Witches, Writers, and Scary Clowns

Witches, Writers, and Scary Clowns

by Kristin Battestella

This contemporary potluck provides unexpected horrors in unique places thanks to scary witches, trapped writers, and killer clowns.

The Witch in the Window – A distant dad and his withdrawn twelve year old son move into to a New England fixer upper in this 2018 creepy billed as a Shudder Original. Although there is a driving montage with a pee stop and complaints about nature; the family arguments, hardware dialogue, and real estate questions are more realistic than the oft seen teen horror cliches. Mom dislikes the flipping gamble, dad's trying to make up for past mistakes, and the kid who doesn't want to be there has been in trouble for some shady internet exploring because he's too big for his old action figures and frustrating Magic Eye hidden pictures. The scenery and house are wonderful, however ominous windows, a spooky basement, thumping within the walls, and no neighbors for quarter of a mile provide mood - and the local terror tales of our eponymous lady weren't disclosed in the sale. Brief, disturbing glimpses of corpses and dead crows in the chimney acerbate heart conditions as men and boys are admittedly freaked out over eerie reflections in the mirror and warning voices about the house's past. Filming within frames or windows are well done, and the audience must pay attention to the solitude. We see apparitions the protagonists do not, but the chills aren't in your face boo shock crescendos for the viewer's benefit. Instead, the increasingly crowded setting gets freakier by doing almost nothing at all while crackling electricity and natural lighting make us speculate further on what we see or don't see. The title tells the audience what's coming, however, ghosts don't appear on the smartphone camera and silence makes the ghoulish silhouettes all the more terrifying. What are our boys to do when the house they intend to flip already has a resident? Men talk over beers, debating if a haunted house can really hurt them after sleepwalking, questionable phone calls, and deceiving appearances. Can a bad home be made good again? Work progresses during the day, for all are afraid to stay there at night when the scary truths are revealed. Viewers shouldn't let our guard down as eerie doubts on who's inside or out and real or illusion escalate to disturbing contact and bargains to stay with the frights or abandon the home. At only seventy-seven minutes, there's no excess fluff necessary to tell these well-paced scary metaphors and surprisingly heart warming horrors.

Writers Retreat – Novelists face their fears in more ways than one at this 2015 island workshop with high tide isolation and no internet or cell phones. Awkward book signings, contract deadlines, angry agents, dead vermin, and highway mishaps assure this meeting is off on the wrong foot for our introverted strangers. There's one emergency landline, and the ice breaker exercises, manuscript focus, and writing discussions are more like therapy for this diverse group. Writers are weird by nature, however some are more pretentious than others, rolling their eyes and creating tension over what they consider hack manuscripts if the wounded amateur is upset by their critique. Staring at the blank laptop screen, long hand journaling, inspirational photography, and subjects going off by themselves provide withdrawn writing routines but the notebooks, clicking keys, and angelic, panning montages make it seem like we're witnessing something mystical in action when writing is a lot more complicated than that. Brief sentences read aloud reveal much about these characters in need of validation, for a few aren't even writing at all before sudden disappearances, red herrings, and inside/outside, voyeuristic camera framing to match the lurking men, misogynistic threats, and gory evidence. Private moments away from the workshop make the viewer pay attention to the individual prejudices, flirtations, preferences, drinking, history, and self harm. Everyone has their issues, but is anyone willing to kill for the 'write what you know' experience? Mysteries and relative truths escalate into horror with hammers to the head, stabbings, and rap tap tapping on the windows let in for some slicing and dicing. Vomiting, blood, pointing fingers, and power outages accent the writing angles and slasher styles as deliberate reveals, torture instruments laid out in the kitchen, eyeballs on the platter, and a glass of wine provide scene chewing villainy. Unfortunately, the intriguing, sophisticated start does devolve in one fell swoop with haphazard running around, dead body shocks, and knockouts or tie ups that happen too easy. There's no one by one crafty kill or time for our intelligent writers to piece the crimes together – or not reveal what they know because that nugget would be a great piece for their manuscript. Creative corkscrew uses, torture porn, and one on one gruesome go on too long, unraveling with loud boo crescendos for every hit, stab, and plunge making an injury seem so severe before the victim inexplicably comes back for more. Although the final act and the predictable bookends deserved more polish, this is worth the late night look for both writers and horror fans.

