Dark Shadows: The Vampire Curse

Dark Shadows: The Vampire Curse A Fast and Easy Delight

By Kristin Battestella

My husband has given me a few Dark Shadows sets as gifts.  However, it was my mother, a Barnabas Collins fan herself, who gave me Dark Shadows: The Vampire Curse last Christmas.  This exclusively Barnabas DVD is the perfect length for vampy fans looking for that sixties kitschy fix this October.

After an ill-fated fling with Barnabas Collins (Jonathan Frid) in Martinique, jealous and vengeful maid Angelique Bouchard (Lara Parker) plots to ruin the wedding of Barnabas and Josette Du Pres (Kathryn Leigh Scott).  Angelique, a witch and voodoo practitioner, makes Josette and Barnabas’ uncle Jeremiah (Anthony George) fall in love with each other and the spellbound couple eventually elopes. Patriarch Joshua Collins (Louis Edmunds) is powerless to stop his brother and son as they duel for Josette’s affection as Angelique blackmails Barnabas into matrimony via his little sister Sarah’s (Sharon Smyth) welfare and sets up time traveling governess Victoria Winters (Alexandra Moltke) for a witch trial.  Scorned once more by Barnabas’ continued love for Josette, the undaunted Angelique finally curses him to an eternal vampire torment.

Rather than jumping around in time with séances and flashbacks from the soap opera’s original 1960s establishment, The Vampire Curse opens with Dark Shadows’ 1795 storyline- which originally aired as a flashback departure in 1967 and 68.  This three-hour compilation focuses on the events leading up to how Barnabas Collins became a vampire, and it’s a fine introduction for the newly crowned vampire fan.  Some die-hard fans may not like this linear style or quick catch up approach- it is after all unusual for this series, which famously uses time travel and lengthy, historical sequences to rotate the cast and change storylines. However, instead of wading through hours and episodes worrying about all the other storylines- witchcraft, Frankenstein motifs, and that dreaded dream curse for example- The Vampire Curse offers everything you need to get your Barnabas fix.

Perhaps there are modern actors who can pull of the complex vampire motif ala the tormented Barnabas Collins, but Jonathan Frid (also Barnabas in the feature House of Dark Shadows) will always be one of the essentials, right up there with Bela Lugosi and Christopher Lee.  The Canadian actor-trained at both RADA and Yale- captures the upper class, Shakespearean, Old World vibes of a colonial aristocrat and blends the society charm wonderfully with reckless love and utter heartache.  Frid’s vamped out portrayal is over the top in the style of the time, yet his bloodlust restraint is subtle, latent, repressed.  The secrets, deception, and vampy hunger are kinky, twisted, and dynamite to watch. Goodness yes, Frid is one of the most notorious cast members when it comes to flubbing up his lines or needing a not so subtle glance at the cue cards.  However, his recovering stutters, cover up shifting, and sharp smile in a way help the Barnabas portrayal.  This vampire is always ready to burst for love or blood, isn’t he? Despite his slick frock, fancy cape, or smooth suit, Barnabas is always ready to pursue his love incarnate or grab a working girl on the Collingsport docks.

It’s called Dark Shadows: The Vampire Curse, but this story is just as much about the women in Barnabas’ life: the witchy, possessive Angelique and the innocent French lady Josette.  Jonathan Frid wouldn’t have had much to go on without the young and alluring Lara Parker (Save the Tiger, Race with the Devil).  Her meddling presence sets the entire twisted tale in motion.  The audience can’t deny she is damn sexy, but her affection comes at very deadly price.  Likewise, Katherine Leigh Scott’s (Dallas) Josette mirrors Angelique with innocent beauty.  Both are stunning and exotic; but Scott is the naïve, upscale antithesis to Parker’s jealous servant.  The love triangle is essential here and causes ripples for the entire series.  We want to see Barnabas with his beloved Josette-what’s not to love about her? However, we absolutely love and love to hate Angelique.  You don’t need glittery effects and outlandish tangents when you have meaty talent and emotional story like this. 

I dare say this set is even kinkier on the romance and innuendo than I remembered last. It’s been several years since I’ve seen this segment of the show, and Barnabas just crosses into too many affairs with the wrong women!  This colonial vampire storyline is actually both my parents’ favorite part of Dark Shadows, and the origins of the tormented Barnabas Collins catapulted the soap and the vampire himself into cult fame.  All that old glory is captured here- from the wonderful score by Robert Cobert (War and Remembrance) and the moody direction from Lela Swift (Ryan’s Hope) under show runner Dan Curtis (War and Remembrance, The Winds of War) to the tragic storyline and fine performances.   Though Dark Shadows regulars Thayer David as Ben Stokes and Grayson Hall as the Countess Natalie Du Pres are in great form, in this streamlined set, we don’t see them or the lovely Joan Bennett (We’re No Angels, Little Women) as much as I might have liked.  Alexandra Moltke and Louis Edmunds also have reduced time here, and the disjointed appearance by some of the cast hints that something (like the rest of the show!) is missing.  Several staple cast members including David Henesy and Nancy Barrett are absent entirely.  Anthony George and Sharon Smyth are also fairly wooden and leave a little something to be desired.  Nevertheless, it’s nice to see a stage like acting company have the freedom to hone the story at hand with only basic, even rudimentary effects.  

Yes, a surviving soap opera from 1967 isn’t without its faults.  There are significant camera imperfections against our trained HD eyes, bemusing appearances by microphones and sound booms, set mistakes, visible crewmen, and fumbled dialogue all here to the Dark Shadows fans’ delight.  Of course, we’ve seen better-stylized and modern interpretations of 18^th century America, but the colonial look here gets the mood across just fine.  There’s something so wonderfully simplistic about capes, ruffled gowns, and lots of smoke to set the atmosphere for the stage like gothic drama.  Some of the sound transfer is iffy but again understandable due to the technology of the time.  Again, the editing of The Vampire Curse also leaves something to be desired in a few spots. The DVD team is editing numerous episodes together and trying to pack what took months of television into a very short timeframe.  Some of the pace drags on, and occasionally it’s even tough to discern why the segment one is watching is significant until more puzzle pieces are presented.  We see Victoria Winters twice for goodness sake, and her time traveling to the past is how we got there in the first place! There are a few wonderful things missing when you have to cut out concurrent storylines, but the point of The Vampire Curse is to make folks check out the rest of the Dark Shadows DVDs, isn’t it? Thankfully, the crew got most of the presentation correct, and the juicy gist of Barnabas Collins is here quick and tasty.

