Revisionist Almanac Let's Get Spooky Podcast Collab!

 

It was such a pleasure being asked by @AndrewCorns13 to take part in The Revisionist Almanac Podcast's Let's Get Spooky Project! My thoughts on my favorite horror films and a few more intriguing scary movie questions are included alongside several other podcasters. Listen now @RevAlmanac!

The 2024 Spooky Season Collaboration Project has arrived!

You’ll hear about some of our favorite horror movies, find out which horror sub genres we prefer, and much more.

Check out the episode which is available on all podcast streaming platforms. #Spooktober pic.twitter.com/I1qWq3LQOq

— The Revisionist's Almanac 🎥🎞️🍿 (@RevAlmanac) October 10, 2024

Also stay tuned for more 2025 spots at The Revisionist Almanac! You can keep track of my audio/visual guest appearances with our Podcast and Video labels and browse previous collabs:

Women InSession Podcast

Bedtime Stories Guest Podcast

House of Dark Shadows Guest Podcast

Gothic Romance and More at Horror Addicts.net!

Happy Halloween, Everyone! 🎃



THANK YOU for visiting I Think, Therefore I Review for our Long Read Reviews, Viewing Lists, Classic Film Talk, and TV on DVD reviews - in addition to our Horror Essays and Analysis which can also be found at HorrorAddicts.net. 💀


Missed our Latest Video Review? Follow our YouTube or Watch our Gothic Romance Commentary here:





Kristin Battestella aka Kbatz discusses Category Romance versus Gothic Literature, Slashers versus Hammer, Penny Dreadful, Mario Bava, Crimson Peak, Tom Hiddleston, Only Lovers Left Alive, and more! 


For previous videos on Dark Shadows, Edgar Allan Poe, Alfred Hitchcock, or Our Holiday Horror Gift Guide, visit our Video Page for complete coverage.

If you're interests go beyond Horror and include Gothic Decor and Halloween DIY, there's still time to check out some of my How To Kbatz Kraft articles at Horror Addicts, too! 






Cardboard Tombstone How To Video
Cardboard Tombstone Photo Shoot 
Repurposed Black Topiaries
When in Doubt, Paint it Black
How to Make Stuffed Pumpkins Video
It's a Pumpkin Cat House
Pumpkin Ottomans, Oh Yes
Halloween Candle Clusters
Yogurt Ghost Candlesticks
Creepy Cloches
Tea Stained Labels and Spooky Bottles
How Not to Make a Spooky Spellbook
DIY Cardboard Coffin


Thank you again for reading - and watching! - I Think, Therefore I Review! 📷

Retro Sword & Sorcery Fun!

Retro Sword and Sorcery Fun!

by Kristin Battestella

Surprisingly well told tales, scantily clad ladies galore, or terribly juicy shlock – either way these vintage fantasy yarns provide some enchanting entertainment.

Erik the Conqueror – Epic music and coastal waves open this 1961 viking adventure directed by Mario Bava (Black Sunday) and starring Cameron Mitchell (How to Marry a Millionaire). Maps and scrolls hear tell of 786 A.D. Dorset invasions before longboats, bloodthirsty blonde giants, horses, axes, and village fires. Scottish rivals and coups against the British king separate the rescued viking sons, establishing the personal rivalries amid up close action and well choreographed sword fights. Although the long arrows, shields, crossbows, and costuming are probably inaccurate and the English audio and subtitles don't match, this is well filmed for its time and budget with red lighting, fiery forges, and tree motifs making the viking rituals wild and otherworldly. Festive dances to Odin by vestal virgins create pageantry – a touch of magic and fantastics contrasting the regal chorales, reverence, bright tunics, and trumpets of courtly England. The visuals parallel each brother's circumstances twenty years later with grand pink and gold interiors and wide overhead shots of the divine cathedral versus forbidden love and deadly tribunals as the vikings challenge one another in fights to the death to be the king's successor. Though apparent, the pagan and Christian conflicts don't beat the audience over the head, making room for the two fold man versus man, man versus nature, man versus himself layers alongside North Sea battles, onboard spies, and betrayals. Who's savage or civilized questions and nature versus nurture debates rise as the unknown to each other brothers switch locales, trade hostages, and swap babes amid seasonal feasts, daring escapes, and twin sisters. Sometimes the misunderstandings are bemusing – people wash ashore in exactly the right place or sail between the coasts with such ease yet the right pair can't quite both be in the right country at the same time. With all the open furs and bare chests, how has no one seen the brothers' matching tattoos? Fortunately, the tale becomes darker, intermixing its distinct worlds with green lit dungeons, spider booby traps, and evil villains making for some serious moments and dramatic twists. Rival rescues, castle raids, and a big battle finale keep what is actually a simple little story entertaining. The lively blend of historical, sword, and sandal does what it says on the tin with an extra touch of Bava panache.

