Tales
from the Crypt Peaks with Season 6
by
Kristin Battestella
The
fifteen episode 1994-95 Sixth and penultimate season of Tales
from the Crypt peaks
with another year of saucy satire and bizarre plots inspired
by Vault of Horror, Tales
from the Crypt, ShockSuspense Stories, Crime Suspense Stories, and
Haunt of Fear.
CKNN
news anchor The Crypt Keeper reports on a mummy taking the rap after
years in denial before opening the season with the comeuppance
of “Let the Punishment Fit the Crime.” Big city lawyer Catherine
O'Hara (Beetlejuice)
is stuck with bow tie wearing public defender Peter MacNichol
(Dracula: Dead and Loving It) for a simple vehicle
violation – her “Sue Me” license plate – in a very strict
backwater burg proud of its local executions and town square
hangings. Unfortunately, contesting her original penance of ten
lashes leads to stocks and gory dungeon apparitions of her previous
lawsuit victims. Director Russell Mulcahy's (Highlander)
askew camera angles and distorted courtroom proportions visually
accent the injustice, appeals, increasingly ominous judges, and
electric chair twists before the neon Halloween decadence of “Only
Skin Deep.” Unwelcome guests and abusive threats dampen the rad
party, but “Molly” is ready to take the sexy bizarre home to her
barren warehouse loft – so long as they keep on their masks. No
last names or details will interfere with the lingerie and saucy
action on the red couch. Her body bag costume mirrors our synthetic
shells with a person inside, and tonight some rough in the flesh
anonymity will set all the pain free thanks to that no questions
asked policy, blood, bugs, and a power tool or two. The Crypt Keeper
is doing a makeover with red slaytex paint in “Whirlpool,” but
angry editor Richard Lewis (Robin
Hood: Men in Tights) isn't
happy with the latest nudity, violence, and seedy turnabouts as the
team argues over the black and white storyboards in the Tales
from the Crypt writers
room. Self referential winks to other episodes – he's a werewolf,
she's a vampire but they don't know it – accent the old fashioned
mood, vintage phones, pencils, alcohol, guns, and revenge. Blood on
the floor contrasts the classy looking hats and pumps before police
stand offs and nightmares lead to repeated rejections, walleye
visuals, and the same thirteenth floor disasters. The mundane cubicle
life and stolen accounting programs likewise don't bode well for Tate
Donovan (Memphis Belle)
in “Operation Friendship.” However, his zany imaginary friend
reappears to cheer him up – until the pretty girl next door
interferes. Between the lines of its horror and bizarre, Tales
from the Crypt often
provides satire and subtext, and here there's intimate, even
homoerotic visuals as our invisible, jealous
friend preys on his BFF with scary internal imagery and symbolic self
confrontations.
Donned
in neon flippers, goggles, and wielding a harpoon, the Crypt Keeper
gets in trouble with the Die-R-S in “Revenge is the Nuts.” Cruel
Anthony Zerbe (The Omega Man) torments Bibi Besch
(The Wrath of Khan)
and Isaac Hayes (South Park)
with marbles on the floor and bricked up bathrooms at his cold,
shabby, and dark institution for the blind before threatening new
patient Teri Polo (Meet the
Parents) to do things his
way. Again the layered script provides open up and say ah or hole in
one mini golf innuendo to match the deplorable, abusive conditions
with sex for rations and heat. Injuries, escape attempts, and the
missing senses escalate amid desperate fears and a scary, hungry dog.
The taste of his own medicine turnabouts provide a fitting Tales
from the Crypt revenge, and
William Sadler as his Bill and Ted Grim
Reaper proposes a contest with his old friend the Crypt Keeper in
“The Assassin” – because this tomb isn't big enough for the
both of them. Shelley Hack's (Charlie's
Angels)
suburban sunny side up
perfection is also disrupted by tasers, Corey Feldman (The Lost Boys), and a team of
CIA agents pursuing her AWOL husband. Despite the smacks, treadmill
mishaps, and bemusing splatter preparations, everyone's so polite
about the dinner parties, tasty roast, and not getting a bloody nose
on the sofa. In “Staired in Horror,” escapee D.B.Sweeney (Fire
in the Sky) hides from
sheriff R. Lee Ermey (Full
Metal Jacket) in
a creepy bayou manor
with
confederate swords, an old lady downstairs, and an old fashioned babe
upstairs. Unfortunately,
thanks to some past torrid and family curses, he can't go up and she
can't come down the steps. Meeting on the stairs halfway for some
necking and a scary police dog named Gator add to the over the top
tone, and the Southern Gothic mood leads to decrepit consequences.
Our beatnik Keeper, on the other hand, he's a real ghoul dude. Doctor
Austin Pendleton (Homicide:Life on the Street) wants
to steal a corpse with the help of security guard Hank Azaria (The
Birdcage) in “Doctor of
Horror,” for he works from home because he's not allowed in
hospitals anymore. Gross gurneys, scalpels, and ugly dead feet lead
to storing bodies in the wine cellar cum laboratory while he looks
for evidence of the soul in a vanishing gland behind the spine. It's
all totally preposterous, but the quirky ensemble keep the moral
questions coming amid the gory reversals and forty year old freezer
on the fritz.