 (A crewman in the mausoleum?^)

Dark Shadows: The Vampire Curse packs a lot into its 3 hour long episode, and there’s no chapter break choices or scene selection options.  The first half sets up the background, and a middle point before the last vampy hour would have been a nice place to break for two super sized episodes.  I’ll take an hour and half mini movie compared to the 22-minute episodes (or the 18-minute chopped up edition that used to run on the Sci Fi Channel). Only the concluding moments return the audience to the contemporary 1967 resurrection.  It’s a little ironic that we spend most of The Vampire Curse with a color origin story and then end in black and white when the Barnabas character was actually introduced on the show.  The black and white Episode 221 is included as a special feature as well.  It’s a nice treat for those who haven’t seen what an actual episode looks like, but I’m not really sure why this particular episode was chosen before others that continue The Vampire Curse’s tale. The short interview with star Jonathan Frid is also fun.  The usual promos for other Dark Shadows books and DVDs are here as well, but alas, we have no subtitles.  Understandable, obviously, but it might have been fun to see those dialogue mistakes in print onscreen!

Dark Shadows: The Vampire Curse can be loved by fans of the original series and newcomers alike.  Traditional fans may simply prefer the DVD sets; but for those who don’t have the time or money to invest in a 1,200 plus episode show, The Vampire Curse fits the bill for an October itch or viewing anytime of year.  Younger audiences or those who might laugh at the stock production of the time should give this set a chance as well.  This is as quick and cleaned up as Dark Shadows gets, and those Twilight folks can get educated on what a real vampire is meant to be like.  If Johnny Depp and Tim Burton ever get their feature film adaptation going (and I hope they get it right, not weird!), modern audiences will probably eat up this classic material.  Get a head start on the original gothic soap with Dark Shadows: The Vampire Curse.

Don't Bother to Knock

Don’t Bother to Knock One of Monroe’s Finest

By Kristin Battestella

We know all the big, colorful, sexy, sing along Marilyn Monroe films, but 1952’s Don’t Bother to Knock is a black and white suspense-fest filled with great performances and crazy melodrama.

Lounge singer Lyn Lesley (Anne Bancroft) has broken up with wayward pilot Jed Towers (Richard Widmark).  While she sings downstairs in the McKinley Hotel, Jed observes the young but flirty and standoffish Nell (Marilyn Monroe) across the courtyard from his room.  Nell’s uncle, Eddie the elevator operator (Elisha Cook Jr.) got the shy girl a babysitting job for the night.  While Ruth and Peter Jones (Lurene Tuttle and Jim Backus) attend a dinner conference downstairs in the hotel, Nell is supposed to be watching their daughter Bunny (Donna Corcoran).  However, Nell tries on Ruth’s negligee, allows Jed over for a drink, and puts her charge in serious jeopardy. 

Director Roy Baker (A Night to Remember, The Asylum) and Oscar winning screenwriter Daniel Taradash’s (From Here to Eternity) tale from Charlotte Armstrong’s novel is a little too short at under 80 minutes, but the real time suspense is swift and unfolds smartly.  If told today, this would be overlong and nastier, without any room for the speculation and innuendo that does so well here. The concurrent storylines cross, intertwine, and build until the audience is hooked into seeing how everything comes together.  The black and white photography is moody, and the old school music ties the scenes together as the tension escalates. Don’t Bother to Knock is also full of subtext and latent kinky, especially compared to the wholesome two beds and talk of marriage being the only route for a woman who lost her beau in World War II.  Everybody has a past here; and the issues of death, suicide, abuse, and institutions are done nicely despite the Hollywood Code and the usual blinders of the time. The nefarious suggestions and violence build satisfactorily, cumulating in a great finale and a tale well told.

Well, when one thinks homely, one doesn’t often think of Marilyn Monroe!  Instead of the usual glasses and dumb blonde routine later perfected in films like How to Marry A Millionaire, Monroe dresses frumpy, looks super young, and yes, she can act.  Her marshmellowy voice is usually sultry, but in Don’t Bother to Knock, her tone sounds young, even immature but somehow mischievous and not all there.  We expect her in the singing gal role, so her off-kilter manner throws us for the loop even more. Nell is even a little creepy over her firm insistence that she doesn’t eat candy- and its made all the weirder when we see her sneak a piece of chocolate and snoop in the Mrs.’ jewelry.  Monroe looks beautiful in black and white, especially since the platinum locks and red lips can’t dominate and take over her performance.  She seems more towards her natural hair coloring here, and the muted silver palette adds to Nell’s melancholy atmosphere.  Never without her sex appeal of course, there’s also something somewhat kinky about the way Don’t Bother to Knock plays on the jailbait and voyeuristic tones.  She can say ‘hello’ in an oh so tempting come hither tone, yet Nell can’t pronounce ‘liaison’.  Goodness me, I dare say Marilyn Monroe- the tragic and much beloved screen goddess- is downright scary in the way she mishandles her charge.  I don’t understand why Monroe wasn’t given more meaty, purely dramatic roles after this fine turn in Don’t Bother to Knock.

As usual, Richard Widmark (Kiss of Death, The Alamo) is on form with a chip on his shoulder and a look in his eye.  Despite seeing a lot of his films, I’m still not used to seeing him as the young and handsome lead. Again, the sniff of predatory kink is tossed around with the way Jed moves on from one girl to the next.  He’s a swarthy pilot who knows how to get liquored up and lay on the cynicism. Initially, he has no problem in taking advantage of the unstable Monroe, knowing there’s a kid in the adjoining room adds to the unsavory vibes as well.  However, as Don’t Bother to Knock progresses, the black and white of our players is not so easily distinguished. The tables are turned and we can’t wait to see how Jed handles both his women.  Let us not forget, this is Anne Bancroft’s (The Miracle Worker, The Graduate) debut!  Her singing Lyn is lovely, broods wonderfully, and who knew she could carry a damn fine tune?   Her good girl with short dark hair and nightclub style throws us another curve against Monroe’s blonde and wholesome appearance.  For such a short film, there’s plenty of talent here onscreen and off. 