Sorceress – Ye olde titles, epic music, torches, horses, and red hoods provide the fantasy atmosphere opening this 1982 romp directed by Jack Hill (Spider Baby) and produced by Roger Corman (House of Usher). Bad acting with clunky deliveries, poor dubbing of the laughable dialogue, and weird fantasy-ish names hamper the sacrifices to the gods, evil warlocks, and mystical old man in white before the usual celestial prophecies and enchanted infants growing up to exact warrior revenge for low budget village massacres and typical, unnecessary violence against women. Fortunately, there's barbarian action, women wearing inexplicable see through armor, and playmate twins Leigh and Lynette Harris skinny dipping before running in slow motion with their heroic theme and bemusing magical blue glow. Sure, they aren't doing a lot of the actual fighting thanks to sped up camerawork and compensating editing – despite the mystical girl power, their male pals come to the rescue, too. Also never mind that the ladies are supposedly disguised as men because clearly they are not, and likewise ignore any of the weak explanations on light versus dark magic, full moon rituals, and ancient temples. At only eighty-two minutes, there's no time to think on these fast moving, derivative quests complete with separation ambushes, evil princesses, fiery trials, and forbidden forests. Most of the precious little money here seems spent on the exotic bazaar with belly dancing, scoundrel princes, gambling, meddling hookers, and brothel brawls. Cruel sword slashes, arrows in the back, creepy red eyes, and horny beastly things stir up the saucy palace intrigue alongside magical green visuals, catacombs coming to life, and bewitching nectars. Twin connections, however, are able to overcome any deceptions or fire in their loins – the prince has the key to her “wonderful secret” but her moaning sister feels all the hot reactions! This could have been something if it had a proper production budget or a polished script, and not, you know, camp villains, monkey suits, or a convenient, borrowed, science fiction movie light show finale. These twin twists have fun with themselves, and if you don't expect anything, you can laugh at this late night, so bad it's good lark.

Split Decision

The Warrior and The Sorceress – Producer Roger Corman strikes again with this short seventy-seven minute 1984 tale starring David Carradine amid interstellar mercenaries, magic swordsmen, and rival clans. The flat print is VHS poor with low volumes contributing to the whispering olde speaketh meets eighties modern and mumbled made up names. The dawdling dialogue doesn't really get the story going, and already the ensemble seems so weary of the script they can't be bothered with the typical, thin premise of tyrants controlling water rights while poor villages suffer. Mountainous wastelands, bewitching babes wearing nothing but ribbons, mystical weapons, and suave hooded cloaks can't compensate for the cheap looking prehistoric walled city. This is taking place on another planet to excuse the abysmal, embarrassing production design, and the sword and sorcery meets Kung Fu knockoff tone makes this tough to watch. Fortunately, some of the aimless fighting can be fun, with Grasshopper chopping off arms and swiftly handling the jerky soldiers before the half naked dancing babes give him a bath at the well. The castle interiors are better, and fire, green lighting, red accents, and evil orgies create more magic atmosphere alongside poisoned supplies, gluttony, and vengeance. However, any kind of social commentary gets lost – most of the story seems to be missing amid muddled action scenes and meaningless mobs. Why is this devil may care warrior telling each side when it's their time to use the well? It's not mysterious if his angry scowling has no motivation; we don't know how this planet got this way or why. Terrible armor, lookalike dirty rag costuming, and crawling men captioned as “fools laughing maniacally” don't tell us much, and it takes half the picture before the too few and far between rescuing babes from dungeons, heroic music, reptiles, monsters, and a killer four breasted woman. Although this is disappointingly slow, dry, and lacking in personality, it could be a doze worthy midnight yarn if you like the campy and nonsensical.

Top Ten: Directors!

Welcome to our new Top Tens series in celebration of I Think, Therefore I Review's Tenth Anniversary! These monthly lists will highlight special themes and topics from our extensive archive of reviews.

This time I Think, Therefore I Review presents in alphabetical order...

Our Top Ten Directors!

Mario Bava

John Carpenter

Roger Corman

Wes Craven

David Cronenberg

Freddie Francis

Joseph Mankiewicz

George Romero

Billy Wilder

William Wyler

Please see our Movies page for even more Classic or Horror Directors listed by Genre or Decade! And don't worry if you don't see a famous name – there are more Top Tens to come all year long!

I Think, Therefore I Review began as the blog home for previously published reviews and reprinted critiques by horror author Kristin Battestella. Naturally older articles linked here may be out of date and codes or formatting may be broken. Please excuse any errors and remember our Top Tens will generally only include films, shows, books, or music previously reviewed at I Think, Therefore I Review. 

 

More Bava Treats!

More Mario Bava Treats!

by Kristin Battestella

More than just horror, Italian director Mario Bava took on a variety of vikings, swords, sandals, and oh yeah, scares, too!

Hercules in the Haunted World – The late Christopher Lee joins Reg Park for his second eponymous 1961 Italian adventure, this time written and directed by Our Man Bava. Although the picture is a little flat now, the pleasant village, deadly raids, strong men, and tunics immediately set the Greco-Roman mood. So what if there's no real introduction until nameless bad guys comically flee at the name Hercules. Delightful colors and murky music shape the villainous scenes with red spotlights and green glows, complimenting the orange mists and colorful Styx storms. Such older entries in the sword and sandal genre are often perceived as hokey haha or Hollywood happy, so it's interesting to have the spooky amid a psychedelic oracle and this underworld quest to save an ethereal soon to be bride. The trials and task sequences, however, are uneven – some are more drawn out while others happen too easily and some are tedious, unnecessary side tracks with seriously bad looking monsters. Fortunately, pretty ladies in need of rescue fill the 90 minutes without resorting to saucy or nudity, and it's bemusing to go along with the mythical Theseus, Persephone, and Deianira for some unexpected conflicts. Lee is of course a suspicious guardian king with ulterior motives, a sly antagonist to the Buff despite his voice being dubbed. There doesn't seem to be English subtitles, either, which would have helped with the names or nonsensical dialogue. Obviously, this is more low budget than some of the earlier American epics and made for the visuals rather than the story, but the tone remains family fanciful even when the fantasy turns dark. This is a better He-Man than the Masters of the Universe movie and a poor man's Conan the Destroyer, however that isn't necessarily a bad thing. Besides, when was the last time we had purple special effects in a film, seriously? I wish modern films would forgo the absurd muscles, ridiculous CGI, and slow motion battles in favor of this kind of Bava lighting, shadows, flair, and mythological feeling.