When
barber Crypt Keeper isn't cutting off ears, he's on the beach with
the babes and his ice ghouler for “Comes
the Dawn.” There are dive bars, blizzards, and not much else in
Alaska, but big game hunter Michael
Ironside (V) is
there to break the poaching rules amid
military
histories, masculine versus feminine tension, and an eerie, abandoned
weather bunker. Something is hibernating, and icky sounds, bloody
sacs, and sticky substances add to the snowed in snarling, low body
temperatures, and blood thirsty twists. In “99&
44/100% Pure Horror,” gruesome artwork, kinky artistry, and steamy
showers happen before irritable husband Bruce Davison (X-Men)
comes home. He prattles on
about antacids and soap chemicals, but his board of directors wants a
new campaign for their next success – one that's not designed by
his wife. Missed Talk show opportunities lead to more understandable
artist frustrations, for nobody wants her gory designs. If she can't
sell her work, then she's going to make bank with a divorce. Soon the
white dress is bloody, bodies are rolled up in the carpet, and soap
on a rope begets processing plants and acid vats to dispose of the
evidence and churn out a new batch of soap with some itchy, fleshy
consequences. The Crypt Keeper's tossing skulls at the annual
die-cathalon just for the kill of victory, and Fearrest Gump
shockolate spoofs, brief Alfred Hitchcock cameos, black and white
visuals, and Bogart – yes Humphrey Bogart (The Maltese Falcon) – set off
“You, Murderer.” Tales
from the Crypt executive
producer Robert Zemeckis
directs Isabella Rossellini (Death
Becomes Her), John Lithgow
(Dexter),
and Sherilyn Finn (Twin
Peaks) as
phone calls from the dead, red accents, mirrors, reflections, and
point of view camerawork sell the cleverness.
Certainly, some of the primitive computer graphics are inferior
looking today. The back and forth timeline is confusing, and the
flashback within flashback narration is clearly not Bogie. However,
the unique visuals aren't just reserved for the late star, but also
femme fatales, killer twists, gunshots, and car accidents that bring
the tale full circle. Sure this is mostly a technological experiment
imitating a specific film making atmosphere, but the delightful
ensemble and supernatural twists make it easy to appreciate this
recreation of Old Hollywood style. Alibis, set ups, violent mishaps –
if Tales from the Crypt was
going to do anymore for love or money crime stories, this was the way
to do it. Once again we're dealing with the moral ambiguity and
graphic viability of re-using dead actor's likeness, and although
this episode is both polarizing in its then genius as well as jumping
the shark even for Tales
from the Crypt's pushing
the envelope
standards,
this half hour is certainly
unforgettable.
Of
course, there are several run of the mill episodes by mid season, and
today
Tales from the Crypt
would
probably be even shorter with delayed Fall A and Spring B scheduling.
Then again, the campaigning Crypt Keeper says the Fright House needs
more stiff competition and despite the skeletons in his closet he's
the best candidate for new bleedership in the otherwise dull “The
Bribe.” The racial and religious undertones are here for Terry
O'Quinn (666 Park Avenue)
and Benicio del Toro (Traffic)
with devilish strippers and Hispanic club owners versus seemingly
righteous white lawmen, however the consequences are too predictable.
Likewise “The Pit” goes overboard with the hyperbolic sports
commentators, low quality video replays, trash talk, and thirty
million dollar no holds barred fight to the death – all televised
on HBO, naturally. The ruthless trophy wives live vicariously through
the short leash on their macho men until they get the chance to be
down and dirty in the cage. The action isn't all bad, but the so
specifically steeped in the nineties cool falls flat now. Indeed, the
best part here is the Keeper decorating his Cryptmas tree. The lips
and stockings opening “In the Groove” are unfortunately just
radio foreplay that I swear copies that old Cinemax show Hot
Line. Ratings
are down and sponsors are leaving, but sexy stunts on the graveyard
shift light up the phone
lines – especially when the fantasies turn to hatred, rage, and
murder. The hellish sibling rivalry seems like it's going one place
and then it's disappointing when the story ends up somewhere else.
Brief deathbed flashbacks and family antagonism are reflected in the
rainy windshield for “Surprise Party” as a son inherits a
deserted farm decades after a fire. The visuals are both an obviously
cheap way to provide backstory without an entire hospital bed
scenario yet effective in providing twistedness. Unfortunately, the
property's already occupied with hip babes, booze, jealousy, and
midnight specials – and the supposedly wild parties and fiery
vengeance are totally lame. Thankfully, the atmospheric and spooky
Tales from the Crypt opening
is always Halloween décor inspiring, and noir
lighting, tunnel dollies, dizzying pans, and up close zooms accent
the scares even when some of the special effects look primitive.
Missing nose my foot! More ambiance, shadow schemes, neon spotlights,
green haze, and red glows match the oozing monster designs, gross
prosthetics, and screeching sounds as the camera takes its askew
angles and extreme distortions cues from each story. Jazzy music also
accentuates the tension as needed, not to mention the steamy lingerie
and bare skin that only Tales
from the Crypt could get
away with then. Bright early McMansion styles and eighties white
leather previously seen have now become nineties black leather luxury
contrasting the drab poor interiors. Certainly some episodes have
better production values than others – at times sets are bare or
generic rather than uniquely specific. One can tell the budget was
probably reduced – or saved for all that crafty then newfangled CGI
in the finale. Fortunately, a whiff of nostalgia peppers Tales
from the Crypt thanks
to big microwaves, CDs, headsets, brick mobile phones, and giant
computers with DOS and “the 'net.”
Although, I'm not sure about the strappy baby doll dresses with tiny
white tees underneath, berets, and tiny backpacks nor those high
waist jeans and flavor of the nineties Cavarricci pants, I am still
wearing crushed velvet empire dresses. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
This
season of Tales from the Crypt is
more mature dark comedy than outright scary, but many of the entries
here provide memorable macabre thanks to the stars and twists. Rather
than too many look alike crime and murder or for love or money
stories like previous seasons, Tales from the Crypt Season Six peaks with sophisticated satire and choice horror accents perfect
for a late night binge.
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