You Make the Call

The Clown at Midnight – Teacher Margot Kidder (Black Christmas) and her drama class clean up Christopher Plummer's (Somewhere in Time) abandoned theatre in this 1999 Canadian horror cum unintentional comedy. Pagliacci posters, candles, roses, and backstage juicy lead to ominous theatre staircases, knocks on the star's dressing room door, and violent shockers accented by opera. The murderous history, killer clowns, vintage costumes, and grand stage scale create atmosphere, however the death by Pagliacci is too on the nose Seinfeld laughable before restarting with typical teen exposition. There are theatre nerds, gay drama queens, a black BFF, the bad boy who drives a hearse, and the conscripted football star and his prom queen serving the poor dialogue, terrible acting, and Scooby Doo clichés. Fortunately, rats, falling lighting, suspect relatives, and whispers of ghosts accent Kidder's much needed sassy and Plummer's underutilized suave. Viewers miss the adults when they're off screen – we don't care about the kids sneaking beer and pizza behind the teacher's back before deliberately trying to scare the emo daughter of the theatre's famous victim. It's ridiculously convenient that her school has received this grant to fix up the scene of the crime while she's having inexplicable psychic visions and hysterical episodes. This blending of the past and present would have been better if the ensemble was just a little older or more defined – college parapsychologists or a film crew rather than leaving the love triangles, strangulations, axes, and beheadings amid the teen lame jumping to conclusions just because the script says so. Naturally, there are giveaways from the beginning that a killer clown is on the loose, which takes away the ambiguity on top of bemusing clown phobias and dream fake outs before cleaning montages and terrible music. Rope mishaps, electricity sparks, and stage sword mishaps are also ruined by a crappy sex scene that's spliced with the thrusts, panting, and give it to me voiceover from a mock sword fight. It's stupid enough to tune out then and there, yet the appeal of seeing these teens get what they deserve is greater thanks to creepy elevators, maze like stagings, trap doors, and spears. Rooftop scares and freaky props don't have enough time to fully utilize the atmosphere, and there's no real mystery like there should because the dark comedy winking on the genre falls flat. Despite unique potential, the fatal Pagliacci cues, terrible punchlines, and lack of resolution underestimate the audience. There are better teen slashers out there, and one has to be able to laugh at the low budget gore or enjoy shouting at the television to forgive the obviousness here.

Tales from the Crypt Season 4

Tales from the Crypt Season 4 Continues the Scary Quality

by Kristin Battestella

Summer of 92's fourteen episode Season Four of Tales from the Crypt once again sources the titular comics alongside Crime Suspense Stories, Haunt of Fear, and Vault of Horror for more choice frights, spooky guests, and cheeky thrills.

Director Tom Hanks cameos along with fellow The 'burbs alum Henry Gibson and boxer cum grave digger Sugar Ray Leonard in the “None but the Lonely Heart” premiere as Treat Williams (Everwood) endures the old lady lipstick before a little poison and another funeral. Killing rich dames is good business, but he needs one more gal to make his fortune before his past comes back to haunt him. Unfortunately, anyone wise to the fatal gigolo might have his head mashed into the television or tie stuck in the paper shredder. Our Crypt Keeper host, meanwhile, is a 'boo it yourselfer' hitting his thumb with the hammer and building a swing set so he can 'hang around' for “This'll Kill Ya” with scientists Dylan McDermott (Olympus Has Fallen) and Sonia Braga (The Rookie). Medicine bottles, insulin injections, long legs, and dead bodies in the trunk don't mix! These radical experiments aren't ready for human trials, but love triangles and mixing business with pleasure make for unreliable antidotes, erroneous injections, and steamy bad habits. Zooms, neon flashes, and rapid montages add to the virus paranoia, patient delirium, boils, and oozing skin. Although the initial edgy music and bad ass language falls flat to start director William Friedkin's (The Exorcist) “On a Deadman's Chest,” C.K. does his Elvis impersonation amid the heavy metal arguing and groupies in leather. Tia Carrere (Wayne's World) is the new bride coming between the band, but freaky snake tattoos lead to a magical artist who says he can solve our musician's problems. There's more graphic sex and nudity this half hour, and the old fashioned needling and talk of putting what's on the inside on the flesh set off the voodoo-esque parlor as the music tensions spiral out of control with fatal bathtubs and gory skin peels. I dare say, there are also some slightly homoerotic themes, too, with mesmerizing snakes, a woman coming between men, a man unable to escape who he really is, and body dysmorphia horror. Likewise, older actress Mimi Rogers (Ginger Snaps) is being replaced by her younger, willing roommate Kathy Ireland (Alien from L.A.) for the behind the scenes meta of “Beauty Rest” with 'Ball Buster' perfume commercials and little creaky push ups from the Crypt Keeper. The seductive, sassy start turns into pageant rivalries and poisoned cookies as the ladies argue whether sleeping to the top or killing to get ahead is worse – but the unusual contest questions and the secret winnings remind the ladies that it's really what's inside that counts. Shady landlord rocker Meatloaf pressures restaurant owner Christopher Reeve (Somewhere in Time) in “What's Cookin',” however bus boy Judd Nelson (The Breakfast Club) has some new barbecue recipes for the bodies hanging in the freezer. Local cop Art LaFleur (House Hunting) also develops a taste for flame broiled flesh at the booming steakhouse, and the superior turnabout is set off with red lighting, sizzling grills, and all the expected puns from our host.