Mario Bava: Maestro of the Macabre – Family, friends, and filmmakers including John Carpenter, Tim Burton, Joe Dante, and John Saxon recall the stylish and ground breaking flair from the Man of the Hour in this 2000 documentary. The childhood roots, bemusing anecdotes, and Bava's early camerawork move quickly with rare photographs and movie footage before setting the scene for the visual, violent substance and pushing the erotic horror envelope to come with the likes of Black Sunday, Black Sabbath, Baron Blood, Bay of Blood, and more. The lack of Bava respect stateside and later copycat stylings are also discussed – from poor dub jobs, chopped editing, artistic compromising, and watered down releases to the Lisa and the Devil versus House of Exorcism debacle and shot for shot similarities from Friday the 13^th and Alien. Bava's progressive special effects, film trickery, and metaphorical fears were precursors to the slasher genre, and his sword and sandal work, westerns, science fiction, and comedies like Dr. Goldfoot and the Bikini Machine are also given note. The time here, however, is unfortunately a little too uneven – we don't learn much about the man himself or even see Bava all that much because too much is spent on giving away great scenes from the aforementioned films. The narration is stiff, several accents and translators may be tough for some viewers to understand, and this career summary isn't anything die hard fans didn't already know. Thankfully, this hour fittingly recognizes Bava's legacy and gives some long due respect. Clip shocks and spoilers aside, this is a nice introduction in giallo education for budding scary enthusiasts.

Shock – Director Mario Bava's 1977 final film opens with a fresh start in old house – but of course, a second husband and happy family times can't compete with dangerous clutter, dusty antiques, and leftover first husband messiness. Though some kid aspects are a little annoying, the psychic tuning, ghostly possession, and scary required for this seemingly aware villa with a spooky basement, creaking doors, claustrophobic brick walls, mysterious objects, and strange occurrences is pretty heavy. Daily child's play and household accidents with glass shattering, crashing shutters, piano slams, sharp scissors, and nasty rakes take on voodoo doll precision as the deadly intentions toward our parents mount. Previous abuses and breakdowns endured, however, cloud whether this supernatural seeing and feeling is real or all in one's mind. The picture quality is somewhat flat, dark, and drab, too, which makes the production look bad or lower budget than it was. Fortunately, there is still a fine color design alongside trademark Bava styled mirrors, lighting, stairs, and shadows with ominous piano music and record players to match. Intercut editing parallels swings, a ticking metronome, and dangerous piloting while moody dreams and hazy past memories add uneasy ambiguity to the nudity, showering, Oedipal shade, icky hands, and beneath the sheets bizarre. This near forty year old familial plot seems ahead of its time and recent attempts on the theme aren't always as good. Yes, a slicing and dicing switchblade flying about is hokey, but we don't have in your face ghosts destroying the illusions here. A frenetic, stressful unraveling contributes to the final unexpected revelations, and the small cast and minimal locations do quite well with the escalating human fears and paranormal hysteria.

A Skipper for Me

Knives of the Avenger – Epic scoring, coastal pretty, Odin worship, prophecy, pillage, and vengeance set the spirit for this 1966 Bava helmed viking adventure starring Cameron Mitchell (also of Blood and Black Lace). For an hour and a half picture, things are slow to start with a lot of padded time before anything actually happens. Confusing anglicized names, uneven dubbing, and contradictory exposition make it tough to tell who is who despite a simple western designed plot. The titular slicing and violence spices up several battles, but this would be good guy defending an exiled mom – who's peasant disguise and regal secret are obvious – and her son ingratiates himself too quickly and conveniently compared to the doom and gloom introduction. Flashback battles with critical backstory should have been fully shown rather than snippet told and narrated. Naturally, this isn't the spectacle of today, but the small scale and low budget is much more hampered than usual. Guilt ridden voiceovers don't gloss over the expected but no less upsetting violence against women, and plot twists make it tough to like the supposed hero even if he is trying to rectify past wrongs. Is it meant to be endearing or quaint if a boy takes to a man who may be his father from a rape or if the queen can't recognize her masked rapist? Would she be interested in her new protector and conflicted over waiting for her husband if she knew he was her past attacker? This isn't romantic – actually, it's repulsive that her violation and point of view are treated as inconsequential plot points. It's tough to enjoy Bava's nuances in color, zooms, and camerawork for the big battle finale when the eponymous avenger is avenging the death of his family by raping another and calling it love. This could have been a sweeping, fun tale, but the story and pace are at best muddled and at worse offensive.

More Mario Bava Horror!

Bava Horror, Again!

by Kristin Battestella

What's not to love for the classic horror viewer when it comes to the stylish scares, tempting thrills, and colorful chills from that giallo master Mario Bava?

