Splitting Family Horrors

 

Splitting Family Horrors

by Kristin Battestella

Despite feminine and non-white strides in their scary storytelling, these recent family-oriented household horrors make for some wanted-to-like-it-but split decision viewing.

Imaginary – Returning to the childhood home, titular games, and teddy bears doom a blended multi-racial family in this 2024 Blumhouse yarn starring DeWanda Wise (She's Gotta Have It). Opening spider transformations are just dream scares for our children's author and illustrator; fake startles and the stereotypical texting teen daughter get old fast. A lame boy next door also exists solely for bathroom stupids, and the toy bear zooming down the hallway for a monster fright is more filler than fearful. A break-in by the crazy ex-wife wastes time and our nonentity husband goes away on tour – making viewers question if we need anyone but our writer and the younger precocious stepdaughter conveniently named Alice. Thankfully, hide and seek leads to an ominous basement and our child voices both sides of the disturbing conversation with her new imaginary friend. Serious one on one family moments reveal backstory, feelings, and scars before well filmed video therapy chats make for an eerie psychosis. Psychologist worries, bittersweet visits with dad at the assisted living, uncovering childhood bear drawings, and history repeating itself phrases lead to stuffed animal surprises and missing children. Our bear's scavenger hunt is a spell for crossing over into the imaginary world – doing something that scares you, gets you hurt and in trouble with effigies, bugs, and matches. Unfortunately, it takes an hour to get to this fantastical leap, and the audience may not follow. Our teen does end up believing, however not because of her own family's encounters, but due to outside reinforcement. Obnoxious twists descend into overlong, contrived fun house set pieces, goofy sing songs, laughable creepy kids, and comical giant bears explained via Inside Out references from unnecessary exposition characters who are happy to be on the other side. The nonsensical, unable to see, too dark never world; but wait there's more self sacrifice; and saccharin faux escapes go on and on until burning down the house is the only recourse. Good luck explaining that to the authorities! The husband never comes back asking WTF, either – but there's another kid with another teddy bear that's apparently the same thing. This could have been a psychological versus horror twofer under ninety minutes highlighting Wise's well done repression. If you can chuckle at the silly choices done instead, this can be entertaining. However there's nothing scary about the LOL bug eye monster people.

Kept Woman – A robbery in the city sends our engaged couple to the suburban quaint with a too groovy to be true neighbor in this 2015 ninety minute thriller. The mortgage is precarious, and thus Jessica gets along better with every other man than her fiance. However, she also wastes time with online friends investigating true crimes when she's supposed to be writing a book. Our breadwinner mocks her whodunits, dismissing Jessica's nosy suspicions about their Professor of Men's Studies neighbor Simon. The first half hour is a little long in establishing their dynamic before a weak catalyst gets the weary Jessica alone with Simon – drugged and waking in a retro pink and yellow kitschy basement with the perfectly fifties Robin warning Jessica not to make Simon angry. Simon brings Jessica vintage gifts and insists Robin make her feel welcome while he packs her bags to feign having left her fiance. Her betrothed leaves a jerky voicemail that he'll apologize to her face later, but we shouldn't see anything outside once we are locked in the bunker. Creepy bedroom doo wop, betrayals, and apologies lead to revelations of a previous woman, iron burns, and punishment when you don't listen. Jessica has to play sweet, dress demure, and use her typewriter, but Simon vows to take care of which woman is pretending or lying – leading to sobbing in the bedroom and whirring saws. Unfortunately, the unnecessary, nonsensical outside storyline deflates the congested bunker disturbia. The couple's BFF cop never followed up on Simon admitting to a dalliance with a student, but the online crime group put the missing girls on campus pieces together. Wasting time on more tangents detracts from the lipstick on the collar and foreshadowed signals. We also never learn why the mid-century nostalgia. How did he afford this elaborate home? Why are there two bedrooms with two women when it repeatedly causes conflict – Madonna and Whore mommy issues? It takes our fiance the entire movie to get a clue, for he's more annoyed at her leaving him in a real estate lurch, throwing away her possessions while she's actually being assaulted and believing she found someone else because he cheated before their engagement. It's shitty that Jessica remains with her fiance when he gave up searching for her for almost two months, and the final fight is rushed for a silly one year later prison visit when I'd rather have seen the titular book success.

