Two for One Horror Conundrums

Two for One Horror Conundrums

by Kristin Battestella

These recent horror releases start off as one thing and become something else – biting off a bit more than they can chew with a mixed bag of entertaining, annoying, and even laughable results.

Doctor Sleep – Ewan McGregor (Nightwatch) and Rebecca Ferguson (The Girl on the Train) lead this 2019 sequel incorporating Stephen King's novels as well as The Shining's changes with 1980 campers in the woods and a creepy woman in a magic hat before Overlook Hotel landscapes, that infamous Room 237, and terrified children. Overhead angles, upside down camerawork, and chilling beats accent nightmares, boxing up the mind from evil, seedy movie theaters, and subliminal revenge. Unfortunately, the intermingled The Shining revisits and new inconsistencies keep restarting the plot. It's odd to see people recreating characters from the first movie alongside ghosts, telepathic explanations, birthday parties, and drunken escapades that again reset. The first half hour meanders, leaving the audience wondering how these 2011 strangers, eerie coastal rituals, and tempting offers to stay youthful forever are all connected to Danny's AA meetings and his touching fresh start as the titular orderly using his shine to ease dying patients. The momentum changes once more eight years later thanks to telepathic messages on the chalkboard, chilling Jedi mind tricks, a spooky troop running low on steam, and disturbing abduction vignettes. Interconnected visions made completely clear, automatic writing, channeling clues, and shining lookers experiencing the killer acts are intriguing, if jumbled together when the segments with specific characters each deserve focus. It's great when our shining friends finally meet – there's only a few like them in a lifetime and now someone is eating their shine. Warnings not attract people's attention lead to spooky silhouettes, ghostly catch ups, and filing cabinets to store the evil in the mind. Astral projection distortions are well done with warped reflections, ominous clouds, bloody noses, and flickering electric amid power struggles and who's tracking whom turnabouts. However high stakes are made simple with easy psychic ruses and instant traveling; the build up takes longer than the confrontations thanks to fast captures and fatal changes leaving little time to explore anonymous vampires snuffed out in quick shootouts. Internal struggles between alcohol and gifts are gotten over in a brief choice before car accidents, amplified mental powers, and rushed confrontations as the current action hurries back to the snowy Overlook in the last hour. The powerful psychics are suddenly vulnerable, susceptible to the hungry ghosts as the abandoned hotel awakens – Gold Room, axed door, and all. The payoff would have been worthwhile if we had more time with the characters, for entire scenes mimic The Shining, falling back on familiar corridors, typewriters, and hedge mazes rather than fleshing out daddy issues and alcoholism as a hereditary disease. Although entertaining with great scares and paranormal atmosphere, the back and forth, up the stairs and down the stairs action becomes one overlong movie serving two masters, struggling between pacing the book on its own and falling back on the Kubrick connections when one season of psychic vampires and then a second season revisiting the Overlook would have done wonders.

Skip It

Child's Play – Single mom Aubrey Plaza (Parks and Recreation) leads this 2019 re-imagining complete with uncanny valley ugly designs, compromised safety protocols, and creepy commercials for the new high tech Buddi doll. Stormy nights, disgruntled employees, and customer complaints lead to our pretentious son obsessed with his phone and too mature to play with a returned, defective, re-gifted doll. Instead he hangs out on the dark streets with his hood up – emo yet hip and making friends with a policeman neighbor when not using the doll to frighten mom's jerky boyfriend with generic jump scares. Mistaken commands and bonding moments are meant to be cute, getting the loneliness across in charming montages with social statements about a robot being a child's only friend. However, the supposed fun and games are intermixed with mechanical point of view, glitches, glowing eyes, creepy robotic talking, and knives. We know scary is to come – negating the sympathy with cats in peril, misused technology for one's own gain, and commands not to harm people a la Terminator 2. Internal references to evil robots and horror movies are out of touch, breaking viewer immersion because they are for the adult audience not the young protagonists onscreen. Lighting, shadows, and camera angles accentuate snippets of chilling horror, but then more forced whimsy flat lines the simmering mood. Most scenes also happen at night just for artificial menace – mom's nasty boyfriend even takes down the outdoor Christmas lights in the dark but it's tough to appreciate the ladder dangers, strangling light strings, and kids wearing headphones who can't hear the lawn equipment buzzing because of the crass overkill and laughable chopped head hot potato. How old does a kid have to be before he realizes he can't wish someone dead or cry when the batteries are taken out of his evil toy? Empathy and conflict suffer between the dual attempt at independent technological intelligence warnings and Chucky franchise sardonic. Cheap bathroom thrills and contrived suspense over automated devices not turning on the lights acerbate excessive torture porn as deaths go on and on with redundant stabbings, saws, driver-less cars, and splatter. There's no reason for the extra gore, our youth being deaf, or the family being white. It's downtrodden Chicago but only the supporting players are allowed to be Black in a mainstream horror release, and placing an old black lady in terror as if we're supposed to cheer because she's sassy to the end compounds the back and forth humor or horror insulting the audience. The tweens had numerous opportunities to tell an adult about the violence but they blame the grown ups when they aren't believed. The overlong plot and mixed motivations sway as needed, tacking on shopping hysteria, gory marketing displays, and remote control airplane propellers slicing a trapped crowd. The last fifteen minutes are an absurd department store bloodbath with our kids wielding a laughably convenient hedge trimmer. Despite potential, producer Seth Grahame-Smith (Pride and Prejudice and Zombies) once again runs someone else's I.P. into the ground thanks to reshoots and too many behind the scenes hands in the pot ripping off multiple themes. Maybe this is watchable for casual horror viewers, but the messy, repetitive cliches aren't as fun as the original Child's Play.