A Bay of Blood – Signor Bava directs this 1971 plot of heiresses, real estate, and murder – you know, the usual – with his expected mix of upscale cinematography and unsettling panache. Storms and classical melodies create a sadness to start as nasty deaths disrupt a would be old time gentility. There's no dialogue for the first ten minutes, but the silently designed kills are tantalizing nonetheless. Add swanky affairs, alluring secretaries, and skinny dipping run afoul to the zany fortune tellers and partying teens, and all today's quintessential horror ingredients pack these eighty-four minutes. Pretty outdoor designs give way to blue nighttime hues and noir lit interiors add mood while red accents ominously treat the eye. Eerily framed bodies, hallways, and faux suicide notes add layers as those seventies zooms mirror the characters' swoons and fears. Although this is more bloody than Bava's earlier works – which some may like and others may not – the bodies here are normal compared to contemporary bimbos. The gory chase, squeamish squidworks, and nasty hatchet slices are artistically juxtaposed with sunshine, birds chirping, and that Bava delicacy. Of course, the weak script is certainly not perfect, the English audio is too low, the subtitles don't quite sync, and who is who or double crossing whom can be very confusing. Thankfully, the inheritance battles, illegitimate mysteries, and one by one eliminations mix well with the sex and violence. The bodies pile up in unique ways, and Friday the 13^th certainly copied a kill or two! Some scenes may feel slasher for slasher's sake, but the stylish, somewhat melancholy tone remains strong. Everyone is fighting over this lovely land whilst also ruining it with ghoulish mayhem, and this deadly mystery is still an exciting grandpappy for the slasher genre.

Blood and Black Lace – Sweet, jazzy rhythms, classy titles, and a suspicious tone open this 1964 ninety minutes – one of Bava's earlier saucies full of secret diaries, scandal, drugs, hysterical dames, and murder. Though a little slow to get going thanks to confusing lookalike women, uneven or hampered dubbing, and misogynistic “I don't believe in permanent, exclusive relationships” two-timing men; the violence here is carefully styled and well filmed whilst also being rough, haphazard, congested, and disturbingly intimate as such horror risque should be. It is chilling and uncomfortable to watch as these women are attacked, abused, and tortured – this is real world scary violence not the fantastic or fake monsters. Ripped garments and blood marring the pretty faces add enough skin and gore suggestions alongside a vivid palette of flashing lights, shadow schemes in multiple colors, and symbolic reds matching the illicit. Rome exteriors, layered décor, and fancy frocks accent the mid century behind the scenes fashion drama, and delightful editing, interesting camera framing, and multi action intercutting raise the tension. The viewer side eyes these naughty women going off alone at night with obsessed, lusty men, yet it's fun to suspect as the screams and crazy turns add surprises. Who is this fedora wearing masked killer so desperate to keep the off the time racy hidden? Sure, the lethal planning and police investigation are a little sloppy; the subtitles don't match and thus send some of the details amiss. However, the deadly vignettes progress into a intriguing mystery rooted in a realistic setting and simmering schemes – making this little thriller a wild, must see precursor to slice and dice horror as we know it. 

 

5 Dolls for an August Moon – A swanky, sunny, coastal start with groovy records, spinning beds, and heady parties full of glitz and glamour quickly leads to bad business deals, isolated island danger, and mysterious science experiments in this 1970 thriller. Jokes about virgin sacrifices and saucy torture make way for kinky seductions, skimpy skin, juicy gold digging dames, and shady millionaires. No price – such as a life or two – is too much for this elusive formula, and smartly used darkness, silhouettes, and flickering lights accent the fine editing and carefully placed zooms. Though perhaps dated, now period flair and colorful Bava style don't look budget, and early genre staples add panache. From a false scary start to a scantily clad running beauty and a group of people trapped with a high stakes killer, the eighty minute suspense moves quickly as the players fall. Some of the back and forth money double talk might get lost in translation amid the Italian audio and English subtitles and too many Jacks and/or Jacques do make it tough to tell who is who. However, the dead piling up in the freezer adds a touch of humor, and it's amusing how the money and formula are more important to these people than finding the killer! Interesting lady leaning innuendo, character turnabouts, missing money, and finger pointing accusations accent the deadly competition, and red herrings lead to some excellent ante ups for the final twenty minutes. No, there isn't a lot of outright slice and dice scary or gore as may be expected, and calling this horror feels slightly mislabeled. Fortunately, there is a lot of entertaining tension here to match the interconnecting intrigue, and it's fun to guess who's behind the 'formulaic' foul play.

Hatchet for the Honeymoon – Romantic scoring and stylish red designs over the opening credits of this eighty eight minute 1970 slasher deflect the killer scares to come, but arty, distorted deaths and dreamlike swirls are edited in time with the eponymous slices, shiny blades, symbolic wedding night blood, and bridal voyeurism. Unique camera shots and frames filmed through the mirrors or the internal fashion photo shoot lenses add to the quality, non herky jerky camera movements, and creepy mannequins, seances, secret rooms, askew sexuality, marital dysfunction, and beautiful roses create heaps of atmosphere along with lovely locales, lush interiors, and a spooky speeding train. The killer narration is also bemusingly honest – this psychopath nonchalantly admits where the tallied and once pretty bodies are buried and how he hates his brow beating but unaware spiritualist wife Laura Betti, also of A Bay of Blood. The struggle against the urge to kill escalates as painful memories and seductive, tempting models help piece together this deadly psyche and the murderous source. Brief mentions of a faltering business and rocky inheritance, however, seem of little importance, and the police investigation feels too weak, even easy. Obviously, there are also perhaps too many motherly roots and Psycho parallels, but strangely, partway through the time here, the murdering mayhem turns into something more paranormal. The audience is intrigued by the killer and the surrounding twistedness, but this seemingly rushed double plot tries to do too much. Thankfully, there is a wacky, whimsical mood and internal wink to the deathly love and saucy subtext without the need for excessive skin or gore. There are some fun spins here to keep the bridal butchery entertaining, and I'm surprised this one seems a little unloved.