Nope – Keith David (The Thing) gravitas, Donna Mills (Falcon Crest) humor, and Michael Wincott (The Crow) cranky accent director Jordan Peele's (Us) 2022 weird western metaphors amid dusty California isolation, horses in fear, and fatal objects falling from the sky. Green screen wrangling and safety meeting spins from sister Keke Palmer (Scream Queens) are awkward, and brother Daniel Kaluuya (Judas and the Black Messiah) is selling off horses to a neighboring theme park run by former child star Steven Yeun (Minari). The Black struggle for acknowledgment in The West and Hollywood is immediate with minority contributions ignored and animals misused. Flickering electricity and objects above acerbate our realistic, foul mouthed sibling relationship as they debate the preposterous and hook up cameras in hopes of recording the UFO stealing their horses in the moonlight. Freaky shadows in the barn, bugs on the camera, and mists coming down from the sky are a nope on that shit; yet digital versus film, vinyl, and walkie talkies chronicle our obsession with documenting everything. We view our world through a lens be it on television or own recording of our lives, exploited and exploiting ourselves. Daylight hovering increases as our territorial alien gets a taste for more than horses, and motorcycles in the old west theme park and on horseback rescues provide throwback action alongside the simplicity of not looking an animal in the eye and don't look up clues. Phones go down amid trapped in the truck perils and arguments about staying inside, feeding the monsters, and plans to go analog to defeat it. Unfortunately, silly contemporary references will date the social commentary for future audiences, and silence would have been better than the warped music distortions. Intercut restarts are piece meal not ominous – disjointed amid ill fated monkey sitcoms, morbid memorabilia, and unnecessarily drawn out scenes. Too dark to see cutaways break the UFO momentum for theme park pranks, on set detours, and inside the alien perspectives when we should never leave the family viewpoint. Desperation for the money shot results in a typical sacrifice, and anonymous screaming for a phone or camera even in death is bound by TMZ jokes. News reports, superfluous characters, backstory parallels, and public fatalities detract from the sibling encounters, ballooning 100 minute horrors into an overlong two hours plus. Though entertaining with likable characters, this looses steam with redundant elements that stray from the immediate story and taught metaphors.

Jack Irish Reviews at Keith Loves Movies!

 

We've been doing some television moonlighting at Keith Loves Movies, yes indeed!

In addition to several Classic Television lists, you can find our Jack Irish essays at Keith Loves Movies - beginning with the original television movie trilogy:

Bad Debts

Black Tide

Dead Point

Stay tuned for even more written and video Jack Irish coverage this September as part of the Great Guy Pearce Career Re-Watch!

Guy Pearce Re-Watch: Even the Bads

 

Even the Bads from the Guy Pearce Career Re-watch, oh yes. 🙁

Those who follow my Twitter account @ThereforeReview know that I have spent these pandemic years perusing through a Guy Pearce Career Re-Watch. I retreated to this happy place because Pearce can always be depended upon to turn in a great performance in often exceptional films.

Some of these early pictures are simply just too problematic beyond Guy Pearce. However other recent movies are poor departures from what he does best – lacking and/or misusing his dramatic potential thanks to production flaws and weak dramatic choices. 

Please click through to previously written reviews and videos at I Think, Therefore I Review, InSession Film or with the Women InSession Podcast, and Keith Loves Movies for more in depth analysis along with these quick commentaries and countdowns.

