More
Scares to be had in Tales from the Darkside Season 3
by
Kristin Battestella
The
1986-87 Third Season of Tales
from the Darkside features
twenty-two more episodes of horror and oddities beginning with “The
Circus” premiere written by series producer George Romero. In a
series that usually puts the bizarre first, this episode truly feels
like a horror tale as Showman William Hickey (Tales from the Crypt) promises
mummy and vampire spectacles to a journalist trying to debunk the
smoke and mirror ghouls. The bloody feedings and hungry dogs,
however, make for some disturbing showmanship – a creepy little
parable done with very little, using one setting and power of
suggestion scares for a fitting twist. Covered furniture and a
murderous history don't deter a couple from their spooky new home in
“Florence Bravo.” This is supposed to be a fresh start, but the
wife – who was put in an institution by her husband after a nervous
breakdown – isn't taking her pills as the rocking chair moves by
itself and ghostly visions escalate. The haunted house set up is
familiar, but she loves their spooky old home and her adulterous
husband will pay the price for the house's evil ideologies with
bloody floorboards, gunshots, and killer ghosts. A suspicious
dollhouse in “The Geezenstacks” comes complete with the
eponymous doll family, and their morbid playtime whispers come true
as the cracks begin to show with implied domestic violence and dire
real world consequences. The bemusing bizarre here is less annoying
that other kid-centric episodes thanks to creepy toys and that
quintessential Tales from
the Darkside quirky
likewise seen in “Black
Widows.” Our homebody knitting mother insists enough company comes
to her, like salesmen and ministers knocking on the door. However,
visitors who squash and kill a spider in her house will pay the
pincer price – even the fiance who's not good enough for her
daughter. He's too thin and the web-like laundry hangings add to the
obvious, but there's a sardonic wit to the family secret.
Unfortunately, the eerie mood escalates for an unscrupulous yuppie
art dealer in “Heretic” when the inscriptions on a valuable
Inquisition painting would have him learn the err of his ways. The
torture and warped religion lead to terrible twists on life imitating
art with pain and fiery consequences.
Warnings
to behave and not do anything you wouldn't do on network television
accent the homemaker quaint in “A Serpent's Tooth.” Mom insists
she nags because she loves, however her teen daughter and college
drop out son's choices will be over her dead body. She receives the
eponymous charm with a warning to be careful what she wishes for –
because she may get it. The television, radio, and telephone
disappear when she threatens how inconvenient life would be without
them, and when she tells an obnoxious kid next door that his face
will get stuck that way it does.
Talk
about a salty lesson! By contrast, a greedy advertising executive
sees a New Orleans bakery and its intoxicating cookies as a golden
opportunity in “Baker's
Dozen.” The secret ingredients of a thirteenth specialty make for
twisted connections between men, dough, and gingerbread in this tasty
voodoo turnabout also written by Romero. Of course, the kids in
“Seasons of Belief” are at the age where they don't believe in
Santa Claus – but their older, festive parents warn them of a more
terrible figure called The Grither. While disbelieving in Saint Nick
only makes your presents under the tree disappear, The Grither is the
most awful thing in the world, and they've called him by saying his
name out loud. Tales from
the Darkside provides
a certain warped
amusement here with a holiday episode featuring a deliberate act to
scare kids, twisted carols and all. A mannequin trades places with a
burglar for “Miss May Dusa,” and creepy shadows accent the
seedy subway and what goes on after hours sunglasses at night. Our
cursed lady doesn't remember who she was before, but a jazzy street
musician tries to guess, making for an interesting twofer with
sadness, despair, and bitter realizations layering a more serious
drama on the horror of loneliness. Little Chad Allen (Dr.
Quinn Medicine Woman) says
if you leave him a note, the milkman will give you presents in
“The Milkman Cometh,” and a family in debt that has lost a baby
is rewarded with another pregnancy. Was it a response from the 'While
You Were Sleeping Dairy' or a coincidence? Increasing conflict,
financial struggles, and drinking lead to eerie silhouettes and blue
lighting making what was once a normal neighborhood visitor totally
creepy with bizarre revelations and eponymous winks.
Jeff
Conway's (Grease) typing his latest in “My Ghostwriter –
The Vampire,” and he's happy writing hack vampire tropes for the
money – until Dracula shows up on his balcony. He's there to prove
his powers, proposing sanctuary in exchange for his nine hundred
years of bloody details. The toothy secrets lead to literary success,
and the traditional vampire motifs with eighties spins are great fun.
However Dracula wants his share of the spoils, and there's an
underlying ominous thanks to dining in on the maid neck bites and
handy silverware. Robert Bloch's (Psycho) “Everybody Needs a
Little Love” starring Jerry Orbach (Law & Order) has
noir mood with cigarettes, Truman posters, and vintage pubs.
