1982
Co-Eds in Horror
by
Kristin Battestella
This
oddly specific trio of 1982 films ups the fatal scares for the
feather haired and short shorts wearing co-eds of the day. Familiar
faces confront chainsaw killers and morgue mishaps in these diverting
vintage horror escapades.
Mortuary
–Friend-zoned
geek Bill Paxton (Aliens)
and more familiar faces battle embalming mishaps and a hooded killer
in this cheeky 1982 fright opening with a sunny villa pool and heavy
breathing point of view kills on the lanai. This early eighties is
still breezy seventies in style with roller rink action, hot pants,
and feathered hair, and our cool dudes with a far out van intend to
loot the titular warehouse. Spare tires, gurneys, antiques, caskets,
and candelabras make for a neat mix of spooky and industrial style
culminating in cauldrons, robes, chanting, rituals, and limbs
dangling out the coffin lid. Stabbings and splatter provide peril but
mom Lynda
Day George (Mission:
Impossible)
has
moved on since the opening death while daughter Mary
Beth McDonough (The
Waltons) remains
suspicious despite the disbelieving police. An
ominous Hearst stalks a sweet vintage Mazda as more friends disappear
amid cemeteries, psychiatry, suicide history, and denied marriage
proposals. Wispy nightgowns and sleepwalking begat midnight swim
attacks, and our mortician once locked his young son in the morgue so
he wouldn't be afraid of the dead bodies. He expects him to follow in
the family footsteps embalming nude dead babes, and there's a routine
to the aspiration and chemicals – almost a ritual in itself. Dead
landlines, flickering lights, on and off music, and power outages
scare our ingenue in a well edited frenzy before thunderstorms and
séance revelations. The culprit watches the sex by the fireplace,
leading to raspy pleas to open the window so he can touch her. This
feels more like a television movie of the week, so the horror and
gore are tame for today. However shattered glass, chases, synth score
pulses, and shadows in the bedroom lead to screams, penetrating
knives, and symbolic sexual violence with death throes and panting.
The maniacal smiles mount thanks to the titillating body on the
table, and anyone against the killer will be punished with
impalement, abduction, or axes as the dangers abound at the funeral
parlor. Ironic classical cues and contemporary camp winks combine for
a surprisingly impressive gothic atmosphere with a fun story and
scene-chewing performances.
One
Dark Night
– Unlike today's perfect gradients, the grainy blue night adds
eerie atmosphere to this 1982 Meg Tilly (Psycho II)
and Adam West (Batman)
hazing horror romp with psychic undead, coffins, and creepy crypts.
Despite thunder, gothic gates, funerals, and tombstones; this is very
slow in getting to the actual mean girls spending the night in the
mausoleum initiation thanks to bizarre opening murders, coroner vans,
and crime scene carnage largely told rather than seen. Police radio
chatter, onlooking crowds, and news reports waste time repeating the
electromagnetic phenomenon. Back and forth cutting to the teen babes
in matching bad girl jackets and photo booth fun at the arcade are
also unnecessary. All of the estranged family occult, life force
photographs, energy vampires, and telekinesis theories should have
been shown in the beginning, and we shouldn't meet the teenagers
until the drive to the cemetery. Their frienemy peer pressure doesn't
need jealousy over the jock – even if that meant losing the vintage
mustang and sweaty basketball scenes with short shorts and tiny
towels. Dares at the door, berating threats, and Demerol ruses
provide cruelty amid classism toward the poor wannabes and racism
toward the stereotypical scaredy cat, toothbrush chewing Black girl
who's told she's a “real” sister. Crypt plaques, flowers,
sympathy cards, pews, and candles set the morose scene for the fake
frights as the cracked vaults and dark windows invoke the overnight
spooky. The psychic evil feeds off the delirium, vicious tricks, and
growing fears inside the mausoleum maze, and it's unfortunate that
the trapped suspense is continually broken by unnecessary outside
scenes – delaying most of the scares until the final twenty
minutes. However, the levitating caskets, reanimated rotting, and
gooey bodies are superb when they do happen. Chapel prayers and
individual frights escalate with crumbling crypts, rattling objects,
and metaphysical winds as the mean girls get what they deserve. It's
bemusing that the biggest names here have the least to do, and behind
the scenes problems resulted in different video versions.
Fortunately, the fun house horror finale does a lot without much gore
thanks to skeletons, zombies, worms, and purple glows making for some
entertaining late night ooze.
Pieces
–
Christopher and Lynda Day George strike again in this Boston set,
Spanish produced 1982 campus slasher. The 1942 quaint quickly turns
to saucy violence, rage, and surprising splatter as our ten year old
boy is not going to take it anymore. Forty years later, the creative
power tools and collecting body parts resume thanks to bloody
mementos of his mother and a fondness for nudie jigsaw puzzles. The
murderous psychosis and disturbing social commentary beget groovy
skateboarding and perky retro sweaters but the giggling,
skinny-dipping babes don't last long thanks to chainsaws, creepy
gardeners, and dripping bags in the freezer. This video nasty isn't
shy in showing the head chopping gore, and we move from one crime to
the next with swanky saxophone music, raunchy couples, and
scene-chewing police trying to keep the killer publicity quiet.
Deaths mount in the titular assembly of the perfect woman while
Fame-esque
dance classes, techno music, and leg warmers add nostalgia.
Undercover tennis coach Lynda is on the case – contending with
pesky newspaper reporters and “Bastards!” before more dancing
leads to layered maze-like chases and thunder heralds the fatal
anticipation. Despite nighttime lighting and dark killer silhouettes,
we can see the equal opportunity nudity and everything in the limb
losing elevator. Ironic marching band music, locker room showers,
knives, and waterbeds make varied use of every campus opportunity.
That curious lady reporter shouldn't sneak around alone, and cops
vomit at the consequences. Sure, some of the acting is over the top.
However girls are being sawed in half and the authorities are one
step behind what the audience knows. The self-aware slasher pastiche
does what it says on the tin and comes together for a bemusing
finish.