Memory

Domino

Brand New World

Disturbing the Peace

Seeking Justice

Without Remorse – Overlong, terribly lit action, multiple murky water sequences, and messy, tough to see battles are only the beginning of the problems with this long-gestating, oft delayed 2021 Tom Clancy adaptation starring Michael B. Jordan (Black Panther). Assorted hand to hand combat, prison fights, and vehicular perils add rushed video game style CGI, loud effects, and poor dialogue mixing. It's easy to zone out during the increasingly unbelievable battles and boring, headache inducing shootouts because there's no idea who is who thanks to anonymous suits, random uniforms, and stilted conversations. Everyone's in each other's faces with hollow threats, and the drawn out set ups, uneven cover ups, and cliché vendettas are missing that nineties action thriller rhythm. Killer vignettes and random locales leave no time to care whether the convoluted global intrigue is a Russian or Syrian enemy, and the target audience will balk at the idea of an integrated high ranking female Navy Seal. Unfortunately, the obviously pregnant, miscast Jodie Turner-Smith (Nightflyers) struggles with the military vernacular, and Jamie Bell's (Jane Eyre) CIA agent apparently plays all sides as needed. Jordan is a capable action lead, but the patriotic and preachy story makes him the hero doing what every agency can't whilst also keeping him stupid to the international picture – even though it's no surprise Our Man Pearce's seemingly supportive politician is the villain using Kelly for ulterior means. The nonsensical plotting and noisy set pieces hinge on luck to survive every situation, and it's obvious this is all meant to tie in with Amazon's Jack Ryan series for future Rainbow Six crossovers.

Bedtime Stories – Sun kissed, scene chewing, kiss ass hotelier Guy Pearce could have been even more fun in this 2008 Adam Sandler (50 First Dates) romp. His over the top musical minute is excellent! However be it medieval pomp, Greco-Roman smug, or intergalactic villain, Pearce just doesn't get enough screentime to fully embrace each mustache twirling ham. Likewise, down on his luck handyman Sandler unevenly bounces between the real life family dilemmas, would-be romance, and increasingly preposterous titular fantasies. This picture simply doesn't know who its audience is – kids enjoying the pretend sequences thanks to a possibly magical, bug eyed guinea pig or adults looking for meaningful yet whimsical yarns the likes of Stranger Than Fiction. Lo though the farce and insults try and miss the mark on both. Sandler fans expecting his brand of adult raunchy will also find the tame humor here dull amid an unnecessary, racist cameo from Rob Schneider (The Hot Chick) and trite gags relying on snot and bee stings. The very capable ensemble, including Keri Russell (The Americans), Jonathan Pryce (Tomorrow Never Dies), and more familiar faces, takes a backseat to the misplaced silliness. Unfortunately, the worst part here is the unforgivable, criminally underutilized use of Xena herself Lucy Lawless. Lawless and Pearce as a diabolic dynamic duo, what kismet that could have been!

Hunting and My Forgotten Man – These two early Australian pictures from writer/director/producer Frank Howson (What the Moon Saw) are actually rightfully obscure. Although Guy Pearce sings a questionable song in an iffy music video coinciding with Hunting, his slick henchman has precious little spoken lines compared to mysterious businessman John Savage (The Deer Hunter) who has swept secretary Kerry Armstrong (SeaChange) from her dull marriage and into a dark world of drugs and violence. The candles, fear, and gothic mood would have made better sense had our tycoon been a vampire rather than a crime boss, and I could forgive the low budget cut corners and sex in a dirty abandoned factory montages if the story wasn't so aimless and poorly written. The exploitative, misogynistic abuse degrades into the ultimate assault and the victim's final revenge as if we're supposed to be glad the whole terrible experience forced her to take matters into her own hands. Likewise, the long-gestating and problematic Flynn / My Forgotten Man production probably should have stayed unreleased after all its filming delays, re-shoots, and cast changes. Nonsensical, poorly filmed, disjointed vignettes recount Pearce as the young Errol Flynn stealing, escaping cannibals, wooing ladies, and hustling men before conning his way into a play. The tone wavers between sincerity, humor, and embarrassment, and it's preposterous that anyone thought Flynn's unknown early years would make a more entertaining drama than the rest of his infamous life.

Quality Bonus!

