondage interrupted by an ex-girlfriend shouting at the door. Wise Tales from the Crypt viewers will figure out what's happening easily thanks to taxidermy and ladies clothing in the closet. However, that obvious doesn't make the revealing attacks any less chilling. Con artist couple Lou Diamond Phillips (La Bamba) and Priscilla Presley (Dallas) dig up their buried alive cohort and the money with him in “Oil's Well That Ends Well” – a fellow con who happens to be the man behind the Crypt Keeper John Kassir in his only onscreen Tales from the Crypt appearance. She wants another con and shows her authority at the rowdy bar, taking on the nasty boys with a great speech on how strong women are called bitches, screwed, fucked, and screwed again. Oil claims help swindle the local rednecks into drilling under the graveyard, with explosions and self-referential quips setting off the who's screwing whom. More bemusing dialogue mixed with suspense and surreal shootouts elevate “Till Death Do We Part.” Although this is another crime drama and love triangle more about violence than horror, gigolo John Stamos (Full House) and mob dame Eileen Brennan (Clue) provide diamonds, dice, jazz clubs, and saucy betrayals – leading to limos in the woods with guns, bodies in the trunk, rubber aprons, and axes. Crook Robert Picardo (Star Trek: Voyager) is just so polite in making the vomiting, fainting lady stand up and watch the quartering! Our KRPT sportscaster Crypt Keeper, meanwhile, is on the radio with the World Scaries featuring the Fright Sox versus the Boo Jays. Which team will keep their winning shriek alive?

This is a short, mostly solid season, however, there are a few less than stellar episodes of Tales from the Crypt such as Ernie Hudson's (Ghostbusters) “Food for Thought” with its carnival warped, saucy dessert metaphors, and perverted quid pro quo abuses between a mind reading couple. The racial implications among the freaks, conjoined twin ladies naked in the shower, illicit fire eater romance, and a jealous girl gorilla make for fiery consequences, yet the revenge is thin, with most of the circus designs just for show. The fourth and ghoul Crypt Keeper quarterback also can't save the uneven crimes in director Russell Mulcahy's (Highlander 2) “People Who Live in Brass Hearses.” Violent ex-con Bill Paxton (Aliens) and simpleton younger brother Brad Dourif (Child's Play) are out for revenge, harassing the suspicious ice cream truck driver before bloody hooks, murderous mishaps, gory gunshots, and safe cracking gone awry. There are some twists, but the sardonic humor and quirky characters can't carry the heist amid unenjoyable outbursts and obnoxiousness. Ghoulish bodies, morgue drawers, and colorful goo open “Half-Way Horrible” and the Keeper is shrinking heads in the dryer at his scare salon while a detective asks Clancy Brown (Highlander) about his chemical company's proprietary ingredients. These rare herbs were of course stolen in the jungle amid tribal drums, native secrets, and zombie rituals. Voodoo dolls come back to haunt the corrupt chemist, and once again it's just rich white guys learning the err of their appropriating ways – told from the sympathetic point of view of said rich white guys. It's not surprising and doesn't make us feel bad when he gets his due. As The Keeper says, 'he needed to learn rot from wrong a little fester.'

Fortunately, old fashioned kitchens, cameo jewelry, and country strings accent the rural settings of these tales again based on Haunt of Fear, Tales from the Crypt, Vault of Horror, Shock SuspenStories, and Crime SuspenStories. Cha-ching money sounds, stormy nights, and other audio bells and whistles set off the vintage video, VCRs, old televisions, giant tape reels, transistor radios, huge ass car phones, and hi tech nineties corporate contrasting the old school noir, file folders, and black and white photographs. Warped camera angles, dark lighting, shadow schemes, and colorful touches keep the on location production values top notch amid effective jungle horrors, gross make up, blood, and disturbing gore. Downtrodden circus tents and lanterns provide golden Victorian patinas while haunted houses and cobwebs create congested scares. Train tensions begat outdoor ominous and penultimate zombie gross, and though front loaded with juicy nudity, later in the season the steamy lingerie isn't as important as the swanky bling, period costumes, or Egyptian motifs. Tales from the Crypt's horror prosthetics really allow the cast per episode to sink their teeth into the role or multiple roles whether playing to or against type. Tales from the Crypt Season Five starts strong with some of the series' finest humor and horror with sardonic sexiness and star studded scares. This shorter year shines with relatively few poor outings – a precursor to today's brief, quickly digestible fall horror and anthology seasons. Tales from the Crypt Season Five is a creepy, fast marathon for Halloween or anytime of year.

Stars Do 70s Horror!

Stars Do 70s Horror!

By Kristin Battestella

Often at the cusp of their fame – or sometimes at the end of it – film and television stars could frequently be found in the bowels of seventies saucy, scary, and exploitative horror movie making. Here’s a quick list of before they were famous actors and classic elder statesmen dabbling with the creepy and demonic.