Kill, Baby, Kill – From the period start with bloody spikes, evil child laughter, and coffins to the superb crumbling locales, bleak landscapes, and foggy cemetery – Maestro Bava invokes the total gothic formula for a macabre, dreadful mood in this 1966 mystery. Horrendous deaths, a foreign doctor's arrival, the mysterious baroness on the continent, suspicious townsfolk, village curses, and carriages complete with fearful drivers blossom amid an impeded investigation, reluctant autopsies, scared girls, and scary ladies. Eerie rituals and specters tapping at the window escalate the suspense while a dizzying spiral staircase and carefully placed zooms increase anxiousness – be they fast, hectic ascents or slow, simmering tracking shots. The print would show its age and low budget, but there are no faded visuals here thanks to the intentionally lush dimension, well lit design, smart shadows, strategic cobwebs, and spooky chic interiors. The hazy dream sequence isn't over the top yet remains disturbing alongside an orchestra of scary sounds, cat meows, and tolling bells topping off the atmosphere. While those familiar with the gothic Hammer productions or our recent American in another country versus juvenile phantom trends may find some elements predictable or the expositions convenient; skin suggestions and hints of blood do enough without the need for excessive nudity or gore. The English audio and subtitles are pretty good, too, and the players are quite fine over the fast moving eighty-three minute duration. Whichever of the assorted distribution titles you find this one under, there's no reason not to like the creepy mysteries, spooky revelations, paranormal fun, and sorcery shocks here.

Demonic Viewings III

Demonic Viewings III

By Kristin Battestella

Now’s the time of year to get your demented on with this creepy quartet of devilish delights, occult macabre, witchy history, and a hint of classic sadism for good measure!

Devils of Darkness – The British accents, French flair, and uneven sounds may be tough or too slow for some to enjoy this 1965 vampires meets occult adventure, but those are the only quibbles here thanks to superior 1588 cemeteries, fog, red capes, coffins, bats, curses, and plenty of death. Then modern cars, swanky music, antiques, typewriters, and country manors are also sweet, and ritual All Soul’s Day re-enactments, sixties hair, pale skin, cat eye makeup, and cool fashions add to the fun. Witty puns and writer suspicions create a self-aware horror investigation as the witchcraft history and black magic mythos builds nicely– complete with a library research visit! Cave in action, suave but sinister strangers, and superstitious village folk expand the simmering, eerie atmosphere while howling winds and fiery rituals scare without resorting to the excessive bloodworks or unnecessary nudity that would become the standard within a decade. The audience doesn’t see any vampire bites – we only have talk of neck marks and terms like undead or living dead – but jealous vamp ladies accelerate the plot along with strategic sprinkles of bright red, cult talismans, the satanic, daylight fears, and nightly feedings. Obviously, Satanism and vampirism don’t have to go hand in hand or are often misunderstood combinations. However, this remains a well-paced and smartly put together blend of occult quality and vampire unique for classic horror fans.

Legacy of Satan – Talk of celestial alignments, blood, and flesh start this 1974 occultster written, edited, and directed by Gerard Damiano (Deep Throat, Devil in Miss Jones).  Along with sexy unions, creepy ritual chanting, and jarring but effective up close camera work, eerie shadows, chained subjects and shiny red robes set the mood – so what if those giant crescent moon necklace pendants are ridiculously oversized and the rituals largely happen in a devoid, dark room.  Woefully bad and obnoxious, siren-esque music contributes to the annoy crazy ladies, and the bad acting, lookalike people, and over the top evil prophecy double talk hamper what could have been interested God versus the Devil conversations or punishment and repression possibilities. The audience has no reason to care about the anonymous hokey players, and there might actually be more fun to be had here on mute. Some bright colors, cool clothes, and patterns of the era are appealing, but the lack of true nudity and skimpy sacrifices writhing about in kinky invisibility will be either too short or overlong depending on how saucy you like your horror. At under 70 minutes, the pace moves from one heady ritual scene to the next, but the overall tone is ironically tame and lacking despite a few bloody attacks and quality deaths. The action is confusing and this is all really quite nonsensical, yet I found it strangely badly watchable nonetheless.

 

Satan’s Slave – If you have a bad feeling about your upcoming family trip to the country, you aren’t supposed to go! Candace Glendenning’s (Tower of Evil) visions of past witch persecutions pepper this 1976 saucy with early and often rituals, nudity, and sexual violence – the seventies bush, lesbian ceremony suggestions, titillation whippings, and exploitation brandings won’t be for everyone, indeed. Toss in seemingly classy doctoring uncle Michael Gough (Batman Returns) along with the creepy houses, fiery car accidents, snakes, and cemeteries and the ancestral connections, sacrifices, and devilish devotions are complete. Spooky winds, a fine score, lovely exteriors, and wayward elevators add to the smooth deaths and blood despite a whiff of laughable film trickery. Though part of the print is dark and does jump as if missing footage has been restored – the widescreen edition on the Mill Creek Gorehouse set is missing the scissors assault scene but other once censored violence appears intact – shadows and lighting are well staged. Some exposition is surprising but the intercut revelation keeps up the juicy pace, and there will be penalties for talking, of course. The mystery as to who is doing the occultness or how deep the murderous tendencies and necromancy go build nicely with some eerie turns and a fun finish. So why is the only seventies tenderly sex scene the one between the more than kissing cousins? Ewww!