What the Heck?

Everfall – I didn't expect this 2017 indie to be good – I just wanted to see figure skaters in a horror movie. Epic mountains and action cam stunts, however, try hard while our melodramatic, washed up ingenue is late to the rink. She says there's not going to be a next time for her boyfriend to choose the rush over her – not because she is ditching this terribly toxic relationship, but because she fell and is out of the competition. Flashbacks and injury scars lead to crying in the shower, insistence that her boyfriend isn't the issue, and a fed up coach sending her to the obscure titular festival. The contrived family troubles, skating struggles, bad vibes boyfriend, previous fires, and cursed arena are all revealed upfront, but our snobby skater refuses everyone trying to help her and most of the characters are jerks or idiots. There's a ridiculous exaggeration about the death spiral maneuver, too – as if someone thought it was something scary and ominous enough to make a horror movie around it without ever showing anyone doing the move properly. Creepy rink officials, “dark atmospheric music” captions, and people walking around an ice rink like it is some latent scary place are too awkward, and no one's in a rush to call the police after an off camera witnessing of a girl shooting herself, because of course nothing in the arena is what it appears to be. Convenient screens show past videos yet phones are deliberately left at home, and it's up to our concerned mom to do a Google search and read Wikipedia aloud. Dressing Room 5 has an evil red door with talk of witches, rituals, and kids said to be scarified in an annual reaping along with everything else that's being thrown in here like candles, heartbeats, and ghostly little girls being chased up and down the same hallway. There's an angry firefighter ex-husband, too, and the useless daredevil douche boyfriend belittling her into pranks, injury, and ruining her skating keeps going on and on as if him being the cause should be some kind of surprise. Emotional music matches the imaginary resets for some of the best moments, but it's all a horror ruse so how are we supposed to be moved when we don't know which has really happened? There's messing with unreliability and then there's paining your audience by faking your way through the holes in the story. There's no reason to care about the past traumas or comeuppance, and if this is about the horror of an asshole boyfriend, we figured that out in the first five minutes. Not only is this a bad horror movie, but there's next to no on ice action. I'm so annoyed.

Tales from the Crypt Season 7

Tales from the Crypt Season Seven an Unexpected Denouement 

by Kristin Battestella

In Spring 1996, the thirteen episode final season of Tales from the Crypt moved to the UK, and despite several fine stories, the sardonic horror suffers thanks to the identity crisis in this awkward end. Our Crypt Keeper is eating flesh and chips and doing a little fright seeing complete with Big Ben, London Bridge, and double decker buses in “Fatal Caper” before director Bob Hoskins (Who Framed Roger Rabbit?) sends his dying client to lawyer Natasha Richardson (The Handmaid's Tale) to handle his will. Three sons have been disowned, but without them there is no legacy or title. Two are summoned to accept the terms of their inheritance – find the eldest brother unseen for fifteen years. However, if one brother remains, he gets everything. Arguments, heart attacks, saucy, and killer suggestions lead to rigged seances, apparitions, and ditching folks in the ancestral tomb as each tries to out scare the other. With the jolly good demented mood, it's easy to presume this is a one off on location special for the premiere – except the Keeper is staying to collect souvenears and worries about getting in trouble with the Die-R-S again in “Last Respects.” Freddie Francis (Dracula Has Risen from the Grave) directs Emma Samms (Dynasty) as a monkey's paw changes the fortune of three sisters and their floundering curio shop in this fun Charmed meets Friday the 13th: The Series combination. Debates about which sister will be a spinster or the most hated have them vying over the talisman, and each thinks they can outsmart it's curse. However, the windfall is not what it seems thanks to injuries and insurance plans, and the bemusingly dry mortician isn't surprised by the ghoulish bodies, turnabouts, and revenge. To start the season, Tales from the Crypt relies on classic horror twists sourced from some of the earliest issues of Tales for the Crypt, Vault of Horror, Shock SuspenStories, and Haunt of Fear. In “A Slight Case of Murder” our astrologer Crypt Keeper warns us to stay away from romantic enstranglements this month, but mystery writer Francesca Annis (Dune) has an estranged husband and a pesky old lady neighbor – a wannabe author after more than just a cup of sugar. English to the face charm contrasts the under the breath zingers, and divorce settlements provide gunpoint threats, fireplace pokers, and burying bodies in the basement. Our cupcake and biscuit forget about the car keys left on the dead as matters of murder remain so polite. After all, the Crypt Keeper says we have to just grim and bear it.