Heaven Tonight – Washed up forty-year-old musician John Waters (Miss Fisher and the Crypt of Tears) competes with his talented, up with the new sound son Guy Pearce in this 1990 Frank Howson collaboration. The catchy eponymous tune anchors black and white reels chronicling the late sixties/early seventies global rise of The Chosen Ones before the band's eventual mismanagement, drugs, scandals, and downfall. It's the eighties but Johnny still thinks he has music left to make and intends to get a new record deal. His gold hit put a decent roof over his family's head and he isn't willing to mortgage that away to join his wife Rebecca Gilling (The Young Doctors) in a new restaurant venture. She loves her husband but has put up with breakdowns, arguments, and violence while their son Paul grows distant. Paul's band Video Rodney (LOL), however, has that electronic edge the labels are seeking. Johnny's not qualified to do anything or get a basic job, failing terribly at interviews and applications, and it's heartbreaking when the music execs call the house – to offer Paul the record deal, not Johnny. They say his songs are good, but Johnny balks at updating his tunes with a more hip element. Although the debuting Pearce's vocals are very fine and he has on stage charisma, ironically his synthesizer songs are the ones that now sound dated and not as good as Johnny's groovy. An aging musician father and the isolated son coming together or being torn apart by the music unfortunately loses steam once a visiting former band mate arrives. The BFF love turned rock bottom detours with robberies and tragic shootouts that seem like the second half of another picture. There are no criminal ramifications for the action shock finale, yet this drug induced desperation suddenly makes Johnny realize he can let his legacy lie? Now he's happy to let his son cover his tunes? Despite the flawed resolution and shoehorned in bleak competing with the family drama, overall this is the best of the Howson/Pearce films with pleasant ear worms and realistic, compelling performances. 

House of Dark Shadows Guest Podcast!

 

Our Dark Shadows reputation preceeds us as I was invited by Phillip to guest on the Making Tarantino Podcast to discuss Dan Curtis' 1970 adaptation House of Dark Shadows! 

New Episode OUT NOW!!! Listen to me and @vampfamwriter wax poetic about Dark Shadows tv series and mostly the 1970 movie, House of Dark Shadows. It’s a fun time. pic.twitter.com/YRvuLmecZq

— Making Tarantino: The Podcast (@MakingTarantino) August 9, 2024

For more, follow @MakingTarantino or read our previous House of Dark Shadows review and our How to Start Watching Dark Shadows TV feature at Keith Loves Movies. Thank you for listening! 

See and Hear more of our Guest Appearances:

Women InSession Podcast

The Convert Video Review

Bound Video Review

The Convert Video Review with Jay's Reviews

 

Once again I was pleased to visit The Jay Days Reviews to discuss the Maori historical drama The Convert with @jaylan_salah! 

You can see our previous Bound chat or visit Keith Loves Movies for more upcoming Jack Irish coverage. Thank you for watching! 

Visit Our Therefore Review Video Playlist for more Video Reviews and DVD Hauls! 

Jonathan Rhys Meyers Action & Sci-Fi

 

Jonathan Rhys Meyers Action and Sci-Fi

by Kristin Battestella

Perhaps understandably given his personal ups and downs or just by nest egg necessity, Jonathan Rhys Meyers has recently made numerous action B pictures and low budget science fiction thrillers. Here's a trio of the good, bad, and ugly.

Decent

The Good Neighbor – This 2022 hit and run remake of the German film from the original writer and director Stephan Rick maximizes its Latvian dialogue and Riga locations. American Luke Kleintank (The Man in the High Castle) accepts a new position at an international news agency complete with a house, car, and eponymous neighbor Jonathan Rhys Meyers (The Tudors). Our nurse is so positive compared to bad breakup being left behind, but the neon rave and short trip to hell drinks lead to jealousy and drunken joy rides that kill the girl who's just given them her phone number. The body on the windshield happens fast, they can't undo this murder and should just move on rather than let it ruin “us.” Our reporter struggles at the press conference, throwing up in the bathroom when the sister of the deceased asks questions. It's too late to come clean, and Nurse Johnny is chill with patients and investigators about their alibi. He ditches the car, plans a fishing trip, and the boys almost have a good time thanks to apologies and presents. They must protect each other; they can't rely on anyone else. The obsessive undertones and late deadlines mean bringing dinner to the office like a scorned woman, following the object of affection, spying through the window, and damaging his rental car. They are in this together, and romancing the sister of the woman you killed is dangerous. Johnny invites himself along on their dates – leading to chilling trapped underneath the kayak perils and hesitation in coming to the rescue. Nonchalant violence means some people go away and are never heard from again, but everything he's done has been for them, so how dare he be ungrateful and insist they aren't really friends just neighbors? Although characters ignore or give away information because the plot says so, the twisted slow burn escalates with well paced betrayals, threats, and revelations. We've seen this plot before and there's nothing new, however I miss this kind of simmering mid-tier film and this was better than expected.

