Tales
from the Crypt Season Two Full of More Fun Horrors
by
Kristin Battestella
The
1990 Second Season of HBO's Tales
from the Crypt is
the series' longest year with eighteen summer episodes full of the
anthology's particular brand of adult
horror and warped humor. John Kassir's Crypt Keeper is irreverent as
ever with his macabre quips, infectious giggle, and deadpan puns –
luring the likes of Arnold Schwarzenegger behind the helm before a
brief appearance with CK himself. More famous directors this season
include Tales from the Crypt
producers Richard Donner and Walter Hill alongside recurring series
directors Fred Dekker (Night
of the Creeps), Howard
Deutch (Some Kind of
Wonderful), and Tom Holland
(Child's Play).
Once again, the series embraces its campy, colorful, twisted source
material, with stories from classic magazines such as Shock
SuspenStories, Vault
of Horror, Crypt of Terror, Haunt of Fear, and
of course, Tales from
the Crypt.
The
most beautiful but bitchy, money hungry waitress Demi Moore (Ghost)
marries the gluttonous Jeffrey Tambor (Arrested
Development) in
the immediately memorable “Dead
Right” premiere. In 1950,
$20 for the fortune teller was sure cheap, but the promised death and
foretold inheritance are enough to overcome the rude courtship,
terrible remarks, and revolting appearances. There's strip club saucy
and off color charm, too – not to mention a morbid montage
imagining all the hit and runs or fatal choking possibilities. The
fat suit designs and cruel quips are also offensive, with intimate
relations meant to be gross and uncomfortable. Fortunately, this
being Tales from the
Crypt, we
know there will be a justified if ironic twist. Likewise,
Emmy nominated William Hickey (Prizzi's
Honor) is desperate
to marry the young Kelly
Preston (Twins) despite
her objection that he is old enough to be her grandfather in “The
Switch.” A plastic
surgery face swap with the handsome Rick
Rossovich (Pacific Blue)
comes
with a million dollar price tag and mad science to match.
Unfortunately, the pretty face with an old man body isn't very
alluring, and the price goes up as the Frankenstein style body parts
lead to all the winks we expect. “Cutting
Cards,” however, gets right to the western
casino chase with
gamblers Lance Henriksen (Near
Dark) and Kevin Tighe
(Emergency!) betting
against each other in a purgatory style duel of dice, cards, and
roulette. Calculating which chamber holds the bullet escalates to
higher and higher stakes – like chop poker where the loser loses a
finger. Despite the intense editing and cheating suspicions, this is
a fun little two-hander – if you forgive the pun. Gunshots and
tacky photo shoot montages with sunset backdrops and kissing
silhouettes accent the Mayan amulets and non-linear editing in “The
Thing From the Grave,” poking fun at the romance between model Teri
Hatcher (Desperate
Housewives) and
photographer Kyle Secor (Homicide:
Life on the Street) as
its disrupted
by her trigger happy boyfriend Miguel Ferrer (Crossing
Jordan) and
a little undead vengeance, as you do.
All
this while The Crypt
Keeper is reading Playdead!
In
“For Cryin' Out Loud,” Iggy
Pop's crooked music
manager Lee Arenberg (Pirates
of the Caribbean) hears his
conscious in the form of comic Sam
Kinison. Unfortunately, he ignores the voice for seductive groupie
with ulterior motives Katey
Sagal (Sons of Anarchy), and
some gross ear salves set off the murder, laughs, and warped irony.
Cinderella farmhand Patricia Arquette (Medium)
has a backwoods employer checking out her tiny white tank top in
“Four-Sided Triangle.” Good thing there's a sexy scarecrow to
help her! The nasty mood comes across without showing much – after
all, “you beat the help but don't kill 'em.” This one's certainly
a unique tale, complete with threats of turning real flesh and blood
men from bulls into steers and killer hoes for good measure. Bobcat
Goldthwait (Oh my gosh, Hot
to Trot, people)
wants to be a ventriloquist like his idol Don Rickles in “The
Ventriloquist's Dummy,” but you can see his lips move and the
dummy's head falls off, whoopsie! The crappy amateur night and cruel
crowd add camp, but just when you think you've see it all when it
comes to ventriloquism in horror, Tales
from the Crypt pulls
out meat grinders and designs
both laughable and bizarre. “Asshole casserole,” I've never heard
that one before! Then again appearances are everything for eighties
yuppie Carol Kane (Taxi)
in “Judy, You're Not Yourself Today.” Faux accents, French, tea
times, and a gun toting husband aren't enough until a cosmetics lady
comes calling for our wrinkle worrying Mrs. Alas, our sales lady has
an indestructible switcheroo necklace, making for some twisted
violence and wit. Cruel mortician Moses Gunn (Roots)
anchors “Fitting Punishment” alongside morose organ music,
mistaken biblical quotes, and post mortem scams for one of the
season's finest. Embalming with water is cheaper than the real
chemicals, and the dead's gold teeth get pulled – God helps those
who help themselves and waste not want not! Coffins made in Taiwan
are inexpensive, too – but shorter. If there's a spare box lying
around, why not use it? Of course, this being Tales
from the Crypt, cutting
such bloody corners will come back to get you.
Illustrator
Harry Anderson (Night Court)
continues
the quality with
“Korman's Kalamity” when his bossy wife's experimental potency
pills inadvertently
bring his creative side
to life. The
Tales from the Crypt
logos on the office door and Vault
of Horror
volumes on the shelf create a bemusing faux behind the scenes life
imitating art, and the ridiculously phony comic book monsters match
the colorful over the top designs. Tales
from the Crypt admits
this is a really weird idea, and that's exactly why we're watching.