Director Russell Mulcahy's (Highlander) inside heist goes wrong for “Horror in the Night,” leading to creepy hotel hideouts, Art Deco askew, and femme fatale Elizabeth McGovern (Downton Abbey). Drab patinas and rattling trains accent the distorted sense of reality alongside repeated events, delirium, and scotch. The bloody linens and leaky pipes spewing blood escalate with disturbing sex scenes and gruesome guts. Suspect door numbers, never ending hallways, past secrets, and fatal mistakes combine in the superbly bizarre Tales from the Crypt justice we expect yet this might have made a great horror movie unto itself. Commander CK, meanwhile, plays astronaut with his skeleton crew. They're going where no ghoul has gone before because they've got the rot stuff. Crows, fog, and spooky trees open “Report from the Grave” as scientist James Frain (The Tudors) enters a crypt to capture the mental powers of a surprisingly well preserved murderous hypnotist. His machinery may unite the physical and metaphysical, but a good zap and mechanical shock results in asylum restraints, visions of the deceased, and more medical experiments. Lightning, screams, and equations provide a Frankenstein motif for the nineties as motherboards and monitors update the mad science. Saucy and sadness can't stop the pain of death thanks to grave robbing, ghosts, and bloody bathtubs in another Tales from the Crypt gem. Of course, The Keeper does his best Gorelone Godfather send up before Daniel Craig (Skyfall) impresses the advertising agency with his swagger in “Smoke Wrings.” He calls out the old fashioned campaigns, making the other agents look bad, but it's all a con with an underground accomplice and a device that manifests the power of suggestion. Subliminal signals over candies and colas begat knives, revenge, and double crosses like it's Melrose Place on acid but it's a Victorian minister in the saucy for “About Face.” Imelda Staunton's (Maleficent) husband wants another young secretary for his sinful rhetoric, but unbeknownst twin daughters played by Anna Friel (Timeline) come knocking on his door. They'll say their adopted to maintain his righteous image, but one daughter is unable to forgive his wolf in sheep's clothing as shadows of the cross imagery accent the scripture and damnation. Perhaps it's obvious, but slit throats, strangulation, and impalements provide enough twisted drama. Unfortunately, we need diefocals because we have terrible eyesight from watching too much Tales from the Crypt according to Dr. Keeper in “Confession.” Swanky fedoras and cigarettes belie headless victims, and the police fear headlines of headless girls in the topless club. Profiler Ciaran Hinds (The Phantom of the Opera) interrogates suspected screenwriter Eddie Izzard (Shadow of the Vampire), for his movie about a serial killer is a box office hit. However, the police don't believe his expertise in killing is just from research thanks to freak show heads in jars, nasty history, and their insistence that no one is ever really innocent. Flashbulb cameras, two way mirrors, and dank rooms add to the congested tension, bowling ball bags, and psychological one on one, combining the seriousness of a noir thriller with self-referential winks. Viewers will see the twist coming, but that cheeky matches the optometrist bookends, and this would have been a fitting if subdued series finale.

After starting well, Year Seven falters with several mixed bag entries before going downhill with the back and forth betrayals in “Escape.” German prisoners in 1945 England object to making coffins and want all the comforts to wait out the war – yet they also plot for useful information about tunnels below their castle jail. Sirens and bloody clues add to the period atmosphere, but none of the motivations are likable, and the supersized Season Three World War I episode “Yellow” remains superior. A convenience store robbery goes wrong for Ewan McGregor (Shallow Grave) in “Cold War” leading to gunshots, arguing couples, colorful clubs, and awkward dance offs to Tom Jones with Colin Salmon (Tomorrow Never Dies). It's a thoroughly British tale, almost alienating to an audience at the time tuning in for American sleaze. Off the mark racism commentaries and love triangles are terribly dated, and it takes to too long to get to the apparent but fun undead twist. While the Crypt Keeper's playing Wimbletomb, a pawnbroker takes in a pregnant woman only to become jealous of the interfering baby in “The Kidnapper.” The lame narration and warped abduction plan is too disturbing – real world horror caused by a pathetic dude wanting sex to make it all better. It's not entertaining, and even the terribly fake babies during action sequences can't make this better. Eventually, viewers won't get Slay Mart cashier Keeper and his boo light special joke, and “Ear Today...Gone Tomorrow” provides safe cracking failures, sophisticated bookies, and a saucy mobster's wife who says they can help each other. Hearing loss has ruined his trade, but she knows a doctor using radical innovations and multi-species benefits. Visuals amplify his newly owl heightened hearing but the animal twists are laughable. There's more nudity in this half hour than the rest of the season and maybe it's not a terrible story, but we've seen similar crime episodes on Tales from the Crypt already. The animated “The Third Pig” finale is also an odd gimmick that both makes one wonder why Tales from the Crypt didn't do adult animation more often when it had the chance and why they are unnecessarily doing it now. This Three Little Pigs spin has John Kassir as the Crypt Keeper narrating Drinky, Smokey, zombie pigs, and mad science – going on and on with humor that requires you to be likewise drunk or high and it's baffling how anybody thought this was a good way to end the series.

Tales from the Crypt's production move to Britain immediately shows with outdoor filming, grand estates, Tudor windows, cluttered antiques, and tweed. Fine woodwork, ornate chairs, carriages, candles, and oil lamps set off great looking period episodes alongside bangers and mash, plenty of accents, and across the pond slang. Swelling music and winking, whimsical notes add suspense or humor while chanting, heartbeats, and retching sounds match the blood, poisons, and tombs. Typewriters, big old televisions, cassettes, and dated fashions continue the nostalgia while overhead camera angles, distorted views, and sped up visuals keep the sardonic humor. Rather than eighties garish color, mid century crime, or noir settings, Tales from the Crypt embraces the British horror tone – putting aside the hip and edgy that was getting a little passe by the mid nineties. Every episode has a spooky, windswept atmosphere with cemeteries, cobwebs, and shrewd lighting accenting the pale, sickly pallor, zombie strung out, chopped off heads, and veiny skin. Despite boobs, splatter, and the gory deceased, this season is relatively tame compared to what viewers may expect from Tales from the Crypt. If a pushing the envelope, mature macabre, cheeky big bang finale is what you're looking for, this serviceable but not the best the series has to offer exit will be a disappointment. Compared to Tales from the Crypt's finest, this more serious season definitely feels like a different anthology. For fans of British programs there are plenty of familiar faces, but at the time it was probably tough to accept such English bits and bobs on late night HBO. If you can overlook the off brand demented fun then Season Seven has enough gothic morose for a quick and easy marathon.

Bodies, Graves, and Coffins Oh My!

Bodies, Graves, and Coffins, Oh My!

By Kristin Battestella

The death rituals, wooden boxes, burials gone awry, and perverse morgue practices in this trio of twisted films old and new are not for the claustrophobic or faint of heart, I assure you.