Daughters of Satan – A pre-Magnum P.I. Tom Selleck stars in this 1972 art meets torment tale full off kinky nudity and rituals, sunshiny classic cars, early seventies fashions, creepy antiques, and of course, mustaches. Although the dated, stereotypical action chases and twangy music are a little over the top, the Manila locations are jungle exotic enough for the danger but also fun and unique. Sickly, mousy housewife Barra Grant (Love Hurts) is somewhat annoying to start, but likewise she gets creepier as the plot grows stranger – from dogs coming out of freaky paintings and knife wielding housekeepers to witchy apparitions and ornery widows. The fire and red symbolism matches the crosses, inquisition, whips, evil numbers, and other religious imagery as the disbelieving coven talk and ancestral connections mount. It is tough, however, to see some of the Christian desecration portrayed, and most of the plot points are quite goofy if you think too much. The poor night photography and occasionally off film speed may be amusing as well, but fortunately, there is enough suspense, boobs, sauce, occult  twists, and ironic Magnum similarities to be entertained here.

Dead of Night – This 1977 TV movie anthology from Dark Shadows director Dan Curtis makes for a very atmospheric and eerie trio. Longtime fans will hear pieces of Robert Cobert’s Dark Shadows music motifs, and the opening narration introduces the spooky in over the top but solid fashion. I actually kind of like that there is no frame story attempting to tie these offbeat tales together – even if it means a shorter 75 minute run time.  Despite his touch too heavy-handed inner monologue, Ed Begley Jr. (St. Elsewhere) anchors the first story “Second Chances” along with cool classic cars and bizarre time twists. “No Such Thing as a Vampire” adds some bloody fun thanks to Patrick Macnee (The Avengers), Elisha Cook Jr. (House on Haunted Hill), demented Victorian brooding, and all around period charm. The final tale “Bobby” is a wonderfully warped and scary mix of occult, death, and thunderstorms – with Joan Hackett (Will Penny) and Lee Montgomery (Burnt Offerings) playing out the violence, creepy, and secrets in a sweet looking mod house.  I know I’ve been fairly short but it helps to go into anthologies like this relatively cold. All scripting here is by the late Richard Matheson (The Twilight Zone), too, so fans of similar, chilling tales like Trilogy of Terror will have a good time.

How Awful About Allan – Joan Hackett strikes again alongside Anthony Perkins and the late Julie Harris (The Haunting) in this Aaron Spelling produced  and Curtis Harrington directed (What’s the Matter with Helen?) 1970 television film from writer Henry Farrell (Whatever Happened to Baby Jane?). The suspense gets right to it with a fire, screaming, survivor guilt, resentment, and hysterical blindness. The intriguing, disorienting, blurry film focus and dark camera photography match Perkins’ sightless actions and mannerisms as his eponymous victim becomes obsessed with trying to prove his new, unseen roommate wants to do him harm. Yes, the Victorian house and post-institution, possibly crazy reclusiveness will seem too obviously Psycho to some viewers, but the increasingly angry tape recordings, crazy carness, heavy music, and scary whispers provide plenty of fearful spin. Retro décor and old, wintry styles accent the seemingly sunshiny household, but the nighttime paranoia and scary inability to see intensifies the strange noises and point of view eerie. Why aren’t there more visually impaired horror protagonists? This tiny 73 minutes makes you love your glasses a little more! Though not billed as a horror movie per se and the end loses a touch, this taut thriller has all the suspense, lightning, creepy family implications, and desperation needed. 

Lady Frankenstein – I’m not normally a fan of classic film star Joseph Cotton (Citizen Kane), but his blend of grave robbing, unethical desperation, and father/daughter compassion is perfect for this 1971 Italian twist on the Shelley theme. “Man’s will be done,” Cotton says, but it is Rosalba Neri (99 Women) doing the titular monstrous mayhem, evil deeds, and uniquely saucy spins instead of just being the cliché horror victim or resurrected bride. Ethical debates about money, man, and God accentuate dialogue of radical Victorian science and a woman’s place in the medical profession. The gothic mood, snow, and firelight work wonderfully with the cool mad scientist laboratory – complete with clockworks, bubbling Rube Goldbergs, and perfectly timed thunder and lightning of course. Ugly blood, surgeries, and reanimated monsters smartly contrast the feminine wiles; the progression of the experiments and escalation of the monstrosities are well paced, too. Though the sound is poor and I would have liked more of Mickey Hargitay (Will Success Spoil Rock Hunter?) as the deducing inspector on the crimes, this is a good looking, well done film. Unfortunately, there are various editions in need of a proper restoration – including an edited 85 minute print in the public domain and a longer 90 minute plus Shout Factory release splicing together several foreign versions. Perhaps this isn’t as depraved as we might expect nowadays and a little too quick toward the finale, but this macabre period delight is worth the pursuit.  

 

And for Some Lighthearted Fun!

Young Frankenstein – “It’s Fronkensteen!” This all in good, spooky fun 1974 Mel Brooks and Gene Wilder (Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory) romp has all the subtle quips, dialogue jokes, Glenn Miller winks, accent twists, bad puns, funny asides, and physical comedy gags for which one could ask in homage to the Universal greats. So what if it isn’t all that scary? Dynamite co-stars Madeline Kahn (Clue), Terri Garr (Tootsie), Peter Boyle (Everybody Loves Raymond), Marty Feldman (Yellowbeard), and Gene Hackman (The French Connection) deliver the wit to match the black and white mood, angry village mob, and stormy atmosphere. Cloris Leachman (The Last Picture Show) is the most fun I think, “Ovaltine?” The colorless photography, updated mad scientist labs, vintage equipment, gothic castle designs, and period costumes all invoke this ode to thirties horror perfectly – not bad for a $2 million budget! – and early filmmaking techniques and acting mannerisms are played for both humor and authenticity. I’m not really a Brooks fan beyond Dracula: Dead and Loving It and Robin Hood: Men in Tights, and I wonder if the fine story, well paced scenes, smooth plot progression, and fun finale here isn’t due to his not being onscreen and Wilder’s co-writing. Why aren’t more films made this way, and what would have happened if this had been a straight, full on scary tale? Some comedy audiences may be disappointed by the lack of laugh out loud, riotous moments here, but hysteria isn’t really the point either. Although being familiar with the classic Frankenstein features helps in getting all the jokes, the entire family can get behind this cute, charming, star-studded terror tribute.

