Science Fiction Meets Comedy!

 

Science Fiction meets Comedy

by Kristin Battestella

From all out parody to quirkiness and cosmic puns, each of these retro, recent, or blockbuster science fiction tales provide an element of humorous entertainment.

Return of the Killer Tomatoes – It's tomato prohibition in this 1988 sequel to Attack of the Killer Tomatoes starring Anthony Starke (The Magnificent Seven), George Clooney (Michael Clayton), and John Astin (The Addams Family). Self-aware late night movie hosts almost air Big Breasted Girls Go to the Beach and Take Their Tops Off instead, adding then PG-13 saucy to the MST3King itself meta before it was meta. The secret word of the day is “the,” creating an impossible drinking game to match the preposterous Professor Gangreen mad science, lab experiments, tomato tests, and pizzas with some, umm, interesting topping combinations sans tomatoes. The younger generation rolls their eyes at elders treating The Great Tomato war as some St. Crispin's Day glory, flashbacks captioned as “New York City” have San Francisco trolley cars, and call ins ask why they keep showing scenes from the first movie. There are world domination plans to place plants from within the police right up to president, and bad special effects, red lights, green glows, a fuzzy friendly tomato, and a snake named Larry join the handsome assistant Igor. Reporters shame and berate witnesses on the air yet everyone wants to be on camera, and romantic interludes on the beach get ruined by a mime as the fourth wall is often broken thanks to tomato bootleggers, Valerian root powder, and inquires on if it's too late to have a movie chase. Let's yell “Tomato!” in a crowded restaurant and point at the “tomato lover” because tomatoes are evil – a good tomato is a squashed tomato! The within within life imitating art comes to a head with behind the scenes interruptions; they are out of money so the cast and crew are now incorporating product placement right down to the cereal box between the two shot conversation. Rednecks with beer, ninjas in black fighting cowboys in white hats, and “Vigilance is the Price of Freedom. Report any suspicious vegetable activity.” Uncle Sam posters escalate to luxury construction at the toxic waste dump, prison escapes for golfing White House aides, Soylent Green homages, and an interactive Frankenstein. Once the stars ask if they have enough money to finish this turkey, the product placement begats celebrity spoofs, music knockoffs, and killer countdowns with a scoreboard and referee. Fortunately, a page from the script is handy to write a note on asking for help and shootouts result in ketchup. Layered dialogue and visual gags send up everything possible in every scene, requiring multiple viewings for all the laugh at its corny self in on the joke ridiculous. While certainly endearing for those who loved this then, today this remains an enjoyable eighties comedy that's surprisingly intelligent and ahead of its time.

Space Station 76 – Patrick Wilson (Bone Tomahawk), Liv Tyler (Lord of the Rings), Matt Bomer (White Collar), and more are all aboard for this 2014 retro futuristic seventies wink, and we immediately feel the groovy thanks to the deliberately old fashioned space shuttles, colorful special effects, bright white corridors, and spinning station design. Rather than psychedelic in your face weird, the flashing lights, lasers, and saucy visions are pleasing to today's HD eye. Vintage panels, knobs, analog gizmos, mid century plastics, viewfinders, cigarettes, ash trays, wild wallpaper, and roller skates accent the rec room luaus and awkward cafeterias as the interconnected relationships, hidden sexuality, and affairs leave plenty of foots in people's mouths. Between the undefined jobs the crew does poorly, bored housewives, lingering hippie mentalities, waterbeds, and confined interiors a lot can happen. Our incoming career oriented female officer doesn't fit in and can see the going through the motions situations. There are children on board, however the vain and manipulative parents are more interested in Valium, porn magazines, and robots because it's easier to interact with machinery and automation than build healthy relationships. Some remember growing up on earth and doing things for oneself versus space-bound reliance, but the should be idyllic futuristic bliss only creates an inability to cope. One can't even kill himself by dropping the retro radio into the bathtub because the system corrects the overloaded circuits. Naturalistic conversations provide annoyed, off the cuff sardonic socializing attempts while subtle humor – like using the arboretum to grow pot and a robotic hand getting stuck gripping a boob – alleviates any potential tenderness. The ironic, feel good classic soundtrack matches anti-gravity moments enjoying the space faring circumstances, but arguments and lies lead to contrived Christmas parties, stranded consequences, and embarrassing secrets. They are stuck with where and who they are, and somehow have to make the best of it. Although this might have been interesting as a series, the refreshing R zany but not laugh out loud doesn't overstay its welcome. I'm surprised this movie isn't more popular, as other comedy science fiction shows are full blown sends ups, but here the quirky framework anchors serious, well done characterizations. Rather than making fun of the era, the kitschy innuendo helps create a façade for the interpersonal issues, jobs over emotions, and loneliness. This is a touching little film with bemusing nostalgia and social commentary, but labeling this a comedy isn't quite fair once the drama hits too close to home, for we too have technology replacing human interaction and it is far from perfect.