Elisha Cook Jr. (The Maltese Falcon, House on Haunted Hill) adds to Don’t Bother to Knock’s support with a great balance between the nice, caring elevator operator and the perhaps creepy uncle.  Donna Corcoran (Million Dollar Mermaid) is also sassy as Bunny.  She’s a little annoying, and with some of the whining, Bunny’s age is a tough to figure.  She’s a little too old and smart to be so babied-although she is supposed to be looked after, isn’t she? Lurene Tuttle (Psycho, Julia) and Jim Backus (Rebel without a Cause, Mr. Magoo, Gilligan’s Island) are also the perfectly nostalgic yuppie parents.  They are upscale but a lot of fun, as is ‘peeping pansy’ Verna Felton (The Flintstones, Sleeping Beauty) as nosey hotel neighbor Mrs. Ballew.  Don Beddoe (Best Years of Our Lives) is also charming as the straight fodder to his Mrs.

A fifties fashionista and music connoisseur will also love the style of Don’t Bother to Knock.  Though black and white, the cuts of our ladies’ frocks are tight and tempting.  The men also look dynamite in their suits and fedoras.  Fans of frequent Monroe dresser Travilla can study the depths of costume without color here.  Swinging music fans will also delight in the hip jazz tunes and brooding ballads of the pre- rock and roll days. Perhaps not all modern audiences will like the old school scoring; but the music adds layers of emotion to the piece and most of the tunes are diegetic.  Look closely and you will see no televisions at this hotel! Built in radios in every room broadcast the hotel’s live music, uniting the sounds and the action- when was the last time you saw that for real, much less onscreen? Of course, we have the usual drinking and smoking of the time, as well as some colloquial dialogue that even threw me the classic film buff and wordsmith for a loop.  What on earth is a “cooch dancer”?  I get teased for using the word “ought” but “oughn’t”? The old speak, great tunes, and upscale hotel stylings make the perfect backdrop for Don’t Bother to Knock’s heady period drama.

Surprisingly, there are subtitles here on my netflix rental.  As usual, however, the features are just ho-hum trailers and promos for the Marilyn Monroe Diamond Collection set.  These small stills galleries and unfulfilling restoration slides just don’t cut it in this instant day and media age, even for older films where materials may be understandably rare.  How wonderful it would have been to have classic film scholars and Monroe experts giving commentary or panel discussions!  Though available at Amazon On Demand, I sincerely hope blu-ray restoration and proper featuring for Don’t Bother to Knock and the rest of Monroe’s films are coming soon already. Get with the program Fox! 

Not only will fans of Marilyn Monroe revel with Don’t Bother to Knock, but classic lovers and students of old school film technique will enjoy as well.  Modern audiences looking for an intelligent thriller should also try this one.  Return to the fifties with nail biting suspense and Don’t Bother to Knock.

Harvest Haunts to See and Skip

Harvest Haunts and More

By Kristin Battestella

Since it’s never too early to start watching spooky movies in the Halloween spirit, here’s a list of what to snuggle up with this autumn and what to avoid like cemeteries at midnight-unless you’re into that sort of thing, of course.

See

House of Usher (2006) - For a classic horror fan, little can compare to the 1960 Corman staple House of Usher.  New interest in all things Poe has however brought new remakes and takes on his macabre tales, and believe it or not, this 2006 The House of Usher wasn’t that bad. There are some good plot differences from director Hayley Cloake (Tease, Thump).   It’s creepy, yet sexy thanks to stars Izabella Miko (Coyote Ugly, Clash of the Titans) and Austin Nichols (One Tree Hill, Friday Night Lights). Beth Grant (Delta, Speed, Rock Star, Donnie Darko) as the scene stealing Nurse Thatcher also adds to the suggestion, eerie styles, and gothic feel. It’s modern and updated, yet old school and in the spirit of Poe.  Now it’s on to the fancy 3D adaptation!

Tales from the Crypt (1972) – This precursor to the anthology series has five star-studded vignettes, including a disturbing Christmas scene with Joan Collins (Dynasty) and Ian Hendry (The Avengers) in a dangerous adulterous getaway.  Peter Cushing (Star Wars, The Horror of Dracula), creepy crypt keeper Ralph Richardson (Time Bandits), Robin Hood Richard Greene, and Patrick Macgee (A Clockwork Orange) delight as well. Unlike today’s effects over-fest, director and Oscar winner Freddie Francis (Glory, The Elephant Man) keeps things largely silent, letting the creepy catacombs and twisted tales build up and progress on their mystery, suggestion, and scares. Yes there are a few jump worthy moments, and the dated seventies style only adds to the spooky atmosphere.  Perhaps there’s not a lot of rewatch value, but stick this one in amid your favorite Halloween anthology series for some old school scares. 

The Uninvited (1944) – Future Oscar winner Ray Milland (The Lost Weekend) and Nominee Ruth Hussey (The Philadelphia Story) delight in this quintessential black and white spookfest from director Lewis Allen (Bonanza, The Unseen).  Somehow, I feel this one is now unloved by the modern audience-especially in light of the also named but unrelated 2009 The Uninvited, itself a remake of a 2003 Asian horror flick.  No confusion here, however, thanks to the Oscar nominated cinematography.  The positive and negative use of candles, scary moaning, groaning sounds-the simple smoke and mirrors of early film production does wonders.  In addition to all the mood, atmosphere, and suspense, the young and tragic Gail Russell (Angel and the Badman) is as charming as Cornelia Otis Skinner (The Girl in the Red Velvet Swing) is creepy and subliminally kinky. Without thinking, I erased this one from my DVR; and since it’s not available on DVD, I’ve been kicking myself since. 

Wolf – Though this 1994 lycan tale from Oscar winning director Mike Nichols (The Graduate, Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf, Silkwood) is imperfect with its fair share of plot holes and unanswered questions, I like it.  Face it; this is the best, if not the only, mature wolf movie around.  Thanks to the sarcastic and witty performances by Jack Nicholson (One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest, Chinatown, The Shining) and the rest of the all-star cast, Wolf smartly doesn’t take itself too seriously.  The beguiling Michelle Pfeiffer (Scarface, The Fabulous Baker Boys), a wonderfully disturbing James Spader (sex, lives, and videotape, Boston Legal), the charming Christopher Plummer (The Sound of Music, The Moneychangers), and plenty more on form supporting players are allowed to have their fun.  These are all great, big names one wouldn’t usually see in any old horror movie, either.  There’s even a good bit of scares and kinky violence here-especially on an initial viewing.  Some of the effects are hokey now, but others are very well done with fine spooky build-ups.  Despite plotting faults and a little confusion, there’s more good than bad in Wolf.  Multiple viewings are even in order to catch all of the subliminal suggestions.