 

Voyager Season 3

Voyager  Season 3 Getting Good

By Kristin Battestella

After two lackluster seasons of Star Trek: Voyager, Year 3 adds some quality guests, Original Series feelings, and fine two-parters for a not too bad little season. Eureka!

Captain Katherine Janeway (Kate Mulgrew) and the crew of the stranded in the Delta Quadrant USS Voyager leave their Kazon enemies behind while Vulcan Lieutenant Tuvok (Tim Russ), pilot Tom Paris (Robert Duncan McNeil) and Talaxian chef Neelix (Ethan Phillips) encounter previous friends and foes. Time travel, Ferengi, and the Borg don’t make Voyager’s long journey home any easier, either. However, Voyager’s holographic Doctor (Robert Picardo) soon has life altering experiences of his own, as does half-Klingon Chief Engineer B’Elanna Torres (Roxann Dawson) and the growing psychic Kes (Jennifer Lien).

“Basics Part II” is a nice little season opener, with ship intrigue, love to hate comeuppance for Martha Hackett as turncoat Seska, and primitive planet fun.I’m so glad to be done with Kazon, too.  After all, lingering on these factions just keeps a ship that is supposed to be moving at warp speed too stagnant, but thankfully, those impracticalities are replaced by solid SF adventure. The fine action and quality moments for Robert Picardo’s Doctor and returning guest star Brad Dourif might be resolved a bit too easily, but everything serves its purpose here.  Of course, too many frickin’ humanoid looking aliens with assorted forehead motifs and the Harry and Tom prison buddy episode “The Chute” hamper a bit of Season 3’s steam.  We haven’t seen that before, nope.  Again, these rehashings can just be too jarring and remove the hard built fantasy. Fortunately, touches of return to form Trek in “Flashback” are wonderful thanks to Tuvok and our Excelsior favorites. Okay, so it’s an obvious concept, but this re-watch, I’m enjoying Tuvok’s long-lived Vulcan dilemmas and adventure the most.  “Alter Ego” and “Blood Fever” also wonderfully explore the ship and family camaraderie versus holodeck solitude – especially when that inevitable Pon Farr comes around.  “Displaced” gives all the players their moments, complete with invasion, sabotage, and new action in the Delta Quadrant. It’s fast paced, has lots of quality effects and landscapes, and should be the ideal Voyager adventure.

It’s so nice to see all these fine character storylines mixed with good science fiction concepts, interesting themes, and heavy statements! Robert Picardo is again lovely in “The Swarm,” and the lightheartedness of “False Profits” matches with the heavy for Roxann Dawson’s B’Elanna Torres in “Remember.”  “Future’s End I and II” have fun time travel, top-notch action, a sweet Sarah Silverman (Wreck It Ralph), and a sleazy Ed Begley Jr. (St. Elsewhere). What’s not to love? One might joke that the entire reason for this double plot was to get The Doctor unrestricted from sickbay, but Voyager could have had more episodes dealing with the technological woes and abduction paranoia here. Imagine if Voyager and her crew were stuck in the right place but the wrong time for four or six episodes! Naturally, it wouldn’t be Voyager without a few loose bottle shows like “Macrocosm.”  Your ship is adrift with no sign of crew, an alien is afoot, and the holographic doctor is the last person you seek? This type of plot hole and iffy M.O. are those little holes that more often than not sink Voyager’s ship. Thankfully, Mulgrew is again delightful as Captain Janeway. Though I did like the bun, the Captain has literally let her hair down this season, and this ponytail in some small way signifies her distance from Starfleet and warms up Voyager. “Sacred Ground” does reach a little in its religious ideas with double talk and that anti-religion Star Trek feeling, but it is a solid Janeway exploration, and “Coda” is also a lovely Janeway retrospective. Bemusing spectacles with guests John de Lancie and Suzy Plakson also accent the historical action serious for Janeway in “The Q and the Grey.”    

Despite the significant improvements early on in Season 3, some characters are still showing their weaknesses, Robert Beltran’s Commander Chakotay and Jennifer Lien as Kes among them.  Ironically, “Sacred Ground” also has a strange misuse of Chakotay. After having Native American beliefs as his only attempts at character development, it’s odd that he is disbelieving his captain’s leap of faith instead of being spiritually interested. “Unity” begins as another pull the wool over on Chakotay show; however, it is a smart introduction to the Borg on Voyager. Is this separated collective doing its forced will for good any better than the assimilation and destruction of the standard Borg variety?  The debate here is just right, unlike some of the overused Borg complaints that plaque Voyager later in the series. “Distant Origins” and “Displaced” are also a fine pair discussing Delta Quadrant evolution from multiple angles. Who’s in the right place or the wrong way? We would think it would be Janeway tackling these strong SF spins and big character conversations, but it’s some of Chakotay’s best here. He’s not duped, speaks honestly, has all the facts, and tries to help someone. It seems corny, even insulting, that his finest is opposite talking reptiles. However, the advanced dinosaur concepts aren’t hokey at all – the science and effects look good. “Warlord” is a familiar tale with lots to chew, but it is a good break from the Kes routine before the weird long hairstyle and pseudo rebellious teen years hamper “Darkling,” which is otherwise owned by the Doctor gone crazy.  Somehow, the Ocampa go from nice little imps or elves to long blonde poofy and tight clothes hoochie. What happened?  