Thor: Ragnarok – Taika Waititi (What We Do in the Shadows) directs the titular Chris Hemsworth, Tom Hiddleston (Only Lovers Left Alive), and Tessa Thompson (Westworld) in this 2017 Marvel sequel exploding with eighties sci-fi homage, edgy rock tunes, retro video tours, Willy Wonka notes, flashy colors, and intergalactic flair. Unlike the morose fantasy of Thor: The Dark World; industrial trash, damaged spaceships, and beer are rough and wild – matching the caged and chained Thor as he waxes on his heroic status, the new lack thereof, fiery attacks, and lightning displays. Asgard is in peril, but dramatic choirs and rewritten odes starring Matt Damon (Interstellar) and the delightful Anthony Hopkins (Hannibal) as Loki pretending to be Odin lead to Norway goodbyes, somber conversations, and family regrets. Thanks to trailer giveaways and obvious foreshadowing, there aren't many surprises, but the locales proceed quest-style with friends or enemies along the way including Benedict Cumberbatch's (Sherlock) Doctor Strange and the scene chewing Cate Blanchett (Elizabeth) as the unleashed Hela, Goddess of Death. Visual tricks, sight gags, and umbrella disguises accent the superhero send up as Thor is dragged by his cape and put in his place. Mark Ruffalo's (The Normal Heart) gladiator Hulk and the campy Grandmaster Jeff Goldblum (Independence Day) add personal banter, self-aware charm, and even flirtatiousness thanks to hot tubs and green butt shots. The battle action CGI can be busy, herky jerky messy where you can't see anything, however unique Valkyrie flashbacks, mystical elements, and slow motion superhero cool moments set off the hidden Asgard history, giant wolves, and undead lairs. Unfortunately, it gets a little old when there's a quip, humorous aside, and lighthearted tension breaker interrupting every serious scene. Asgardians are literally being butchered while we're being told to laugh with distracting, gif-able wisecracks. This uneven back and forth between the violence and the refreshing reboot undercuts Hela's threats – leaving us to wonder if we even need the eponymous destruction when this could just be about The Revengers and their baggage escaping Sakaar, cool cool. After spending most of the time here mocking the previous Thor films, the end heroics are ironically played straight and the characters remain more important than the action. While the irreverent attitudes and flippant comedy in the wrong places could have chilled, this doesn't follow typical Marvel patterns. Thor needed to change it up, and the entertainment moves fast for fans as well as viewers looking for something different.

For some ~ serious science fiction discussion ~ also consider two Great Courses programs How Science Shapes Science Fiction and How Great Science Fiction Works. I was too busy paying attention and didn't take notes!

A Bonus Tom Hiddleston Trio

A Bonus Tom Hiddleston Trio

by Kristin Battestella

Call me crazy, but I prefer actor Tom Hiddleston's non-comic book fare to his work in the Marvel Cinematic Universe. Gasp! Here's a batch of pictures for your Loki perusal – ranging from a little bit of Hiddy to a whole lot of Hiddy, depending on your dramatic or superhero mood. 

 

Archipelago – Writer and director Joanna Hogg's (Unrelated) 2010 second film featuring Hiddleston will be too dry and too slow to many. This is a very British, very white tale of rich people on vacation who have problems. Fortunately, young Thomas with the windswept noodle hair once again does daddy issues like nobody's business. His Edward is at a quarter life crossroads but his father is absent for this island last hurrah. Birds are chirping, beautiful waves are crashing – the Tresco, Scilly locations should be idyllic but the dirt roads are around the bend unknowns and the blustery coastal freedom contrasts the silent, congested interiors. Mother and sister mention childhood memories of this same getaway, but the isolated rental house is a beige slate drenched in uncomfortable awkwardness. Our tall son hits his head on the attic eaves rather than say the room is literally too small, and siblings bypass one another without acknowledgment. Wine is at the ready, everyone talks over each other about food or the weather, nothing that should be said is, and nobody means what they say. Bleeding heart Edward wants input on his forthcoming AIDS charity endeavor, but his white savior righteousness is misplaced – it isn't about the cause, just his need to do something meaningful. Nobody agrees much less cares what's going on with anyone else because they are too into their own issues and have no idea what they are doing with their lives. Let's talk about the most humane way to boil the lobster instead, yeah! Their chef can speak of her late father, but the family can't mention their absentee dad, preferring to waste an entire conversation on where to sit in an empty restaurant and complain about the food. Whether she morally agrees with the cuisine or not, their chef has a messy hands on job to do. Do you treat her as the help or include her? It's easier for Edward to flirt than converse with his mother and sister, who said his girlfriend couldn't come on this so-called family only escapade. The camera stays still in the common areas as people just shout from another room, interesting blocking that allows the audience to observe while mirroring the confined but disconnected. Maybe long ago the whole family could stay here, but now their dynamics have outgrown and suffocated any nostalgia. Small mundane moments reveal their solitude and boredom – four people can sit in a room and say nothing, remaining formal even with family. The ladies' local painting instructor isn't blood either, but his wisdoms relate to more than the canvas. Painting takes training and particular tools to perfectly capture the environs yet gives such emotion and free form expression if you let it – unlike dad's argumentative, one sided phone calls. Casting a real life painter to paint the landscape within the movie also adds a life imitating art meta even as the camera remains an arms length witness. Only one real conversation is framed in the traditional two person edit and the few close ups include one embarrassed mother and her son walking into a medium shot when his toughness on following his passion is questioned. Most of us must take our lives as is and like it no sabbatical in sight, and it's ob-la-di for the locals whether these rich guests eat pheasants, hug, and get over it or not. Nothing much happens here, there's no real plot to speak of, and those looking for stylish filming will find this plain. Some symbolism is too obvious, and the story could be sharper. We want to know how it got to this or what happens next, but they go on and so shall we, answers or not. The natural constructs create a raw and realistic nuclear social study where nothing is settled – a refreshingly frank change from the polished and trite family happiness so often seen onscreen. 