Split

The Amityville Horror (1979) – The horror, scares, and fright fest from director Stuart Rosenberg (Cool Hand Luke) are all still there, and I love it.  Even the old looks and seventies styles aren’t so dated, just more nostalgic and period now.  However, it seems like out of all the other numerous sequels and direct to video drivel that follows, this original starring the fine Margot Kidder (Superman) and eerily on form James Brolin (Westworld) is too close to the real life circumstances that started the franchise.  Was this independent blockbuster made purely to capitalize on the scandalous book that was in turn highlighting the sketchy true story that started it all? Separate the supposed paranormal facts or hoax talk from the behind the scenes, and then you can enjoy this fine demonic haunted house in all its glory.  Likewise, we favorably reviewed the 2005 remake.  Again, take away the talk of Indian burial grounds and just scare us silly and we’re a okay. 

Haunted – Aidan Quinn (Legends of the Fall) and Kate Beckinsale (Underworld) shine in director Lewis Gilbert’s (The Spy Who Loved Me) great English locales and post World War I period piece decoration and styles.  There are plenty of fine but disturbing performances from Anthony Andrews (The Scarlet Pimpernel) and Sir John Gieland (Becket), too. Haunted has its share of creepy and kinky- both good and bad by design, nasty stuff.  Beckinsale fans will love to hate spotting her nude body double, too.  There are even a few genuine spooks and scares and though obvious throughout, the film is entertaining for the most part.  However, there simply aren’t enough scares for what’s supposed to be a good old haunted house ghost story.  There’s no mood and things are not as atmospheric as they should be.  Despite the lovely cast and wonderful locations, it’s as though we’ve seen this all before- namely in The Others.

Rogue -   This 2007 crocodile thriller has a great premise and fine acting from Radha Mitchell (Pitch Black) and Michael Vartan (Alias). Sam Worthington (Avatar) fans (of which I am not) will enjoy seeing his jerky performance, too. Writer and director Greg McLean (Wolf Creek) adds a tight, contained, ticking clock to the lush, exotic, and foreign cinematography.  The audience is hooked as things turn dark and dangerous- the issues among the stranded and perilous ship‘s crew build as our crocodile gets his chance in the spotlight. Its man against himself, man against nature, and man against man all in one- the tide is rising and time is running out!  And then….well, the silly and stupefied ending here kind of undoes all the goodness.  The viewer is asked to suspend belief one too many times for too preposterous an outcome.  Is the overall goodness worth the ill-conceived conclusion or does the finale undo all?

Skip

The Descent – Okay, so I don’t really know who the girls in this 2005 spelunking adventure are- but they are not the problem.  A stereotypical yet somehow refreshing group, yes, but the individualism and back-stories are acceptable enough. I suspect there’s plenty of ogle and subtext value for interested audiences, too.  The caves are also creepy and this is a dangerous sport after all- so why did director Neil Marshall (Dog Soldiers) have to resort to glowing cave mutants?  There’s enough internal strife and issues to mix in with the peril of falling rocks, being trapped or injured, and all that unknown caving.  Let our gals go bad and have their own hysteria do them in; we could still have a serious horror movie without rock people. Most of this film gets it right, but the deus ex machina of the creepy crawlies and open ending for the sequel tire the positive strides.   

Hide and Seek - Even Robert DeNiro (Casino) and Dakota Fanning’s (Man on Fire) battle of wits can’t save this familial thriller. Toss in Famke Janssen (X-Men) and Elisabeth Shue (Leaving Las Vegas) and we’ve still got the same old, same old suggestive psychological thriller. It’s tragic wasting such a fine cast on this supposedly scary evil imaginary friend but there’s a twist yadda yadda story. They couldn’t even decide on an ending here- there are count ‘em five on the DVD!

Teen Witch

I Just Love Teen Witch!

By Kristin Battestella

I can’t help myself- I think I have the 1989 family friendly spookfest Teen Witch memorized.  Though seriously dated and trapped in the eighties time warp, there’s still plenty of enchanting fun here for young and old.

Soon to be sixteen, frumpy teen Louise Miller (Robyn Lively) doesn’t fit in with the popular crowd at school.  Her parents (Caren Kaye and Dick Sargent) are clueless, little brother Richie (Joshua Miller) is an annoying slob, and her big crush Brad (Dan Gauthier) doesn’t know she exists.  After a bicycle accident, however, Louise encounters Madame Serena (Zelda Rubenstein) and learns her true calling as a reincarnated witch.  With Serena’s help, Louise realizes her newfound powers and casts spells to be the most beautiful and popular girl in school-but will there be consequences to these magical ways?

As if we haven’t seen the fantastical teen powers metaphor before, Teen Witch is for girls what Teen Wolf is for boys.  We begin with a bad music video dream sequence and it only gets more eighties bad greatness from there!  Director Dorian Walker (Making the Grade) keeps the comedy relatively innocent by today’s standards and Robin Menken (Young Lust) and Vernon Zimmerman’s (The Unholy Rollers) story is a fun, if typical plot.  The relatable scenarios and likeable cast create multiple layers of charm and wit with the sassy script.  Innocence and eighties stylings may hamper our fast paced, technological and violent or profane sensibilities, but this simplicity and youth also make Teen Witch’s memorable scenes all the more fun. 

Despite recognizing her in plenty of other shows, Robyn Lively (Savannah, Chicago Hope, Twin Peaks) will always be known as the girl from Teen Witch, I don’t care what you say.  Her fun charm and comedic delivery establishes the heart of the film perfectly. Dan Gauthier also always recalls ‘Hey, the guy from Teen Witch!’ every time I see his guest appearance on Star Trek: The Next Generation.  It’s not easy to be the popular guy without being a jerk. These characters are fun and likeable, and the romance is reasonable despite the supporting eighties saxophone.   Lively is naturally lovely, and Gauthier has just enough of that eighties handsome to keep everyone looking pretty; but Amanda Ingber (Cheers) as Louise’s unhip best friend Polly is also a lot of fun.  She keeps it real when all Louise’s spells get out of hand.  I could however, do without her ‘Top That’ rap.  Oiy!

