Campy Eighties Horrors
by
Kristin Battestella
Heads
will roll for this camp trio of eighties horrors featuring ice
skating killers, devilish passengers, dingoes, divas, and feathered
hair. Neato. Rad.
Curtains
– An actress attacks orderlies and ends up wearing a straight
jacket in this 1983 slasher – but the squeaking wheelchair, crazy
humming, cackling patients, and drab hospital stay are merely
research to play the perfect wild haired madwoman. Unfortunately, the
sleepless hysterics don't impress her director as he auditions new,
supple talent. This interesting but rocky premise keeps restarting
with hollow introductions, struggling comediennes, angry agent phone
calls, and the drive to the spooky mansion auditions while our diva
escapes off screen. Despite gory stabbings and creepy dolls, dream
shocks and an otherwise well done stalking of an ingenue in the bath
and a bedroom attack are just foreplay fake outs. At times the screen
is dark or the picture jumps, and it's tough to tell who is who
beyond the dancer, figure skater, or slut tropes, which are more for
specific kills rather than character development. Some of the menace
is slow to get going, even laughable – don't just stand there, make
like the wind and skate away from the killer! – and the tone is
uneven between the all out slasher and the inside the actresses'
heads psychological chills. Radio storm reports, line rehearsals, and
steamy hot tubs better set the scene, and we learn more about the
ladies once they ask each other who would casting couch, jump through
hoops, or kill for this role. A few make friends and respect the more
experienced stars among them, but others are cold, dismissive, or
eavesdrop for their gain. Arguments said to be scenes from the play
made to sound so real add interesting meta on what is reality versus
performance amid snowy perils, giant boomboxes, troublesome
cassettes, ghoulish masks, and a cutthroat sickle. The Method
sessions say don't think, do, be ugly, put on the repulsive mantle
for the face is simply another mask while brief lez be friends
moments are a nervous rehearsal on vulnerability and forgetting one's
sex – leading to calling out the director and pointing fingers as
one by one the ladies disappear thanks to fun house mazes, water
dripping suspense, and great, heady shocks when we get them. Is the
killer among the auditionees? The finale may be too swift and doesn't
really run with its surprise, probably because of the behind the
scenes delays and production turmoil. However, quick and easy slices,
up close or penetrating attacks, and elaborate chases make good use
of the theatrical props, lighting, and fatal reveals for a unique
slasher spin.
Night Train to Terror – God
and Satan are passengers on a speeding train destined to crash at
dawn, framing this 1985 anthology with immediate temptations versus
eternal betterment debates and a hysterical eighties rock video party
in the next cabin car complete with neon headbands, feathered hair,
off the shoulder baggy shirts with wide belts, and every other
terrible eighties faux pas you can imagine. They're obviously not
playing the instruments in these dated segues, but Lucifer admits the
music is crappy amid the padded hospital rooms, electric shock
treatments, and naked bottle blondes strapped to the table in “The
Case of Harry Billings.” This First segment adds hypnosis, hymns,
and hatchets to the medical horrors, forgiving the confusing
lookalike women and hodgepodge origin of these tales from other
unfinished pictures with atmospheric chases, screams, organ
harvesting, and poisoned cocktails. Is the victim deserving of heaven
and the killer a one way trip to hell? The train porter keeps track
of the ticket book as the Second story “The Case of Greta Connors”
offers neon lights, carnival rides, and underground western themed
smut as the titular ingenue two times her sugar daddy. The narration
could have been spoken dialogue and some of the killer bug effects
are downright goofy, but gothic castles, spooky storms, and fatal
games raise the stakes. Innate stinger suspense, electric chair
dares, and Kung Fu thugs wearing bandannas add further midnight
macabre – this isn't meant to be taken seriously and embraces the
rough around the edges hokey horror. The sound is also poor, but
there's vintage slow motion break dancing! “The Case of Claire
Hansen” Finale brings the religious parable full circle with
trigger happy Nazis, vengeful old men, skeptical televangelists, a
satanic apprentice with a killer quota, and the righteous who would
stop him. Yes, this is messy. The seventies anthology films are
polished, fearful classics in comparison to this yuppie house of
horrors fast track. However, a cool scene, the scary mood, and the
laughable fun of it all grabs viewer attention perfectly for a zany
drinking game or Halloween movie marathon.
Road Games – Stacy Keach
(Mike Hammer)
and Jamie Lee Curtis (Halloween)
get right to the big rigs, radio chatter, hitchhikers, meat
factories, seedy hotels, and nude strangulations in this 1981
Australian trek complete with rival green vans, dingoes in peril, and
ominous coolers in the backseat. Classical music, harmonicas, idle
word games, and poetry quotes pepper the boredom of the open road
alongside mocking others on the highway – the packed station wagon,
a nagging wife passenger, bratty kids in the backseat, and naughty
newlyweds. Radio reports about a killer on the loose add to the
shattered windows, jamming on the brakes, squealing tires, and
suspicious shortcuts while our van man dumps unusual garbage and digs
holes in the middle of the Outback. Interesting rear view mirror
angles and well done rear projection make up for some of the
talkativeness, for all speculation about our mystery driver has to be
out loud because we have so few characters amid the cliff side
hazards and chases through the brush. Does he have sex with his
female victims before he kills them and chops them up? Is this just a
bemusing puzzle to occupy the time or is the sleepless sleuthing and
overactive imagination getting the best of our truck driver? Down
Under road signs, truck stops, and country locales accent the arcade
games, cigarette machines, and patchy phone calls to the clueless
police as the engines rev up with dangerous high speed chases,
motorcycles, decoys, and abductions. Lightning strikes, rainbows,
sunsets, headlights, and car alarms set off the tense zooms as the
cops accuse our heart on his sleeve driver – and the suspicious
banging in the back of his over weight haul. This isn't full on
horror as some audiences may expect, but hanging pork and red
lighting do a lot with very little. Perilous curves and speeding
accidents bring the race right into the city streets with alley
traps, crushing vehicles, and a tasty fun finish.
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