Thankfully, “False Profits” is good fun for Ethan Phillps’ Neelix. Even if you don’t love Ferengi humor and the reliance on Alpha Quadrant stories, the set ups are solid, the tie-ins are necessary to attract Trek fans back to Voyager, and Ethan Phillips always makes it worthwhile. By contrast, “Fair Trade” is a surprisingly dark Neelix foray – though I don’t want him to get too dark. His humor and softness is needed if everyone else is going to get heavy. I’m surprised there is never a mention of Tuvix, but Neelix and Tuvok are wonderful together in “Rise,” too. This episode reminded me a lot of Blake’s 7, and I kind of like the idea of Voyager as being confined, suspicious, full of dilemmas, pointing fingers, and arguing. The show pacings and occasional script confusions can make the series uneven, but the cast of Voyager is capable of this kind of meaty material. “Real Life” is another standout delight for the Doctor, but his plot is hurt by a meaningless phenomena B story.  

Some of the B’Elanna Torres meets Pon Farr twists feel a bit forced in “Blood Fever” as well, even if the Paris/Torres suggestions are intriguing. Their potential implications are done much better in the pleasantly backward “Before and After.”  This might be the first serious science fiction on Voyager. I kept asking myself, ‘How far is this going to go?’ Unfortunately, Garrett Wang’s Ensign Harry Kim gets the short end of the stick again in “Favorite Son.”  Harry being connived by women and wanted for sex is just a bit pretentious, and the copulation is all just a little too weird. At best, Harry solo episodes just aren’t that interesting. I’d much rather see an alien character slowly being diseased toward losing his alien makeup to become the human actor beneath the mask. Why fall back on evil sexy aliens? “Worst Case Scenario” provides these nice what could have been explorations thanks to a mutinous holodeck simulation gone awry. However, by the end of Season 3, it feels like we simply don’t see as much Tuvok or Paris.  Fortunately, everyone is on the same page and working together in the solid “Scorpion” finale. 

Voyager Season 3 is better than I originally remember. It’s faster and stepped up compared to the meandering first two seasons. In seeing this season now, one almost wonders why they changed things further for Year 4. Perhaps that forward movement was the natural progression of the quality created here, and the cliffhanger finale necessitates the continuation to Season 4.  One of this season’s few faults is the fact that it is not a self-contained year.  Were this pre and post not the case, new audiences could begin Voyager here. If the show had started with this new, exciting, fresh presentation and forward motivation, there would have been no need to change the series’ tone halfway thru.  Long time SF fans can delight in Voyager’s kicked up style, and new viewers or returning Star Trek fans can enjoy this largely unfettered Season 3.

Fall Horror 2012

More Horror and Macabre This Fall!

By Kristin Battestella

Turn the clocks back, rake the leaves, bake some apple pie, and carve the pumpkins! Oh, it isn’t really Fall? Who cares! We can make do with some good ole fashion scary movies! 

The Dunwhich Horror – Producer Roger Corman (House of Usher), director Daniel Haller (Die, Monster, Die!), and Oscar winning writer Curtis Hanson (L.A. Confidential) smartly build an H.P. Lovecraft inspired plot for the creepish Dean Stockwell (Quantum Leap), innocent Sandra Dee (A Summer Place), and crusty old Best Supporting Actor Ed Begley (Sweet Bird of Youth) in this 1970 AIP oddity.  Although the flashback exposition could have created a longer labor opening and it’s all more low budget looking than even more low budget AIP fair, the Necronomicon plot and ancient sinister feeling amid the then contemporary setting move swiftly for 90 minutes.  The eerie town history, Corman-esque dreams and visions, assorted color slides, and jaded camera angles more than set the scene- letting the audience know that something Cthulhu is afoot. The suggestion and innuendo before full outright kinky are also pleasing, even if some sequences may seem hokey today or not as juicy as other seventies horror pictures. The viewer knows what virgin sacrifices and naughty rituals are brewing; we needn’t be inundated with the modern meaningless slice and dice. Perhaps it’s all too easy and a little predictable now, but this is an entertaining chase nonetheless.  

Frankenstein and the Monster from Hell – Peter Cushing returns for this 1974 finale in the Hammer Frankenstein series along with Shane Briant (Captain Kronos- Vampire Hunter), Madeline Smith (The Vampire Lovers), David Prowse (Vader, people, Vader) and oft director Terence Fisher in his last helming hurrah.  Though Smith’s role is diminished as the typical silent angel, Briant seems to be grooming for a seventies spinoff with a doe eyed look and shades of the young Cushing. However, the Baron is simply irreplaceable, entering amid a weird prison hose down with such horror class. And he does his own stunts! How does PC keep the glory thru all these crimes, aliases, and franchise inconsistencies? The burned hands are back, some plotlines feel like a bit of a retread, and man, that’s a bad wig.  After six films, things play out as expected- minus a good, sinister build. Slow, step-by-step experiments take up too much time. Where’s the music or crackling mad scientist machinery and flair? The titular monster design is also iffy, though the overall décor looks the part. It’s colorful, with a creepy madhouse prison and some gore, but there’s less gothic ambiance compared to earlier entries. It’s all a step down to end the franchise, yes. However, Cushing completists and fans of the series can delight in the final act here. The Baron’s still twisted, dining and living without a care as to the brain nearby!