The Coffin – It's a little tough to find information about this 2008 commonly titled picture. Fortunately, woodwork, nails, and bones set the mood for this Thai custom of cheating death by lying in a coffin in complete pseudo funerary. X-rays, visions of hospital beds, death as seduction artwork, and the passing along of bad karma thanks to used coffins add to the in limbo atmosphere, ill luck reversals, and fantastical news reports. Toddlers cry beside this mock ritual, not understanding why – surely this bizarre practice mocks fate rather than cleanses its practitioners. Unfortunately, the digital gradient here is ridiculously blue tinted. Outside of some scary fire action, seriously everything is blue. While phones and texting are slightly annoying as well, interior darkness and precious phone lights accentuate the claustrophobic, up close viewpoints inside the limited titular space – capturing the paranoia and confinement fears we all secretly harbor. Heart stopping scares, reviving emergencies, and bloody bodies add to the eighty minutes of unease as do some surprisingly good jump scares and hauntings. Is it all just sensory deprivations and coffin crazed hallucinations? Although the premise is intriguing, our players aren't really introduced, and confusing visions and disjointed flashbacks never give the audience firm footing. Is this ghosts, dreams, a coma, purgatory, all in somebody's head? It's not an enjoyable mystery when you are deliberately being obtuse with try hard plot holes and that oh so blue sophistication. Has anything real actually happened amid this plodding, intertwined editing? The slow pace and head scratching inexplicable can be frustrating here. Thankfully, the unique locale, variety of languages, Eastern customs, and refreshing non-whitewashed casting add enough bonuses to witness this kind of fresh horror tale. But seriously, enough already with the blue! 

 

Dead and Buried – The idyllic New England coast and brisk, seaside beauty complete with saucy photoshoots and old fashioned, sentimental camera shutter clicks belie the carefully orchestrated violence to come in this 1981 shocker. More flashbulbs, phone operators, and sweet big band music add to the earlier mid century quaint – this morgue has a twisted sense of class, respect, and demented beauty in death but too much murder per capita. No mom, dad, and little boy lost on the way to vacation, stay away! These escalating, suspenseful, and creative kills are a community activity; it's the town pleasure to lure visitors to abandoned, isolated areas for these ninety odd minutes of atmosphere and hysteria. All of Potter's Bluff seems in on the well laid trap – except for new big city educated sheriff James Farentino (Dynasty) returning to his old home town in a man alone verses a warped The Wicker Man cult society. How long has this been happening? These crimes, dead bodies, and townsfolk aren't what they seem, and talk of witchcraft books and zombie voodoo folklore don't provide answers. The mystery reveals itself as the bizarre increases, and the period piece style is also slightly prophetic – mass mobs photograph the macabre as we rubber neck at a car accident and replay the morbid with social media. Yes, some of the effects here are poor. However other designs are very good, and the superb looking blu-ray also provides featurettes on the Stan Winston (Terminator 2) effects alongside interviews with young Fred Kreuger Robert Englund and writer Dan O'Bannon (Alien). Though perhaps tame by today's standards regarding gore, there is more than enough blood, hearts, body parts, and snuff film leading to a wild, entertaining finish.

Shallow Grave – Zipping cars and a dizzying spiral staircase add to the head spinning roommate interviews and cruel, arrogant personalities of a young Ewan McGregor (Star Wars) and floppy haired Christopher Eccelston (Doctor Who) in director Danny Boyle's (Trainspotting) 1994 satirical dead body thriller. The them dorky versus us cool intercut editing establishes a demented sense of humor, and the bright, colorful yuppie kind of garish turns darker once their mysterious new roommate enters with a suitcase full of money only to die naked in his bed a few days later. We don't know the full extent of this tenant arrangement, but the sexual tension with Kerry Fox (Intimacy) is apparent even if the trust between this trio is growing thin after chopping off heads, sawing off some hands, knocking out a few teeth, and burying a body or two. Although already amoral enough, no one wants to get their sophisticated hands dirty – but oh how chopping up a body for the money reveals one's sadistic nature! Great quips soon lead to sardonic, amateur body bungling mixed with real crime and violence professionals. A bleak booby trapped attic, divisive secrets, and calculating behaviors escalate as police and newspapers loom. Who's plotting what and uniting to point the finger against whom? Red photography, footsteps, and The Wicker Man on their television charge the atmosphere as the increasing cover ups lead to more death, creepy behaviors, and suspicions. The subtitles will be necessary for those who have a tough time with thick accents, but the interviews and commentary on the Criterion blu-ray edition add some bemusing insights. Superb shocks and greedy, ironic twists keep this genre-bender intense for the full ninety minutes. 

 

Haywire

Haywire Imperfect but a lot of Fun

By Kristin Battestella

Former Marine and private operative Mallory Kane (Gina Carano) is on the run from her hit contractor boss Kenneth (Ewan McGregor) after a failed undercover mission with MI-6 agent Paul (Michael Fassbender) in which she was set up.  As if the global chase and alluding of the local authorities wasn’t bad enough, Spanish contact Rodrigo (Antonio Banderas) and the mysterious G-man Coblenz (Michael Douglas) are also playing sides on the double-crossing spy and mercenary intrigue. Who has framed Mallory? Whom can she trust? As fellow team member and one time lover Aaron (Channing Tatum) pursues Mallory, she races to prove her innocence. Now, if only she could keep her dad John (Bill Paxton) from worrying about the takedown.