Bad ratings and the threat of cancellation thanks to shock jock Robert Patrick (Terminator 2) leads shrink radio host David Warner (Wallander) to make an on air visit with frequent caller Zelda Rubenstein (Teen Witch) in “The New Arrival.” His The Art of Ignoring Your Child book, however, doesn't help the screaming girl thanks to the masks and booby traps in this spooky manor with dark stairs and a dangerous attic. Not to mention the attacker points of view, deadly twists, and ceiling fan mishaps. C. Keep is looking for a home on 'derange' marked 'souled' in “Maniac at Large,” but meek Blythe Danner (Huff) doesn't feel safe in her library thanks to trouble causing ruffians and newspaper reports of a serial killer on the loose. Creepy music by Bill Conti (North and South) adds to the unease as late night cataloging and book piles in the basement build paranoia. Suspense editing and strategic lighting escalate the alarms, knives, vandalism, and possible intruders as the headline hype spirals out of control. Producer Joel Silver directs the memorable “Split Personality” as Joe Pesci (Goodfellas) romances twins by pretending he is also a set of twins where one always has to be away on business. Split screen camera work and intercut conversations accent the double talk, but these possessive ladies are not to be taken advantage of by anyone. Everything has to be fifty-fifty, and despite swanky tunes and casino style, the luck is going to run out on this con thanks to Tales from the Crypt's unforgettable brand of saucy, graphic, and cheeky. The Crypt Keeper has some therapy on the rack to open “Strung Along” because he's 'a little stiff everyday,' but recovering puppeteer Donald O'Connor (There's No Business Like Show Business) is nostalgic for his old black and white kids show. Heart attacks and sentiment, unfortunately, clash with his younger, bikini clad wife. His creepy clown marionette also seems to have a life of his own, and increasingly dark designs set off the affairs, love letters, and shocking betrayals before the full moon of “Werewolf Concerto.” Chanting music and infrared animal perspectives add to the chases, howls, and hairy attackers as sexy guest Beverly D'Angelo (National Lampoon's Vacation) is trapped in a hotel with wolf hunter Timothy Dalton (Penny Dreadful) amid piano compositions, double crosses, and gunpoint standoffs. The werewolf revelations and race to beat the moonrise are superb, surprises again combining for some of Tales from the Crypt's best winks, scares, and star power. The wilderness solitude for Kevin McCarthy (Invasion of the Body Snatchers) and the late Margot Kidder (Black Christmas) in the “Curiosity Killed” finale only acerbates the marital insults. However, their fellow campers have a special tonic that might curb the catty aging. Excellent interplay and fountain of youth sympathy build to the inevitable topper with night blooming jasmine, bugs, graves, moonlight madness, disturbing gore, and all the irony to match.

Unfortunately, Tales from the Crypt does briefly sag mid season with the double dealings, blackmail, and swindling resets of “Seance.” The candles, incantations, and Old World atmosphere of the psychic parlor are just a smokescreen for mid century hustles and colloquial put ons with Ben Cross (Dark Shadows) and even Crypt Keeper Investigations doing a Sam Spade spoof with 'No headstone left unturned.' The noir aesthetic looks great, but this is another typical crime plot with lawyers, money, and a tacked on supernatural bookend. Our Keeper's wearing adorable little chaps and a cowboy hat as Tales from the Crypt producer Richard Donner directs “Showdown.” Sunsets, haze, bleak shadows, and dry orange vistas add a surreal, hellish look to the horses and gunslingers. There are quick draws, snake oil tonics, and ghosts in the saloon, but this non-linear tale is dark and tough to see with a distorted passage of time and too much confusion about what should be an interesting question on who's dead or alive. The pace both drags over nothing yet maybe it's also a story worthy of more than a half hour. Star power is also surprisingly lacking, however, the next episode “King of the Road” has Brad Pitt (The Counselor), hot rods, and disturbing street racing collisions yet also misses the mark. Even the Keeper is too busy doing 'A Mid summer Night's Scream' instead. Both these episodes come from original scripts with loose ties to a Two-Fisted Tales movie adaptation, and the hooking up with the cop's daughter, blackmail, kidnapping, and spiders in the mailbox are pointless torment. Cool veneer, music montage filler – it's scarier that there are no English subtitles on the bare bones Season Four DVD set!

Thankfully, the full opening intro once again plays with each Tales from the Crypt episode, and macabre soul that I am, I love studying it for home décor ideas. Word processors, big old retro televisions, vintage cameras, video dating services, and VHS stuck in the VCR add to the mod eighties style, all white designs, and old lady mauve. Older blue nighttime lighting invokes the cemetery mood, and purple hues or Art Deco black and white tones create flavor with very little. Forties styles, long stem cigarettes, and big hats go far while fire, candles, and thunderstorms provide atmosphere regardless of setting. Bright luxuries contrast the dark dated nineties clubs, but there are still high-waisted jeans and the occasional shoulder pads on the ladies alongside the lingering one giant earring trend and big blowout hairstyles. The language and gore are also a little tame to start the season – perhaps the producers were already thinking of the future syndication reruns beyond HBO. However, black lingerie, thongs, nudity, and further saucy actions are still somewhat risque. Jump cuts and repeat zooms both cover production corners as well as build onscreen intense while heart pulsing rhythms and sound effects accent the bloody prosthetics and horror makeup. Several practical monster effects remain surprisingly good, and creepy old homes, dangerous antiques, and spooky staircases join the slimy recently deceased or skeletons from the grave. 

 

There are a few slip ups in this short but otherwise choice season. However, once again Tales from the Crypt turns out a fun little marathon with Season Four's campy chills and scary stars making for some of the series' best.

More Classic Spring Horror

More Old School Horror Mayhem!

By Kristin Battestella

Let the Spring roar in as we travel back in time and celebrate with more scares, monsters, and freaky of yesteryear!