From a Whisper to a Scream – The great, freaky heartbeat intro and weird shower and bridal montage set the tone for this 1987 anthology, and a very creepy mood and spooky house establish the execution and evil town bookends well. Of course, there isn’t enough of horror host Vincent Price and he does look somewhat frail. Nonetheless, Big V’s delivery is still raspy robust, and he commands an element of uncanny class with his young reporter guest, the late Susan Tyrrell (Cry-Baby). Perhaps tame today, Clu Gulager (Return of the Living Dead) leads the sexy and gory first segment with kinks and twists. Tale Two offers greedy Terry Kiser (Weekend at Bernie’s) with a gruesome and bizarre backwater witchdoctor vibe, and the third story is a would be demented county fair with sexy sauce, voodoo dolls, plenty of blood, and lots of titular screaming. If anyone has ever thought about eating glass, this is a good deterrent!  The final Civil War tale serves up some very disturbing little kids, and they’re not afraid to whack a soldier in the mouth with a femur-or worse. It sounds crazy, perhaps even stupid and ripped off from other cult children films, but Lordy! Besides the evil town implication, the stories here are a little uneven in theme and design with little cohesion. Each is slow to start with poor pacing until the kickers and the style is almost too eighties dated to enjoy the bloody- almost. Thankfully, the good scares and twists make this one worth a look.

Murders in the Rue Morgue – This 1971 AIP adaptation departs from the Edgar Allan Poe source with a Phantom of the Opera theatrical-before-horror spin, fun carnival music, bright outdoor scenery, and vaudeville color.  Unfortunately, the French signals are mixed, the ape effects poor, and there isn’t a lot of gothic mood. Oscar winner Jason Robards (All the President’s Men and Julia) also feels too old for the role, with a dry, phoned in performance; and the can-can temptations are tame today. The 98 minute extended version also takes a little too long to find the meat of its tale and feels uneven with slow play within a play sequences. Thankfully, there are good looking ladies- Christine Kaufmann (The Last Days of Pompeii), Lili Palmer (But Not For Me), and Maria Perschy (Freud)- fine costumes, and lush Victorian décor.  The frenetic intercutting of song and dance with crime works in tandem with first-rate dream sequences, eerie timing, and askew filming angles. The flashbacks create a murder mystery theme and kinship to the Poe inspirations, too. It’s not all as good as it should be, and outside of a few beheadings, it’s not that scary. Nevertheless, the joy here is in the period thriller rather than any expected gothic horror, and quiet horror viewers and turn of the century mystery audiences will delight.

A Cat People Trio!

Cat People (1942), Cat People (1944), Cat People (1982)!!!

By Kristin Battestella and Leigh Wood

Cough up your hairballs, sit back, and lick your paws for not just one, but three chances at feline mayhem: the 1942 classic Cat People, its 1944 sequel The Curse of the Cat People, and the update of the original Cat People (1982).  Meow!

Lonely and new to America, Serbian fashion designer Irena (Simone Simon) meets Oliver Reed (Kent Smith) at the zoo.  Though they are quickly in love, Irena fears the legend of her people- ancient stories of witches and evil folk who escaped the wrath of Serbian King John by turning into panther like cats.  Despite her hesitancy, Irena and Oliver marry, even though his co-worker Alice (Jane Rudolph) is also in love with Oliver.  Seeing psychiatrist Dr. Judd (Tom Conway) doesn’t help Irena overcome her cat obsessions, and she becomes increasingly jealous of Alice.  Will her anger and passion unleash the evil she fears lies dormant within her?

The direction from Jacques Tourneur (I Walked with a Zombie, The Comedy of Terrors) is as near perfect as your going to find in forties horror- that’s forties horror produced by Val Lewton (Bedlam, The Body Snatcher), mind you. Complete with a great psychological debate on fear and belief versus real world facts, the audience still doesn’t believe we’re going to see a woman who becomes a cat despite Irena’s rising suspicions regarding her feline tendencies. Everyone tells her it’s all in her mind, there there Irena needs help.  Why not believe her?  When we do see all the creepy implications thanks to excellent use of shadow, lighting, great locations, and action photography, the suspense builds superbly in what we see, but don’t see, believe, but can’t believe.  This is film noir, right- not horror. But why can’t screenwriter DeWitt Bodeen’s (The Seventh Victim) tale be both? Of course, we know the effects in making things scary will be limited to the film making of the time, but the panther smoke and mirrors and actual cat uses are solid fun. All the suggestion and subterfuge needed is here, creating a highly stylized noir scare feature indeed. Even now, fifty years on when we know what is to happen, we are still surprised by the well-paced femme blend and sympathetic slinky.