Director Steven Soderbergh’s (Erin Brocovich, Traffic, Ocean’s Eleven) recent idea to place Mixed Martial Arts star Gina Carano as the female lead in his action thriller was indeed a smart, unique, and worth a look move. Haywire opens equal to this premise with an intense bar fight and continues the intrigue and spy pacing. Slow motion and black and white uses do add an edge to the fighting setup, but perhaps they are also overused just a bit. We’ve seem so many others cleverly slice and dice towards a badass action scene, and thus the audience expects a certain amount of over the top explosions or nonsensical rah rah thrill a minute something to look at faire. By contrast, Haywire’s action sequences are played in full scope with little dialogue, only faint music, and mostly diegetic sounds. Yes, this fine, heavy, realistic approach will seem dry to those expectant viewers thanks to dialogue problems and a confusing, thin script muddling the action. While it may be part of the point to not know who is who or what side they are on- Who are we to trust? Who is checking up on whom and really doing the two-timing? - some people and events are just seriously unclear.  Private contractors, freelancers, MI-6, corrupt governments- toss in a flashback timeframe and lux global locations and a viewer can get perplexed. It takes some figuring to realize the intercutting frame, and it can all seem tough to chew for a ninety minute yarn.  We aren’t used to this type of highbrow action attempt, after all.

Fortunately, wit, humor, and sardonic stars keep Haywire entertaining. Despite having no acting experience, this is very much Gina Carano’s film. She’s sassy, badass, and yet classy, and Carano does very well as a believable woman who can deliver the lines and the ass kicking. This isn’t Pamela Anderson in Barbed Wire with an itty bitty corset and strategically placed bubble bath.  Such an indulgent film has its purpose, sure; but the fact that Haywire doesn’t treat its heroine as such eye candy is refreshing. Mallory is most definitely capable of getting out of a screwed situation. Carano knows how to fight and no choreography cheats or tricks are taken onscreen. Yes, she’s sexy and attractive, but Mallory is a realistically fit and healthy woman molded more by her sarcasms, skill, and personality.  In fact, the character herself directly objects to being used for looks and arm candy in a dress. And yet does such sense of classic, hip, spy style stop Mallory from doing what needs to be done? Nope.  The audience knows Carano’s can still get beasty in this wardrobe, and it’s all the hotter that Mallory isn’t resorted to using feminine wiles. Although I’m not sure why they felt the need to alter Carano’s voice for the character in postproduction, it is very pleasing to see an actress who is really driving the car and doing a sweet job of it!  The viewer can forgive Haywire’s flaws because Mallory is easy to root for and Carano doesn’t come across as used and abused stunt casting.

As much as some male audiences or empowered female viewers will tune in to Haywire for Carano, there’s plenty of man fun here, too.  Ewan McGregor looks great as always, and he always looks different every time you see him.  His Kenneth is a bit of a weasel, something we may find unexpected after McGregor’s heroic turns in the Star Wars prequels or his vintage heavies like Trainspotting. But Obi-Wan does the sleaze quite smashingly here.  Kenneth is supposedly slick and operative cool, yet he can’t control Mallory or the double bait and switch operation.  He’s desperate, hanging on by a spy thread, and ends up a little under served by the script. McGregor does his best with what ultimately becomes fairly light material, but Kenneth should have been more. Where is the one on one reflection and betrayal and complete history with Mallory? The beachside fight with Carano is well done, even if it feels rushed and ultimately kind of silly.  He gets his foot stuck under a rock, really? McGregor and Michael Fassbender have one fun bar scene, but again, it’s not enough. And speaking of The Fass, his Paul appears too briefly about halfway thru Haywire. This MI-6 man has a hint of RP and looks totally Bondian, I must say.  Bond, Bond, Bond, Bond, Bond!  Paul has the badass equipment, swanky style, and most importantly, knows his own wicked and weaponry. Like his scene stealing turns in Inglourious Basterds and Prometheus, Fassbender’s handling of a cigarette, blowing the smoke, and taking a swig of whiskey makes the audience take notice. Paul’s every gesture and action is a crafty hint of something else in his espionage and subterfuge.  I don’t think he’s here for more than a half hour, but Fassbender’s character is critical in Mallory’s set up and may be the most entertaining man in Haywire. The melee between Carano and Fassbender brings a rough, sexy energy to the picture, and it genuinely looks like his day of work hurt. New lady Fass fans might be disappointed at his smaller appearance here, but die-hard gals will enjoy his “All yours” toweled and shirtless moment. And I must say, it is nice to have men being as disposable and mishandled as the usual Bond Girl types!

Unlike Fassbender’s allure, unfortunately, I can’t say Haywire benefits from the non-existent, dry, spaced out charisma of Channing Tatum. I know everyone is giggly over his and Soderbergh’s Magic Mike right now (How quickly audiences forget the oh so wonderful The Full Monty!) but I see no appeal in anything in which I’ve seen him thus far.  How has he not only lasted in Hollywood, but also gotten bigger? I’m totally miffed. Tatum should be Haywire’s second male lead after McGregor due to his early screen time. However, he’s just completely inferior to everyone else in the show.  The script doesn’t give this Aaron character much, granted, but Tatum’s outplayed by Carano’s zest and sparkle every time he’s onscreen. He drags everything down when he’s enters stage left, and Haywire needs its players’ appeal to keep the picture afloat. It’s the Keanu of Bram Stoker’s Dracula. There’s no reason to care about Aaron one way or the other, and the make out scene with Carano feels totally forced, shoehorned, and useless. The clothed fight scene with Fassbender is much more entertaining.