The Whip and the Body – The suave, scandalous, sadistic Christopher Lee has a kinky good time with the lovely Daliah Lavi (The Silencers) for this moody 1963 treat from director Mario Bava (Black Sunday). Superb music, lightning, howling winds, and all kinds of eerie sound effects accent the horses, waterfront locales, crypts, and secret passages while gothic Victorian waistcoats and hoopskirts feel medieval thanks to the Old World setting and decorum. Blue lighting and scary shadows draft a hazy, lucid atmosphere, and in camera movement and zooms create an uneasy, unsettled stage for the cast, relying on their fear and building ours as the not at rest spirits go bump in the night. The pace may be slow, laid back, or simplistic to modern audiences, but intriguing characters and family conflicts add to the murderous suspicion – surely, a ghost can’t be committing these crimes! While we only see unlaced dressings or bare backs, there is more than a whiff of naughty in the titular beatings, illicit beachfront romance, and twisted love of violence transcending the grave. Lee adds an alluring tone to these scares, and Lavi certainly does petrified well! Due to some unfortunate dubbing, it is weird to not hear Lee’s booming voice, and I wish there was some magical way to restore his recording. Luckily, the voiceovers don’t mismatch anyone’s lips too much, mostly. Contemporary viewers may find some of this dialogue and delivery amusing, but the script is fairly taut thanks to excellent haunts, a ghostly, simmering feeling, and a shocker or two. Some scenes here certainly gave me the wiggins, and I don’t know why this film was so obscure and rather tough to find before the recent blu-ray release. This one is definitely worth the look for gothic lovers and fans of the sophisticated style or classy cast and crew.

Mario Bava Horror Special!

Bava Horror, Anyone?

By Kristin Battestella

In my ongoing search for upper crust, classic European Horror, one name consistently tops the charts: Mario Bava. Here’s a small sampling of Italian made treats – and one warning of how not to botch a perfectly good Bava tale. 

Baron Blood – Joseph Cotten (Citizen Kane) and Elke Sommer (more on her in a bit) star in this often unloved 1972 tale of family curses, and the mix of centuries old torture, witches, hidden treasure, and vengeance does indeed need some polish and clarification. Is this about the past cruelty, the raised baron, or the contemporary haunted hotel? Why do these clearly out of their depth people go messing with these past horrors anyway? Despite a bright, swanky, jet setting, and cliché start – an American coming back to his spooky ancestral Austrian castle complete with outfitted dungeon – the titular ghost talk, tolling bells, and incantations build suspense. The accents, poor script, and exposition scenes may be tough, but the dark, murderous actions counter the lack of motivation or room to maneuver from the cast. How is the viewer to like them when the resurrected baron is their fault? Thankfully, the country locales and estates look lovely – the partially restored castle is both dreary as needed or lit with just the right ambiance and fog. Perspective kills, scary zooms, angles, shocks, chases, and kids in peril continue the creepy, and the sickening makeup is burned and nasty effective. The wheelchair bound Cotten does add some slick and twisted layers, however, we don’t see him enough to enjoy his nuances. The picture is off on the wrong foot and hampers itself under a muddled story because it doesn’t focus on the eponymous character. This is rougher around the edges than Bava’s usual style, charisma, and mood, granted, yet the look and players remain just watchable enough thanks to an entertaining finale.

Black Sunday – We’ve seen other anniversary curses and execution revenge pictures beyond this 1960 black and white so-called Bava directing debut, originally edited and released by AIP stateside without its proper Mask of Satan title. Every cliché is here, complete with a coach breaking down in front of a derelict mansion, scholars turned grave robbers, and a few drops of blood releasing a ghoulish mistake, but we’ve never seen such lurid family history, look a like damsels, and undead doctors like this. The stereotypical hysterias, Old World mysticism, Eastern European staples, and Moldavia vibes not only work, but the opening 17^th century fire and brimstone narration is darn effective with excellent wind and thunder to match. Sudden movements add surreal jump scares, but fog, phantom carriages, and creepy forests know when to be still. Artfully, posed scenes are filmed thru branches, shadows, cobwebs, and smoke – almost like a silent movie. Sure, this was probably done to conceal the on the cheap but no less crafty period flair or assorted set flaws, but the design looks damn scary and perfectly atmospheric. I wouldn’t go out alone at night and milk the cow either! Though the English delivery and vocals are very well done, it is unfortunate Barbara Steele (The Pit and the Pendulum) is dubbed. Nonetheless, her dual role as the ingénue princess and the not so well to do witch is ethereal and captivating – the classic lighting and photography captures her stunning beauty as well as the totally creepy corpse effects and ghouly makeup. Of course, the blood necessities, servants dead in the day but alive at night, bodily possessions, and witch or vampire and Satanist terms are all somehow used wrongfully or interchangeably as needed; yet the science versus occult talk is also well thought out, even ahead of its time. Thankfully, the complete 87 minute European version has all the simmering pace and swelling music intact, and one can see why so many other films followed this model. Why did we forget how to make pictures like this? 