 Midnight in Paris – I am not a Woody Allen fan, and I was surprised to see this lighthearted 2011 tale won Best Original Screenplay amid other awards acclaim. A mid life crisis writer learning today is better than a glorified past is a pretty straightforward lesson, and Owen Wilson (Wedding Crashers) is both himself and a bumbling Allen placeholder. Ladies Lea Seydoux (Spectre) and Marion Cotillard (La Vie en Rose) are rival younger women ideals while Rachel McAdams (The Notebook) is a typical bridezilla. The terrible in-laws, adultery, detective, and hotel slapstick are unneeded as are uneven annoyances in the present and scenes away from the protagonist. The trying to be natural, on the move conversations through the amazing Franco tours feel like snobby set pieces with forced intellectual comedy. Yes, they are supposed to be mocking nostalgia shops, but why can't they just say antique store like the rest of us? This is an adult fantasy rather than Bill and Ted, but the plot is too obvious in being for audiences of a certain age who want to see the sentimental novelty – which goes directly against the moral of living in the now rather than a rose colored past, toeing the saccharin line with each I see what you did there excursion. Ironically, it's the stellar cast including T. Hiddy as F. Scott Fitzgerald to Alison Pill's (The Newsroom) Zelda, Corey Stoll (The Strain) as Ernest Hemingway, Kathy Bates (American Horror Story) as Gertrude Stein, and yet more famous intelligentsia that make the eponymous period segments the best parts of the show. The divine past patina, Parisian locales, scenic snapshots, vintage cars, and quality jazz are worth the artistic nominations, yet the film seems caught in a pretentious embarrassment of riches over whether the past or present is its star. Let's “Vogue” as many famous people as possible and see how many the audience knows! The punchlines and excellent one-on-one past wisdoms are strengthened by the actors' deliveries, yet more time is wasted on fictitious muses. How is Gertrude Stein a major character but Alice B. Toklas merely opens the door to their salon? Why does it take the aptly named Pender so long to realize what he needed was right – or should I say write there all along? While the fantastic travel simply is and there's no overt technology, our writer never has his novel in progress handy, doesn't carry a pen and paper, and is never seen actually doing any writing. Should he have been alone, drinking, dozing, and doubting if these escapades really happened or if that question matters? Why not spend one vivid night in the past with present bookends instead of meandering between who's who vignettes? This ninety minutes comes off as both stretched overlong and yadda yadda yadda glossing over what actually makes it interesting, losing steam despite some pleasant twists and unexpected moments. Though refreshing to mature viewers with comfortable familiarity compared to busy blockbusters, the superficial, flawed structure largely gets by on the novelty of the historical big names and the impressive actors filling their shoes. Can Hiddleston please play Fitzgerald again in a full on biopic ASAP?

Thor – Kenneth Branagh directs this pre-Disney 2011 Marvel escapade with the titular Chris Hemsworth, Our Man Hiddleston as the mischievous Loki, and Anthony Hopkins as Odin leading a fine saga ensemble including Stellan Skarsgard, Idris Elba, Rene Russo, and more. Back then this was a new cinema property, so the need for humorous fish out of water plots tied to contemporary earth is understandable despite the earthly shoehorn's distraction from the out of this world Asgard. Opening crashes and New Mexico comedy with Mary Sue perspectives are unnecessary, and the mostly telling rather than showing prologue may seem too easy along with dated CGI panoramic zooms, busy for the sake of being cool action, and small scale Asgard interiors. I wish Thor wore his helmet more, too, for the little girl in Adventures in Babysitting was happier to wear hers. Fortunately, there are fun costumes, a heroic score, a sweet Rainbow Bridge, and great galactic visuals creating a recognizable space fantasy without placing the spectacle over the frosty enemies, precious relics, and traitors in the House of Odin – unlike many recent blockbusters putting style over substance. These characters also change as Thor learns how to be a hero and Loki becomes a scene stealing villain. No, this isn't really “Loki: Brother of Thor” as some spiffy fan re-edits claim, but the deleted scenes should have been kept for even more sibling rivalry. The Destroyer showdowns match Loki's petty deceptions and tears real or crocodile as well as the side eye, face palm, and “TELL ME!” that launched a thousand GIFs. It's easy to forgive superhero movies as popcorn fun that aren't supposed to be Shakespeare, but Branagh layers the drama with subtle details well paced with action set pieces to heighten each act. This indeed elevates Thor with an extra touch of Bard – unlike the phoned in fan service and tedious interconnections that would otherwise allow Thor: The Dark World to be ignored. Subsequent appearances also reset Thor's lessons learned, leaving his solo movies feeling like they are about everything but what happens to Thor. Thankfully, references to Stark, Fury, and SHIELD are implied pleasantries here – fun moments to audiences in the know rather than a booked through 2020 requirement to consume every single thing in the Marvel Cinematic Universe. That's what irked me about the nineties comic book boom/fallout and still annoys me greatly about the MCU now. With the family friendly parable, brotherly angst, unexpected twists, and great explosions, this Asgard debut doesn't fall into that mind numbing, all comic book movies are the same trap. There are choices to be made for good or ill, a relatable villain, and time for reflection before and after the wild finale. Despite not going full on Asgard, overall this trusts its fantasy and likable characters, keeping this picture fun for repeat viewings. That RadioShack joke, though, ten years from now no one will get that o_O

You Make the Call

I Saw the Light – This 2015 Hank Williams biography is very disjointed, fading in and out from scene to scene with no narrative flow. It's tough to tell which moments are significant or mere transitions, for some vignettes feel shown just because they might have really happened but serve no other purpose in the film. I wasn't flicking away during commercials yet took two and half viewings to assure I hadn't missed anything – save for the half of the picture apparently on the cutting room floor. The artistic spotlights, silhouette schemes, and larger than life stature angles on the man as myth should have been used more alongside the vintage reels, home movie patinas, and black and white interchanges with manager Bradley Whitford (The West Wing) to anchor each chapter instead of the piecemeal time stamps. It's not in media res when you skip half the man's life with little rhyme or reason as to why. Although this is such a rich post-war era with deep Southern culture and lively tunes, there's little flavor here as recording session snippets, a verse or two on stage, mentions of “Jambalaya” being number one, and only two full-ish Opry performances don't make up for this ironic lack of songs. Imagine if King Creole skipped the club scene performances and just referred to them instead! The patchwork writing, directing, and editing seem like there's nothing much to tell – Hank wrote songs, loved his mother, women, and booze but not pain, then he died. Unfortunately, mother Cherry Jones (24) deserves more, and baby mama Wrenn Schmidt (Preservation) and second wife Maddie Hasson (Twisted) are treated insignificantly with a handful of deleted scenes still not nearly enough time. It's also tough to assess Elizabeth Olsen (Martha Marcy May Marlene) – sometimes fittingly forties and other times a modern girl playing dress up – as the unlikable first wife who can't sing, which isn't an easy thing to do. The Luke the Drifter scene is also confusing if you don't know about the pseudonym, and The Drifting Cowboys musicians are a compulsory who is who. Maybe its cliché to have a fictional composite band member/driver as an audience avatar losing his rose colored glasses of Hank, but we need more than this detached, arms length approach. And I say that as someone who isn't really a Hank Williams fan thanks to my Alabama grandmother's ironic use of his lyrics for insults, i.e. “Hey, Good Lookin'” when at your worst. The sad part here is that Tom Hiddleston gives a fine performance. He fits the period hats, suits, and flashy fringe by changing his entire physicality to match the dialect and singing. One would not know he is a British RADA graduate here, yet the plot doesn't give him much to do nor does the camera stay still to make the most of his onscreen zing. He obviously put a huge effort into becoming Hank Williams, and this movie is really only worth watching for his transformation.