They aren’t that bad, but Michael Douglas (The Streets of San Francisco, there’s an obscure reference for you!) and Antonio Banderas (must I?) are too brief for their full on cool.  All they do is talk about what is supposed to happen or literally call each other on the phone to argue which is the boss and who’s doing the double talk and double crossing. It’s simply a real waste to have such stars essentially doing voiceovers.  There’s room for intrigue, but the audience expects more intensity ala Traffic, some wheeling, dealing, and face-to-face confrontations. Who wouldn’t love to see Michael Douglas chew out Ewan McGregor for a bit longer than 30 seconds? Haywire might have better served its ensemble had there been a complete road movie or physical chase aspect beyond the death threat by smartphone ploys. Soul searching Mallory cutting from location to location with the crisscrossed pursuers just one step behind. Do these people actually ever meet? When we have antagonists who don’t even see each other, it can leave the battle feeling a tad hollow. Bill Paxton has more to do as Mallory’s dad, but I’m just not ready to see him in such sitting back, fatherly roles. Are we not still watching Aliens and Twister?

Fortunately, the scoring and action fit Haywire’s chic Bond design.  The lighting, blue hues, over-saturated color, or soft candle light dresses the scenery as needed from location to location.  It’s all moody, well lit, and crafty- even if it also feels kind of low end and cheap at the same time.  We also don’t see much of those drive-by locations- just title cards saying where we are allegedly globe trotting.  It’s smart, if obvious. We’re jet setting without actually having any jet setting really taking place- though the Irish locales and snow scenery are sweet fun when we do get them.  Alas, I can’t say the same for those annoying blu-ray rental trailers.  Although the features seem short in comparison to other special video releases- behind the scenes on Carano’s training and MMA history and spotlights on all the boys- there isn’t really any need for more. The menu design and interface is also disagreeable and painful. Just to get to the subtitles was a confusing accomplishment!

Not all audiences or standard action fans will like the highbrow trade off from the expected standard beef action, but Haywire is a step up from the nineties pinnacle of bad action we secretly love.  Haywire wants to be upscale and thoughtful with Bourne edge or Lady Bond style. Sometimes it succeeds and other times it falls into Segal-esque trappings with under developed scripting and low budget, unfinished feelings.  Is Haywire that bad or a film waste? Certainly not.  Could it have been better? Yes.  Thanks to all the big names involved, some viewers will simply see a lot of disappointment.  As is, I’m not sure if there’s room for a Mallory Kane sequel but Carano deserves further film success.  Haywire concludes with an easy, fun ending, and though imperfect, it’s an entertaining escape. Take it for what it is and enjoy the ride as things go Haywire.  

Nightwatch (1997)

Nightwatch A Creepy and Twisted Little Gem

By Kristin Battestella

I don’t remember exactly how I stumbled upon the 1997 morgue fest Nightwatch.  It was probably late at night and I must have been alone, for it scared the crap out of me!

Law student Martin Bells (Ewan McGregor) is hired as the over night security guard at a morgue- much to his girlfriend Katherine’s (Patricia Arquette) chagrin. Martin’s best friend James (Josh Brolin), however, couldn’t be more amused, and he uses the freaky and morbid aspects of Martin’s job to cause trouble and tease young prostitutes when he’s supposed to be taking the next step with his girlfriend Marie (Lauren Graham).  Unfortunately, a series of sick and brutal killings lead Inspector Thomas Cray (Nick Nolte) and his deputy Bill Davis (John C. Reilly) to the morgue- and all their evidence points to Martin.

Morgues, serial killers, necrophilia- Director Ole Bornedal (I am Dina) has all kinds of juicy and freaky to toy with in this his own remake of 1994’s Nattevagten.  The atmosphere starts on the creepy early and keeps the suspense tight with dark scenery and chilling isolation. Even with some humor, fun naughty, and a touch of coming of age tossed into the spooky, there’s plenty of real world fear to match- marriage issues, fear of life after college, losing buddies over dames. It all helps to keep the characters believable even if some of the story’s cracks show.   Indeed, there are a few flaws in the plot and pacing- careful viewers might suspect or solve the criminal twists pretty quickly- and the scares really only work on the first virgin viewing.  Having said that, there are still plenty unique and morbid thrills, joys in spotting the clues, and jump in your seat delights here for repeat viewings.

Even as Obi Wan Kenobi in the three Star Wars prequels, it seems Ewan McGregor never plays the same character twice, and his effortless style makes it quite easy to get behind our naïve and unassured college hipster Martin. We’ve all been there- wanting to have fun while trying to also take life head on and being torn between wants and obligations.  McGregor balances the seriousness smartly with the fun and kinky- in large part also thanks to his onscreen pal, Josh Brolin. Brolin (No Country for Old Men) is quite a creep in Nightwatch, poking fun at the morgue, disrespecting the dead, and speculating on the nasty crimes taking place.  We want to like him, but he’s looking for thrills and excess in all the wrong places and taking Martin down with him.  It’s not an easy part to play, but we feel for him and thus put out the sympathy because Brolin keeps the honesty and torment real.  Nick Nolte (Affliction) is also juicy good fun as the slightly askew Inspector on the case, and John C. Reilly (Boogie Nights) is also a treat as his quirky deputy.

I haven’t really seen enough of either lady to make a true assessment, but I do know Patricia Arquette (Medium) is a little annoying as Martin’s girlfriend Katherine.  This is a horror movie, we need to have opposing chicks or damsels in distress- and that is largely the roles Arquette and Lauren Graham (Gilmore Girls) play.  They are okay, I suppose, but the scenes without them are better.  Nightwatch is not meant to be a chick flick. In fact, due to the twisted nature of the crimes at hand, some aspects are even a little sexist- the use and abuse of prostitutes, feminine subservience, and marriages being anti freedom talk don’t help the ladies shine here.  Fortunately, Brad Dourif (Lord of the Rings) is always cool and fittingly freaky as a feisty nighttime mortician.