Split

Wifelike – Commercials sell the titular high priced robots cooking dinner in lingerie, for widowers never have to be alone again in this muddled 2022 science fiction thriller. Unflinching agent Jonathan Rhys Meyers is trying to catch the ringleader of an AI rights organization protesting their company, and he recovers abducted androids from the so-called terrorists. His payment is a new edition of his late wife Meredith, but her stilted processing and childlike behavior, however, is very weird. She's uncomfortably younger than he is, like a doll, and walks with her butt out like the Rosie maid on The Jetsons. Their relationship is perhaps intentionally unsettling with obvious red flags, and intimacy commands saved for physical and emotional satisfaction are initiated immediately. Though lengthy, the romps are actually well done, but the cop cliché agent scenes are hammy with unnecessary humor when this should be a ninety minute cerebral piece about the companion mystery. The script is a first draft with trite dialogue and redundant wording, sometimes even in the same scene. Pointless self-exploration masturbation mode scenes and repeated moments with laughable techno crescendos heralding quirky characters telling Meredith to remember are superfluous. They inexplicable drop hints to the bigger AI conspiracy when they have a file with the details all along, and we should have seen all the recovery assignments before William received the new Meredith. Otherwise it's frustrating to break the suspicious build and household claustrophobic simmer for outside action. Reprogrammed fears that these controlled women will rise up against their male owners and sentient freedom debates take a backseat to other viewpoints. Overlong deprogramming and file/copy/paste nonsensical leads to a haunted house dream complete with a slutty skeleton costume and spooky mannequins. Silly exposition sort of explains how others can jack into the dangerous dreamscape where you can die for real – or kill someone – but William insists no one will find out how he's going to make everything perfect. A man can rewrite whatever he wants while the robot girls chat on the floor in their robes like its a sleepover. More resets in the final twenty minutes lose steam – confirming the predictable with try hard resistance speeches and twists upon twists thrown at the screen. The uneven focus on too many concepts wastes time with obvious cloak and dagger cryptic when we should have gotten to the warped, abusive love and never letting go SF obsession much sooner.

Skip

The Shadow Effect – Doctor Jonathan Rhys Meyers and Sheriff Michael Biehn (The Magnificent Seven) don't have enough to do in this messy 2017 thriller opening with rooftop stealth drawn out for the panoramic cool. Everything restarts with a rustic cabin, morning routine filler, and headaches. Music triggers and spasms using the kitchen knife begat flashes of the previous attack, but where the music is coming from and how our assassin can travel across the country to kill again all in one night make the audience question if there will be any in world logic. Our doctor provides smooth psychological rhetoric amid fake search engine news headlines, black vans, and subway perils, but the nothing burger action is tedious and small scale. Punching walls and screaming at his wife in bland arguments lead to some obligatory sex, and after four trigger episodes, it take half the movie before we get an inkling of the larger conspiracy. Driving to and fro padding transition scenes only lead to more inexplicable action as conveniences drive the repeat killer scenarios. One on one confrontations with the name stars debating the sciences versus the violence should have come much sooner – the puppeteers behind the Bloodshot resetting are where the actual story lies. Science fiction trite and Sons of Liberty code names are tossed in with twenty minutes left, and the right whither to and why for questions are never asked amid nonsensical shootouts, convoluted double talk, silly cliches, and derivative obvious. This is an overlong waste of the better cast and this type of story has been done better already.