 

Men's Movies List!

A Men’s Movie List

By Kristin Battestella

Although I’m not often a fan of the sappy, sometimes I swing in the completely opposite direction for some knock down, drag out, action heavy man pictures!  Here’s a quick compilation of movies for boys who play hard with their action, sport, war, and classics. 

Airport ‘77 – An all-star cast – including Jack Lemmon, Lee Grant, Christopher Lee, James Stewart, Olivia de Havilland, Joseph Cotten, and George Kennedy – adds even more nostalgia to this entry from the seventies transportation disaster franchise. Sure, it’s now typical of the early disaster flicks and we get plenty of those apocalyptic CGI blockbusters today. There isn’t a lot of character development either, and the equipment, mechanics, and ideology are out of date, too.  Nonetheless, there’s still a lot of fun here thanks to a unique mix of airline and aquatic dangers. The search and rescue half of the film feels more like a documentary or education short on the procedures and peril as one by one our stars have their moments. It’s strange to see some of these aged stars in their relative prime as well, but fans of the cast must see all the talent as they come out to play for this entertaining and often intense action yarn. 

Any Given Sunday – It took forever to get this one from Netflix, but I hadn’t seen this 1999 Oliver Stone football ode in a long time and wanted to watch the “Life’s this game of inches” heavy in all its glory.  Al Pacino, Cameron Diaz, Dennis Quad, Jamie Foxx, James Woods, LL Cool J, Ann-Margaret, Charlton Heston, Aaron Eckhart, and many, many more in this A-list cast are all on their game as the great music, script, speeches, and quotes both bad ass and poetic highlight the lowlights of pro sports. Drug use, cutthroat contracts and betrayal, sex, media, medical malpractice – if it’s corrupt, it is here. Stone films his scenes as though they were fond memories or hyperbole sports recollections. The camera is both hectic, dizzying, and in your face in-game action and yet edgy, slow motion artistic. The editing captures the violent beauty on the field and the football as religion state of mind.  The lingo and style might be dated now, but the design smartly stays away from specific trends and is still very cool. Though long at over two and a half hours, fans can watch the enjoyable, over the top entertainment out of season or have this on in the background to spruce up a post game party.

Band of Brothers – I can’t say how many times I’ve seen this exceptionally photographed, multi layered, and award winning 2001 World War II mini series from HBO, Steven Spielberg, and Tom Hanks.  The camerawork is both vivid, colorful, and intimate whilst also being grainy, old school, hectic, and epic. I’m sure there must be special effects, but the work is so seamless, it’s unnoticeable. Various story-telling concepts such as flashbacks and individual narrations are used to spotlight central characters per episode and this core helps focus the extensive topics surrounding Easy Company. Of course, everyone and his grandpa makes appears here, from main cast members Damian Lewis, Ron Livingston, Scott Grimes, Donnie Walhberg, Neal McDonough, and David Schwimmer to then unknowns such as James McAvoy, Simon Pegg, Colin Hanks, Michael Fassbender, Tom Hardy, and more. Everyone is simply delightful and downright touching as we meet the cast’s real life counterparts throughout the series. “Bastogne,” “The Breaking Point,” and “The Last Patrol” are outstanding, as is “Why We Fight.” I don’t like to see Holocaust material, but you know this is heart-wrenching perfection. There’s some dramatic license, sure; and language, nudity, and plenty of war gruesome will keep this one out of the classroom. However, this is perhaps as near-complete a war diary as one can see, and is there any group more legendary than the 101^st? Wartime audiences might find a viewing difficult, but this show is delightful for military historians, as are the massive behind the scenes features and a dynamite blu ray transfer. Though I’d love to see a counter point series on a German regiment of note someday, the sentiment, action, and rah rah here is near impossible to beat. 

The Quiet Man – One never gets tired of this charming 1952 classic, and there’s no better time than St. Patrick’s Day to sit back with John Wayne and Maureen O’Hara in director John Ford’s idyllic ode to Ireland. The stunning vintage Technicolor scenery, Maureen as Mary Kate and her flaming red hair bellowing in the wind, the quaint townsfolk and their old fashioned ways, a bonnet left behind, the courting via a matchmaker, the withheld dowry, and the brawl to end all brawls. You know you were picturing it all!  Excellent support from Victor McLaglen, Barry Fitzgerarld, and Ward Bond add to the chemistry, tenderness, and spitfire delights here. Yes, the issues facing 1920 Ireland are never felt onscreen, but the drama is feel good nonetheless. For those who haven’t seen this one and think Ford and Wayne are nothing but dusty old cowboys, you better think again!  All the boys in the family young or old can watch this Irish nostalgia again and again.

Titus – Okay, this 1999 Shakespeare gone bizarre cinematic blend won’t be for everyone. Not only is the anachronistic approach and tone a bit confusing, but the serious amount of nudity, violence, and gore are not often found in period pieces. Traditional Shakespeare enthusiasts might be put off completely by the change-up, and that’s exactly why non-fans of The Bard can love the freaky transitions, apocalyptic cool, and twisted ensemble of Anthony Hopkins, Jessica Lang, Alan Cummings, Harry Lennix, Laura Fraser, and Jonathan Rhys Meyers. The dialogue is powerful and largely line for line from its source, and all the ancient justice and vengeance is heavy, modern, and fresh. Even the score was lifted for 300! Rapacious foreshadowing, off screen disembowelments – some of what you don’t see in Titus is quite frightening.  In fact, Shakespeare dynamos may actually enjoy this stylized spin along with the edgy layman – its risqué, mature, and disturbing as needed. 