Thankfully, mood and atmosphere also add a wonderfully scary layer to the film. Yes, the ideas of solitary, dark morgues are bad enough, but Nightwatch looks scary, with lots of tricks, smoke and mirrors, creepy things in jars- all the little things that go a long way in establishing a real world, natural spooky.  The audience is prepped and tingly for violent action sequences, real scares, silly scares, sexy humor, and sex disturbia yet its all mere deceptions, only hints of sex and blood. Despite all the nasty matters at hand, we only actually see some brief nudity, pre and post naughty, or implied twistedness and gore.  The sick implications of what we think has happened gets us all psyched out- leaving Nightwatch in our minds long after the viewing.

Suffice to say, Nightwatch is not really for family audiences, and it may even gross out some hardened adults thanks to the necrophilia implications and other ill subject matter. Fans of the cast, however, can certainly enjoy, along with mystery or suspense lovers and subtle horror viewers alike. But of course, there are several varying DVD versions and director’s editions for completists to research, and purists may still prefer the original Danish production.  Thankfully, you can find some low price copies or rental options and get your freak on with Nightwatch any time of year.

A Manly Christmas Viewing List

A Manly Xmas List

By Leigh Wood

Well, while the ladies celebrate their Fassbender Festivus (You know who you are, biznitches!) what are the gentleman of the season to do?  Here’s a list of flicks for the dudes to gather around the tele and toast their egg nogs.  Cheers!

Half Baked – Dave Chappelle and Jim Breuer (Saturday Night Live) have some ‘weed for a good cause’ fun, i.e. raising enough money to save Harland Williams’ (Employee of the Month) virgin ass and get  him out of prison.  Some of the gags are crude and stale, but director Tamra Davis (Billy Madison) and Chappelle’s witty writing with Neal Brennan (Chappelle’s Show) keep the amusing and lighthearted sequences coming.  A few great pothead cameos and unexpected guest stars also keep a mellow viewer on his toes.  I don’t think this is a bad movie, but obviously, it has a very limited audience demographic, doesn’t it?

The Hangover – Oh, the absurd things that can go wrong in Vegas and how effing funny they can be!  This 2009 comedy starring Bradley Cooper (Alias, Wedding Crashers), Ed Helms (The Office), and Zach Galifianakis (Due Date) has just the right amount of gags and stupidity to be a modern classic.  In addition to the similar but far superior reverse memory storyline like Dude, Where’s My Car?, director Todd Phillips (Old School) makes room for honest male bonding and even some fun sentiment.  But, let’s not get too crazy now, because this is a dude’s list.  The Hangover is strangely touching, hysterical, and some how both preposterous and realistic at the same time. I’m really looking forward to The Hangover Part II.

 

Inglourious Basterds – Okay, so this is actually a Michael Fassbender (Hunger) movie, too, but this is one the guys can enjoy. (If you’re gal is one of the Fassinator obsessed, you’ll be pleased by his fate here- or, you might even think he’s pretty cool, “There’s a special rung in hell reserved for people who waste good scotch” and all that.) Quentin Tarantino’s 2009 alternative World War II romp looks the period perfection and has plenty of fine irony about how film can save the world.  However, I’ve seen this one a couple of times and I still can’t decide if I like it or not.  Some sequences are a little too clever and full of themselves, and though he’s supposed to be an over the top send up, sometimes I just hate Brad Pitt’s (He’s Brad %^&*# Pitt I don’t need to refer to another movie!) stupid accent here.  Thankfully, Best Supporting Actor winner Christoph Waltz (The Three Musketeers) adds serious charm and weight.  Even if you’re not a Tarantino fan, this one deserves at least one viewing, and obsessive fans can eat this one up with plenty of multiple watches.  

 (I respect all holidays: Christmas, Hanukkah, and even the %^&$#% Fassbender Festivus!)

The Men Who Stare At Goats – I really don’t like George Clooney.  In fact, I generally hate George Clooney (Michael Clayton, Syriana). However, the delightful Ewan McGregor (Revenge of the Sith, Moulin Rouge!) and wonderful Jeff Bridges (Crazy Heart) make up the slack in this 2009 adaptation of author Jon Ronson’s book from director Grant Heslov (Good Night, and Good Luck- I guess he really likes Clooney then).  The tongue and cheek brilliance of casting an actor who has played a Jedi in a comedy about a New Age and Jedi-esque military project gone humorously awry is worth at least one helping of ironic viewing.  The fact that McGregor is so believable as the straight man for most of the picture makes this stupidity all the more fun.  Bridges is a little too much like The Big Lebowski sometimes, but seeing The Dude put the army on its LSD ear is also a great trip.  Again, perhaps you either get this one or you don’t, but with some spiked cider and a group of friends, one can certainly have some fun here.

Zombieland – I don’t know that I would call this 2009 zombie road trip movie truly horror, as the primary bits are not about how gory and badass said zombies could be. Thankfully, the coming of age humor amid those meddling undead makes for great fun and gags.  Director Ruben Fleischer (Fantasy Factory) and writers Rhett Reese and Paul Wernick (The Joe Schmo Show) have some apocalyptic seriousness, but the onscreen zombie survival rules are sweet. Woody Harrelson (The People Versus Larry Flint) and Jesse Eisenberg (The Social Network) seem like a seriously unlikely pair, but both have a lot of fun here and give it their all.  Naturally, I’m not a Jewish guy, so some of Eisenberg’s too similar to Michael Cera charm gets lost on me, but Bill Murray (again, no reference needed) is just gold.  I really hope the formula isn’t screwed for the sequel, but as Rule #32 reminds us, “Enjoy the little things.”