Circus of Fear – The production values for this 1966 AIP thriller do look old, with a lot of darkness, very poor video quality, and weird sound that can certainly lead to some onscreen action confusion.  The near silent opening heist is also slow to get things underway for a 90-minute movie. Once the crimes begin, however, John Moxey’s (City of the Dead) little tale is not bad at all.  Some of the dudes are a bit of the same old hepcats, but it’s great to hear Christopher Lee (Have you not been to my blog before to learn the greatness that is Sir Christopher?) before we truly see him.  Of course, it’s easy to think he’s the killer thanks to his booming, lion taming statured self, but…  Leo Genn (Quo Vadis) is a slick investigator, too. The smart build from the seemingly standard action to the titular delights crisscrosses with fun circus and animal footage.  Unseen throwing knives, quick visuals, and first person perspective murders heighten this pleasant backdoor build of suspense.  Sure, it’s not really horror, but if you aren’t expecting all out scares, this becomes a surprising, intelligent, worth a look mystery.

The Revenge of Frankenstein – Finally, finally I’ve got my hands on this 1958 Hammer sequel!  Now called ‘Victor Stein of the Switzerland branch’, Peter Cushing (I see your lack of Sir Christopher and raise you a Grand Moff Tarkin!) is once again delightfully ruthless in his delivery and actions- and looking fine while at it, too. A 19^th century doctor with ladies packing into his waiting room, hmm… He seems so reformed to start, helping the poor and suffering patients- but we should know better! Cushing’s wicked suave villainy trumps all the inconsistencies in this series.  Despite director Terence Fisher’s (helmer of all except Evil of Frankenstein) best efforts, at this point, I don’t even think it matters what order you watch Hammer’s Frankenstein films. Fortunately, the stylized gore and expected Victorian flavor make up for any errors- even if the tone is more English than Continental.  The laboratory is sweet, and the bodily transformation for the hunchbacked Karl (Oscar Quintak and Michael Gwynn) tells a lovely story. Frankenstein’s just misguided, isn’t he? This new body is a good thing, right? Unfortunately, the extremes for science are just too murderous for the brain to handle, and the scares, shocks, and freaky deformities are perfection.

Sisters (1973) – Margot Kidder (Superman) is very convincing as twins in this AIP parallel act from director Brian DePalma (Carrie).  Though one wonders about Kidder’s French accent and forced Quebec angles, the New York time capsule is a treat. Ferry rides, a very young World Trade Center, and a great Bernard Hermann (Psycho) score accent the nostalgic styles and black and white uses. Old TV game show sounds, show within a show productions, and newsroom footage create space for voyeuristic ideologies, within within perceptions, and mind’s eye theories.  Intercutting and split screens build tension towards jump in your seat moments, and there’s cool fake seventies blood.  It’s not chick horror per se, but imperfect ladies duking it out conflicts the audience. Do we favor Kidder or Jennifer Salt’s (Soap) nosy but on to something reporter? Honestly, it’s just neat to see some hoofing it research instead of an internet montage! Barnard Hughes (The Lost Boys) and Charles Durning (Tootsie) are fun support, as is Salt’s real life mom Mary Davenport as her pesky onscreen mother who doesn’t understand this working woman thing.  There are dated and stereotypical racial tensions in the plot that I don’t want to spoil, too. Lisle Wilson (That’s My Mama) is actually identified by the other characters as ‘the colored guy’ after he wins a game show prize for ‘dinner at The African Room’.  Yeah, even wrapped in a fun, sexy opening and brief nudity, it still feels iffy for today.  The twin sciences might also be wrong now or just inappropriate, along with the crazy people scares, wacky nut house doctors, and brainwashing fears of the mentally ill.  I figured out the twists early, but this is still a treat in getting there.

Torture Garden – Director Freddie Francis (The Evil of Frankenstein, hehe) and writer Robert Bloch (Psycho) team up for this 1967 Amicus anthology of forewarning evils.  Even though these 92 minutes are small scale with very dated, on the cheap décor; it’s still dang spooky, with a solid, demented carnival vibe. You wish your Halloween set ups were quality enough to attract a wonderfully insistent, Penguin on acid Burgess Meredith!  Though the dialogue is tough to hear, the unusual filmmaking angles and real English locations are great.  The sinister music and black cats in the Twilight Zone-esque First Tale ‘Enoch’ are sweet, too. These tales are solid, involved stories, and Tale 2 ‘Terror over Hollywood’ is sexy without the flash and nasty of today.  ‘Mr. Steinway’ adds Barbara Ewing (Dracula Has Risen from the Grave) and a disturbingly good classical score for Story 3- although twisted similarities to Psycho run throughout the show. Freaky Clytie Jessop (The Innocents) also moves between each tale, but the framing story is somewhat weak, with disproportionate story lengths and a rushed, even confusing conclusion.  Oscar winner Jack Palance’s (City Slickers, Shane) mustache is perfectly sinister, but strange to say, his part here seems like a would be poor man’s Christopher Lee.  Thankfully, always-classy pimp Peter Cushing is excellently creepy for the ‘The Man Who Collected Poe’ Tale 4 finale.   

Meow!