Of course, Cat People also owes a lot of its heart to Simone Simon (Ladies in Love) and her wonderful performance. Irena is a lovely, adorable little gal, and we like her a lot. We feel for Irena when she’s afraid of an unseen badness inside her, and we still feel sorry for her when that feline itch rises to the surface.  Likewise, we’ve every reason to also love Jane Randolph (Abbott and Costello Meet Frankenstein) as the would be other woman we should hate.  It’s really almost a case of mistaken identity, the nice, good girl who’s bad inside going femme for femme against the bad girl who’s actually pretty good. Alice has also been a long suffering woman with a chance at happiness, and the sympathetic tug of war between the ladies makes for a great layer of friction amid the simply gorgeous costumes they get to wear! What lovely hats, pre war style, and class! The effortless way they handle cigarettes, strut suave with fur coats on their shoulders- the fashion and grace of the ladies adds another level of femininity and feline sexuality without being oversexed, obviously kinky or all out nudity in the way these things are meant to distract from the plotless horror of today.  The onscreen ladies are allowed to keep the sexy and be smart in examining power, feminine wiles, their loves, hidden lust- and it gives the audience choice, interaction, and juice.

Tom Conway (The Falcon’s Brother and George Sanders brother!) is a lot of fun as Dr. Judd, a man of his time who doesn’t believe the ladies’ preposterous evil notions but is drawn to the cat allure nonetheless. He’s the shrink, so we don’t doubt his intelligence or ability to help, but Conway looks very suave, almost too suave to be a doctor with his heart in the right place.  The stylized old school class, proper gloves, top hats, and a convenient cane with a sword go a long way in upping the peril, too. Kent Smith (The Spiral Staircase), however, is a little weak compared to the other players. Sure, he’s just a nice Average Joe and likeable guy, but almost too blandly so.  Oli’s meant to be a man’s man type, but it’s a little tough to believe he’d hold out while married to hot stuff Irena much less carry on an affair but not really an affair affair with Alice.  The focus on the ladies and the cat subterfuge emasculate our man in the middle and create a man of inaction.  It’s not that this is a bad thing; in fact, it’s a role reversal that was probably quite unexpected at the time.

Fortunately, Kent Smith, Jane Rudolph, and Simone Simon all return for Round Two in 1944 with The Curse of the Cat People.  Now that they are married, Oliver and Alice Reed fear for the strange behavior of their six-year-old daughter Amy (Ann Carter).  Amy doesn’t fit in with the other school children and spends her time on animals and imaginary fancies. After receiving a ring from a seemingly spooky old neighbor Mrs. Farren (Julia Dean), she wishes for a friend and encounters the ghostly Irena.

Little Ann Carter (I Married a Witch, The Two Mrs. Carrolls) is a dang cute addition and looks strangely enough like Simon to handle the cat connections. She’s also innocent, somewhat sad, and thus endearing despite this inexplicable turn from feline dangers to imaginary friends. Smith and Rudolph do loose more luster as well now that they are supposed to be Leave It to Beaver parents who end up arguing over the shadow of Irena. Simone Simon is of course again magical, even if she’s turned away from the feline wanton into some sort of medieval snow queen angel ghost.  Her wispy ghost is indeed heavenly!  Singer Sir Lancelot (The Ghost Ship) as the Reeds’ Jamaican servant Edward does a lovely job as well, but unfortunately, it’s a stereotypically of the time and thankless part.  Creepy Julia Dean (Nightmare Alley) is mystery worthy fun, too, but the would be dang decent cast can’t do very much with this bizarre new family friendly less femme cat direction.

The Curse of the Cat People isn’t a bad film, really it isn’t.  If you accept it as a nice family fancy snowy pseudo Christmas ghost story, it isn’t bad at all!   It just is emphatically not a horror movie or even remotely dark and spicy like its predecessor- which is probably what the returning audience from Cat People is expecting.  Though writer DeWitt Bodeen returns, two directors- newcomer Gunther von Fritsch (Snow Bear) and Oscar winner Robert Wise (The Sound of Music, wow) seem to have botched a few things up, namely the smooth, sexy, femme noir style of the original film.  The focus on the next generation necessitates things be tame, family not scary, and Curse plays more like a ghostly mystery with taunts, teasing, and the usual child troubles. Some of the mean school kids are a bit irritating, even if we’re supposed to care for onscreen children in peril, and the dated child acting may hinder some viewers more so than the complete sequel turnaround.  The snow scenery is also fake, and the house and garden set up is too television cardboard design, but the neighborhood haunted house looks good and creepy at least. Yes, Curse of the Cat People created an uphill battle for itself by deviating from the formula.  However, it’s also awesome to see a pre-war forties Christmas blended with all those faux winter bundle ups and long lady frocks that flow in almost medieval sweetness. Sigh.

But Thankfully, for once we have a very decent remake with 1982’s Cat People, this time starring Natassja Kinski as Irena Gallier, an orphaned young woman reuniting with her brother Paul, played by Malcolm McDowell.  Separated as children after the suicides of their circus performer parents, Paul mysteriously leaves Irena alone in New Orleans shortly after her arrival. Irena explores the city and takes a job at the local zoo with curator Oliver (John Heard) and his fellow zoologist Alice (Annette O’Toole).  Unfortunately, the zookeepers and their assistant Joe (Ed Begley, Jr.) have captured a very unruly black leopard.  Irena’s growing attraction to Oliver, the proximity of the big cats, and Paul’s strange desires, however, bring about certain changes in Irena’s clean cut behavior and cause her to question her family’s true, feline nature.