So hug your bro briefly and not too closely, have a shot, and get those Fassy girls away from the TV and under the mistletoe ASAP. 

Spring Sees and Skips

What to See and What to Skip this Spring

By Kristin Battestella

In this age of little time and money, I hope to save both you and me from wasting a lot of what we don’t have on bad films! So, here’s a quick glance at a list of shows that are definitely skip-able.

Avoid

Shutter- Great premise about photographing ghosts, but all is too obvious too soon in this another poor Asian horror imitation. And Joshua Jackson is in it-no, that doesn’t give anything away.

Boogeyman- Another second string television star-Barry Watson from Seventh Heaven- making a crappy horror movie in which he is the evil monster with a Tardis for a closet, um yeah.

American Ganster- Overlong and complex Ridley Scott crime vehicle not the best for Denzel Washington, since he plays a backseat to Aussie Russell Crowe as a New York Narcotics cop in seventies Manhattan.

Enchanted- Reverse fantasy mixing live action and animation still has over the top clichés of damsels in distress and chick flicks. I’d stick with Sleeping Beauty.

Hulk- Eric Bana’s weak Bruce Banner and the way too green cgi Hulk make this 2003 comic yarn a rare Ang Lee skipper.

Storm of the Century­- Just because this miniseries gets a lot of airplay on the Sci Fi Channel doesn’t mean its any good. Adapted from the Stephen King novel; this could have been cut in half and still be a slow, aimless unscary waste.

The X-Files: I Want to Believe- I want to like this second film from the sf series, but it plays more like a sappy and romantic television drama. Gillian Anderson looks lovely, but David Duchovny looks sick and old and out of place.

Enjoy

And in the spirit of hopefulness, here’s a few shows that are worth a pleasant Spring evening. Someday I may write critically on them as well.

Stepbrothers- A little bit stupid and not always funny, but its great fun to watch the train wreck that is Will Ferrell and John C. Reilly making like they are fifteen.

Talladega Nights- You probably have to really like Nascar to appreciate how much Will Ferrell is making fun of rednecks and the pseudo sport, but a touch of serious life lessons and fine cast make this one worthwhile.

Memento- Fans of Christopher Nolan’s Batman franchise will appreciate his backwards, intelligent, and complex psychological thriller. Guy Pearce’s mind-boggling performance only gets better with repeat viewings.

The Incredible Hulk­- This 2008 redo with Edward Norton and Liv Tyler gets this beloved comic right for the big screen.

The Mist- Thomas Jane, Andre Braugher, and Marcia Gay Harden give a serious and scary psychological debate amid proper Stephen King spooks. Some of its obvious, but food for thought science fiction always goes a long way.

V for Vendetta- I’m a little tired of dystopian flicks where only the UK survives, but this fine story unites past, present, and future ills and hopes across the board. More comic book food for thought. So what if Natalie Portman’s accent is bad?

Stay- Complex and unique 2005 thinking thriller from Ewan McGregor that blurs the line between dreams, reality, life, and death. Who knew?

Miss Potter

Miss Potter A Delightful Biopic

By Kristin Battestella

 

Who hasn’t read The Tales of Peter Rabbit? A hundred years before this new Potter, Harry, Beatrix Potter’s books entertained millions and her literary influence can still be found on bookshelves worldwide. Strange then, that I was so clueless about Potter’s life until my recent viewing of the 2006 Miss Potter.

 

Renee Zellwegger (Chicago) stars as thirty two year old Beatrix, a woman content with her art, drawings, and children’s stories despite her very Victorian mother Helen’s (Barbara Flynn) objections. At least father Rupert (Bill Paterson) is more forgiving of Beatrix’s growing fondness of her publisher Norman Warne (Ewan McGregor) and his spinster sister Millie (Emily Watson). As her literary success spreads, Beatrix struggles to earn her parents respect and break free at her Hill Top manor in the Lake District.

 

I like Renee Zellwegger; her transformation and dedication to roles as varied as Down With Love and Bridget Jones’ Diary shows her Oscar worth. Unfortunately I do get a bit annoyed by her accent in Miss Potter. It’s as if she can’t be British without smiling and puffing her cherub cheeks. Yet her over the top touch is almost fitting in this proper Victorian time when unmarried women had chaperones and men had calling cards. Zellwegger and Ewan McGregor (also starring in Down with Love) have fine chemistry, but McGregor’s soft spoken idealistic Warne is given too little. His part seems so rushed by director Chris Noonan (Babe). If you have someone like McGregor, you should let him control his character’s course. His off screen departure is sad, yes, but also a waste of his talent. At least he sings briefly.

Miss Potter is cute and lighthearted, but I could do without the animated drawings and her talking to animals. It’s fine for kids I suppose, but how many kids are expressly going to seek out a film about Beatrix Potter? Kids being read or reading her work aren’t going to sit through this film, so I find the cute cartoons a little out of place. Still, Miss Potter is great for a teacher or parent looking to educate a tween about Potter, publishing, or her conservation work. The Lake District National Parks where Miss Potter was filmed are stunning, and the preservation of this land is due to Beatrix Potter’s own maintenance of the area’s estates. This statement, the beautiful locales themselves, and the layered Victorian sets give Miss Potter an extra warm and fuzzy feeling.

 

Writerly folks looking for a bookish movie will be pressed to find a better biography that Miss Potter. The devotion and appreciation of Potter and her work shows in the heartwarming attention to detail and artwork onscreen. However, if your onscreen writer leans more toward The Shining or Basic Instinct, the turn of the century styled Miss Potter is not for you. Very British and very Victorian, Miss Potter is equally for historical and period piece fans looking for something more light hearted than Dracula. Pick up the DVD for your family friendly for an educational night in.