Planet of the Vampires –AIP also co-produced this 1965 Bava science fiction horror bizarre, and though old, the space effects look good, even sophisticated for the most part. The thin science and early space flight futuristic lingo is dated, of course, but existential, non-corporeal spins, infrared light, lots of smoke, alien green glows, and more surreal visual designs assure the audience this isn’t the Lost in Space juvenile style of the time. Though the uniforms look like cast offs from the first X-Men movie, the atmosphere doesn’t feel low budget or foreign cheap thanks to Bava’s in-camera tricks and flair. Today’s CGI spoiled viewers may be unaccustomed to the sparse rooms, big buttons, lights, knobs, and sci-fi gizmos, but this nostalgic charm helps make up for some of the who is who confusion and slow start. Sound effects and scoring also accent the very interesting premise, scary disaster mood, and planetary dangers as the straight SF adventure turns bloody and deadly. The quiet exploring and festering creepy tops when the undead astronauts rise, and wise viewers can definitely see the space horror genre influences here – mystery homing beacon, giant calcified ancient skull, ominous massive alien spacecraft and all coughaliencough. Fans of Bava’s gothic horror designs or gory lovers may find this picture an unconventional departure and not even necessarily horror – and it is more in the spirit of a macabre anthology episode – but fans of his style and even straight SF audiences should take a look.

Also See

Lisa and the Devil – The dubbing is off, the spoken volumes low and the music too loud and over the top for this dreamy, stylized, and somewhat confusing 1974 Bava bent. Subtitles are definitely a must to help explain the mysterious men, macabre apparitions, bizarre guests, and Spanish flair. The maze like city streets, weird statues, cluttered Old World feelings and eerie estate, however, are perfectly atmospheric and match the almost elegant filmmaking. Fresh color and blood add to the scandals and up close, erratic violence while reflections, zooms, and angled camerawork anchor the photography and parallel the multi dimensional players and their affairs, secrets, and crimes. This ensemble is aware of their spooky circumstances, even when the script is uneven with superfluous soliloquies and silence. Wispy flashbacks take too much time to explain all the past connections, yet the tale also seems overlong like a 85 minute supersized anthology segment. The nasty implications will be tough to watch, too, but the unique saucy and peculiar sensuality is smartly obscured what we think we see sex and nudity. Telly Savalas (Kojak) is likewise creepy yet charismatic with the svelte ingénue Elke Sommer, and this crisscrossing mix of doppelgangers, demons, and the dead is a bizarrely entertaining, twisted little ride.

But Skip

House of Exorcism – Stay with me now, for this re-edited version of Lisa and the Devil from producer Alfredo Leone adds new possession themes, exorcism footage, and Robert Alda (Rhapsody in Blue) as the titular performing priest in an attempt to mainstream Bava’s Euro-fashioned uncut edition. From different opening titles and the re-christened Mickey Lion aka Leone directing to more blood, violence, and intercut medical scenes, it’s apparent this is not the same film. Sommer’s grunting and demonic scenes are embarrassing and somehow seem more exploitative than her nasty sex scene in Lisa and the Devil. Not that this is a bad performance by Elke, but the crass sex, extra boob shots, and full frontal nudity just seems so classless – sex and priests just don’t feel right then or now. All the exorcism clichés seem trashy, and the language is so unnecessarily foul it’s almost funny: “Where do you come from?” “A cunt, you jerk!” Wtf? “Don’t break my balls, Priest!” Granted, Bava’s tale is confusing, but this Lisa being possessed has nothing to do with the doubly flashback scandals and makes even less sense. Would I have liked to see an exorcism or possession drama from Bava? Sure. Is this it? No. Die-hard fans may like to watch and compare, but otherwise, don’t bother with this rehash.

Dr. Goldfoot, The Bikini Machine, and The Girl Bombs!

First Dr. GoldFoot Film Great Camp Fun – The Second, Not So Much!

By Kristin Battestella

Mad Scientist Dr. Goldfoot (Vincent Price) uses his Bikini Machine to create robot ladies in the near perfect 1965 spy spoof Dr. Goldfoot and the Bikini Machine. He trains his mechanical gals to conquer elite gentleman around the globe and marry into position as needed in his quest for world domination, further seen in the inferior but still fun 1966 sequel Dr. Goldfoot and the Girl Bombs.

Austin Powers certainly took a hint from director Norman Taurog (Boys Town) and his AIP produced Bikini Machine, and the “San Francisco, the Day after Tomorrow” title card tells the audience what kind of fun to expect, indeed.  Great visual cues set up numerous backhand quips, puns, and double entendres from Louis M. Heyward (Witchfinder General), Elwood Ullman (The Three Stooges), Robert Kaufman (Ski Party), and producer James H. Nicholson’s snappy, smart script – as one man from Goldfoot’s Secret Intelligence Command nemesis reminds another, “You’re a SIC man!” Spot on comedic timing and quality slapstick helps the laughs, too, not to mention lots of girls in gold bikinis filling in between the goofy. Varying film speeds, camera tricks, and backwards footage are certainly obvious and even stupid looking today, yet these simplistic efforts add to the camp charm. The plot may seem straightforward enough, but these extras work on all levels thanks to the great dialogue, fun performances, and even a twist or two. Although there are a few cemetery scenes, some ghoulish humor, and references to Price’s previous AIP Poe movies along with the Beach Party jokes, Price laymen may should definitely not expect anything scary here. Similar in camp to the sixties Batman series, Dr. Goldfoot and the Bikini Machine has a skill and maturity in its goofy rather than just being juvenile, and the hair brained chase finale caps off all the humorous action.