Director Paul Schrader (American Gigolo, Affliction) accentuates the great cat photography and animal camerawork with reds, warm colorings, and pops of cat eyes and eerie greens, creating a sensuous, sexy mood lit for ambiance- like a romantic dinner with neo noir mystery. This focus on the sexy is not the dark and sinister tone of a horror picture as we might expect. Cat People is naughty and freaky, with chills that turn on instead of going for all out scary. There is blood, yes, but its use is unexpected, again not in the repetitive ways of slasher sequels today.  The not often seen, but long suggested cat effects and animal transformations do the trick beautifully, allowing all the true feline frenzy to build for the final act.  All this latent leopard juice is of course heightened by the sweet, sweet theme music by David Bowie (newer audience will recognize its use in Inglourious Basterds), too. The intriguing back story of who all came to be cats or what it all exactly involves might be confusing in some spots, but enough of the tale is in place for the kinky debates. So, sex releases the animal in us? Killing while in cat form lets all the rage out and returns us to human form? It’s bizarre, and yet, there is a certain logic to the animal urges and innuendo. Why do we equate the feline ruthlessness with a misuse of femininity? How can we praise the beauty of powerful women yet fear and demonize the temptation it brings?

While some of the opening effects are a bit dated or low budget looking today and Cat People’s kinky start is a little slow and abstract, the naughty and natural feline dangers get going just fine and remain strong throughout the picture. In fact, we even feel some sympathy for these big cats being trapped in cages and misunderstood as to their conflicted needs. This lifestyle is, after all, perfectly natural to them.  Why do we resist it? Pieces and plot elements of Bodeen’s original 1942 script survive in Alan Ormsby’s (The Substitute) updated screenplay.  The feline pursuit with a Lewton bus trick and the subsequent pool sequence are a complete ode to the original Cat People- just there are a few more boobs tossed in here! Even with the delightfully smart use of skin, that same what you don’t see shadows and cat sounds suspense is allowed room to shine.  The various big cats used for Cat People, mostly black leopards but a few lions and tigers, are simply lovely indeed. Feline fans will both enjoy their spotlight and yet dislike all the cages, rage, and violent portrayals.  These pesky incestuous implications are also not for prudes, nor the bondage. You heard me.

Wow, Nastassja Kinski (Tess, To The Devil a Daughter, Terminal Velocity) is eighties virginal hot for Cat People, going braless and strutting through a delicious looking New Orleans.  Yes, Irena isn’t totally styled in the near slutty femme we see today, but we like her in all her forms- good girl, naked, cat- nonetheless.  Irena is innocent and almost too good to be true- it’s saucy and endearing at the same time. Even if we know the juicy cat tendencies are coming, the audience is still surprised when the wonderfully creepy Malcolm McDowell (A Clockwork Orange, Star Trek Generations) brings the familial twists to a head. His Paul is suspicious from the start, clearly jonesing for his sister, and this back and forth of predator and prey invests us in Irena’s cat journey all the more. It almost seems as if this Cat People should be the big and saucy sequel to the original instead of The Curse of the Cat People.  So, this is what those dastardly cat kin have been up to in the last forty years!

Poor good guy with a case of cat corruption John Heard! His new Oliver can’t help but find Irena alluring despite the intelligence and better judgment we know a zoo curator must have. Heard (Home Alone, Awakenings) would seem on the prowl to start, scaring Irena upon their first meeting- but he is soon the one helplessly caught up in the unsavory.  The sex scenes between Oliver and Irena are steamy indeed, even if we don’t actually see much. Whom is it going to be more painful for anyway? Annette O’Toole’s (Superman III) Alice is the would be Mary Ann to Irena’s latent Ginger.  They begin as quick and intimate friends but obvious female tensions soon arise.  It’s a catfight, literally. Though it was probably not the intention at the time, it seems everyone in Cat People is a familiar face. John Larroquette (Night Court) appears briefly as a jerky suit pressuring the zoo, and Ed Begley Jr. (She-Devil) pulls out all the fun bad animal puns before being taken down a notch.  The glorious Ruby Dee (A Raisin in the Sun) isn’t fully utilized enough as Paul’s “Like Tamale” housekeeper, Female, nor is good cop Frankie Faison (The Wire).  Although Lynn Lowry (Shivers) and Tessa Richarde (Bronco Billy) do provide fun eye candy, as if there was any other kind!   

Cat People is a classic early horror treat that fans of straight classic films, noir mysteries, and students of Hollywood horror beginnings should know and love.  The Curse of the Cat People comes on a double bill DVD and in collector sets with its precursor, which does keep it easy to find even if it has practically nothing to do with the first film.  Just don’t compare Curse to Cat People when you watch, as it should indeed be seen at least once, perhaps at Christmas.  Where our 1944 entry is definitely kid friendly, and there’s nothing majorly overt in the original outing, the updated Cat People edition, however, is not for kids. In 1942, the original had to be chaste, but forty years on, the remake was free to unleash the titular folks in all their glory, and indeed, it does.  Purrrrrr!

 

She-Devil

She-Devil Is Still A Classic

By Kristin Battestella

I couldn’t help myself recently and tuned in for my umpteenth viewing of the 1989 Roseanne Barr comedy She-Devil. My VHS copy is very worn out, for the wit and humor here never get old. In fact, She-Devil has grown better with age.