Black Christmas (1974)

Black Christmas Still a Frightfesting Good Time

By Kristin Battestella

We watched this original 1974 holiday horror classic this past Halloween as part of our yearly October horror fests. Regardless of the calendar, however, this wintry slasher heavyweight still offers plenty of fright to any festivity.

College roommates Jess (Olivia Hussey), Barb (Margot Kidder), and Phyllis (Andrea Martin) are remaining at their sorority house with Mrs. MacHenry (Marian Waldman) as Christmas is fast approaching.  Amid the drinking, carolers and parties for the kids, the girls receive repeated prank phone calls from someone named Billy. When sorority sister Clare (Lynne Griffin, Wind at My Back) is reported missing by her father (James Edmond), Lieutenant Fuller (John Saxon) and Sergeant Nash (Doug McGrath) investigate the disappearance in connection to the increasingly obscene phone calls. Unfortunately, the police’s suspicions are automatically directed at the girls’ boyfriends Peter (Keir Dullea) and Chris (Art Hindle) as the body count rises.

Well here’s a melancholy holiday viewing for you! Director Bob Clark (A Christmas Story, Porky’s) very smartly uses perspective camera work, shadowed and claustrophobic scenes, sharp angles, and foreboding tracking shots to build scares and sustain the suspense and peril through the well paced picture.  Some contemporary movie makers do use these tricks, but anymore the smoke and mirror effects are more about the sake of using them or for the shock of the effects themselves- and as a result, the scary just isn’t there.  Writer Roy Moore (She Cried Murder) creates drama and character development for another often-underutilized horror layer, too.  Yes, we’re in a sorority house, but its not naked silicone pillow fights or heavy sex scenes as we define sorority naughty today.  Unexpected real life issues and then taboo topics such as abortion, marriage, unplanned pregnancy, and alcoholism are weaved in nicely.  Most of the gore in Black Christmas actually happens off camera or is all talk in nasty phone calls, leaving a lot of the juice, kinky, and disturbed speculations up to the audience. Of course, some of the mystery elements and police investigations will have you screaming at the television, but I like the notion that folks in seventies horror films were unaware of the budding rules of the genre and at worst, act damn stupidly.  Even with these hiccups, this is a finely told, steady thriller that will keep you guessing until the end and then some.

While it doesn’t seem as though she is that prolific an actress, we all seem to know who Olivia Hussey is thanks to Romeo and Juliet- or if you’re really a horrorphile, Psycho IV.  Of course, she is lovely as always here. Even if Jess is a little snotty to start, she’s a likeable and easy to get behind heroine thanks to her honest portrayal of relationship issues- not to mention these crazy holidays and killings happening all at once!  Today, there will be some who might think the boozing Barb is merely Margot Kidder (Superman, The Amityville Horror) just playing herself, but no no no. Kidder looks damn good, sexy, and effortless, and Barb adds both seriousness to Black Christmas with her drinking and levity thanks to her fun and wisecracks.  Likewise, Marian Waldman (Deranged) is a riot as the liquor stashing, cranky old lady who’s supposed to be in charge of this crazy house. Of the boy toys, I have to say Keir Dullea (2001: A Space Odyssey) and Art Hindle (Invasion of the Body Snatchers) are nothing that special. Like the wasted Andrea Martin (SCTV), they serve more as assisting foil or red herrings as needed, and one very hokey hockey scene doesn’t even make the cut for me.   It’s not that they weren’t developed or done poorly; just the male plots are dropped aside for the scream queen action.

Thankfully, John Saxon, now of A Nightmare on Elm Street fame, is excellent as the caring cop hoping to provide support and safety for the ladies.  On the job, he technically isn’t helped too much by Doug McGrath’s (Pale Rider) idiot sergeant. However, McGrath provides several critical scenes of incredible wit and total detective foolhardy. It’s not all out Dewey from Scream or full on Scary Movie Doofy spoof, but again, the holiday humor and real world stupidity add more grim entertainment to Black Christmas.  We shouldn’t laugh at the seasonal ignorance, sexual implications, or failed law enforcement, but it is real and freshly handled here in a demented and humorous way. He doesn’t seem to have done much else, but James Edmond as Mr. Harrison is also delightfully well played.  He’s a bit of a prude, a stuffy relic compared to the sorority girls, but we don’t often see the fear and tragedy consequences in horror films.  It’s a nice touch of sympathy that the audience can completely understand, a solid to hold on to as the slasher hysteria rises.

But my gosh does that wallpaper look so bad!  While the seventies long, straight hair and breezy, peasantry costumes look almost medieval revival lovely, the men in huge fur coats and white folks trying on Afros are, however, just…no.   Fortunately, the Christmas décor, I have to say, is near awesome. The big, great old wreaths, that tacky white seventies tree, those big old colored bulbs- an underlying sprinkling of holiday music and carols are also present in unexpected, even disturbing ways. This nostalgia of the sights and sounds of an older Christmas celebration adds heaps of atmosphere.  Not only are there no cell phones, computers, gadgets or crafty but useless holiday themed deaths, but there is also no shop shop shop and bland Xmas obsession. Black Christmas is old fashioned and traditional, even homely to us like grandma’s apple pie. So when the murder and mayhem elements do kick in, it furthers the twistedness of it all. Many folks find the holiday season as the most depressing time of year- all the visual and oratory cheer should have us thinking happy thoughts, right? No, this is a horror movie, without a doubt.  Black Christmas can be watched anytime of year, for sure. It just happens that there are extra scares and spices because this horror movie takes place at Christmas.