Distorted camera angles and smoky shadows also bring the grim turn of
the century freak show to life in “Lower
Berth.” There's two-faced caged oddities, dying freaks, desperate
managers, and charlatans bartering rare Egyptian slave girl mummies.
The stolen sarcophagus and cursed jewels may seem straightforward,
but castration consequences and undead romance provide the
surprisingly wild topper we never knew we needed. By contrast, “Mute
Witness to Murder” is an upfront thriller with no humor as Richard
Thomas (The Waltons) and
Patricia Clarkson (Six
Feet Under)
provide the titular shocks with straight jackets, padded cells, and I
know that you know that I know deceptions. Blue camera visuals, audio
check ins to be let out, and strapped down beds invoke a scary
helplessness. Someone else is in control with needles and drugs –
making for some true suspense, fourth wall voyeurism, and camera as
confessor. “Television
Terror,” however, pokes fun at its tale within a tale talk show
desperate for Geraldo scandals as our host recounts gruesome murders
while his film crew follows with a camera and spotlight. Creepy
static, ghostly splices, and bloody bathtubs wink in the night, and
the OMG what was that humor is bemusingly prophetic regarding today's
paranormal reality television craze. Tales
from the Crypt finishes
Year Two strong with the memorable penultimate
“My Brother's Keeper.” Siamese yet opposite twins have some
laughable connections – but can their butt attachment be separated
and is the fifty/fifty chance worth it? Great dual filming and
mirrored, but not always matching images or paired actions lead to
more awkwardness, and of course, a lady comes between them – pun
intended – along with crimes, cleavers, and cruel twists.
The
Crypt Keeper is upset that Oliver
has
no Twist for
the season finale “The
Secret,” but Dickensian puns accent this austere orphanage with
misbehaving
boys and what happened to his parents whispers. Eerie blue
transitions and askew camerawork add to the childlike reluctance when
rich but mysterious adoptive parents whisk a boy away to their
museum-like home. Good thing there's a room full of awesome toys and
when asking for milk, the butler gives him milkshakes! Who cares if
there are bars on all the windows? When not off painting the town
red, our parents only come out at night – but they have a surprise
in the works. The titular answer is probably obvious, but the
innocence and charm have fun here, adding personality and the kind of
unexpected finish that only Tales
from the Crypt
can do. While there aren't many bad episodes, Tales
from the Crypt has
a slight sophomore lag mid season with the voodoo clichés of “Til
Death.” Though not as bad other other Caribbean horror attempts –
the gore and zombie elements are scary as well as humorous – the
stereotypical story resorts to a scorned Janet Hubert (Fresh
Prince of Bel-Air) getting
back at nasty white men messing with the local magic. Weaker
writing and less famous casting also hampers the winning Tales
from the Crypt formula in
“Three's a Crowd” when a husband suspects his wife is up to no
good with their wealthy friend after he lavishes them with gifts and
an anniversary trip. The opportunity for suspicion feels there only
because that conclusion has to happen for the yuppie mayhem to ensue,
and the domestic violence is totally unnecessary. When
Tales from the Crypt
viewing
was limited to weekly HBO waits or random late night repeats,
audiences didn't care about any repetitiveness. However, watching
this longer than usual
season all together reveals too many similarly themed love triangles,
greed,
for love or money twists, and seedy
fillers. Kim Delaney (NYPD
Blue) and Michael Ironside
(V) deserve
more than murder for money in
“The Sacrifice,” for moody
L.A. cityscapes and saucy rocking the boat affairs lead to dirty
blackmail and long walks off the short balcony, naturally.
1990
is also still pretty eighties dated, making Tales
from the Crypt both
look cheaper than it was yet adding a neo-noir atmosphere to some of
the downtrodden macabre. Several episodes are more eighties does
forties or fifties rockabilly style to match the record players, old
televisions, cool cars, and swanky tunes. Of course, there are also
triangular blazers, shoulder pads, Blossom
hats,
and high-waisted jeans – fatalities of the then hip
over-emphasizing fashions along with granny panties, large tassels,
and lingerie that reveals nothing. Such barely there nudity,
ten seconds of strippers in the background, and mostly clothed
make-outs courtesy of the HBO premium cable saucy is totally tame
compared to the all but naked singers today, however I must say, the
cigarettes, onscreen smoke, and liquored up attitudes are now more
noticeably risqué.
Quality blood and gory squirts, spills, or stabs also remain well
done alongside red spotlights, blue lighting, and strong shadow and
light schemes regardless of the anthology's setting. Creepy organ
music accents the askew camera angles and colorful, intentionally
faithful comic book design mirroring the Tales
from the Crypt magazine
sources. The supporting
cast per episode is likewise always quality with numerous or
occasionally re-appearing familiar faces in critical or twisted
cameos. Unfortunately,
it seems there is a lot of legalese tying up any blu-ray release and
streaming rights, and until the brand new Tales
from the Crypt box set, the Complete Series was only available by packaging the DVD
collections together. The “kill intro” opening theme makes it
easier to marathon the Season Two three disc set without repeating
the credits, and Pimp CK does some new bemusements amid the menus and
featurettes. His ghastly little supplies come from “Hacme,” and
if you don't get that pun then you are too young to be watching the
show.
One
can easily forget these ghoulish mini movies are only a half hour,
for Tales from the Crypt moves
fast but keeps your attention during and after a viewing thanks to
the brand's personality and self-referential ability to laugh at the
gory with well written scripts and sardonic winks. It feels like
there are more episodes of Tales from the Crypt than
there actually are because the series ages well with many memorable
times in this extended season. A creepy atmosphere and famous guest
stars set the viewer up for the scary topper, and Tales
from the Crypt Season Two
remains perfect for a gruesome late night marathon.
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