Maybe we are just really silly, but my sister and I can quote Joshua Miller’s (The Mao Game, Near Dark) Richie in casual conversation.  His pudgy and youthful appearance mixed with a sardonic, acerbic delivery and love of messy foods creates the perfect evil little brother on whom to cast spells. Of course, we can’t help but love the late Zelda Rubinstein (Poltergeist, Sixteen Candles) and her adorable Madame Serena.  She uses the young witch for her own gains, but she’s just too dang cute for it to be an issue.  Casting spells to make twenties and turn frogs into handsome men, we can forgive her those!  The rest of the teens, however, all look 30 and have some strange names- Randa and Kikki, anyone?  Lisa Fuller (Freshman Dorm) is the usual buxom blonde, and Megan Gallivan (Married People) and Tina Caspary (Can’t Buy Me Love) round out the bitchy eighties trio in proper fashion.   

Sadly, Caren Kaye (It’s Your Move, The Betty White Show) and Dick Sargent as Louise’s parents Margaret and Frank don’t have a whole lot to do-or rather as much as I might have liked.  Nevertheless, they are a cute, yuppie, and oblivious couple who make the most of their scenes.  I mean, it’s the second Darrin from Bewitched!  Shelley Berman (Curb Your Enthusiasm, Boston Legal) is juicy and love to hate worthy as Mr. Weaver, and his nasty style and ruthlessness towards Louise is made all the more fun when he gets his hysterical comeuppance thanks to a voodoo doll.  Marcia Wallace (The Simpsons, The Bob Newhart Show) is also a delight as the flighty theatre teacher Ms. Malloy

Unfortunately, the music wasn’t super then; and to some, perhaps it’s worse now-although that makes the guilty pleasure of Teen Witch all the better, too.  ‘Never Gonna Be’ and ‘Finest Hour’ are still eighties catchy, yeah, but the hit here is ‘Popular Girl’. Maybe I’ve just heard these songs so many times that I’m used to the sound by now. I know some of the dance routines, too-that’s all I’m saying.  The early rap and beat box songs are, however, so sad. Maybe the super dated and niche styles of Teen Witch are an acquired taste to those who didn’t see it back in the day, but the nostalgia and time capsule here is still a lot of fun.  Do you need a big dance-off finale or musical montage or two? Teen Witch has ‘em!

Oh me oh my, even what’s supposed to be the hip look in Teen Witch is woefully eighties: the fluorescent colors, ruffles, layers of skirts with leggings, hideous patterns everywhere, too much denim with lots of glitter and rhinestones, and double slouchy socks with high heels!  Goodness me, the styles look way too old for high schoolers, and the frumpy look for Louise looks like the grandma section of the old Sears catalog. What was deemed sleazy onscreen is beyond tame to us now- a full coverage sweater and a skirt to the knees! What ever happened to that kind of modesty? And why do they all wear purple bodysuits for gym? The hair is just as bad, too.  Again, the feathered, over-sprayed high bangs of the popular girls no longer looks pretty.  Louise’s seemingly plain, wavy, and pulled back hair is actually more becoming than the styled tresses that come with her magical transformation.  This is why I don’t like to see too much popular fashion in recent films.  You know modern styles are going to seem just as hokey in a few years’ time. Even the sets, couches, and sports cars suffer here in Teen Witch. Just check out that wallpaper!

For being so dated, Teen Witch still has plenty of rewatchablity.  Unfortunately, the bare bones DVD is dang tough to find.  It took forever to come from Netflix, but cable airings are often found around Halloween.  There is one funny sex education scene dealing with condoms and a make out scene that looks like an old Obsession commercial that might make parents feel iffy, but otherwise Teen Witch sticks to its PG rating.  Magical girls will especially enjoy, but any family audience can spend the night with Teen Witch. I can’t believe there’s remake talk of this one when a proper video edition isn’t even readily available.  Yes, it’s horribly of its time, but Teen Witch still has a lot of charm to give the witchy folks of today’s generation.  Take in a virgin viewing or revisit the eighties with Teen Witch ASAP. 

Kinky Films Good and Bad

Kinky Pictures to Please and a Turn Off or Two

A List by Leigh Wood

I don’t think it would do much good if I made a list of the horrendous soft-core drivel flooding late night premium channels. (Thanks for nothing Cinemax!) I also don’t normally write these short recommendations-but when talking ‘porn with plot’ or ‘plot with porn’, there’s no need for long-winded hyperbole, is there?

Good Stuff

Basic Instinct – Forgot all the infamy of Sharon Stone’s split second bush flash- if you’re looking for a damn fine thriller and plenty of skin, you can’t get much better than this 1992 murder mystery. There’s something for everyone here- rightly or wrongly director Paul Verhoeven (Starship Troopers, Total Recall) gives us killer lesbians, Michael Douglas’ ass, and plenty of explicit sex romps that go the distance. Douglas (Wall Street, Fatal Attraction) and Stone (Casino yes, but we won’t talk about Basic Instinct 2) play a wonderfully kinky game of cat and mouse that has your brain thinking about the crime at hand right up to the final sex scene.

The End of the Affair (1999) – Ralph Fiennes’ other movie The English Patient may get all the attention, but this World War II gem co-starring Julianne Moore (The Hours, Boogie Nights) has more steam, story, and spirituality then that pompous desert flick. (Insert Seinfeld’s ‘Just die already! Die!’ here). The titular affair from director Neil Jordan (Interview with the Vampire) and author Graham Greene is much more realistic and intimate, and the fallout of the sex amid the Blitz is dealt with just as smartly. Fiennes is on form as a cranky writer caught on the absolutely lovely and conflicted Moore- and her wise husband Stephen Rea (The Crying Game with Jordan) is also perfection. Back to the precious Patient- ‘I can still taste you’, who the heck says that, honestly!