Winter Horror Pros and Cons

Winter Horror Hits and Misses

By Kristin Battestella

Are you displeased with all the happiness in the New Year?  Snowed in and afraid you might do something…rash… unless you can have a scary movie marathon? Here are a few freaky flicks to enjoy and one or two open for a chilly debate.

The Changeling- An awesome cast- including Oscar winners George C. Scott (Patton) and Melyvn Douglas (Hud) with John Colicos (Battlestar Galatica) and Trish Van Devere (One is a Lonely Number)- is simply delightful in this old school 1980 haunted house tale purportedly based on an actual experience. The wonderfully creepy mansion scenery and touches of 19^th century grandeur gone awry highlight this convincing murder mystery beautifully. Fine music, scares, and tragedy are tossed in, too- along with a few bits of unintentional humor, yes. Perhaps a few styles, fashions, and mannerisms are dated now as well. The mismatched look of real life couple Scott and Van Devere might bother some audiences, too- along with some genuinely heart stopping moments that might have you checking your pacemaker. Nevertheless, the poltergeist aspects, psychic action, and ghostly revenge build excellently for a solid and spooky finale.

The Other – The coming of age style and innocence gone wrong in director Robert Mulligan’s (To Kill A Mockingbird) 1972 horror mystery is slightly obvious, granted.  Twins Chris and Martin Udvarnoky are filmed in such a way that careful viewers will spot a lot of the forthcoming mysterious fun, brewing twists, and freaky psychic action. Fortunately, Uta Hager (Reversal of Fortune) is great as the wise grandma Ada. It is a typical role in a horror movie, but Hager adds warmth, old-fashioned clout, and class to the spooky spins. Brief Star Trek alum Diana Mulder is also lovely as our not quite all there widowed mother, but she isn’t there enough- nor is the very young, very briefly onscreen John Ritter (Three’s Company).  The 1935 scenery is a little more seventies dated, but the nostalgic element adds to the rural fears, farm horrors, and great juvenile morbidity.

The Rite – Anthony Hopkins (must I?) is superb as always in this 2011 exorcism thriller co-starring Colin O’Donoghue (The Tudors) and Alice Braga (Predators). While there are spooky elements here- and very scary and creepy demonic things do occur- I’m not sure this deserves a horror classification or the frightful expectations of boobs and slice and dice that come with the contemporary horror label.  Director Mikael Hafstrom (1408) and writer Michael Petroni (Chronicles of Narnia: Voyage of the Dawn Treader) present a more spiritual film dealing with faith, doubt, possession, and the mysteries of god and man with supernatural turnabouts and twists tossed in. The Rite makes the viewer think before it scares. Who actually becomes possessed? When?  Why?  The great use of Italian language and Roma locations adds real world international culture and panache, even if O’Donoghue is a little lightweight against Hopkins.  But really, who isn’t?  Rutger Hauer (really?) is also greatly under utilized, but overall, I’m not sure why people don’t like this one.

Splitsville

The Countess- Actress turned writer and director Julie Deply (Before Sunrise) perhaps wears one too many hats for this 2009 biography. Her make up and hairstyles as the infamous Elizabeth Bathory are too stern, even ugly, and her accent is iffy, with weird pronunciations and strange mixings of languages. Despite strides towards outspoken humor, the titular lady is played a bit too bitchy and unlikeable in what is actually supposed to be an anti Countess Dracula angle. The scripting is slow, disjointed in the first half, and takes too long to get to the reallly nutty bloody everyone’s expecting.  The viewpoint is confusing as well, with the Daniel Bruhl (Inglourious Basterds) narrating Bathory’s internal monologue on speculation from his future deathbed…huh? Such eerie historical feminism might have been too ambitious a subject for Deply’s full length directing debut- just tell it straight one way or the other. We have style and good-looking costumes, but the drab, authentic color lacks opulence and full on period lush. The battles are decent, but brief, natural and rustic. There’s blood, but not proper horror.  There’s weird man slave action, but the nudity is too tame, with murder montages skimping over all the action.  Oscar man William Hurt (Kiss of the Spider Woman, Children of a Lesser God) is also too brief, put aside for a hokey victim of love and weird smear campaign for misunderstood Bathory.  It is quite odd to have a historical drama where there is such a horror opportunity. Normally it is the other way around, with those trying for scares and paranormal at any length. The period music is lovely, but everything here just seems too uneven, first draft, overly sparse, and unable to make up its mind. 

Suspiria – Finally a show without a ‘the’! In addition to a pleasingly threatening atmosphere and discomforting locations, there are some very good scares in this 1977 European witch fest. The performances from Joan Bennett (Dark Shadows), Jessica Harper (Stardust Memories), and Alida Valli (The Paradine Case) are all good, too, carrying the mystery and the suspense and keeping things entertaining. The main theme music from Goblin is also equally juicy.  Unfortunately, the dang music and sound effects are way too much! Everything- but the dialogue, of course- is totally loud and headache inducing.  Some of the odd lighting, weird angles, and color variations from director Dario Argento (Dracula 3D) are great as well. But again, a lot of this subterfuge is much too much, creating a visual excess that overall distracts more than helps the meandering plot and limp ending. All of those soft vocals and poor dubbing doesn’t help the toughness, either.  Naturally, Suspiria is all well and good for out there audiences and innovative foreign horror fans, but this will be quite annoying and odd for more traditional witchy fans. 

Remember, “All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.”

