Gwendoline Quite a Romp!
By
Leigh Wood
Gwendoline. The Perils of Gwendoline. The Perils of
Gwendoline in the Land
of Yik Yak. Whatever you call this 1985 naughty adaptation from
director Just Jaeckin (Emmanuelle),
it certainly is a memorable picture!
Ingénue
Gwendoline (Tawny Kitaen) is trying to find her professor father, who has gone
missing while in search of a rare butterfly. Along with her maid Beth (Zabou)
and muscle for hire Willard (Brent Huff), instead they find the lost land of Yik Yak – an all female society with one
thing on its mind: male stock.
I
don’t remember if I saw this French import in all its saucy glory or just
chopped up on television, but as a youth, I recall loving this demented and
kinky faire – along with Kathy Ireland’s Alien
from L.A. for some reason. (I
suppose this might explain a lot about my eventual occupation as a camp genre
erotica author!) Perhaps then, I didn’t quite get all the sexual scenes and
innuendo, but the stupidity of Gwendoline
is unforgettable. Of course, this Unrated Director’s Cut starts off
extremely slow thanks to Asian stereotypes, and Three Stooges-Fu fakery. It’s
immediately camp and totally off on the wrong beat, but at least the audience
knows we aren’t supposed to take the danger or poorly choreographed fighting
with whimsical music too seriously. I can’t decide if Gwendoline is taking itself seriously or is fully aware of its spoof
the genre either. The totally nonsensical plot tries to explain their perilous
route and the butterfly rarity, but having a guy who’s getting a bj explain about
butterflies and human sacrifice doesn’t make it sound any better. The nudity
does begin early, however, complete with lots of heavy petting and chauvinism
to go along with the voyeuristic hints and girl power innuendo. Really, I
suspect Gwendoline just might be
better on mute. It may even make more sense by allowing room for some sort of
viewer thought or drinking game.
Indeed,
Gwendoline is tough going until you
get to the underground industrial bondage chicks. After all, I suppose that’s
the saucy reason for which most people are watching. The plot becomes more and
more ridiculous, but somehow, it gets better thanks to such sexually
preposterous twists and turns – coed wrestling, kinky sparring, love biting a.k.a
cannibalism, bald women in futuristic torture devices. Gwendoline is so bad, raunchy, and stupid that it must be seen to
be believed. The bad English dubbing
actually adds to the woefully over the top design and becomes a strength here. The
evil lesbian implications and bad ballet combat sequences are also so wrong and
yet somehow so entertaining. There’s not much point in trying to explain the onscreen
gals’ history, but what we do get is a convoluted mess. Suffice to say that the
women caught trying to leave get strung up naked by their toes while the rest
of the dames get to fight for the man they want. Outside of the possibility of
being torn alive or laid on a bed of spikes, what’s for the male audience not
to like? I mean, women pulling chariots, boys – need I say more?
Wow,
that bad eighties hair is also, well, bad. However, Tawny Kitaen (Those Whitesnake Videos) is otherwise so
young and supple that not much else matters. She gets manhandled repeatedly,
and I think the audience is meant to believe she actually enjoys the rough
stuff – but our eponymous gal is also overly juvenile and infatuated. With the
poor characterization, ingénue acting, and horrible writing, Gwendoline’s long winded
soliloquies on love are just…no. I think she is turned on by seeing people
killed, too. All that lip service about
rescuing her dad and finding the elusive butterfly is completely uneven and
creates no real character motivation. Gwendoline is first mousy, then strong, and
later deceptive. Perhaps it’s meant to be character growth, but her wants him
then hates him emotions are all over the place, too. It’s not really Tawny’s
fault – in fact, her pouty eighties appeal makes a lot of those flaws
disappear. She looks far better with her hair pulled away from her face, and it’s
refreshing to see a curvy style and un-dolled up, fresh face in this new
century of stick and plastic women. Tawny’s topless and all wet in slow motion
– ultimately, I don’t think what she’s saying matters that much! Those up close
faux orgasms, however, are just laughable. I mean, there are the funny looks on
people’s faces in hard-core poor and then there’s the weird, fully clothed, and
wearing a helmet sex here. Unfortunately for die-hard kitten Kitaen fans, Gwendoline’s action is all topless and not full
frontal. It keeps Gwendoline just
titillating enough, doesn’t it?
Of
course, lady audiences also get the shaft thanks to the blink and you miss it penis
ratio. Brent Huff (Girl’s Night) is
also a totally unlikeable ass as our cheap imitation Indiana Jones Willard. Willard?
Willard? Unlike Kitaen, his eighties
then attractive just doesn’t work now. The onscreen relationship is also lame,
with Willard presented as too grown up and badass to the overly naïve Gwennie.
Again, folks who like the implied barely legal bondage can enjoy, but the attempt
at making the overly manly man as parody falls flat. Their banter is all over
the place, and it’s too unbelievable to be romantic even on a hammed up level. I
suppose part of the film’s charm is in how preposterous it is, but it doesn’t
get the over the top camp intentionally correct enough, and it can make your
brain hurt if you think on it too much. He pokes her in the eye with a piece of
straw and that is supposed to be making love? What? I’m glad Willard gets
punished by being forced into a thong. Zabou (Beautiful Memories) is likewise wacky as Gwendoline’s nursemaid
Beth. She’s supposed to protect our titular gal but ends up more helpless and
afraid. We know she’s only there for double girl teases and latent passive
aggressive innuendo. However, with all the other stupidity happening, her comic
relief simply isn’t required.
So,
if the script, acting, and plot of Gwendoline
stinks, then surely the art
direction is visually striking, top notch good stuff! Nope. The kinky bad BDSM
leather costumes are too eighties shoulder pads-esque to be attractive, the butterfly
graphics are way weird, and the avante garde eighties music adds to the Euro
messy feeling. Fog, or dust and piles of junk onscreen are used to hide the ridiculously
small stage Asian opening, but it just makes Gwendoline look more on the poor. There are some attempts at
gruesome and dangerous action thanks to hooks, bloody slashes, and ears being
sliced off, yeah, but the pitiable fight choreography boils such action down to
the aforementioned stereotypical jungle tribes and Amazon women offensives. The
Styrofoam temples also go from some sort of Allan Quartermain looking adventure
to a different underground science fiction vibe, but hey, who’s paying
attention to the plot or set decoration at this point?
Adults
only should definitely go for broke with the under two hours Ultimate Director’s
Cut edition of Gwendoline instead of
the chopped up 88 minute American release for all the commentary crazies and
interview fun. The credits are in French
and there are no subtitles, but big whoop. Of course, I swear Netflix only has
two copies, for Gwendoline was on
wait forever before finally arriving cracked.
The replacement skipped, too, but then, what is Gwendoline but so bad its good fast forward juicy?
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