Semi Selective

Boxing Helena – I absolutely adore this bizarre 1993 erotic debut from Jennifer Lynch, but understandably others may not. Julian Sands (Warlock, A Room with a View) and Sherilyn Fenn (Twin Peaks, Rude Awakening) are delightfully disturbed in this twisted examination of obsession, sex, and a whole bunch of other psychological angst. Those who are familiar with this film probably know its big secrets; but if not, I can’t really say anymore than the title. Lynch and her intimate cast play with our minds, desires, and perceptions to wonderful intelligence and sexy stupidity. Magical!

The Blue Lagoon – If you aren’t a teenager and you’re still watching this 1980 tropical yarn purely for the budding Brooke Shields (Suddenly Susan) and ripped Christopher Atkins (Dallas), you are a sick, sick puppy. When we were younger, this was the type of heavy and forbidden film we snuck a peak to see. Today, of course, the nudity and sex is actually tame- but the story isn’t as insignificant as it once was. Yes, a lot of the film is laughable thanks to its opening Victorian establishment flashing forward to beautiful and beachy eighties teens. Overall, the acting stinks and can even put you to sleep. Director Randal Kleiser’s (Honey, I Blew Up the Kid) adaptation of author Henry De Vere Stacpoole’s novel, however, is an honest examination of innocent, society free love. This frank look at the bloom of sexuality is actually refreshing- but the sequel Return to the Blue Lagoon isn’t.

Showgirls – I’ve tried to watch this one all the way through countless times, and I think I’ve finally seen this entire 1995 stripper romp over a dozen snippets. Has a film every been so polarizing? Director Paul Verhoeven’s (yes him again) NC-17 raunchfest single handedly ruined former good girl Elizabeth Berkeley (Saved by the Bell) and the NC-17 classification. Yet, this and roles in Bound elevated Gina Gershon to kinky cult status. I’m not one for all the naked glowing girls, lesbian innuendo, and rape and revenge; yet Showgirls goes where other films dare not and thus has to be attempted for a fun girls’ sleeper or a guys’ poker night. In hindsight, Showgirls may be more ground breaking than bomb. Some serious filmgoers will always despise this one- but there’s an audience for such trashy guilty pleasures, too.

Bad Ass Bad

Body of Evidence – At the time, fans might have thought Madonna’s kinky phase was artistic freedom, pushing the censorship envelope, expressing herself and all that. Unfortunately, looking back at this 1993 sexfest proves how far Truth or Dare took trashy. As always, Willem Dafoe (Platoon) is a-okay as the lawyer defending death by sex murderer Madonna (Dick Tracy, Evita), and the courtroom scenes are as intelligent as the usual law dramas, too. The sex storyline, however, is much too much-and Madonna doesn’t even look that good. She’s young and rounded, sure that’s fine, but the clothes are ugly-complete with matching satin granny panties. The bright lighting of her face just comes off as bad set design, and my goodness the sex scenes here don’t look unsimulated at all! It only makes viewing this movie even weirder. TMI and two hours of my life I’d like to have back.

Embrace of the Vampire – Alyssa Milano (Who’s the Boss, Charmed) kisses women and shows her boobs. If you like that sort of thing, find the clips online and don’t bother with the rest of this 1995 snoozer. If you like vampires, don’t bother with the one in the title here-director Anne Goursaud (Poison Ivy II) didn’t. Allow me another Seinfeld quote then, ‘The story is the foundation of all entertainment. You must have a good story, otherwise it's just masturbation.’

Bus Stop (1956)

Bus Stop is a Lovely, Quirky Character Piece

By Kristin Battestella

Though its one of her more critically acclaimed films, 1956’s Bus Stop doesn’t have all the musical flare and comedy marshmallow of Marilyn Monroe’s more famous movies. This brooding examination of flawed ruffians and singers isn’t happy go lucky by any means, but it deserves another look thanks to tight performances and vintage charm.

Strong but naïve Bo Decker (Don Murray) and his old ranch hand Virgil (Arthur O’Connell) take a bus trip from Montana to the big city of Phoenix for a rodeo where Bo is sure he will win every event.  Bo also hopes to find an ‘angel’ to marry, but he is very inexperienced with women and city customs.  After seeing Cherie (Marilyn Monroe) perform in a club, Bo is quickly smitten and promptly expects to marry Cherie and take her back to Montana.  Cherie, however, has had bad luck with men in the past, and she’s trying to drop her hillbilly roots for Hollywood. Fellow singer Vera (Eileen Heckart) tries to help Cherie escape Bo, but he kidnaps his reluctant fiancée, forcing her onto the bus towards Montana.  When a snowstorm forces bus driver Carl (Robert Bray) to stop over at Grace’s Diner, Grace (Betty Field), fellow passenger Elma (Hope Lang), and old Virgil must confront Bo about his abhorrent behavior.

Let me get some negative out of the way first. Director Joshua Logan (South Pacific, Camelot) and screenwriter George Axelrod (Breakfast at Tiffany’s, The Manchurian Candidate) don’t take William Inge’s (Splendor in the Grass, Picnic) source plays as far as I might have liked. Bus Stop doesn’t go to the seriously dark and scary places with which a modern film tends to over desensitizes us.  Even for a film of 1956, we expect more when we hear of brutes taking dames against their will.  The use of the word ‘molest’ might also be odd to modern audiences- again we expect something kinky instead of the traditional meaning of merely bothering someone.  The dramatic commentary about men learning to be men and women expected to marry and stay at home is also thanks to the dynamics of the day. The conclusion here is also a little weak, but Bus Stop still packs a psychological punch and satisfying end. Despite some fifties tameness, there’s plenty of hurt for the cast to dip into and examine. This is after all, a character study.  Who knew so much angst could happen at a bus station?

The abused hillbilly girl trying to forget her past-who would have thought this is a part for the glamorous Marilyn Monroe.  Cherie is similar to our Norma Jean in a many ways. She’s somehow innocently steamy but a little tragic at the same time. For someone who wants to be a singer and star, Cherie doesn’t like to be laughed at in public and doesn’t want the kind of attention she’s getting.  Marilyn only has one song in Bus Stop, but it’s a damn good one. Yes, her Southern accent is a bit off.  However, Monroe keeps in character and puts on a seemingly less that perfect rendition of ‘That Old Black Magic’- and it works more than some of her more famous and carefully conducted big show tune numbers.  She’s close to weeping in the off-key performance but the entire Cherie introductory sequence is just great.  Cherie is actually kind of stupid, but her idealistic Hollywood dreams keep her likeable.  Monroe (Gentleman Prefer Blondes, Some Like It Hot) is thinner than usual in Bus Stop, and her gaunt, pale look fits the part of an overworked nightclub girl.  We’re used to seeing all the singing and smiles, but Cherie’s stuttering fear of Bo and the shame he makes her feel are wonderfully done. Monroe keeps Cherie angelic and charming despite her seemingly unflattering background. How can the viewer fault such a pretty girl with dreams and desires of real love?  “Now gimme back my tail!”