You would think more horror films would take place during the holidays. Not perils with winter and snowscapes- we get plenty of those, especially recently it seems- but with the idleness of the season breeding scares or the violation of December sanctities causing terror.  Only one other example immediate comes to mind, and that is the also exceptional “….And All Through the House” segment of the 1972 anthology film Tales from the Crypt.  Perhaps only adults or wiser youths can appreciate the mix of retro holidays and scares, but there’s actually little to deter Black Christmas from any audience.  There are a few vulgarities and drinking innuendos, but today’s tweens and up are probably already aware of all that. Again, the audience suggestion and what you take from the film is paramount here.  The blu-ray is also quite delightful, with features and restored magic.  However, there are no subtitles, which could go a long way in helping hear the exact naughty in Billy’s phone calls. But alas, that might also be the point in not having captions, too.

Even with some plot confusions or character inconsistencies, and doubtless Black Christmas’ conclusion will also anger some viewers, this vintage slasher is unlike any subsequent slice and dice drivelry thanks to its telephone twists and Christmas charisma.  Ring in the season with Black Christmas or get nostalgic any time of year.

(You’ll also notice I didn’t mention the 2006 remake.  Pfft!)

Recent Horror Pros and Cons

Recent Horror Shenanigans

By Kristin Battestella

I do favor classic horror fare and am not a lover of big remakes, but now and again, there are a few recent capers worth your horrorfest hours.  Here’s a quick list of new haunts and thrillers to enjoy- and one very critical one to avoid!

Decent

Blood: The Last Vampire (2009) – After catching this live action update on television, I was pleasantly surprised by this angsty wartime vampire martial arts piece.  It seems like a big pill to swallow, but the half-human, half-vampire conflicts, wartime prejudices, and teenage troubles add plenty of realistic spin for young anime-related fans or old school vamp viewers.   Although I could do without all the slow motion, the mix of vampire action, creative ways to kill vamps, and fighting ingenuity are a lot of fun.  The period style and neat military bits work nicely, creating authentic Asian flair instead of the bland homogenized American version usually watered down for the masses. The post WWII resentment and budding Vietnam issues are handled intelligently for a young adult oriented show, too. Gianna Jun (My Sassy Girl) and Allison Miller (Kings) do well even when the plot may fail them.  They aren’t perfect, but easy to like and have a fine onscreen friendship.  The seventies music is a lot of fun, and the gore is just right for the target teen audience.  Sadly, the CG effects here are woefully bad in several critical fight sequences.  It almost looks like an old crappy eighties cartoon within the film!  I’ve not seen the original short film or Blood anime series, so its tough for me to compare any changes there, but this is a good place for young vampire fans to start with the franchise. Yes, one critical plot point is totally obvious, and there are a lot of holes and confusion at the end.  However, I’m intrigued enough to check out the Blood series.  

Dark Mirror – I stumbled upon this 2007 thriller late one night on IFC and enjoyed the unique aspects here.  It’s so nice to see a non-blonde or idiot buxom pretty perfect lead in Lisa Vidal (New York Undercover).  An ethic mom with issues like sneaking a smoke, possible marriage trouble, unemployment, and creepy neighbors- we haven’t seen the likes of this realistic well-roundedness in a horror film in sometime.   The intriguing twists on cameras, mirrors, flashes, glass, and illusions are well done- not overly excessive but better than other similar films like Mirrors and Shutter.  Even Feng Shui gets involved in the twisted mythos here. The spooky L.A. house design also has some non-Sunny SoCal flaws, complete with hidden objects, altered reflections, deadly history, deceiving twists and turns and an unreliable narrator hosting the entire picture. What exactly are we seeing? What is real and what isn’t?  Some of the storyline is a little confusing, and not all the acting is stellar, but the freshness here is entertaining and thoughtful throughout.

Daybreakers – Well, our first stupid rental blu-ray wouldn’t play and the menus were kind of a pain, but most of this Australian horror flick was a okay.  The technological vampire advances and conveniences were pretty cool.  Some of the little things and eccentricities like courtesy announcements before sunrise were well thought out, and the visual style is well executed.   Everything is blue, mod, and futuristic yet somehow retro, old school cool, and art deco.  Vampires who smoke and wear hats and fine suits while working 9 p.m. to 5 a.m.!  The cast here is also upscale all around, including a fine Ethan Hawke (Gattaca), wonderfully wacky Willem Dafoe (Platoon), and a creepy Sam Neill (The Tudors). The vamp makeup is subtle, allowing the creepy eyes to up the drama, and the bat like subsider look is scary as well.  The ironies, internal conflicts, allegory, and dystopian science feelings also add more dramatic layers, political analysis, resource commentary, and government subtext. Even if some of the promise isn’t totally fulfilled and there are a few plot holes, this is more intelligent stuff than we’ve seen in recent vampire kiddie bits.  Though the blood and gore is laid on a little thick towards the end, this one should have ended better.  Daybreakers wasn’t perfect, but this different and intriguing genre mix was fun to watch. 