Our barfly friend brings home a mannequin, drinking, dancing, and
taking a week off from work to cook dinner and sit 'Estelle' at the
table. Who needs a nagging broad when you can have a classy dame who
just sits there and smiles! He insists she's no prude, adding to the
old fashioned creepy and lively twists with a hint of something more
sinister as her look or positioning seems slightly different from
glance to glance. An old crone and her young looking friend reunite
for a bitter 1692 anniversary in “Auld Acquaintances” amid talk
of burning houses, lightning strikes, poisoned cats, and puritan
flashbacks. Evil chants, talismans, chokings, and threats set off the
zany performances alongside Salem imagery and some intense 1987
shocking language on whores and devils. The bargains in blood and
pacts to live forever are well done in this confined two-hander. More
spell books, enchantments, and boils in “The Swap” don't impress
the young wife of a man who can't compare to his mama – the
greatest conjurer Louisiana ever saw. So long as she 'plays house'
each night, his wife will get all their millions, and she goes
upstairs with her revolting husband rather than be poor. Of course,
she's secretly with the hunky handyman, and Tales from the
Darkside gets a little saucy
with talk of 'gentlemanly pleasures,' handcuffs, and bottles forced
into a man's mouth. The twisted little threesome escalates with
poison, wills, and stipulations on who the wealthy widow must
marry next. By contrast, it's all idyllic mid century sophistication
in “The Enormous Radio” with martinis, classical music, and
period touches raising the unique horrors. Do our eavesdroppers
interfere when they adjust the dial and hear their neighbors or is it
none of their business? Unfortunately, the addictive gossip gives way
to heated arguing, and the sad, depressing strain of hearing the
whole building's troubles ultimately overwhelm our once perfect
couple.
Early
in Year Three, however, back-to-back kid tales sag Tales
from the Darkside thanks
to an annoying little girl disliking her engaged sister's kisses with
her jerky fiance in “I
Can't Help Saying Goodbye.” The titular premonitions lead to
explosions, funerals, and a whiff of religion versus innocence but
the crappy attitudes can't make a thin script more eerie. “The
Bitterest Pill” offers another petulant kid and nasty dad, and the
family remains pissy even after they win the lottery. The in your
face speed talking over the eponymous drug that provides total recall
takes the investments over the top and the fittingly harsh turnabout
drags on too long. Southern charm schmoozing over the politician at
dinner in “Deliver Us From Goodness” also repeats the be careful
what you wish for come ups that were done better several episodes
prior, and the religious hypocrisy gets lost in the out of control
humor and off the mark obnoxiousness. “My Own Place” may have
$285 rent control, however there's a semi -mystical roommate that
won't leave – despite the yuppie renter's curry jokes, Calcutta
insults, and racist slurs. Such demeaning isn't scary, and our jerky
new tenant realizes he's getting what he deserves too late. A
stereotypical gold digging femme fatale widow cut off from the
company stock in “Red Leader” adds to the slow, generic corporate
talk of cooked books and shady real estate as hellish minions from
below debate over the same old evil businessmen tropes. Yawn.
Likewise, a greedy young apprentice tries on a pair of magically
crafted shoes in “The Social Climber.” He can really go places in
this fancy pair, but his shoemaker boss warns him there will be a
price. Unfortunately, the magical elements can't disguise the
transparent end, and today some viewers may be completely baffled by
what a cobbler even is. A drunk having a heart attack to open “Let
the Games Begin” leads to mirrors on the ceiling, hellish shadows,
and heavenly echoes arguing over who gets to claim his soul. Both try
to entice him by appearing as his angelic best friend and his vixen
sister-in-law. However the askew angles, sardonic tricks, and heart
beating suspense are too uneven, attempting too much between humor
and cynicism in a plain story that gets irritating fast. What is
scary
are those yuppie styles – plaid sweaters tied over the shoulders,
tube socks, and dated feather hair on top of crimped ponytails, neon
fashions, and Like a
Virgin
fishnets. The Tales
from the Darkside title
card was changed for this season, the menu design on the Season Three
DVDs is slightly
different, and there are no subtitles. Cramped eighties trailer
homes, small sets, and single locations with red lighting and dark
dressings may be cheap, however the claustrophobia is also very
effective amid atmospheric thunder and that indelible, chilling Tales
from the Darkside theme.
Sound effects accent the monster make up, blood, gothic archways, and
older Victorian styles. Retro kitchens, typewriters, and big boob
tubes harken a mid-century housewife mood – pink wallpaper, dusty
rose doilies, and old bag vacuums contrast the giant eighties
portable brick phones and pathetically dated computers. These ladies
have to take off a clip earring to use the rotary phone and count
the teaspoons to make that old fashioned coffee! While such a lengthy
season has its ups and downs thanks to dated or hammy half hours that
are weird rather than scary, Tales
from the Darkside Season Three once again provides creepy, chilling,
and atmospheric parables for a nostalgic horror marathon.
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