Contemporary Horror Splits and Spotlights

Recent Horror Spotlights and Split Decisions

By Kristin Battestella

I spend most of my viewing time with older scares, horror classics, and cult favorites simply because there is so much of the same old slice and dice repetitive all gore and no substance drivel churned out in recent decades.  Yeah. Fortunately, I’ve found a few contemporary treats and thrillers to satisfy the yearn for modern macabre- and some spookies on which I can’t decide!

Deadtime Stories Volume 1 – George A. Romero (Night of the Living Dead) hosts this 2009 trilogy of tales in quite the quirky fashion.  His first story is a little ho hum- the typical tribal freaky and trying too hard to be too bizarre vein that any schooled horror anthology viewer will spot straightaway.  Fortunately, our second story provides a very creepy mermaid- not the pretty tailed, glistening golden tresses hiding a be-sea shelled rack siren, oh no. Some of the onscreen legend might be confusing, but the coastal and solitary suspense makes up the difference. Saving the best for last, Deadtime Number 3 is a great backwoods old school vampire scary. The abstract but period setting and tintype looking photography and colors make this one extra sweet. The dialogue and plot really had me going as to who was actually what- and it was downright spooky! 

Hannibal – This 2001 sequel to Silence of the Lambs obviously has big shoes to fill. Thankfully and blessedly, Giancarlo Giannini (Casino Royale) is great, and the Italian scenery is flat out awesome.  Ray Liotta (Goodfellas) is sleazy and so much fun while the twisted Gary Oldman (Bram Stoker’s Dracula) is unrecognizable.  Even in the shadow of prior Clarice Starling Oscar winner Jodie Foster, Julianne Moore (The Hours) shapes her own Clarice beautifully. And but of course returning Oscar winner Anthony Hopkins is wonderful. He is without a doubt the star here, and does the most in what seems like less screen time. The one on one dialogue and action sequences are perfect, with fine suspense pacing, intelligentsia horror, class, sexy, and gore.  Unfortunately, however great the performances are in getting there, the storyline does meander. Director Ridley Scott’s (Blade Runner) ending is somewhat flat and leaves a ‘What was the point of all this?’ feeling.  Nevertheless, I applaud the twisted romantic aspects and creepy for adults only production. Twilight wishes it could be like this.

Red Dragon- Naturally then, I must also talk about Anthony Hopkins’ sweet 2002 prequel, co-starring everybody from Oscar nominees Harvey Keitel (Bugsy) and Ralph Fiennes (The English Patient) to Oscar nominees Emily Watson (Breaking the Waves) and Edward Norton (American History X).  Norton is believably badass and sympathetic as both as the on screen agent prior to Starling and the actor following both Clarices.  The murder mystery suspense and psychological games are alluring and complex. We’re going somewhere concrete with a case to solve and it all leads up nice and tidy to Lambs. Oh, did I forget to mention Oscar winner Philip Seymour Hoffman (Capote) and Emmy winner Mary-Louise Parker (Weeds).  Must I go on?

Unfortunately Undecided

Crush (2009) – Well, I’ve never seen a karate tournament in a horror movie before, and there’s really no room for it, lengthy credits, and too many establishing music montages in an 87 minute film.  We’re also crowded with a lot of clichés: the usual American in a foreign country scary house intrigue, a dark haired chick in a red bikini automatically meaning trouble, more Betty vs. Veronica stereotypes, and technology has to factor into the plot, too.  The cheap college drinking and sexy attempts don’t make up for lack of expected scares or unpretty people playing a flat Fatal Attraction, and the insignificant Australian touches simply look like anywhere that’s pretty.  But at least it’s Christopher Egan (Eragon) instead of a blonde chick protagonist, and I didn’t know there was such a thing as a house sitting agency!  Though it’s really great when we get them, the few and far between haunted house tricks take a long time to happen- leaving only 15 minutes left for the twists and true heavy will out fine for the ending. 

The Girl Next Door – I’m not really sure what to make of this 2007 tale based on Jack Ketchum’s novel.  The cast is fine along with the fifties touches and period nostalgia.  It’s also nice to see some frank and kinky talk in what we presume was such a Leave It to Beaver era- though it’s also weird that its kids and budding teens involved. Unfortunately, I don’t think this should be labeled as a horror film. Yes, horrific and very scary real life things happen here- twisted torture, and sick, verbal abuses. But the demented drama should be enough in telling the disturbed of the piece. When these real tortures and violent abuses are tossed into the same breath with our recent titillating torture porn, it cheapens and exploits the true story of Ketchum’s source.  Is Sleepers a horror film? No. So why is this? Call it a thriller or straight drama but saying this is horror, I find that somewhat demeaning.  Though I don’t think the direction here goes for the excess ala Hostel, I’m just not sure about the entire approach.

Immortality (2000) – This contemporary vampire drama stars Oscar nominee Jude Law (The Talented Mr. Ripley) as a swanky undead playboy and Timothy Spall (Harry Potter) as the investigator who follows his blood trail.  Of course, Law already has a pasty, enthralling, juicy way about him, so we’re not that surprised to see him as a vampire having his way with the chicks- and the seduction is suave for Law’s lady fans. However, the against type vampire bites and violent death scenes disturbingly remind us that vamps are not meant to be our baby daddy teen dreams. It’s nice to see Spall as a decent bloke instead of the usual slinky and seedy type, too.  Though the contorted and freaky physical performance from Law adds to the disturbed atmosphere, the technicalities of his vampirism are a little slow, ill paced, and confusing at times. The increasing focus on the weird romance angles over the fine police investigation and spiritual debates is also unfortunate. We’ve seen twisted vamp love and poetry too many times. I’d much rather see the rarer real world cop meets vampire action trump a love heals the vampire chemistry that isn’t happening. 