The Wolfman (2010) – This flawed, but fun remake from director Joe Johnston (The Rocketeer) is smart to keep traditional make up and period styles ala the original 1941 classic. The old time atmosphere and mood is here thanks to fine performances and clout all around from Chaney-esque Benicio del Toro (Traffic), Anthony Hopkins (Silence of the Lambs), Hugo Weaving (The Matrix), and Emily Blunt (The Young Victoria).  Unfortunately, the CGI graphics here are kind of bad, unnecessary extras we don’t need.  Likewise, an uneven edit and mistakes on the Director’s Cut hurt the picture.  Although the gore is just right, The Wolfman isn’t that scary, going for more period drama.  Today of course, we can’t seem to have both solid horror and great drama, and the open ending here is a bit much, too. Most of the wolf mythos and gypsy material is fairly stereotypical as well, and the score sounds exactly like it was ripped from Bram Stoker’s Dracula. Though imperfect, this spooky little movie entertained me, and I hope this is the vibe and style used for the upcoming Dark Shadows movie. However, I do hope Universal doesn’t do any other classic remakes. You can see this was a labor of love for those involved, but leave it at that, okay? And while I’m complaining, the blu-ray disc had so many annoying widgets and interactive menus that we didn’t bother fighting them to get to the features. I also hate super low voices and loud ass loud effects, but nowadays that’s the norm!

So Bad I mean bad is bad woefully!

Halloween 2 (2009) – My husband rarely derides a film, and he called this one ‘a disaster’.  Goodness, this Rob Zombie (House of 1,000 Corpses) sequel was horrible beyond belief.  From the ambiguous dream sequence beginning to the stupid and obvious end (or vice versa), everything about this film is ill conceived.  Scout Taylor Compton (The Runaways) is annoying as hell with her postmodern grunge look, cursing therapist rage, and all out screamfeast.  Brad Dourif (Lord of the Rings) and Malcolm McDowell (A Clockwork Orange) do the best with the material they are given, but it’s as if they are playing different men from the characters established in the 2007 remake.  Margot Kidder (Superman) also deserves more than a cameo as a seemingly asinine therapist who doesn’t get poor Laurie.  Not that we could see any of this drivel thanks to the dark camerawork, hair in everyone’s face, and more gore gore gore- nor could we hear any of the serious dialogue for all the explosive effects and expletive language.  And my goodness did Zombie create this dream vision of Michael’s mother ala Pamela Voorhees just so he could keep his wife Sherri Moon in the sequel?  Despite these being the best-filmed scenes, it all looks like something out of another movie called nepotism.  What else is the point of this overlong waste?   

Harvest Haunts to See and Skip

Harvest Haunts and More

By Kristin Battestella

Since it’s never too early to start watching spooky movies in the Halloween spirit, here’s a list of what to snuggle up with this autumn and what to avoid like cemeteries at midnight-unless you’re into that sort of thing, of course.

See

House of Usher (2006) - For a classic horror fan, little can compare to the 1960 Corman staple House of Usher.  New interest in all things Poe has however brought new remakes and takes on his macabre tales, and believe it or not, this 2006 The House of Usher wasn’t that bad. There are some good plot differences from director Hayley Cloake (Tease, Thump).   It’s creepy, yet sexy thanks to stars Izabella Miko (Coyote Ugly, Clash of the Titans) and Austin Nichols (One Tree Hill, Friday Night Lights). Beth Grant (Delta, Speed, Rock Star, Donnie Darko) as the scene stealing Nurse Thatcher also adds to the suggestion, eerie styles, and gothic feel. It’s modern and updated, yet old school and in the spirit of Poe.  Now it’s on to the fancy 3D adaptation!

Tales from the Crypt (1972) – This precursor to the anthology series has five star-studded vignettes, including a disturbing Christmas scene with Joan Collins (Dynasty) and Ian Hendry (The Avengers) in a dangerous adulterous getaway.  Peter Cushing (Star Wars, The Horror of Dracula), creepy crypt keeper Ralph Richardson (Time Bandits), Robin Hood Richard Greene, and Patrick Macgee (A Clockwork Orange) delight as well. Unlike today’s effects over-fest, director and Oscar winner Freddie Francis (Glory, The Elephant Man) keeps things largely silent, letting the creepy catacombs and twisted tales build up and progress on their mystery, suggestion, and scares. Yes there are a few jump worthy moments, and the dated seventies style only adds to the spooky atmosphere.  Perhaps there’s not a lot of rewatch value, but stick this one in amid your favorite Halloween anthology series for some old school scares. 

The Uninvited (1944) – Future Oscar winner Ray Milland (The Lost Weekend) and Nominee Ruth Hussey (The Philadelphia Story) delight in this quintessential black and white spookfest from director Lewis Allen (Bonanza, The Unseen).  Somehow, I feel this one is now unloved by the modern audience-especially in light of the also named but unrelated 2009 The Uninvited, itself a remake of a 2003 Asian horror flick.  No confusion here, however, thanks to the Oscar nominated cinematography.  The positive and negative use of candles, scary moaning, groaning sounds-the simple smoke and mirrors of early film production does wonders.  In addition to all the mood, atmosphere, and suspense, the young and tragic Gail Russell (Angel and the Badman) is as charming as Cornelia Otis Skinner (The Girl in the Red Velvet Swing) is creepy and subliminally kinky. Without thinking, I erased this one from my DVR; and since it’s not available on DVD, I’ve been kicking myself since. 