Vincent Price of course, plays the titular diabolical wonderfully – from the cliché golden slippers and smoking jacket to his totally casual and subtle style of being so over the top. I dare say he could have been a Bond villain back in the day, as despite the comic tone, Dr. Goldfoot does indeed make one consider this sinister possibility. Dr. G. kills the lady competition with “wife disposing devices” – opera glasses with hidden poison daggers or laser lipsticks! It’s so absurd that it’s good. Price is clearly having fun with all the onscreen incompetence around Goldfoot, and Jack Mullaney (Tickle Me) is smart foil as Igor, Dr. G.’s “dug up grave digger” assistant who often wishes he had stayed dead.  He’s a fun little shadow and provides some great physical gags for Big V at his own expense. Understated moments where Igor must drive Goldfoot’s Cadillac even though the Doctor is riding up front to chastise him add quirky charm, and their motorcycle and sidecar scenes are simply classic!

Surprisingly, crooner turned Beach Party alum Frankie Avalon is quite good as Double O and a Quarter SIC man Craig Gamble. He’s cheap and dorky rather than his hep cat self, and the tiptoeing, breaking of the fourth wall, and physical comedy elements work wonderfully along side his Uncle Donald foil Fred Clark (How to Marry a Millionaire). Susan Hart (The Ghost in the Invisible Bikini) as Diane aka Number 11 also fits the bill whether she’s an over the top southern belle robot or spouting French – whatever’s needed for her next manly conquest. All the chicks in Bikini Bombs are more kinky and on the prowl than the bumbling boys, but they have some great, goofy expressions.  Dwayne Hickman (The Many Loves of Dobie Gillis) as Todd Armstrong is slightly run of the mill or a bit of a step down from Avalon, but thankfully, the boys are similar enough for a few solid gags and hi jinks. Likewise, the cameo from the late Annette Funicello is delightful.  

Naturally, to go along with all the babes and humor, Dr. Goldfoot and the Bikini Machine has some spiffy, catchy music from The Supremes and several other sixties tunes. A few club scenes and onscreen concerts make one wonder what might have been had they developed musical plans for Dr. G as intended, but the  Claymation titles, great ladies clothes, suave men’s suits, San Fran trolleys, cool cars, and fun gadgets keep the camp mid century flavors intact.  The then high tech looking mad scientist lab, oversized machinery, lots of blinking lights, and fun sounds top off the mod décor and perfectly bad visual effects. Nods to AIP’s Poe series surface again thanks to reused footage and sets, and Dr. G’s secret funeral parlor lair full of gothic colors and décor adds some fun macabre, too. Despite the diabolical mission and sexuality of Bikini Machine, even tongue in cheek separate marital beds make an appearance!

Unfortunately, the local flavors and somewhat cardboard set designs for Dr. Goldfoot and the Girl Bombs aren’t as magical as the real San Fran scenery peppering the first film. A quick refresher and clips montage from Bikini Machine introduces Girl Bombs, but the visuals just don’t match up.  While there are still big old gadgets and futuristic sixties gizmos, Girl Bombs has less goofy effects and camera tricks. Even the gold bathing suits and bikinis have more fabric, and surprisingly, the period European fashions are less than stellar. Though there are some dynamite record players and mod décor, without any titular tunes, Girl Bombs just feels as if it has less zing and personality as the not so dearly departed Dr. G again takes on the world one NATO general at a time.

Oft-horror director Mario Bava (Black Sunday) helms the 1966 AIP Italian produced Girl Bombs, but the Paris plots and intrigue in Rome somehow don’t live up to their Dr. Goldfoot predecessor. The idea of Goldfoot taking on Europe should be rife with all sorts of foreign humor or jet setting hi jinks, but the 80 minutes here feels smaller, as if the ante was not upped when it almost always should be for a sequel.  The slapstick also isn’t as good, and the slowed pace drags more in the Price-less scenes (I had to do it!) Big V’s campy fans can still find some merit here, but the mainstream catchy, funny, and sexy seem absent. Girl Bombs simply does not have enough gags per minute nor a taught script to carry the overlong chase finale.  Every overused trick– including silent moving hamming and inter titles – happens too late and it’s laid on thick for the rushed, nonsensical, and confusing finish.

Thankfully, the eponymous Doc remains ever irrepressible. Price is the only returning cast member for Girl Bombs, but he’s having globe hopping fun as several bemusing and contrasting characters. There’s a class to his camp, and when he breaks the fourth wall, it proves that all we really need to keep a presentation interesting are Price and an audience – even in these outlandish Dr. Goldfoot films. Without a doubt, his scenes are the best ones in Girl Bombs, and I’m amazed he can get those zingers out with a straight face! Sadly, the former pop sensation turned actor Fabian (North to Alaska) comes off as a bit lame in his scenes with Price, and most of the dames aren’t that dynamic. I feel like the Girl Bombs actually don’t have that much to do! Likewise, Italian comedy stars Franco Franchi and Ciccio Ingrassia suffer in translation.  A lot of their dubbed quips and Italian gags or mannerisms simply don’t come across, and their set ups seem awkward – almost as if they are playing in a separate film spliced with Girl Bombs. 

 

It’s a pity really that Dr. Goldfoot and the Girl Bombs had such an inferior production, for if the quality of the original Bikini Machine had remained, it would have been great to see more of Dr. G. The AIP television episode entitled The Wild Weird World of Dr. Goldfoot gives hints of the musical possibilities, but alas, it and Dr. Goldfoot and the Girl Bombs are not currently available on video.  The DVD of Dr. Goldfoot and the Bikini Machine is also elusive, even on Netflix, but a dual edition is apparently available on Amazon.These print pursuits aside, young, old, or young at heart fans of Austin Powers, straight spy films, or action spoofs can delight in the stupidity and campy charm of Vincent Price and Dr. Goldfoot and the Bikini Machine.