Mrs. Amworth – I am seriously surprised this 2007 beyond low budget vampire fair even made it to DVD.  There are no subtitles of course to help with the microphone-less dialogue, and it all looks really really really basement backyard home video filming.  I mean, Blair Witch was professionally shot compared to this! There’s blood and boobs a plenty, the acting isn’t even that bad for the most part, the story’s half-decent too. Even if the plot is nothing that new, the script isn’t all that hokey.  But this dang high school video production editing, bright lighting, and just way too down home photography is so unbelievable that it distracts from any attempt at scary.  Which is sad. This could have been a decent tale if it had a proper production.  The fashions are at least cool, and casual non-acting school banter helps a lot in the fun.  The music would be quite moody, scary, and atmospheric if the rest of the filmmaking was done right, too. Unfortunately, model Magenta Brooks is seriously too tall for all the men.  Is this meant to be bad, bemusing or awkward? Someone please let me know.

More Dated Cult and Camp Horror

More Cultish Horror and Dated Mayhem

By Kristin Battestella

It’s October! That means it’s time for more eighties cult creepies, dated sf scares, metaphysical frights, and otherwise campy or horrific fair.

Audrey Rose – Director Robert Wise’s (The Sound of Music, West Side Story) 1977 child horror movie isn’t really that much of a horror film, but rather an abstract psychological eerie.  Then again, I suppose it says something about today’s desensitization when battling for her reincarnated soul Susan Swift (Harper Valley PTA) just comes off as very annoying kid with a serious set of scream pipes.  Fortunately, the adult leads Marsha Mason (Chapter Two, Drop Dead Fred) and Anthony Hopkins (Silence of the Lambs, must I go on?) keep the film watchable thanks to spiritual debates, reincarnation dialogues, tearful action, and upsetting misaction. With such metaphysical topics, it’s also very tough to come to a finite conclusion, but the story never feels like it is a swinging New Age groovy exploration, either. Though the beliefs may be far reaching globally, the stars keep the trauma intimate- and I must say that NYC apartment is damn cozy in its opulence!

Evil Dead II and Army of Darkness – These 1987 and 1992 sequels from writer and director Sam Raimi (Darkman) get progressively further away from the great zombie gore of the original Evil Dead to become more campy comedy.  Not that there’s anything wrong with that! Dead II still offers plenty of chainsaw wielding fun for a frat party of yore. The preposterous undead and retcon after retcon could get irritating if you really thought about it, but why should you? Star Bruce Campbell (Burn Notice) creatively dashes off one deadite after another to keep the pace bemusing and lively.  For Army of Darkness, we’re treated to the unusual combination of medieval undead and reanimated skeletons battling against corny 20^th century quips and heroics.  Yes, it sounds dumb, and new audiences will most definitely balk at the thought of Harryhausen-esqe battle skeletons.  Nevertheless, it looks 14^th century on form and every joke still nails it.

Hellraiser – BDSM gone awry! Writer and director Clive Barker’s (Lord of Illusions) interdimensional torment fest still scares me just a little bit.  The claustrophobic camerawork allows for some great jump out moments, the gore is just right, and the teen in peril plots are done quite reasonably.  Ashley Laurence handles herself versus Doug Bradley’s unnamed but intelligently sinister Pinhead, and the latent speculation on pain of the utmost coming from someone else’s idea of the pinnacle of pleasure offers several layers of perversion.  Sure, some of the cheap 1987 style shows in Clare Higgns’ (The House of Mirth) fashions, but does it hamper the kinky, sexy, murderous gravitas? Nope. Yes, the plethora of sequels might not be the best, but seriously, a 3D remake crosses the line!

The Howling- Something wolfy is apaw for Dee Wallace (E.T.) ‘pre-Stone’ in this 1981 wolf effects dream. Director Joe Dante (Gremlins) isn’t afraid to have a few winks and wit tossed in for the audience and the attention to lycan designs still looks good.  The transformations aren’t horror for horror’s sake; they earn time with both twisted delight for some and bestial torment for others.  There are a few creeps and scares to spin with the sexy and kinky as well.  Okay, there are probably a few hokey things.  However, the over the eighties topness we expect is actually quite tame amid the 1981 maturity here.  Patrick Macnee (The Avengers) is always a treat, and the women on both sides of the silver are treated as strong, intelligent, and independent whilst also being no less scared, sexy, or perpetually in peril.  Hot diggity dog! 

 

Night of the Comet – Now this has some 1984 hairstyles and essential montages of the day! Catherine Mary Stewart (Weekend at Bernie’s), Robert Beltran (Star: Trek Voyager), and Kelli Maroney (Fast Times at Ridgemont High) have a fun look at chicks takin’ it to doomsday along with some solid tunes and horror wit.  However, the plots here are a little uneven, I must say. Zombie scares, romance, and science fiction disturbia- it’s almost as if three separate films get stuck together. Why are we dealing with evil scientists? I though there were zombies about? Oh, but those New Wave Devo guys were undead? Really? There is a bit too much and yet not enough going on, but the comedy and lack of taking things too seriously keep this one watchable-Tempest high scores aside, of course.

 

Waxwork- A fine cast- including Zach Galligan (Gremlins), Deborah Foreman (Valley Girl), Michelle Johnson (Blame It on Rio), Dana Ashbrook (Doesn’t anyone else remember Girlfriend from Hell?), David Warner (Titanic), and Patrick Macnee (yes, him again)- begin wonderfully in this 1988 first of several evil melts run amok. The assorted effects from the werewolf and vampire bads look great, and the vignettes per wax display have just the perfect amount of creepy, bloody, scary, and sexy.  Unfortunately, a lot of the good falls apart for the final act.  Though the gore in the museum free for all finale is very creative, the lame explanation about a voodoo apocalypse and the 18 baddest of the bad limps to the finish, leaving you scratching your head if you think too long about it.  Thankfully, there’s plenty of humor to keep it all fun.

