Forgettable
Haunted House Horrors
by
Kristin Battestella
I
do so hate being mean, but sometimes there are just poor horror
movies, and these recent spooky dorms, haunted game show contestants,
and ghostly rentals are best left in the bargain bin.
Apartment 1303 – Two and a half
minutes of loud, padding opening credits don't help this muddled 2013
remake starring estranged singer Rebecca De Mornay (Risky
Business), miscast snarky
daughter Mischa Barton (The
O.C.) and foolish youngest
Julianne Michelle (looking like a sickly thin fourteen year old) who
signs a cheap lease on the titular flat complete with a view, creepy
kids, a pervy super, and ghostly residue. The mother/daughter arguing
plot feels like a dramatic movie separate from the horror, but De
Mornay's husky singing is more interesting than the cliché girl
alone taking selfies and talking to herself over ironing board jump
scares. It's tough to care about this drinking, quivering kid. What
did she expect? Rattling
doors, phantom shadows, spooky sounds, foggy attacks, and scary faces
tapping at the window do better than the ugly crying shouts, cheating
boyfriend, the black best friend in only one scene, divorced dad cop
subplots, and one uncomfortable sex scene. The ghost girl looks like
a man, the bathroom scenes are laughable – those fake bubbles in
Mischa's tub! – and the screaming ghost roars are useless. The
spectre and its special effects are barely there but this ghost can
physically do a lot – like dragging the stick chick all across the
floor. An unexpected turn halfway through makes viewers wonder why
one plot wasn't just told in its entirety as a short opening prologue
before the family pieces. However, the sisters really are
interchangeable, and I would rather have seen their broken down mom
moving into the haunt to do some comeback songwriting and solve the
scares. Phantom phone calls, bizarre dreams, investigation of past
deaths, even calling the police for the deadly facts come too late,
and the paranormal really happens most in last ten minutes with no
resolution and four more minutes of credits. Eighty-five minutes my
foot! There's no time to waste, yet this does everything but focus on
the horror – and its ten years behind on the blonde moves to a
creepy place with a kid trend. While serviceable for those who can
laugh at this kind of babe alone boo fest, I suspect the J-horror
original is better.
Evidence of a Haunting – This
eighty minutes from 2010 claims to be footage from a real paranormal
society. However, some scenes are shot like found footage
investigation cams while others are dramatically styled as in a
scripted paranormal reality show. There's edgy music scoring amid the
raw investigative footage, too, hmm. The acting is poor and there's
no natural flow – booms, slamming doors, and Paranormal
Activity knockoffs
can't save a stilted
script.
Despite onscreen camera
labels and character names or team member titles, too many cliches
are thrown in the pot from demons, ghosts, and mediums to a priest
and a possessed kid saying nasty sex stuff. Dark photography with
flashlight spotlights don't help the amateur exorcisms, and the
struggle filming looks like a college extra credit video. The first
fifteen minutes here feel so long and agonizing – but that isn't
even the main case and more investigations and flashbacks of the
team's childhood paranormal experiences are tossed in for good
measure. Good thing somebody was able to find that inexplicable
footage out of the past! I honestly hate being mean, but I couldn't
finish this.
7 Nights of Darkness –
If House
on Haunted Hill had
been a reality show and we found the tape, I hope it wouldn't be like
this 2010 ninety minutes where contestants are supposed to stay in a
Big
Brother style
asylum for the prize money. Of course, none of them has yet to claim
the prize, dun dun dun. While the filming is home movie simplistic,
the supposedly abandoned asylum is ironically so white, bright,
shiny, and new! Did they shoot everything on campus one weekend in
the dorm? All the spliced OMG fake scares, screaming girls, cursing
men, spinning cameras, and flashlights failing should have been a
half hour at best. Most of the time is spent arguing in unable to see
nightvision darkness, and the shouting over the worms on the pizza,
seriously? They couldn't make it through, and neither could I.
No comments:
Post a Comment