Chubby and bored housewife Ruth (Barr) reads romance novels and dreams of making herself beautiful. Unfortunately, she is not the thin, talented, blonde, enchanting author Mary Fisher (Meryl Streep). When Ruth and her husband, accountant Bob Patchett (Ed Begley, Jr.), meet Fisher at a dinner party, Ruth’s home life quickly goes from bad to worse. Bob and Mary have an affair; and after a disastrous dinner with Bob’s parents, Ruth takes matters into her own hands. She vows to destroy Bob’s home, family, career, and freedom.

Oscar phenom Meryl Streep (Sophia’s Choice, The Hours, Doubt) is top billed for She-Devil, but her screen time is less than Roseanne’s is. She does, however, make the most of the role and looks to be having a good time with the script. In spite of her dramatic success, Streep is equally talented at comedy- as we would later see in 1992’s Death Becomes Her. Her socialite Mary Fisher is the straight man against Roseanne’s jokes, but as her life falls apart, Streep brings forth Mary’s slapstick degrade. Her delivery also subtly changes. Whether she’s smooth taking marshmallows with her publisher or yelling and cursing out the kids, we know Mary means business. It makes for some great quotes: ‘You may not know this, Bob, but I’m an artist!’ and ‘Computers don’t have Swiss Bank Accounts, Bob!’

Unlike her crude but heartwarming mom on her hit show Roseanne, in She-Devil, Barr plays Ruth as anything but likeable. Though we may not think of her as statuesque, it appears that Roseanne was made up to be very ugly here. She starts out in horrible eighties patterns and muumuus, with bad hair and big moles. As Ruth grows confident in her vengeance and schemes, her style sharpens and proper makeup brings Barr’s charm forth. We’re not supposed to like Ruth in comparison with the divine Mary Fisher, but her sad home life and subsequent revenge is probably the reality of many a housewife. Every time I use the mircrowave, I think of Ruth putting aerosol cans in it to blow up her house. It’s extreme yes, but its understandable rage to a used and abused housewife. We delight in Ruth’s plan as she becomes nurse Vesta Rose, and some of her wit and humor should be loved and laughed at (but not her putting the iron in the washer!) When I began my career in activities at a senior center, my sister said, ‘Do you have the old people play soccer like Roseanne did in She-Devil?’

Ed Begley Jr. (St. Elsewhere, 7^th Heaven, Living with Ed) is perfect as the sleezy husband and even sleezier accountant who gets what he deserves. Even though he is the catalyst to both Ruth and Mary’s transformations, Begley’s Bob is secondary to the women onscreen. When he begins a second affair with Vesta Rose cohort Olivia Honey (Maria Pitillo, Providence), his creepness is cemented. Now he’s ruined not one woman, but three. Likewise, Sylvia Miles (Midnight Cowboy) as Mary Fisher’s Mother is the perfectly cranky but loveable old lady further putting a wrench in Mary’s life. A Martinez (Santa Barbara) has little to do as Mary’s pretty boy butler Garcia, but he has several great quips, as does Linda Hunt (Dune, Carnivale, The Practice) as Ruth’s business partner Cooper. Only Ruth and Bob’s two kids are a bit out of place. They have great gags and set-ups with the family pets, but it’s tough to discern what age they actually are, and truly, I’ve never seen them in anything thing else.

A fine cast at the height of its eighties stardom is one thing, but they need a great script from which to work. Thankfully, director Susan Seidelman (Desperately Seeking Susan, Sex and the City) and writers Barry Strugatz and Mark R. Burns (Married to the Mob) provide a witty and multilayered story from Fay Weldon’s The Life and Loves of A She-Devil. The dialogue says more than its words, and the speech is balanced in time with physical comedy and looks from the actors. A lot of the script depends on delivery, but the cast is on form in giving a line-whether it is deadpan or all out. When asked by Bob where she is going, Ruth replies calmly, ‘I don’t know, Bob. Into my future, I guess.’ It’s almost so stupid, it’s funny, but She-Devil is much more intelligent than that.

Of course, a few sparse effects and clothing styles from She-Devil have not stood the test of time. Even when Ruth and Mary are done up, its eighties sheek. Younger folks might be put off by this look, but the funnies win against art and set design. In fact, Mary’s over the top Dynasty style works now more so then it did in 1989. We know this woman is a bit out of touch with the little people-who really wears all pink and has hats and gloves to match everything? In tune audiophiles will notice the quirky score from Lord of the Rings genius Howard Shore.

You can find She-Devil on television from time to time, and though now out of print, the DVD can be found for a family fun night. I was however, surprised by the edited version I found On Demand. Four letter words and butt shots, I can understand those being cut; but the shaving of some untaundry sex scenes and not others confused me. Bastard was also replaced with Bum, but since it’s critical to the plot, there was no way to cut out Bob’s photocopies of Olivia’s lacey bosom. Compared to many films today, there’s nothing majorly inappropriate in She-Devil. I watch it with my nieces-sometimes they beg to pop She-Devil in the VCR. The uncut PG -13 is safe enough for family viewing. If you’re prudish enough to be upset by bastard and humorous butt shots, a filtered version of the film won’t change the adulterous and revengeful plot.

She-Devil was a chick flick before there was such a thing. Largely a story for women, I imagine some of things here might make male viewers uncomfortable. ‘Hell hath no fury…’ remember. Nonetheless, there’s humor enough for everyone-male, female, young, and old. Great gags, quotes, and a fine cast trump any naughtiness or eighties vibes. You and yours can enjoy She-Devil again and again.