And one for the Novelty Alone

Village of the Damned – John Carpenter’s (Halloween) 1995 remake has a very sweet cast, indeed: Christopher Reeve (in his last film before his riding accident), Mark Hamill, Linda Kozlowski, Michael Pare, Kirstie Alley, and Meredith Salenger.  I mean, that’s Superman, Luke Skywalker, Crocodile Dundee’s Woman, Eddie without the Cruisers, Saavik, and Natty Gan!  Unfortunately, all the talent is for naught as creepy kids who should have had a good beat down dominate the barely there adults.  Obviously, she has done drama well, but Kirstie Alley is totally unbelievable as a government scientist here, becoming almost as laughable as her best comedy. Poor Christopher Reeve is stuck as the man alone struggling needlessly against these dang alien kids and none of it really makes that much sense.  I suppose this might not be that bad and is still watchable and entertaining for the stars. But it could have been so much better- and we expect a lot more from Carpenter.

Classic Swashbuckling and Adventures

Classic Swashbucklers, Knights, and More

By Kristin Battestella

Yes, I do love me some classic film.  Moreover, if said classic film has plenty of Arthurian lords and ladies, sword fighting pirates, not so chivalrous knights, or any other medieval rogues and wenches- it’s all the better. Here’s a quick list of old school fantasy and historical films for ye olde viewing pleasure.  Break out the mead and rum!

Captain Blood – I said ‘swashbuckler’. That means we’re going to spend a lot of time with the Tasmanian ladies man himself, Errol Flynn.  In this 1935 stateside breakout full of feathers, frocks, and pirates; Flynn (The Adventures of Robin Hood) and his favorite onscreen leading lady Olivia de Havilland (Gone with the Wind, The Heiress) debate slavery, fight imperial injustice, and battle the wonderfully ruthless Basil Rathbone (The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes). Some of the music, reused seafaring footage, highbrow delivery, and over the top design might be a bit much for contemporary folks, I grant you.  However, the sweet sword fights, dashing story, and jolly good fun are a fan’s delight- and its all dang impressive for its time.  Take that, Pirates of the Caribbean!  Now, if only this were really in color, can you imagine?

Knights of the Round Table – Medieval rogue Robert Taylor (Ivanhoe, Quentin Durward) is at it again with a seriously smokin’ Ava Gardner (Mogambo, The Barefoot Contessa) in all the Arthurian Cinemascope glory one classics fan could ask for. From the sword in the stone to all those somehow fitting but out of place 14^th century French styles, director Richard Thorpe (Jailhouse Rock, The Prisoner of Zenda) keeps this colorful 1953 yarn quick and entertaining.  Yes, the dialogue is a little hokey now, but the fights and fancy, chivalry and ladies are all in good fun.  There’s even as much scandalous love as the Production Code will allow, complete with a saintly Elaine (Maureen Swanson, later even a real life countess!) and an appearance by the Holy Grail. What’s not to like?

The Lion in Winter – This 1968 opus starring Peter O’Toole (Lawrence of Arabia) as Henry II and Oscar winner Katharine Hepburn (The African Queen, Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner) as Eleanor of Aquitaine is as epic as they come.  Sure, its long and slow by today’s standards, with too many angled zooming close ups and over the top arguments for the throne; but divine locations, authentic dressings, sweet costumes,  and lovely Oscar winning music from the late James Bond composer John Barry more than make up the difference.  Add Timothy Dalton (The Living Daylights) and Anthony Hopkins (Silence of the Lambs) in their film debuts, too, and we’ve a medieval tale well told.  Die hard audiences can also take in O’Toole’s prior appearance as Henry II in Becket or compare the 2003 television The Lion in Winter starring Patrick Stewart.

The Private Lives of Elizabeth and Essex – Only an exceptional few ladies could play Good Queen Bess twice, and Bette Davis (The Virgin Queen) makes a lovely royal debut here in 1939- along with our swashbuckling essential Errol Flynn as the titular Essex and a young, pre-horror maven Vincent Price as Sir Walter Raleigh.  Toss in the wonderful schemer Olivia de Havilland (again!), some sweet costumes by Orry Kelly (Some Like it Hot, Gypsy), lovely medieval decoration, and plenty of historical drama from Oscar winning director Michael Curtiz (Casablanca, Yankee Doodle Dandy, Mildred Pierce) and you simply can’t go wrong.  And thanks to Cate Blanchett, too!

Robin and Marian ­– Contrary to our modern versions keeping Robin Hood young, pretty, non-English (I’m talking to you, Mr. Costner and Mr. Crowe) or otherwise badass; this 1976 Sean Connery (The Untouchables, Dr. No) yarn  adds a touch of vintage class and mature romance to the outlaw’s tale.  While the golden age tone and veteran retrospective bend is not what we expect, the pace and editing is a little slow at times- especially early on.  It’s a little too dark in some spots, and some of the accents are kind of annoying, too; but hey, 12^th Century England was no picnic. Thankfully, the look, style, and sword action are fun and authentic, along with the delightful cast including Audrey Hepburn (Roman Holiday, Breakfast at Tiffany’s), Richard Harris (Camelot, The Field), and Ian Holm (Alien, Lord of the Rings).  

The Sea Hawk – In Like- err Errol Flynn strikes again, this time with the none to shabby Flora Robson as Elizabeth I, another multi-talented lady reprising her turn as Her Majesty from Fire Over England (Take that Bette!). Toss in the ever wonderful Claude Raines (Casablanca, Notorious, Mr. Smith Goes to Washington) as Spanish ambassador Don Alvarez, add an armada or two, and we’re okay to go.  Some of director Michael Curtiz’ (yes, him again, too) black and white photography is showing its 70 year wear, but that doesn’t mean we have to go and bastardize it with some faux color!  Besides, not a lot of contemporary actors can look so fitting and proper in those pointy conquistador helmets, either.  The frocks- partly nipped from The Private Lives of Elizabeth and Essex- are also charming, even if the rest of the story is pretty historically inaccurate. Even with the dated fun and faults, we just don’t make strapping, family friendly, entertaining, and adventurous yarns like these anymore.  I protest!

Also, don’t forget to check out our extensive Classic Camelot and Medieval Fun list, compiling these and a slew more of ye olde films of Arthur, yore, and more!