Some of the fifties colloquialisms in Bus Stop are a little too Howdy Doody and almost redneck, but this helps Bo’s early innocence and dorky style.  His notions that a woman can be broken as easily as an ornery horse or rowdy steer is naive enough to start, but Don Murray’s (Advise and Consent, Knots Landing) debut mix of immature cowboy stupid and unchecked brute ruffian is just bursting to go the wrong way.  Murray’s combination of ill and wrongful obsession with careful orchestration is loud and over the top yet slick and repressed at the same time.  In some ways, his stupidity and Cherie’s wide-eyed innocence are perfectly matched-what a cute, simple hick couple! However, her insistence on ‘Cherie’ being special because it’s French and his insistence it’s just dumb ‘Cherry’ show how ill-advised this pair can be.  We know long before he literally ropes her onto the bus that, as Bo says, ‘he won’t take no for an answer’. His necessary comeuppance is both great to see and somewhat sad at the same time.  Bus Stop is a lesson learned the hard way indeed.

In addition to the stars, Bus Stop has plenty of ensemble talent.  Betty Field (The Great Gatsby, Peyton Place) and Robert Bray (Lassie) are a lot of fun as the sassy diner owner and tough bus driver.  Some of their banter is a little fifties hokey, but there’s also some fun and cheeky innuendo, too.  The underlying if brief triangle between them and Arthur O’Connell’s (Anatomy of a Murder) Virgil is a charming old-fashioned courtship.  O’Connell wonderfully balances Murray’s rowdy Bo and keeps him in his place.   Oscar winner Elieen Heckart (Butterflies are Free) is also delightful as tough waitress Vera.  Her stern help and young Hope Lange’s (The Ghost and Mrs. Muir, The New Dick Van Dyke Show, and the real life future Mrs. Murray!) warm Elma smartly lift up Cherie with support and confidence. This ensemble doesn’t have as much to do as the audience expects, but each has his or her moment to shine whilst keeping in the proper supporting shadow of the leads. 

Contrary again to other Monroe pictures, Bus Stop isn’t big on costumes and spectacles.  Although Monroe wears a very small green costume for her one song, she only has that and one other simple set for the entire film. Sure, we can’t help but notice Marilyn, but the smart lack of shiny costumes also forces us to look at her character, too. The colored lighting of the nightclub and its seemingly high-end style contrasts against the rough west wonderfully as well; and the Rodeo scenes look authentic enough.  It doesn’t seem like all stunties, but as if a real rodeo was filmed.  Now the snow probably is fake, of course, but the wintry fight scene is well choreographed and keeps the stark look of Bus Stop harsh.  Congested interior filming and frames filmed through metal headboard bars also perfectly capture the entrapment that is to come.  The camera movement keeps the conversations from being static, and the lovely use of diegetic guitar music adds soft background tunes.   Logan also smartly positions his camera for odd, forceful positioning of the lead pair.  Murray is always behind Monroe or being the physical one dominating the frame, adding another visual layer to the relationship at Bus Stop’s forefront. 

Blessedly, Bus Stop is available in several DVD editions and sets.  My rented netflix disc came from the Marilyn Monroe Diamond collection and had subtitles along with several other features-although it was mostly trailers and promos for the complete set, which promises all the documentaries.  Reading the slides about the restoration and preservation of Bus Stop was interesting enough for someone like me-a fan of classic film preservation- but I’d rather there was a technical feature to go along with the snips of split screen comparisons and before and after shots.  The disc did skip a few times, but that’s understandable with a rental-and it wasn’t nearly as sensitive as blu-ray. Strangely, it doesn’t seem like any Monroe pictures are on blu-ray.  Sacrilege!

I confess some of the country music might jar on certain ears, but that’s no reason to dismiss Bus Stop. Fans of Monroe’s song and dance films might also find the then-contemporary western and serious style too much of a departure.  However, viewers looking for more of Marilyn’s merit will find it here.  Western fans, classic audiences, and nostalgia fans should also give Bus Stop a chance anew.  This quirky little Bus Stop might surprise you!

Sharpe's Trafalgar

Sharpe’s Trafalgar a Seafaring Breath of Fresh Air

By Kristin Battestella

After reading Bernard Cornwell’s Sharpe India Trilogy, I was keen to move on to the next chronological tale, 2000’s Sharpe’s Trafalgar.  As a Hornblower enthusiast, I wanted to see how landlubber Sharpe would take on this famous high seas adventure.  There are a few hiccups, yes, but otherwise Trafalgar does its duty to the reader wonderfully.

It’s 1805 and Ensign Richard Sharpe is finally leaving India on his return voyage to England.  His passage begins on the Calliope under Captain Peculiar Cromwell, but the unfriendly Captain and the snotty Lord William Hale make the trip unbearable for Sharpe.  Thankfully, Sharpe’s quickly smitten by Lord William’s cold, seemingly sickly and distant wife Lady Grace.  When the French warship Revenant captures Calliope, all hope of Romance and England is almost lost.  Fortunately, Captain Chase and his Pucelle reclaim the Calliope, and the Pucelle’s vengeful pursuit of the Revenant opens new adventures for Sharpe.  He learns what its like to be a ship bound marine, flirts dangerously in romance with Lady Grace, and ends up fighting in a little battle off Cape Trafalgar. 

Recently, I don’t have as much time to read straight through a book as I’d like.  However, my father was in the hospital when I first started Trafalgar, and my days having to be still and quiet in his room allowed me plenty of time with Sharpe.  I tore through most of the novel- as opposed to some of the weaker  recent books like Sharpe’s Fury where I found myself skipping around looking for the good parts.  Thanks to the storyline and my bound reading situation, Trafalgar reminded me very much of one of my favorite and most read books, Lieutenant Hornblower. I remembered the first time I read Lieutenant Hornblower- stuck in detention at school, trying desperately not to fall asleep as I read Hornblower’s wild Caribbean adventure under a mad and crazy Captain Sawyer and his subsequent ill adjustment to land life playing whist. (I could talk for hours about Lieutenant Hornblower, so I’ll just stop there!  I actually have a cat named Mr. Bush, that’s all I’m saying.) 

