Fantasy
Summer Fun
By
Kristin Battestella
What
better way to beat the heat than with a fanciful and adventurous eighties staycation?
Heavy
Metal – Though the Heavy Metal 2000 sequel is decent, this
1981 anthology has all the action, sex, humor, scares, and heroism needed for a
cult classic. Obviously, great music from the likes of Stevie Nicks, Journey,
Cheap Trick, Blue Oyster Cult, Black Sabbath and more contributes to the
beloved status. Vocal skills from John Candy (Who’s Harry Crumb?), Eugene Levy (American Pie), and Harold Ramis (Ghostbusters) lend weight to such memorable tales as “Den” and the
stoning, far out “So Beautiful and So Dangerous”. I love the zombies of “B-17,” for they are still
scary to me after all these years. There’s delightful everyman amid the fantastic
treats with “Harry
Canyon” and “Captain
Stern,” too. Sure, the framing story
might be a bit thin, but the lovely, sweeping, and orchestral finale “Taarna”
concludes it all in perfect fantasy fashion.
Some of the animation and design will look poorly or disjointed to
audiences today thanks to multiple sources, directors, and techniques of the
time. However, Heavy Metal was also ahead
of its time then, and it’s still impressive overall. Besides, there’s something
to be said for cartoons just for adults, too. This is a sexy, gross, slightly
evil, and well-done collection.
Lovespell – Richard Burton (Cleopatra), Nicholas Clay (Excalibur),
and Kate Mulgrew (Star Trek: Voyager)
star in this somewhat obscure 1981 Tristan and Isolt tale. The old speaketh
titles are tough to read onscreen, but lovely music, stunning locales, ancient castles,
and appropriately early medieval costumes and décor set the mood
perfectly. This isn’t high knights and
chivalry mockery, but the accents and period dialogue will be tough for some.
There are no subtitles on the poor video release, either. Thankfully, Mulgrew is
feisty and enchanting while Burton
is somewhat jerky and overbearing, as expected. He also looks a bit too old for
the super young Kate. However, who else could be the King of Cornwall? Both are
perfectly cast to match their historical parts. Unfortunately, Clay’s inferior,
weak Tristan hampers the picture. His poufy hair, lame delivery, droopy pouts,
and soft focus scenes irrevocably date the film and take away from Burton’s more skilled presence.
The melodrama and love story elements
are a bit simple, indeed, and such to die for love happens too, too fast before
it all falls apart in the end. The scale
and story could have been tighter, but the period elegance is mighty
entertaining for genre audiences or youthful, fanciful medieval fans. Though not
a fantasy so much as a straight telling of the corresponding Arthurian legend, the
magical charm wins here.
Somewhat Split
The
Sword and the Sorcerer – Lee
Horsley’s (Nero Wolfe, Paradise) 1982
yarn will certainly be entertaining for those who grew up on sword and sorcery
pictures or audiences that like the eighties B fantasy style. One can take the
humor and mistakes here and have a drinking game good time. There’s a lot of
fun in the story and potential for more, too. Perhaps that’s while I feel so
torn- this could have been something great and memorable like the Conan films or The Beastmaster. Unfortunately,
if you go into this picture in your right mind, everything ends up kind of a
mess. Some plot points simply make no sense whatsoever, and the action is
woefully slow motion nonsensical. There is hardly any of the titular evil
sorcerer, nor enough medieval fantasy boobs for an R rating today. The bad
dialogue has not stood the test of time, nor has Lee Horsley. I’m not even
really sure why he’s that famous, yet everyone knows his name. I’d give this finally available supposed
sequel in spirit Tales of an Ancient
Empire a chance, though- even if it is probably most of the same.
And a Recent Skipper
Your
Highness – There’s no wit, bad
dialogue, lots of course language, and plenty of flat jokes from the very big,
well known cast here. James Franco (127
Hours) I swear is mocking us, but Natalie Portman (Black Swan) should have known better. Charles Dance (Game of Thrones) is on form, Damien
Lewis (Band of Brothers) is a fun
jerk, and Toby Jones (Frost/Nixon) is
perfectly twisted. Unfortunately, the anachronisms, poor sex references, and a
too over the top without the intelligence of Men in Tights focus ruin the quality production values, decent
music, and goofy but good costumes. Zooey
Deschanel (New Girl) is cute, but
somehow she’s still playing the same 21st century quirky girl. The bad
effects and singing are a no, and the cutting off the Minotaur’s penis thing
just takes it all way too far. Medieval comedy can be done well, but not when
one is either stoned in the making or needs to be stoned to watch. And who the hell is Danny McBride?
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