Wolf – Though this 1994 lycan tale from Oscar winning director Mike Nichols (The Graduate, Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf, Silkwood) is imperfect with its fair share of plot holes and unanswered questions, I like it.  Face it; this is the best, if not the only, mature wolf movie around.  Thanks to the sarcastic and witty performances by Jack Nicholson (One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest, Chinatown, The Shining) and the rest of the all-star cast, Wolf smartly doesn’t take itself too seriously.  The beguiling Michelle Pfeiffer (Scarface, The Fabulous Baker Boys), a wonderfully disturbing James Spader (sex, lives, and videotape, Boston Legal), the charming Christopher Plummer (The Sound of Music, The Moneychangers), and plenty more on form supporting players are allowed to have their fun.  These are all great, big names one wouldn’t usually see in any old horror movie, either.  There’s even a good bit of scares and kinky violence here-especially on an initial viewing.  Some of the effects are hokey now, but others are very well done with fine spooky build-ups.  Despite plotting faults and a little confusion, there’s more good than bad in Wolf.  Multiple viewings are even in order to catch all of the subliminal suggestions.

Split

The Amityville Horror (1979) – The horror, scares, and fright fest from director Stuart Rosenberg (Cool Hand Luke) are all still there, and I love it.  Even the old looks and seventies styles aren’t so dated, just more nostalgic and period now.  However, it seems like out of all the other numerous sequels and direct to video drivel that follows, this original starring the fine Margot Kidder (Superman) and eerily on form James Brolin (Westworld) is too close to the real life circumstances that started the franchise.  Was this independent blockbuster made purely to capitalize on the scandalous book that was in turn highlighting the sketchy true story that started it all? Separate the supposed paranormal facts or hoax talk from the behind the scenes, and then you can enjoy this fine demonic haunted house in all its glory.  Likewise, we favorably reviewed the 2005 remake.  Again, take away the talk of Indian burial grounds and just scare us silly and we’re a okay. 

Haunted – Aidan Quinn (Legends of the Fall) and Kate Beckinsale (Underworld) shine in director Lewis Gilbert’s (The Spy Who Loved Me) great English locales and post World War I period piece decoration and styles.  There are plenty of fine but disturbing performances from Anthony Andrews (The Scarlet Pimpernel) and Sir John Gieland (Becket), too. Haunted has its share of creepy and kinky- both good and bad by design, nasty stuff.  Beckinsale fans will love to hate spotting her nude body double, too.  There are even a few genuine spooks and scares and though obvious throughout, the film is entertaining for the most part.  However, there simply aren’t enough scares for what’s supposed to be a good old haunted house ghost story.  There’s no mood and things are not as atmospheric as they should be.  Despite the lovely cast and wonderful locations, it’s as though we’ve seen this all before- namely in The Others.

Rogue -   This 2007 crocodile thriller has a great premise and fine acting from Radha Mitchell (Pitch Black) and Michael Vartan (Alias). Sam Worthington (Avatar) fans (of which I am not) will enjoy seeing his jerky performance, too. Writer and director Greg McLean (Wolf Creek) adds a tight, contained, ticking clock to the lush, exotic, and foreign cinematography.  The audience is hooked as things turn dark and dangerous- the issues among the stranded and perilous ship‘s crew build as our crocodile gets his chance in the spotlight. Its man against himself, man against nature, and man against man all in one- the tide is rising and time is running out!  And then….well, the silly and stupefied ending here kind of undoes all the goodness.  The viewer is asked to suspend belief one too many times for too preposterous an outcome.  Is the overall goodness worth the ill-conceived conclusion or does the finale undo all?

Skip

The Descent – Okay, so I don’t really know who the girls in this 2005 spelunking adventure are- but they are not the problem.  A stereotypical yet somehow refreshing group, yes, but the individualism and back-stories are acceptable enough. I suspect there’s plenty of ogle and subtext value for interested audiences, too.  The caves are also creepy and this is a dangerous sport after all- so why did director Neil Marshall (Dog Soldiers) have to resort to glowing cave mutants?  There’s enough internal strife and issues to mix in with the peril of falling rocks, being trapped or injured, and all that unknown caving.  Let our gals go bad and have their own hysteria do them in; we could still have a serious horror movie without rock people. Most of this film gets it right, but the deus ex machina of the creepy crawlies and open ending for the sequel tire the positive strides.   

Hide and Seek - Even Robert DeNiro (Casino) and Dakota Fanning’s (Man on Fire) battle of wits can’t save this familial thriller. Toss in Famke Janssen (X-Men) and Elisabeth Shue (Leaving Las Vegas) and we’ve still got the same old, same old suggestive psychological thriller. It’s tragic wasting such a fine cast on this supposedly scary evil imaginary friend but there’s a twist yadda yadda story. They couldn’t even decide on an ending here- there are count ‘em five on the DVD!