The different ship experiences in Trafalgar-both positive and negative for Sharpe- capture the creepy, tedium, monotony, and cramped living of seafaring life whilst also highlighting the high seas mystique, homebound excitement, and adventure of the unknown.  We are learning so much about Richard by seeing him as the proverbial army fish living the navy lifestyle.  For the first time since beginning my readings with Sharpe’s Gold, I feel like we’ve been personally with Sharpe, knowing his yearning, plans, and desires.  Even in the India trilogy where he was alone without Harper and the rest of his rifleman pals, we still had too many viewpoints and villains to really get to know the budding Sharpie.  Here in Trafalgar, however, we spend most of the novel with nothing to do but follow Sharpe.  I felt his impatient tedium and angry vengeance right there in that hospital room.  I was there pursuing the Revenant with Sharpe and learning the ropes of the Pucelle.  This is what a book is supposed to do, and it’s downright refreshing!

Lady Grace is also a cool dame-chronologically the first real relationship we’ve seen for Richard.  There have been other sexcapades and relations based on the situations of the time in India, but this feels like a real romance for Sharpe at last.  First, he is obsessed with the aristocratic lady on board, and his cabin fever-like risks make for great reading. It’s not a lovely dovey romance here- the delicate stance the couple treads is mixed with the usual heavy we expect from Sharpe. When he gets his girl, we then see the confident, intelligent Grace emerge through Sharpe.  Grace and the relationship are well developed-even if it’s a foolhardy affair.  She’s witty and charming compared to her limp fish husband Lord William, but we can’t deny the hot scandal putting the entire Pucelle at risk.  I dare say Sharpe is even a little unlikeable when it comes to protecting his adulterous actions.  He’s a throttling, vengeful force that should be feared-and it’s strange to see that his battlefield fury can also be used socially, even lustfully if he feels so passionately.

Of course, now that we’re at sea, we have the usual cast of characters onboard ship- swarthy sailors, corrupt politicians, scary surgeons, and vile Frenchmen. It’s not always easy to tell where everyone’s allegiances lie- and this makes Sharpe’s lengthy journey perilous and entertaining. Captain Chase is a wonderfully good hearted man who takes a liking to Sharpe, but Captain Peculiar Cromwell is just that, a little too peculiar to be an honest man.  Brawny gunner Cloutier is a little stereotypical, but also well written as the seemingly low but loyal and heroic brute with exceptional and deadly skill.   The dedication Sharpe takes in him is almost as confounding to Cloutier as Chase’s attention to the supposedly low Sharpe.  On a ship, it seems action oriented talent like Sharpe’s is rewarded amid the ship’s hierarchy- rather than shunned or snubbed by the army officers who resent his rise from the ranks.

Naturally, there wouldn’t be a point in calling a book Trafalgar if you weren’t going to have Admiral Nelson make an appearance.  It’s a neat portrayal.  The reverence Nelson had from his peers is instantly made known-along with his more scandalous behaviors-but his small stature, gentile and warm-hearted style touch Sharpe.  It’s not treated as obligatory or hokey when the famous ‘England confides that every man will do his duty’ signal comes to the fictional Pucelle.  Again, it’s all very Hornblower-esque, somber and written in multiple layers.  Instead of spelling everything out for his reader like Cornwell sometimes does with his research and information, the scenes with Nelson are quiet, reflective, and tightly written.  Space for the reader to reflect and emote is allowed amid the unspoken lines.  Not only is the setting akin to the Hornblower series, but some of Cornwell’s finer writing here is almost as good as C.S. Forester’s work.

Unfortunately, yet again the ending of Sharpe’s Trafalgar doesn’t live up to the lovely adventure of the rest of the novel.  We spend the first eleven chapters almost exclusively in Sharpe’s point of view-only to have the last chapter of battle action break down into nameless French viewpoints, stern to starboard action, and intrigue in the Pucelle’s lady hole.  I like the seafaring battle action-perhaps even more so than the Napoleonic proper retellings- but it’s just a little too broad and impersonal after all that intimate Richard time. Sharpe, the Pucelle, and Revenant weren’t even at the Battle of Trafalgar after all; yet like so many other big battle sequences in recent Sharpe books, I had to ask myself again, ‘Where’s Sharpe?’  How can we spend an entire naval voyage from India to Trafalgar in his point of view only to have him disappear for extended chunks of the main battle? We know how Captain Chase feels, what the nameless wounded French guy bleeding out on the deck is thinking, we see what ships on the other side of the battle theater are doing-but we don’t always know where Sharpe is in the action.  For all the historical research, we’re dealing with fictional men on fiction ships- stick to them! Trafalgar wraps up much too quickly-with the simplicity of tossing the loose plot strings overboard, literally.  Naturally, a few things should be left for the follow up Sharpe’s Prey, but the whole point of this homeward bound journey was to go home, wasn’t it? If the point was the deviation for Trafalgar, the battle should have happened a lot sooner than the last two chapters. 

Despite the unraveled ending, Trafalgar is one of the more tightly written books in the series, and one of the finest since the original canon books.  I imagine those who prefer the Peninsular Sharpe action might not like the naval lessons here, but fans of the initial Sharpe books should definitely try this similar but different taste of naval action.  Readers of Hornblower or Patrick O’Brien will absolutely delight.  In some ways, I can image an entire series with Sharpe as an army man stranded on a frigate always facing adventure.  I suppose that may show my true leanings towards Our Man Horatio, but this is the first time we’ve really seen Sharpe alone and out of his element- just like Hornblower always thought himself to be.  Oh how I’d love to see a crossover movie between these series! Though I don’t have the next chronological book Sharpe’s Prey, I’m eager to continue reading on with Sharpe’s Rifles.  Despite being in the middle of the chronology, uninitiated viewers can meet Sharpe in this relatively stand-alone sea epic as well.  Return to Sharpe and relive Trafalgar as your final beach read this summer.